FOREWORD

It's that time of year again. It's Halloween, and I intend to do a Halloween story. Back in 2015, I tried to do a couple of Silent Hill crossovers, but they went nowhere, and they have since been deleted and archived (Heather Potter and the Legacy of Alessa has been archived in The Cauldron, and Dura Mater, a Metal Gear crossover, has been archived in Quatermass' Compost Heap, if you're interested). In 2016, I did a oneshot crossover between Undertale and FEAR (Dum Spiro Spero), not exactly a horror story, but with horror elements. Now, this year, I am doing a comic horror tale, one that combines two unlikely candidates: Hellsing (or, specifically, Team Four Star's Hellsing Ultimate Abridged) and Spooky's Jump Scare Mansion.

I've been meaning to do a crossover with Spooky's Jump Scare Mansion for some time, but my attempts to do it in the Potterverse didn't work out so far. That being said, I managed to figure this one out. While it's not the first crossover done for Spooky's Jump Scare Mansion, it's the first one with Hellsing. And we're doing it with Abridged Alucard. So, you've been warned.

Anyway, onto the usual disclaimers. Firstly, there will be spoilers for both Hellsing and Spooky's Jump Scare Mansion.

Secondly, this will be an M-rated work for dark themes, horror, sexual references, and violence. You have been warned.

Finally, the following is a fan-written work. Hellsing and Spooky's Jump Scare Mansion are the property of their respective owners. Please support the official release. Otherwise, Specimen 4 will eat you up…

UNHOLY ALLIANCE

The ghost known as Spooky didn't scare easily. In fact, she would like to claim that she was never scared, that she wanted to be the one doing the scaring. A bit hard to do when you looked cute, even as a ghost. Dying at the age of 12 to a trigger-happy veteran suffering from PTSD didn't help. Dammit, why didn't she come back as, well…there was Specimen 4. Why, oh why, didn't she look like Specimen 4? Instead, here she was, looking like a genderflipped Casper with blue hair. The best she could do to scare someone was to leer at them, and while she could do a good intimidating leer, it just wasn't the same. And apparently, word on the street was that she'd have to wait for at least a few more decades before she could apply for a 'shit your pants' look upgrade from the Phantasmagorial Society.

Of course, some of the more unruly Specimens scared her, though she would never admit that. But nothing else in the wide world scared her. Save for one person…though calling him a person was debatable.

He went by many names. The No-Life King, the Attack Dog of Hellsing, the Crimson Fucker…but he was perhaps best known as Alucard.

And he was currently walking up the path to the door of her mansion.

Had all those disappearances gotten the attention of the Royal Order of Protestant Knights? Spooky had been a little worried that, sooner or later, they would come a-calling. Alucard's 'enthusiastic walks' had become the stuff of legend, and bloody legend at that. Of course, it went without saying, considering that, in another life, he was originally Vlad Tepes, a monarch known for his cruelty, and then became the infamous Dracula, before Abraham van Helsing and his merry men defeated and captured Alucard.

Still, Hellsing was more into hunting down vampires, not exorcising ghosts. But if he was there to try and deal with her, then maybe she could trick him into going through her mansion. Maybe one of the Specimens could kill him, right?

Oh, who was she kidding? She was fucked.

Maybe he was here for other reasons, though for the life (or rather, unlife) of her, she couldn't work them out. If he wasn't here to kill her, maybe she could get an autograph? She was a big fan of his work, after all. All that delicious ultraviolence, the way he made his enemies shit and piss themselves before dying. Plus, he was apparently a gadfly of the highest order.

She watched from the window as he approached the doors…and then kicked them in. Red coat, wide-brimmed hat, sunglasses even at night, tall, dark, and bloody dangerous. Black hair framing thin, handsome and pale features.

"Yello?" he called out, his deep, resonant voice surprisingly casual in tone. "Anybody home, ectoplasmic, diabolical, undead, or otherwise?"

Spooky sighed in resignation. She knew that she could probably get out of the way of any shots, in case he had any ammo that could harm a ghost. So she descended in front of him. "Hello," she said, putting a cheerful smile on her face. "I am Spooky, and this is my home."

Alucard looked at her, and then grinned. "Ah, just the gal I was hoping to find!" He reached inside his coat. "Y'see, I caught wind of your little deathtrap dungeon. Nice décor, by the way, a little clichéd and such, but nothing I can't help with a little redecorating. Anyway…"

He pulled his gloved hand from his coat, revealing not the big fucking handgun that Spooky half-expected…but a Help Wanted ad.

"…I heard you're looking for some scary motherfuckers for your mansion."

Oh, right, she had completely forgotten about those ads she had placed in supernatural newspapers across England. How embarrassing. With the fear gone, came a little irritation, a lot more satisfaction, and…anticipation. Alucard himself was looking for work?

Oh, it was all she could do not to fangirl out.

They convened in an office Spooky commandeered. Not part of the thousand rooms that made up the mansion, but her little office where she did the paperwork. Believe it or not, but lethal haunted mansions had paperwork too, at least as far as the Phantasmagorical Society was concerned, and she hated it.

As she donned some reading glasses, Alucard blinked, and, with a raised eyebrow, asked, "Really? You…you actually need reading glasses? A ghost?"

"I was a little farsighted before I died," Spooky said as she read his resume…written in felt-tip, crayon, and at least a few bits in blood…with a quill. Classy. Though the result was an admittedly messy scrawl. Still, an impressive resume, even if she was sure he was making at least a quarter of it up. She was sure he was making up 'was Harry Potter's grandfather(1)' or 'ate Kirei Kotomine for breakfast, that smug soundalike fuck(2)'. After finishing reading it, she looked back at him. "Mr Alucard…"

"Oh, you can just call me Alucard. Or the Crimson Fucker. Whichever you prefer."

"Okay, Alucard. I'm a big fan of your work, by the way. Anyway, I need to ask…why are you applying for work here?"

"Meh, I'm bored. I'm lucky to get a vampire hunt once a month lately, and while I like trolling my boss, I'm still bored. I need variety with my entertainment, you understand? And Integra recently refused to get me a PlayStation. Apparently she claims I don't have a legal identity to earn wages when I asked her for an advance on my wages. Which is irritating, as it means I've been doing vampire hunting pro bono since old Honest Abe stuck his pointy thing in me. Then again, I've still got a shitload of money back at Carfax Abbey, but that's neither here nor there. I wanted to get paid doing what I love. Of course, it's a tad hard, as I'm the best at what I do, and what I do ain't very nice, as old Wolverine would like to say. Anyhoodle, I found your ad in Freaky Weekly, and thought, why not? I can only really do casual work, though. I'm technically on-call at any time to go and shoot some vampires dead."

"Oh. Well…is your boss fine with you moonlighting?"

"Eh, it's not like she can stop me."

"Oh. Well…welcome aboard, Alucard," Spooky said, her smile turning to something sinister. It was a smile matched by Alucard's…

Over the next couple of years, Alucard did some work for Spooky. True, he had a tendency to eat people too soon instead of just scaring them to death…but hey, it was fun to watch. Plus, she got his autograph. Several, actually.

He also had an annoying tendency of killing some of the Specimens…or at least shooting them. They never stayed dead for long. He also called Specimen 7 a 'ripoff of Giygas(3)'. And he got along a bit too-famously with Specimen 4 and Specimen 13. In fact, she once found the three of them in bed, naked, and Alucard just said he wanted to tick off his list 'having a threesome with an onryo(4) and a siren'.

Still, one had to admire his work ethic. And then, there was his deathday present…

"Now, I know you got shot and killed before you experienced the dubious joys of adolescence, so…Imma gonna give you a gift," Alucard said. "It's been…thirty years since you died? And not once has anyone given you're a present, am I right?"

Spooky nodded. "Has anyone given you one?"

"Meh, Sir Arthur once let me run loose in a prison as a present. Hoo boy, that was filling. But not really. Anyway, for a fangirl, you haven't been so bad, and as an employer, you've been pretty fun, so, here's your gift." Alucard extruded part of himself in a shadowy tendril, leaving aside a young woman with his dark hair, crimson eyes, and pale skin.

"…Is that you as a woman?"

"Yep. Well, technically, it's how I looked in the Forties, albeit as a teenager rather than an adult. Ah, fun times. I was going through a bit of a phase back then. Anyway, it's one of my familiars, transformed into a body. You know how some kids get cars for their birthdays? Well, here's one, complete with the keys. You have an adult body now, you get to do cool stuff. It can even go intangible if you like, I do that all the time, so, it's got all the benefits of your ectoplasmic self. Only downside is, you need a bit of blood, but you can go without for a while. Besides, with the idiots coming in here, you can feed off them once your Specimens are done. Now, I know you hate being called cute and adorable…but let me put it this way: this way, you can scare the everliving fuck out of people without having to raise a ghost army to wreak vengeance on the world. I mean, this body has most of the same features I do. Just don't kill too many people you aren't supposed to, okay?"

Spooky couldn't believe it. Alucard was giving her a body. A sexy adult body (which meant a lot, after thirty years stuck in the phantasmal body of a pre-teen girl!), and one that could change into a scary as fuck monster. Without any hesitation, she dove into the body. She took a few seconds to get used to being…well, solid again, before throwing her arms around Alucard in an embrace. "Thank you, thank you, thank you! Oh, I can't wait to give this body a try!"

Dark chuckles filled the room, the result of, if not the birth, then the culmination of an unholy alliance. And who knew where it would end?

THE END…?

STORY ANNOTATIONS:

Hoo boy. The world is fucked.

1. Which was the case in my story Haemophilia, as well as, I think the story it was based on, sakurademonalchemist's It's in the Blood (which is only available in her Short Story Drabbles).

2. This is from the Fate/Stay Night crossover Hey Kids, Wanna See a Dead Body?

3. Hey, what else is he going to say? Specimen 7 IS basically Giygas from Earthbound.

4. Okay, you should know what this is if you know anything about Ring or The Grudge, but an onryo is a ghost obsessed with revenge in Japanese culture.