It seems I'm only capable of writing oneshots these days.
I'm so sorry for this one...
She doesn't recognize the low keening noises that are being ripped from her throat, not unlike a dog's soft keening when it has been hurt past the point of no return.
She doesn't recognize the way her body shudders, or the way it seems to be impossible for tears to squeeze their ways out of her tightly shut eyes.
She doesn't recognize the way her mouth opens wide in a silent scream, then closes, no sounds coming out other than the low keening she barely realizes is hers.
Over the years, she's taught herself to always cry silently, with large teardrops dripping down her checks before collecting on her pillow while she lay meticulously still, hoping to all that was holy that Vlad or his lackeys (at first) or the Division agents patrolling the hallways at night wouldn't notice, wouldn't hear her, wouldn't see the wet patches on her recruit cot in the morning, wouldn't notice her red eyes. She's taught herself. But not like this. Never like this.
This is raw pain, this is fearsome grief, too great to be expressed, too great to be kept in, too great to be shared, too great to be borne alone.
So she reaches out a hand, barely aware of what she is doing, and clamps her hand around the first thing it reaches like a vice. She just needs to feel grounded, need to feel anchored to the earth, as if she'll disappear or float away if she doesn't connect with something right this instant.
'I know, Alex.'
Nikita doesn't say it's all right, Alex notes, doesn't say it will be all right, because it is not and it will not be, not ever again, not with him gone and he's not coming back, I couldn't save him, my fault, my fault, it's my fault. She gasps in a much needed breath, hadn't noticed she'd stopped breathing due to the clenching of her heart in her chest, and finally, finally, the tears escape and she sobs like she's never sobbed before.
The pain is unbearable, but she must bear it. She must. For him. In his - in his memory. In Sean's memory.
She breaks, she shatters into a million little pieces, and she knows she won't ever be the same again.
I didn't particularly like the ending, but my inspiration suddenly stopped flowing (and honestly it was really about the description of the crying and I just had to give her a reason to (I'm so sorry that sounds terribly mean) and this is actually a description of the way I cry when I'm really, really sad so I hope it's okayish)
Review?