A/N: this was supposed to be romcom.
Ren'ai Trial
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"Promise me something?" she asked earnestly. "Whatever happens, please, don't fall in love with me."
Nico opened her mouth in surprise before nodded dumbly. She was supposed to say something like, "Wow. And here you thought I was the one with big ego" to start their usual banter. But she didn't.
She realized she behaved a bit strange that time. She didn't know why.
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"Let's be friends forever," that was Maki proposed in liberal translation after she witnessed their friends dating each other. Eli and Nozomi. Kotori and Umi. Rin and Hanayo. Or even Tsubasa and Honoka. Nico knew better to expect an honest statement from someone like Maki.
She avoided seeing the red haired girl for a while though. No, that was wrong. She was just busy; she didn't have time to meet the younger girl every day. For once, Nico felt very grateful for their age difference. While Maki had to stay in their high school, Nico could go anywhere she chose.
Within a limit, of course. She had to calculate the cost and benefit of her going. Nico knew money didn't come out from thin air. Her mother was getting older while her three siblings just going to get bigger and bigger. They would need another income aside from her mother's in the future.
That was her priority.
Nico didn't have energy to play games with her junior. If Maki wanted them to stay friends, Nico didn't have any objection. And who did the younger girl think she was? Nico was an idol, and idol loves everyone equally. She won't fall in love with anyone. Maki should know about it too.
Nico packed her things neatly and went to the college in countryside.
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Who the hell Nico was going to deceive? She knew she had a bit interest in Maki. She knew she was going to ask Maki out after she witnessed their friends' successful romance. She guessed… or maybe hoped Maki would feel the same or at least say yes, considering other's relationship was started by them as best friends. Now that she thought about it, maybe they were never that close though.
It was just her mind playing trick on her.
In Maki's eyes, Nico was just like her other friends. After all, someone like Nico was never meant to be special. It was always like that from the start. No matter how hard she worked, Nico was average at best. That was why she set her aim higher than normal. So when she failed, she won't automatically fall to the bottom of abyss.
But maybe she shouldn't apply that principle to romance.
Love was actually like mathematic. 1+1 equal 2. But if no one returned her feeling, the result won't get anywhere near what she hoped. And it hurt her to think she could only fell deep quickly without the ability to get back up as faster.
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Nico swore she would move on from Maki. And then she would keep their promises. They would just stay friends without her complicated feeling hampering the way. However, until that time, Nico would keep her distance away. She wasn't masochistic in the slightest and she didn't like pain at all.
She was the type of person who will ultimately choose she wanted to be loved than to love. She was selfish like that.
But then Maki called her.
"Nico-chan, how's college?"
And she was crumbled just like that. The impulsive decision to get away from her hometown was the only effort she could do to keep her distance.
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Nico stared at her mailbox. As usual, it was mostly empty aside for ads and sometimes bill. There was one exception this time around though.
"Thank you very much for your entry, however we regret to inform you that you are…"
Not a good exception. Nico crumpled the letter in her hand and tossed it into the bin. She opened the magazine she'd just bought from convenient store.
"Ah, there's another one."
Nico read the announcement carefully, until she reached one part.
Age: 11-15
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She was supposed to enjoy her summer. College sure was nice giving their students a long break every time the season changed to hot. But Nico didn't know which was better. Going home and meet Maki or stayed rotten in her apartment with broken air conditioner. She went home, of course.
Her siblings begged her to. There was no way she could say no to that. She decided to avoid thinking that Maki had actually called her too. The younger girl only asked whether Nico was going home or not. And she just blurted out yes without thinking because she was seeing the news about her favorite idol's recent single got 1st Oricon when Maki called.
She wasn't, in fact, too deep in love to say no.
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Nozomi asked her to meet in the café near station. Nico expected Nozomi to brought Eli along. She was surprised when she was seeing Nozomi waited for her alone. She sat down on the seat across without further thought. She suddenly felt a bit sick.
"Hey, Nicocchi," Nozomi said with her usual smile. "Long time no see."
Nico nodded as she put her bag on the seat beside. "Yeah. Where's Eli?"
"She has another agenda."
You are not that important for her to meet.
"She asked me to say hello for you, by the way. And she was sorry she couldn't meet you."
She was just saying it to be polite.
"Well, we would get another chance to meet, right Nicocchi? Our break is still long. And you won't suddenly disappear to other countryside again, I presume," Nozomi was smiling, but Nico could feel the chill on her back as she said that.
"I didn't disappear," Nico huffed while taking the menu. "I'm not as smart as Eli, and my luck isn't as great as yours. With my score I had bigger chance to get in if I applied to not-so-famous college. And living in countryside is cheaper than in big city like this."
Nozomi softened her gaze as she agreed with Nico's statement. "Yeah. I'm sure that was the reason."
Don't look at me like that.
Nico averted her eyes, reading the menu as if that was the most beautiful prose she'd ever read. "You ordered already?"
"No," Nozomi took the other menu. "I was waiting for you."
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Nozomi wanted to talk her about something. Nico knew that must be so. The other girl never took interest in asking Nico alone to eat parfait with her (and maybe Eli) when she didn't have ulterior motive.
"Do you keep contact with others, Nicocchi?"
Nico bit her strawberry in grimace. It was too sour. Although she made image about herself liking shortcake and the type to eat the strawberry last, Nico actually preferred cheesecake.
"Yeah. Sometimes."
She didn't elaborate further.
She didn't say she last texted Rin a few months ago, and she only sent chat to Hanayo that night because of their hobby. She almost didn't keep any contact with the formerly second years, except Kotori who was too sweet to ignore every time the younger girl sporadically asked her opinion about some dress in fashion magazine.
And Nico only called Maki just because she needed to utilized the minimum usage for her phone's bill.
"Is that so?" Nozomi asked without needing answer. She seemed thinking about something. "Did you know Honoka got into accident then?"
Nico blinked. "No… No one told me that."
Nozomi stirred her melted parfait. "Well, it happened few weeks ago, she's fine now."
"Oh. That's good to hear."
Nozomi leaned back on her seat and sighed. "I realized we were going separate ways, but I wish we could keep our friendship intact, Nicocchi."
She frowned. She could feel her eyes burned as she tried to keep her feeling away.
"Why didn't you tell us anything? About your college choice, about your plan," Nozomi continued. "If you had a problem—"
"Did you think we were that close, Nozomi?"
The bitterness in her tone could be detected easily. It surprised not just Nozomi, but herself. She regretted her words already. She knew she was easy to explode whenever she was angry, truly angry. However, right now she was more like a beaten cat who was trying to bite every hand that dare to come near.
Nico didn't like feeling this vulnerable.
She sighed deeply and grabbed her bag. She took out enough money to pay her order (no, she won't pay more than she had to, she still had her rational mind work) and placed it on the table.
"I'm leaving," Nico started to walk. She paused a few feet away before saying, "…It's nice to see you, Nozomi."
Until you decided to lecture me, that is.
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It felt like her second years in high school again. Nico didn't know she had a knack to mess up her relationship with other people outside her family. First the former members of her club, and then now with Nozomi and maybe µ's. It was easy to please her siblings or trying to lighten her mother's burden. But friends were another specimen she could never understand.
Sometimes Nico felt it was nicer to live alone without anyone knowing her personal thought.
Maybe that was why she wanted to be an idol. Since idol was just a mask the girls wore to charm people. She didn't need to invest herself in a vague relationship like this. More popular she got, more people like her, and more she could do to repay their enthusiasm. It was a simple give and take business.
Nico went back to her apartment quicker than she anticipated. Her siblings tried to make her stay, but Nico wasn't Nico if she couldn't deceive her siblings about her busy schedule of college life.
She didn't meet Maki.
The red haired girl hadn't called her since the last time she asked Nico whether she was going home or not.
And Nico didn't want to destroy their friendship that much by calling with her foul mood.
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It was still summer break when Nico got an invitation from Kotori. They wanted to get-together since everyone was presumed to have more free time. Nico didn't have the heart to reject Kotori properly. And she replied vaguely about not promising anything but would be very happy to attend.
Of course, she didn't go in the end.
She was a sucky friend like that.
And she didn't know what promise she kept anymore.
Friends forever? Whether she was falling in love with her or not didn't matter. Friends just never stayed together for that long. And Nico could only feel she was sinking deeper and deeper. She wasn't particularly a bad swimmer, but she never was a good diver.
When Maki called her that night everyone supposed to meet up, Nico was in the middle of playing some games. She accidentally press reject and still failed to keep her score. She grunted in frustration before wondering whether she should call back now or apologize later.
Her choice was made by an incoming call from Umi.
It was rare for Umi that Nico could only stare at her screen in confusion; thumb hovering in the space between accept and reject. She coughed.
"Hello, you've reached Nico Nico Nii's phone~ what can I do for you?"
She desperately wanted some resemblance from the normal. The normal she had forgotten in the past month since the rejection she'd got from Maki. Funny how the princess could reject her without Nico said anything in the first place.
But rejection was still rejection whether it was intentional or not. It didn't hurt any less.
"Why did you reject my call?"
Nico didn't expect Maki to borrow Umi's phone. She didn't even know why Maki felt the need to do that. She didn't avoid Maki, and she was only press reject by accident. If Maki called her again with her own phone, Nico would definitely pick up.
"Sorry, Maki-chan. Your timing was bad, I just accidentally press reject," Nico raised her voice to laugh. It was grating even to her ears. "Forgive me Nico~"
"…were you busy?"
Nico looked around her room. "Yeah. Sorry. Why did you call again?"
"Just making sure."
She didn't know what Maki tried to make sure. "Is that so."
"You won't come, Nico-chan?"
Nico laughed again. It sounded more forced than the last. "Well~ Nico Nii is just that busy. What should I do~ I'm too popular for my own good."
She waited the sharp retort from Maki. It never came though. Instead the red haired girl said something utterly different from the topic after a moment of silence which made the background noises more palpable.
"Nico-chan… do you love me?"
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Nico was never good at lying when someone asked her point blank like that. She was more the type to avoid the problem, and lying before someone could be suspicious of her. It was no wonder the automatic action her brain came up first was to cut the call immediately, which was the same as saying yes in guilty.
She turned off her phone and put it under the pillow.
She could feel the headache creeping up as her breath hitched. She coughed and crouched beside her bed in the attempt to take comfort from her sudden emotional torrent. But there was nothing she could do to ease her heartache. Nothing she knew how.
Nico grabbed her chest, heaving roughly.
She didn't want this.
Please make it stop.
Please make the feeling disappear.
She didn't want this.
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Nico stopped contacting any of them. She never talked to Hanayo again about the recent Idols news, never replied to Rin's trivial story, never read Kotori's messages, and she had long ignoring Nozomi and Eli's since the day of their fight.
It wasn't much of fight when it was one-sided though.
And Maki's number was erased and blocked from her phone since the night of her break down.
She really had a knack to mess up her relationship with others.
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The weather had turned a bit cooler as their break ended. Nico focused her attention to her study and job without much socializing. She would be fine without it anyway. All she needed was pass the days until she graduate and get an ordinary job somewhere. It was average life that suited her very much.
Become a number one idol… it was a faraway dream she had given up since the day µ's disbanded. Since she was leaving high school and passed the maximum age to apply for audition. Reality sure was good to teach her that.
And now she didn't know what good she was for again.
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She was seeing a dream about her past self. With hair styled still in twin-tail, looked like a middle schooler from somewhere, wearing her favorite pink cardigan, she glared at her with burning rage.
"Why did you give up that easily?!"
What could she do about it?
"You should know better what your strong point is!"
She didn't know.
"You won't give up! No matter what! Wasn't that what you promised yourself years ago?"
But the situation had changed.
"When did you become this weak?"
She guessed it was from the start.
"…won't you try again?"
She was tired. Just please let her rest.
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Nico woke up in the infirmary. The nurse who had taken care of her said she had collapsed in the middle of class from exhaustion. She ordered her to rest and ate properly before letting her go.
"You should take care of your health better."
She went back to her apartment. It was dark and cold. Autumn had almost ended. And soon they would meet winter. It was the harshest season Nico knew considering she was more a summer kid. After all she was born in that season.
And Nico suddenly remembered passing her birthday with nothing this year. She had even forgotten herself. This summer was really not a good memory for her. Maybe she won't like summer again now.
Nico lied down on her bed and closed her eyes.
She had late shift tonight. She would sleep a bit before the time.
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"Welcome to Midori Convenient Store."
They came in group, crowding one spot in magazine corner as they pointed at something and laughed. Talking and laughing while pushing each other playfully in the public could be considered an annoyance. But it wasn't really bothering anyone since the store was pretty much empty right now. And Nico could only glance at them from her place behind the register.
They made her remembering something unwanted.
The time when she and Maki went out together that night was one of the memories she couldn't forget easily. She wore black t-shirt and white frilly skirt plus heels to compensate their height difference. She knew she was truly happy that night even with Love Live problem hovering over them.
Nico sighed before fixing her smile to her face as she saw them walking to her. Magazines and some snacks to buy.
"Thank you for your patronage."
She won't get another chance like that ever again.
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She weight less than before.
And although she wanted to eat lot to keep her energy, her body didn't seem to react well with food. She had thrown up again this week. It was fortunate her sickness only appeared when she was home. She didn't like the idea of throwing up in a public restroom with possibility of someone nearby.
Nico went back to her bed. It seemed that was the place she occupied most in her apartment.
She wished she could sleep without any dream. Whether bad or good, she would get her heart break in the end.
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She hadn't gone home ever since that first summer break, always making excuses to stayed at her apartment with many variations. Even though she kept sending her siblings and mother gift the time their birthday and Christmas came up, she never attended their celebration parties.
However that third summer was different. Kokoro called her exactly after her shift ended.
"Mother is sick," her voice trembled. "Can you go home, Onee-chan?"
Kokoro never called her that after she had taken liking to act proper and mature.
That was why, she couldn't not go. On the way home, she listened to more detail about her mother's condition. Fortunately it didn't seem too bad. Her mother was just too exhausted taking care both of her family and work at the same time. She had lost her assistance after Nico left home after all. And even though everyone was a very good kid and obedient, they were still too young to be that helpful.
Nico felt guilty. She shouldn't abandon her family just because of her problem. They were the only people left for her.
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"Don't push yourself."
Her mother tried to get up as she looked at her oldest daughter who just came home. Nico walked closer to the bed while examining her mother's condition. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, I'm fine," her mother laughed reassuringly. "And you too, are you alright?"
Nico blinked and sat down on the floor beside the bed. "Of course I am. You are the one who is sick. Please worry about your own health before me."
The older woman sighed after hearing her daughter's answer. She reached out her hand from under the blanket and touched the girl's cheek gently. "You are thinner than before."
Nico moved away almost in reflex, automatically releasing her mother's hold from her face. "It was just your imagination." She huffed while averted her gaze to the side. "I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me."
She could still feel her mother's stare on her even when she refused meeting her eyes.
"Nico…"
And before she realized she could feel the older woman's hand on her head, softly stroking her hair.
"I will always worry about you."
"You should no—"
It started again. She could feel the burning sensation in her eyes and throat. Her mother shouldn't see her like this. She shouldn't have to worry about her ever again. Nico gulped her feelings down. She should leave.
"Since your father died, you are always too hard on yourself."
Nico widened her eyes. Even though she knew she should leave, her body was rooted on the spot. Her mother's hand which was still caressed her head felt conflictingly comforting and bothering.
"I know when you are troubled over something, Nico. And maybe I couldn't help you solve them. But I want you to know that you don't have to pretend in front of your family."
Nico looked down. She could feel her body trembled and her lips quivered as the burning sensation became unbearable to hold.
"You don't have to act strong in front of your own mother."
And she cried. At last.
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"Onee-chan."
Although she tried to hide her red eyes from her siblings, she didn't seem to do a really good job at it. Kokoa looked uncharacteristic anxious as she saw her. And Kokoro seemed more mature than ever, eyeing her worriedly while Koutarou observed her silently from his place behind everyone else.
"Yeah?"
She tried to smile. She should do her Nico Nico Nii routine if she wanted to erase their worry. But she had forgotten how to do it. She didn't even know why she had thought it was cute or funny doing things like that.
They didn't reply right away. Nico stared as they exchanged glances with each other.
"Nico-neechan," Kokoa finally spoke up. "How long did you plan to stay home?"
Honestly, she hadn't thought about that. She decided she would make that decision after seeing her mother's condition. And it really didn't seem that bad. Considering she couldn't take days leave too many from her part-time job, maybe—
"Could you at least please stay until 22nd?"
Nico blinked. Well it was only a day after tomorrow, so she should be alright staying until that time. But why did they need her to stay at that specific date? There was nothing going on that d—
"We wanted to celebrate your birthday."
She promised herself she was going home often from there on. She didn't want to severe anymore connection she had left.
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It was a coincidence she hoped never happen to her.
She was on the way to grocery shopping when she saw everyone together in one café at the shopping district. She could see Rin sat beside Hanayo, showing the other girl and Maki something in her phone. Honoka as always seemed happy laughing with her two childhood friend, Kotori and Umi. While Nozomi and Eli seement content observing the situation around them as they took glance at each other from time to time.
Yeah. Everyone was there, except her. They didn't even tell her anything about this meet-up. As she expected they really didn't need—
Nico covered her mouth quickly. She could feel her lunch threatening to come up again. She looked around to search the place with a public restroom in it. Ah she knew this area. She knew she could get to the park in five minutes if she walked fast enough.
Nico took off without looking back.
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What the hell she was thinking.
How dare she was acting like the victim when she was the one who first cut their ties. Of course they didn't tell her about the meet-up when she hardly replied to their other messages. She had even blocked their call so they couldn't bother her.
She was the one to blame for anything.
Nico sighed and wiped her lips with her back hand. She still felt sick after throwing up that much. But her stomach didn't seem to have anything left for her to vomit. She had retched for a few minutes just for liquid and air.
She crouched down in front of the toilet after turning the lever to wash down her vomit. She wondered when she would feel completely okay or whether she would be like that ever again.
She was really tired.
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"Nico-chan?"
She almost crashed into the other person as she opened her stall's door. The first thing she saw was the violet eyes meeting her ruby ones before she could make the other girl's red hair and face. It was Maki.
She reflexively stepped back only to meet the stall's door blocking her way. She glanced to the side, searching an escape route. Maki seemed to read her intent and move forward, almost trapping her to the wall.
"Nico-chan?"
She didn't reply. Still averting her gaze, she wondered why Maki suddenly appeared here. The red haired girl was supposed to be in the café. She wasn't supposed to be here, in the stink public restroom along with her.
Nico covered her mouth again.
"Nico-chan? Are you okay?"
She still hadn't reply, couldn't reply. Her breath hitched as she tried to hold down the urge to vomit again.
Maki looked worried and grabbed her hand away. "Nico-chan, please. What's wrong? You are scaring me."
Nico shook her head as she tried to make Maki released her hand. "Just leave me alone."
"Why?"
Nico looked down. "Leave me alone, Maki," she tried to said it as calm as possible.
But Maki only moved closer as reply. The red haired girl leaned down to see the shorter girl's face better. She was taken aback. Nico looked pale and thin. Her eyes seemed restless as she was looking at anything beside her.
She didn't look like the Nico that Maki had known in her first year of high school. Where did the cocky almost bratty Nico go? The arrogant glimmer in her ruby eyes, upturned mouth and rosy cheeks.
"Nico-chan… what's wrong with you?"
Nico didn't reply. She seemed having difficulty to breath properly now.
"Nico—"
"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, CAN'T YOU!?"
And she screamed. Loud and broken.
"I'm tired! I'm so tired! Please, can't you just leave me alone? I don't want to have anything to do with it anymore! Just go… please…"
Nico sobbed as Maki pulled her into a hug. The red haired girl rubbed the back of her senior gently, trying to comfort her as best as she could. But Nico didn't calm down instead she was muttering something between her sob like a broken record.
"I'm sorry I broke our promise…" "I can't do it." "I keep messed up." "I failed." "I don't know what I should do." "I'm really tired…"
Maki listened to each one of them attentively as the vague thought came up onto her. It wasn't possible. But maybe… maybe… she was—
"I'm sorry I'm not worth as your friend." "I can't… with anyone…"
She wrapped her arms around Nico's thin body tighter as tears began forming in her eyes. "Stop it, please. Stop it, Nico-chan."
But Nico didn't stop. She was still muttering almost unintelligible words repeatedly. Apologizing, asking her to leave, and saying tired over and over again.
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Nico didn't really remember what happened after. It felt like she was blanked out, but not. And now she was somehow sitting in someone's (Maki?) room alone. Nico hugged her legs closer to her body as she heard someone knocked on the door.
"Nico-chan…"
Like before, it was Maki. The red haired girl walked closer carefully before sat down in front of her. Nico only stared at her without saying anything.
"I'm sorry."
Nico blinked her eyes.
"I shouldn't have said that," Maki whispered. "Can you forgive me?"
Nico eyed her. "What?"
"About our promis—"
She flinched and moved back to make a distance from Maki.
"Please, Nico. Please, wait," she desperately reached out her hand before stopping herself. Maki didn't think Nico would welcomed her touch very much right now. "I shouldn't make you promise like that. I'm sorry."
Nico averted her gaze to the side. "It's fine. I know you meant you didn't and won't feel the same way."
"No, it's not that," Maki sighed, running her hand though her hair. "I-I actually never have friends before high school. And when I see everyone else began dating each other, I thought I would lose all my friends."
Maki bit her lips. "I thought you are the only friend I have left." She heaved a breath. "I don't want to lose you. But after making that promise, I know I was actually losing you for real. I don't know why I thought I could make you stay by saying that."
Nico was confused. "…I don't understand."
The red haired girl opened her mouth before closing it again, she seemed conflicted about something. She shook her head slightly before saying. "I love you, Nico."
Nico looked surprised for a second before that expression disappear entirely. She stared at the girl in front of her with tired gaze. "Is this really a game for you?"
"What? No! Why did you think I was playing around?" Maki frowned. "I was saying the truth."
"First you said don't fall in love with me. Now you said you love me," Nico spat out. "I don't know what you expected me to do anymore."
"I didn't mean to say the former," Maki furrowed her brows and stare at the side. "I just didn't believe in us. I didn't believe romance could last long, not after my parents… divorced." She whispered the last word softly.
Nico widened her eyes, staring at the younger girl in shock. "What did you mean?"
"I mean what I said. I don't want to lose you. Not when the romance had disappeared," said Maki. "But I realized I was wrong. I should not said that to you. I should believe in us more. I need you, Nico-chan. Can you forgive me? Can you give us another chance?"
Nico blinked before looking down. "Why did you never tell me any of this?"
Maki looked taken aback by the sudden question. "What?"
"About your parents," said Nico. "Why didn't you say it? If you were troubled, you should say so."
"I… I didn't know. I just don't want to make you worry maybe. You were anxious for exam and you had enough to worry about," Maki stopped herself. "No… maybe that's not it. Maybe I just don't want to talk about what I thought was my private matters."
"Is that so?" Nico smiled bitterly. "I'm sorry I didn't sense your problem back then."
"Nico-chan?"
"I… I don't think we are suited to each other," said Nico. "We had too much pride. And we never realized the other was hurting until it was too late. I think there was a statement about it… ah, yeah, the person we love the most is the person who could hurt us the most? But if the relationship only worked like that… it was better to search for another love right?"
Maki opened her mouth in protest.
"I loved you, Maki," Nico continued before Maki could say anything. "But I don't trust you and me could have a healthy relationship right now. I… I don't really think I could keep any relationship anyway."
"Why?"
"I'm a sucky friend," Nico smiled. It wasn't the same smile she used to wear in the past. It was more like a defeated-I-give-up smile.
"I don't think you are."
"I haven't contacted anyone for how long?"
Maki didn't reply.
"You know now, right Maki-chan?" Nico stood up and walked to the door.
"I know, Nico-chan," said Maki quietly effectively stopping Nico in her track. "I know you think you are not worth anyone's time. Not anymore."
Nico stood in front of the door, right hand hovering over the knob.
"I don't know what happened to you this past few years," Maki continued still as softly. "I guessed I'm partially blamed. But… I don't want you to think you are not worth it, Nico-chan. You are always missed by us every time we meet together. I remember—Nozomi said it sometimes ago, that you felt you were not friends with her. She told me to say she was sorry she had made you felt like that to you. Because she couldn't contact you again after that."
Nico let her arm fall limp to the side. She looked down as she could feel the burning sensation coming again. She started spoke up with shaky voice.
"I… I don't know how to become myself again. I don't know how to act like me that you've had known. I don't have any dream left. I've had given up many things. I just don't…"
Maki nodded even though she knew Nico couldn't see it. They were facing the other way.
"You know… even if we couldn't become more right now. Could you at least become our friends again, Nico-chan?" asked Maki. "Even though you've had changed. I know you are still Nico-chan in the inside. Someone who always worked hard without anyone see it."
And that was the statement Nico needed the most right now.
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