Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 18
Airdate: February 17, 2019
"The Art of Yellow Journalism"
#TYH716
SCENE 1
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Study Hall
Seattle, Washington
The students have packed themselves inside the study hall for the school's annual book fair. Shots are shown of kids looking at certain books on display or checking out accessories like rulers and yo-yo''s. Cut to the guys walking inside the hall. Wade takes a deep inhale.
WADE: Ah, this is beautiful. The book fair is like Christmas before Christmas.
RK: I know. This is the one time a year I'm actually proud to be a part of this school.
BUSTER: Hey, look, a big poster of all the baseball teams!
RK: I want it.
BUSTER: What if I wanted it? I called it out.
RK: Then I'll fight you on it. First person to lose all their teeth wins. Wait a minute.
SPARKY: You guys realize they sell multiple posters, right?
Beat.
BUSTER: We have to get them before everyone else finds out about them!
RK: I'll race you there!
RK and Buster race to the posters.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Study Hall
Seattle, Washington
Halley is checking out some books when Jaylynn slowly walks up behind her.
JAYLYNN: HEY!
Halley drops her book after being startled and turns around.
HALLEY: Why do you always do that to me?
JAYLYNN: Because you never see it coming. Hey, you want to split a book? I want to buy one, but I want to make sure I have enough money left over for other stuff.
HALLEY: What other stuff?
JAYLYNN: I don't know, bubble gum, erasers. Those industrial strength sharpeners that make your pencils so sharp, you can stab someone's eyes out with them.
HALLEY: You're sick.
JAYLYNN: Hey, back in Portland, I had to use whatever I could to defend myself. I can turn a crayon into a pocket knife when I put my mind to it.
Cut to the boys passing by an assortment of books.
SPARKY: You know, I love the book fair, but I get overwhelmed every year. Do I go for mystery or biography? How many sports books do I buy? And what about scratch and sniff? You can never go wrong with a good scratch and sniff book.
RK: One time, I bought a scratch and sniff and that shit smelled like week-old Pop Tarts and ass crack.
Beat.
SPARKY: Well, that's one book I'm not buying this year.
Buster walks up to the boys carrying a book of his own.
BUSTER: Guys, I got it. This is the premier book of the entire fair.
WADE: Buster, you always say that. Last year, you thought that book about the unauthorized history of Little Bear was the premier book.
BUSTER: It was an underrated book and an underrated show! But check it out. Scholastic's annual book on world records. It has everything.
Buster hands the book to Sparky, who starts flipping through pages.
SPARKY: Oh, man, this is legit. Fastest land animal, longest tennis game on record.
RK: You know, most of that stuff can be looked up in five seconds. That's why we have technology.
BUSTER: Why would I want to look any of this up when it's all here in this book? Come on, RK, use the noggin God gave you.
WADE: I think Buster might be onto something this year. I could see if any longstanding science records were broken.
SPARKY: Let's all go pick up a copy. Except RK, since he has no sense of wonder or imagination.
RK: That's one of the most offensive things you've ever said to me.
BUSTER: Sorry, guys, this is the only copy left. Finally, I get to say that I picked up the last copy of something. I've had so many terrible experiences with that before.
Cut to a flashback of Buster at Target back in November 2017, looking for a CD copy of Taylor Swift's "reputation" album. He sees that there are no more copies and turns to a Target employee.
BUSTER: Hey, sir, what happened to all the Taylor Swift records?
EMPLOYEE: Sorry, little man, someone just picked up the last copy.
BUSTER: I WALKED HERE IN THE RAIN FOR THIS?!
Buster screams and jumps at the employee, beginning to assault him. A large crowd gathers as they try to stop the fight, but Buster simply goes after them as well. Cut to the present day.
SPARKY: That really happened?
BUSTER: No, I just cried for two minutes until I remembered that I could stream it.
SCENE 3
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Study Hall
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn is checking out a biography on Muhammad Ali.
JAYLYNN: Hey, this is pretty cool. It says here that when Muhammad Ali beat Sonny Liston in 1964, he became the youngest heavyweight champion in history.
HALLEY: Wasn't that record broken?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, but that doesn't make what I said a lie.
HALLEY: I never said...ugh, you're so hard to talk to sometimes.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, yeah, you still think I'm great.
HALLEY: You know, my dad loves Muhammad Ali. He even showed me his signature stance.
JAYLYNN: Really? Let me see.
Halley shows Jaylynn an off-kilter, awkward boxing stance.
JAYLYNN: Dude, that's not Muhammad Ali. That was probably Cassius Clay when he was a kid.
HALLEY: Who's Cassius Clay?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, you're right. Your dad must have taught you everything about Ali.
HALLEY: Come on, man, you wanna go? Put up your dukes.
JAYLYNN: Put up my dukes? Did Anja teach you how to fight or something?
HALLEY: Oh, you're just scared I'll pop you in your jaw. It just takes one shot.
JAYLYNN: Please, back in Portland, they said I had a jaw made of steel.
HALLEY: You sure it wasn't glass?
JAYLYNN: Damn, you talk a big game for someone who can't fight.
HALLEY: Oh, that's where you're wrong. Check this out.
Halley begins shadowboxing.
JAYLYNN: Not bad. But I think you need to increase the force of your punch.
HALLEY: Won't that hurt my hands?
JAYLYNN: Maybe, but the other guy won't even be able to speak.
Jaylynn tries adjusting Halley's fists.
JAYLYNN: Okay, take a swing at me. Show me if you can hang.
HALLEY: I'm not hitting you, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: You don't have to. Just remember to use force and follow through.
Halley ends up using Jaylynn's tips to punch her in the face.
JAYLYNN: Ah, what the f***?!
HALLEY: I'm sorry, man, that wasn't supposed to happen!
JAYLYNN: What, were you trying to impress me?! Damn!
Jaylynn writhes in pain as she falls to the floor and people rush to her aid.
SCENE 4
iCarly Elementary School
Exterior Nurse's Office
Seattle, Washington
The boys are all sitting down on a nearby bench.
SPARKY: Man, I hope Jaylynn's okay.
RK: She'll live. It's not like she has any broken bones or a flesh-eating bacteria or some paralysis that will cause her to speak through a computer.
SPARKY: I don't think I imagined her having any of those problems.
WADE: I'm surprised Jaylynn didn't see it coming. Halley just caught her as clean as she could.
BUSTER: I wonder who would win in a fight between those two.
RK: That's easy, Jaylynn.
SPARKY: You don't think Halley stands a chance?
RK: I never said that, I just don't think she can beat Jaylynn.
WADE: Then again, we've never seen Halley fight. And that punch was right on the nose.
BUSTER: I thought it was in her eye.
The boys groan at Buster's statement. Cut to inside the nurse's office where the nurse gives Jaylynn, who now has a black eye, an ice pack.
JAYLYNN: I guess because of what happened today, you're forced to send me home, right?
NURSE: No, not if you're feeling okay.
JAYLYNN: Ow. My eye really hurts. I should go home and forget all of this happened.
NURSE: Well, if that's the case, I'll just have to call your teachers and let them know you won't be coming to the rest of your classes.
The nurse goes to the telephone to make some calls.
HALLEY: I hurt you that bad?
JAYLYNN: No, but there's a science test later today and I didn't study enough for it.
HALLEY: Look, Jaylynn, I'm really sorry about this. I think I followed through with a little bit too much force.
JAYLYNN: It's alright, man. I've gotten hurt worse before. One time, I was walking home from school and these three girls just jumped me like I stole something. I think one of them stomped on me.
HALLEY: What the hell did you do?
JAYLYNN: Let's just say, I told one of them she was so fat, she thought a stick of butter was part of a balanced breakfast.
HALLEY: That's it?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, kids are sensitive. What a shocker.
SCENE 5
The Westboro Complex
Exterior Entrance
Seattle, Washington
Sparky pulls up at Buster's building later that day when he sees Wade near the door.
SPARKY: What the hell?
Sparky gets out of the car and walks towards the entrance.
SPARKY: Hey Wade, what are you doing here?
WADE: Hanging out with Buster. Why, is there an issue you have with that?
SPARKY: No, not at all, I was just...
WADE: Because he's not all yours, Sparky. I don't always have to go on some madcap adventure with RK or hang out with Adriana. Buster and I are like that. We're soul brothers.
SPARKY: Soul brothers, huh? Okay, let me ask you something, then. What's Buster's favorite breakfast cereal?
Beat.
WADE: Raisin bran?
SPARKY: Fantastic. For a minute, I thought you didn't know anything about Buster.
WADE: Forget about me for a while. What are you doing here?
SPARKY: To hang out with Buster. My best friend and my soul brother.
WADE: Oh, so you're gonna watch a little TV, huh? Thinking about some TV?
SPARKY: There's a possibility we'll watch TV.
WADE: Oh yeah, what are you gonna watch? Some Reading Rainbow, a little Learn to Read?
SPARKY: Oh, come on, neither of those shows are even in reruns!
WADE: Admit it, Sparky, you can't stop thinking about that world records book.
SPARKY: Not until you admit the same thing.
WADE: Alright, I want that book. I need that book. The one year Buster picks out a halfway decent book at the book fair, there are no copies left? What does that tell you?
SPARKY: That the fix is in?
WADE: Exactly. I feel like RK thinking about this conspiracy.
SPARKY: You know what? Maybe it's not so bad. Buster will read the book for a couple days, get bored with it, and then give it to one of us.
WADE: Oh no, I'm not rolling the dice on that. He might end up tossing it in the trash or using it as collateral at recess. I'm not letting anything bad happen to that book.
SPARKY: So what do you suggest?
WADE: Timeshare.
SPARKY: Timeshare?
SCENE 6
The Newman Condominium
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The episode directly cuts to inside the condo.
BUSTER: Timeshare?
WADE: Exactly, timeshare.
BUSTER: But Wade, you can't share time. It doesn't stop for anyone.
WADE: Alright, I'm really gonna need you to pay attention as I talk.
BUSTER: Okay.
WADE: With timeshare, the world records book is split amongst all three of us. You have it for a while, I have it for a while, and Sparky has it for a while.
BUSTER: So what, that makes you guys shareholders?
WADE: He understands what a shareholder is, but not timeshare. I just don't know.
SPARKY: Yes, Buster, that makes us shareholders. So what do you say? You think one of us could have the book for a while?
BUSTER; Well, if it's only for a couple days, I don't see why not. But you two better take care of it.
WADE: No problem. We'll keep that book in pristine condition.
BUSTER: But since you guys both want it, the right thing to do is flip for it like it's the NFL.
Buster takes out a quarter from his pocket.
BUSTER: Who calls it?
SPARKY: Heads.
Buster flips the quarter in the air and it lands on the coffee table. He takes a close look at it and then puts on miniature reading glasses to help him see better.
BUSTER: It's tails. Wade gets his share first.
WADE: YES!
SPARKY: Or, or, maybe you choose to defer to me, and you'll have your time with the book later? You know, like the real NFL?
WADE: No, I'm good.
SPARKY: Crap.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn walks into school the next day and goes to the water fountain. At that point, she gets approached by two random boys.
BOY: Hey Jaylynn, didn't think you would show up today.
JAYLYNN: Why wouldn't I?
BOY #2: Well, Halley knocked you out pretty good. I thought you would be running scared.
JAYLYNN: I got punched in the face, not shot in the head. Besides, it was an accident.
BOY: That's not what we heard.
JAYLYNN: What did you hear? That you're dumb as f***? Get out of here, I've never even seen you idiots before.
BOY #2: Damn, Halley has her shook.
BOY: You're telling me.
The two boys laugh as they walk away from an upset Jaylynn. She sees Halley and walks towards her.
HALLEY: Hey Jaylynn, how's the black eye?
JAYLYNN: What's that supposed to mean? You trying to brag? Because I can give you one too if you want it.
HALLEY: Whoa, what did I say?
JAYLYNN: I'm sorry, I'm just annoyed. These two dudes thought you hit me on purpose.
HALLEY: Why would they think that?
JAYLYNN: I don't know, kids are stupid. Listen, you didn't tell anyone anything, did you?
HALLEY: Of course not. I don't need to spread rumors about other people. That's not my style.
JAYLYNN: Alright, well, if you hear anything weird, can you try taking care of it? I don't need people thinking I'm some scared pussy who doesn't want to fight.
HALLEY: Consider it done.
JAYLYNN: Thanks, man.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Why are you staring at me like that?
HALLEY: No, it's just your complexion is so damn clear. How do you do it?
JAYLYNN: Really? I mean, you know, I've been drinking a lot of water lately. Getting those vitamins and minerals in there.
HALLEY: That's all it takes, huh?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, it's the drink of champions. Wait, what did I come here for?
SCENE 8
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
After school, Sparky is watching TV while Wade is reading Buster's world records book.
WADE: Wow, this is one of the most informative books I've ever read. They actually have a record for the country that consumes the most water per capita.
SPARKY: Yeah, that might be interesting, but...do you see what's going on with this SpongeBob episode? Plankton might finally steal the Krabby Patty secret formula.
WADE: How long has he been doing that anyway? Fifteen years?
SPARKY: Try twenty.
WADE: Well, if you ask me, most sitcoms have no business going past five or six seasons. They all start becoming repetitive and they make the characters so irritating.
SPARKY: I don't think that's fair. If a show can go at least seven seasons, it's doing something right.
Sparky briefly glances at the camera and then back at the television.
SPARKY: So, Wade, this, uh, this world records book. How about it?
WADE: It's a pretty damn good book. Buster broke the mold when he bought it.
SPARKY: Sure did. But you know, it's not the kind of book you would be interested in reading past a day or two, right?
WADE: Actually, I might keep it for about a week. Since that was part of our timeshare agreement?
SPARKY: Yeah, I was there when you mentioned that.
WADE: Alright then.
Beat.
SPARKY: Please, you're not even reading it. You're eye-syncing it.
WADE: What? I'm eye-syncing it?
SPARKY: Yeah, you know how all the pop artists don't actually sing in concert? Their lips are just mouthing the words playing in the background? Well, that's what you're doing. You're looking at the pages for three seconds, and-and flipping through them like some kinda...some kinda heathen.
WADE: You mean, I'm skimming through it? Because what you just said didn't make any sense.
SPARKY: I might have meant that.
WADE: Look, Sparky, I don't want to be rude, but I think it's time for you to go. The way you're lusting after this book is a little uncomfortable.
SPARKY: Uncomfortable? You're already a know-it-all. Why in the world do you need this book? You're like Barry Bonds taking steroids on top of steroids.
Wade gives Sparky an annoyed look.
SPARKY: So, you looking forward to blueberry season?
SCENE 9
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Jaylynn leaves one of her classes and sees Halley using exaggerated movements while talking to Sanna and Ashley.
JAYLYNN: What is this child doing?
Jaylynn moves in for a closer look while trying to avoid being seen. She also pushes down two kids in her way.
HALLEY: So that's when Jaylynn said that I fight like Muhammad Ali's long-lost stillborn daughter.
ASHLEY: What?
HALLEY: Yeah, I asked her the same thing. So that's when I told her not to cross me. I mean, I love Jaylynn, but she was doing way too much. So after that, one thing led to another and I punched her to the ground.
SANNA: Wow. I didn't think you had it in you, Halley. Jaylynn's always talking about all those fights she was in back in Phoenix.
ASHLEY: She's from Portland.
SANNA: They're both on the West Coast and start with P. Nobody cares.
HALLEY: Honestly, I think she's lying about those fights. Sure, she harassed a couple little kids who weren't doing anything and stole their money, but who did she really go up against? Believe me, I would mop the floor with her again.
JAYLYNN: Then why don't you do it?
HALLEY: I will. Right after I ask how you're doing, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: I need to talk to you. Without any witnesses.
HALLEY: You sure that's a good idea? Something might happen.
JAYLYNN: That's what I'm praying for.
Jaylynn and Halley walk over to a private area.
HALLEY: Wow, that black eye's really healing. I guess everything turned out okay.
JAYLYNN: Dude, what kind of idiot do you take me for? Do I look like Booboo the Fool?
HALLEY: Look, maybe if I explain, it will make sense.
JAYLYNN: There ain't shit to explain. How could you lie on me like this, Halley? I thought we were friends.
HALLEY: We are friends. Trust me, I didn't spread the rumors. I even tried to stop them. But by the time I did, half the school already thought that we got in a fight and I punched you for real.
JAYLYNN: Yeah. That's what happens with rumors. Which is why you squash them before they get worse!
HALLEY: Dude, you don't get it. Every time I tried telling the truth, nobody believed me. They would rather believe in something that didn't happen so now, I'm just going along with it.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, at my expense! Halley, I can't have people thinking I'm weak.
HALLEY: You don't have to. That's why you need to get in on this with me and sell the story.
JAYLYNN: There's no story to sell. What kind of bizarro world did I step into?
HALLEY: Look, Jaylynn, in a week or two, when everybody's bored, they'll forget all about this. But until then, we should have fun with it. When girls fight, people want to watch.
JAYLYNN: Don't you think that sounds kinda sleazy?
HALLEY: It does, but that doesn't mean we can't take advantage of everybody being stupid.
JAYLYNN: I don't know. I can't get sucked into these dumbass rumors. Wait, why is Sanna yelling at Ashley?
HALLEY: Huh?
Jaylynn takes advantage of the distraction and punches Halley in the face.
JAYLYNN: Alright, maybe I can get sucked in.
HALLEY: You jackass, I didn't mean, punch me in the face!
JAYLYNN: Halley, get with the program. I'm just "selling the story," bro.
HALLEY: Okay, you're on.
Halley lunges at Jaylynn and the two begin fighting, but nobody tries breaking it up as all the kids pull out their phones to record the fight.
SCENE 10
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
After school, Sparky is watching TV when RK walks in.
RK: Hey Sparko, you want to grab a milkshake at Ike's?
SPARKY: No thanks.
RK: Look, man, I know it's tough. Jaylynn and Halley are over here kicking each other's ass. It's a lot to take in.
SPARKY: I'm not upset about that. I asked them about it, but they told me not to worry about it.
RK: And you believed them?
SPARKY: I don't have time to worry about everything!
RK: Come on, man, what's eating you?
SPARKY: It's Wade. He convinced Buster to take part in this timeshare where we all have the world records book. But Wade's hogging it and I can't stand it.
RK: What world records book?
SPARKY: The one that Buster bought at the book fair. Remember?
RK: Oh yeah. I'm sorry, I've been staying under the radar lately, I'm forgetting more than I know. Anyway, what's the problem here?
SPARKY: I just want the book so bad. It will help me forget about what happened before. You remember that day?
RK: Oh no. The second grade book fair?
SPARKY: Of course. It was the worst day of my life. I bought that book about "Stone Cold" Steve Austin after weeks of waiting for it, I left it near the jungle gym at recess and I never saw it again. I never had a chance to enjoy the book I always wanted.
RK: Would it make you feel better if I played a tiny violin in the background?
SPARKY: RK, this isn't a joke, man. This is real life. That was a traumatic experience.
RK: I understand, man, but there are ways you can help yourself. Just buy a copy of that world records book on Amazon. They deliver on Sundays, Sparky. You're not living right if you pass that up.
SPARKY: No, it won't be the same. I have to do this the right way, no copouts.
RK: Well, whenever Wade has something I really want and he won't give it to me in the diplomatic way, I take matters into my own hands.
SPARKY: So what, you just take it?
RK: Yeah, what else can I do? If you really want something, you need to ask yourself what you're willing to do to get it. It's time for you to pull off a heist.
SPARKY: I don't know, man.
RK: Hey, if you're still on the fence, I'll help you plan it out. Wade won't even be able to figure out who took the book when we're done.
SPARKY: That sounds exciting.
RK: Of course, it's an RK Jennings signature moment. But I kinda wish you guys didn't lose your minds over some book company finessing you out of your money.
SPARKY: Dude, last week, you let some guy sell you four Air Heads for ten bucks.
RK: I was helping him fund his mixtape! If I don't do my part to feed the streets, then what does that make me?
SPARKY: A regular child?
SCENE 11
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Jaylynn and Halley are writing on a large notepad.
JAYLYNN: Hey, I'm sorry about what happened earlier. I was still kinda upset because I thought you were trying to make me look like a loser.
HALLEY: No, I deserved it. I should have told you about my plan before I did it.
JAYLYNN: It's a good thing you told me, though. This is going to be priceless. Okay, so I was thinking I would start by calling you a pathological liar.
HALLEY: Really?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I could say something like, "Halley lies about everything. If you ask her now, she'll probably tell you she was with Biggie a week before he got killed."
HALLEY: That's good. And then I could say something about your mom.
Jaylynn simply gives Halley a blank stare.
HALLEY: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, just off general principle, I hate "yo momma" jokes. Even when they're not directed at me.
HALLEY: Okay, well, I could say you've been lying about your fights and you're a wannabe badass.
JAYLYNN: See, that's what I'm talking about. And then I challenge you right then and there to another fight.
HALLEY: We circle around each other, we talk a bunch of random shit in each other's face.
JAYLYNN: And then I knock you into next week.
HALLEY: You're not gonna hit me.
JAYLYNN: Alright, fine, you can get the first hit. Just don't aim for my cheekbones, I like to think of them as the moneymakers.
HALLEY: Nobody's hitting anybody.
JAYLYNN: Then what are we doing here? Because I'm confused.
HALLEY: Look, Jaylynn, if we're going to sell the story, we have to give everybody something to look forward to. If we fight now, that just takes away the excitement.
JAYLYNN: So we make it seem like we're going to fight and then something happens to stop us?
HALLEY: Exactly. We'll let everybody think we're gonna do it and then back away at the last minute to keep them talking.
JAYLYNN: You sure that's the best idea?
HALLEY: Of course. We're going to make them wait to see another fight. And that's when it gets really funny because it will never happen!
JAYLYNN: I like the way you think, Halley. That's why you'll always be my third-best friend.
HALLEY: It doesn't make it any better the more you say it.
Beat.
HALLEY: Hey, how would you feel if I said something about your dad?
JAYLYNN: Say whatever you want, I don't give a f*** about him.
SCENE 12
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next morning, Sparky is at his locker putting books away. He then takes out the Scholastic world records book.
SPARKY: It doesn't get any better than this.
Sparky puts the book in his locker.
WADE (O.S.): Read any good books lately?
Sparky's eyes widen and he shuts his locker to reveal Wade standing next to him. He screams.
SPARKY: Hey Wade, how goes it? You look strong, like you haven't missed a meal in weeks.
WADE: Sparky, I know it was you that snuck into my house and stole the book from me.
SPARKY: You have no proof of that.
WADE: Okay, there's no way you could have done it alone. You had help.
SPARKY: I don't have to reveal any information to you.
WADE: It was RK, wasn't it?
SPARKY: See, you came to that conclusion on your own.
WADE: I can't believe you, man. You and RK colluded to take the book away from me?! While I was sleeping?!
SPARKY: Well, it's not like we would have done it while you were awake. Besides, it's your fault. This timeshare thing meant that I couldn't have the book.
WADE: You obtain the book after a predetermined amount of time!
SPARKY: We didn't pre-determine shit!
WADE: Alright. It's fine. Just give me the book back and we can forget about this little episode.
SPARKY: Oh no, there's still time left for the episode. And according to timeshare rules, if you lose access of the property during your time, it automatically goes to the next person.
WADE: No, it doesn't!
SPARKY: Well, it should.
WADE: Dude, just give me back the book. Or better yet, I'll just take it back.
Wade takes the book out of Sparky's locker.
SPARKY: Wade, I'm a peaceful person, but I'm known to get nasty.
WADE: If you don't start the problem, there won't be a problem.
Sparky grabs half of the book.
SPARKY: Oh no, I'm solving the problem. Let the book go.
WADE: You let the book go, it's not even yours!
SPARKY: It's not yours either. You bamboozled Buster with this timeshare crap instead of asking to borrow it like I would have.
WADE: They're not the same thing! One of them has a verbal contract and I'm a man of my freaking word!
SPARKY: Unhand the book, Wade.
WADE: You unhand it!
Sparky and Wade's tug of war for the book devolves into them pulling on both ends until it rips in half.
WADE: No. No, that didn't just happen.
SPARKY: It's not our fault, Wade. You know who caused this? Scholastic. This is shoddy craftsmanship.
WADE: Oh man, we're screwed! Buster is going to kill us when he finds out!
SPARKY: No, he's not. The book fair just ended, I'm pretty sure we can find another copy in the library.
WADE: And what if we can't?!
SPARKY: Then I'll tell Buster it was my fault. He's my best friend, I should take responsibility.
WADE: Oh, and I can use you as a human shield in case he attacks?
Sparky gives Wade an annoyed look.
WADE: I don't like conflict, Sparky!
SCENE 13
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
At lunch, Jaylynn is eating by herself when Halley stands on top of a table.
HALLEY: Hey Jaylynn! Jaylynn Hernandez!
Jaylynn looks up from her tray with confusion.
HALLEY: Yeah, I see you over there eating your little French fries. I'm surprised you can still eat after what I did to you.
Several kids make the "ooh" sound and laugh in response.
JAYLYNN: Halley, put it to rest. This whole thing is pathetic.
HALLEY: Oh, really? You know what I think? You're a fake tough guy.
JAYLYNN: I'm a fake tough guy. That's what you're saying right now?
HALLEY: Damn right I am. You claim to be this big bad fighter back in Portland, but who did you really beat? The kindergarteners?
The kids continue laughing.
JAYLYNN: That is so sad, Halley. These kids have no choice but to believe in your lies.
HALLEY: Lies?
JAYLYNN: Yeah. You're a pathological liar. You probably think you talked to Biggie a week before he got killed.
The kids laugh again.
JAYLYNN: So it's funny that you think you can beat me because if we did fight, you would be in the ER for a month.
The kids make the "ooh" sound again.
HALLEY: You want to prove that? You think you can really beat me? Well, let's do it right now!
The kids cheer as Halley and Jaylynn walk up to each other and stare each other down. However, Halley laughs and walks away as the kids boo.
HALLEY: Or maybe we can do it some other time. When it happens, it will be because I say so.
Halley winks at Jaylynn and Jaylynn winks back as Halley leaves the cafeteria and the booing continues.
JAYLYNN: I know, I know. Pussy energy, I know.
SCENE 14
Barnes & Noble
Seattle, Washington
After school, Sparky and Wade walk into the bookstore.
WADE: I guess you were wrong. They didn't have a copy at school.
SPARKY: Yeah, man, that's why we're here. Why did you have to remind me?
WADE: This is terrible. All I wanted was to buy the premier book and Buster got to it first. I let this happen and I didn't do anything to stop it.
SPARKY: We can blame ourselves later, Wade. For now, let's just get a new copy and it will be like nothing happened to the old one.
WADE: Yeah, you're right. I said I would stop spiraling this year and I'm already not keeping my word.
Sparky and Wade walk up to the register.
SPARKY: Hey there, sir. We just wanted to know if you had a copy of Scholastic World Records 2019 in stock.
CASHIER: Sure. Let me just check the database.
SPARKY: The database, fantastic. You see, Wade, the bookstore is our last defense against modern-day technology. You come here, you have a cup of coffee, you meet someone new, and you get the best books in top of the line condition. Who says you have to buy your books online?
CASHIER: Sorry, kid, it looks like this book is sold out. But we should be getting a new shipment next week.
SPARKY: Next week?! Buster might want the book back by next week!
WADE: See, stuff like this is why bookstores are losing money.
SCENE 15
The Hernandez Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Jaylynn is watching TV when she gets a call. She takes a look at her phone.
JAYLYNN: "Unknown." Oh no, not this time.
Jaylynn declines the call and sets her phone down. However, it rings again and she sighs when she realizes that "Unknown" is calling again. This time, she answers it.
JAYLYNN: Alright, RK, go ahead and do it. You can pretend all you want that you're hiding in my bathtub, but you and I both know you're not there.
MANNY: That sounds like your own problem, honey.
JAYLYNN: Manny? What the hell are you doing calling me? I never gave you my number!
MANNY: The mystery of life, miel. Now, listen to me. Your girl Halley? She's been talking reckless since lunchtime. I don't know, man, you need to take a swing at her and show her what's up.
JAYLYNN: Halley's not going to do anything. Besides, what has she been saying?
MANNY: I've just been hearing things. Saying you're a chicken legged bitch, you have a big mouth, and she'll eat your weak right hands like Scooby Snacks.
JAYLYNN: Wait, so you don't even know if she said this, you're just hearing it from other people?
MANNY: I'm hearing it from Will and he's hearing it from other people, stupid. It's a cycle. Look, you need to let Halley know she's doing too much and knock her white ass down.
JAYLYNN: Why do you care so much?
MANNY: We're Hispanic. We need to stick together.
JAYLYNN: Stick together? I used to hear stories all the time about you shitting on Dominicans.
MANNY: Yeah, but that was different, man. I was, uh...I wasn't woke.
Jaylynn hangs up the phone and puts it down.
JAYLYNN: Damn kids wasting my damn time.
SCENE 16
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Jaylynn walks into school and hears people mentioning her and Halley's names. She groans as she goes to her locker where RK is nearby.
JAYLYNN: RK, I did a stupid thing.
RK: We all do stupid things, Jaylynn. What's so stupid about this thing?
JAYLYNN: Well, have you heard any rumors about me and Halley?
RK: What, that you two hate each other and you're going to go at it soon? Yeah, everyone's talking about it. They were taking bets in gym yesterday.
JAYLYNN: There were kids gambling on a fight between me and Halley?!
RK: Yeah, but don't worry. I put my money on you.
JAYLYNN: You can take your money back. There's not going to be a fight.
RK: What? You have this whole school buzzing and now, you're not going to give the people what they want? That's just bad ethics, Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: No, it's not that. After Halley hit me, this rumor spread that it wasn't an accident. Then she bought into it, and I bought into it because it was really damn funny, but now, it's all messed up. I love Halley, I don't wanna fight her.
RK: So why make people think you were going to fight her?
JAYLYNN: Like I said, because it was really damn funny. Now, everybody's spreading their own rumors. If Halley and I don't fight, we'll both look like losers.
RK: Have you tried convincing Halley to take a dive?
JAYLYNN: No. I don't want to win a fight that way.
RK: Have you considered taking one?
JAYLYNN: No, because I don't have the energy of a punk.
RK: So, no solutions at all, huh?
JAYLYNN: I guess not. I just want all this to be over. Where's Halley?
RK: I wouldn't go looking for her if I were you. That just gives people more stories to make up.
JAYLYNN: You're right. I need to talk to her after school.
RK: The two of you could meet at Anja's. You know she has morals. She'll probably give you some advice like fighting is not the answer or be true to yourself or stop making fun of Lynne when she's not here.
JAYLYNN: How do you know I do that?
RK: I text with Anja once a week. She doesn't like that you do it, but she keeps saying she'll get around to telling you.
JAYLYNN: Well, it looks like I have no choice. Anja, it is. I just need to make a quick phone call.
RK: Oh, while you're on your phone, you can just delete those unknown calls after 10:00. I hear somebody was trying to let you know they're in your bathtub.
Jaylynn gives RK a bored look.
SCENE 17
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That afternoon, Sparky and Wade are watching TV.
WADE: Man, that was a close call.
SPARKY: I know. But hey, at least we were able to get another copy of the book. Amazon Prime, the new wave of the future.
WADE: So, you're completely over Barnes & Noble, aren't you?
SPARKY: I said some things I didn't believe in, yes.
At that point, Buster walks in.
BUSTER: Hey Sparky.
Sparky and Wade scream when they see Buster.
SPARKY: Buster, what are you doing here?!
BUSTER: You invited me over.
SPARKY: Oh yeah. I might have done that.
WADE: So Buster, you ready to watch some television?
BUSTER: Yeah. Why are you guys acting so weird?
SPARKY: Why would we not be acting so weird?
WADE: Right?
Beat.
BUSTER: Makes sense. Hey, could I see the world records book? I just want to make sure I didn't leave any stray gum in there.
SPARKY: Sure. Check away.
Buster gets the new copy from Sparky and opens it, but squints his eyes when he notices something weird.
BUSTER: What happened to my name?
WADE: Say what now?
BUSTER: I wrote my name on the first page, but it's not here. See?
Sparky and Wade see that the new copy has no name on the inside of the cover.
SPARKY: I bought the book and you couldn't even write his name down?!
WADE: I was under a lot of pressure! Look, Buster, we need to confess. We ripped up your copy from the book fair because we were fighting over it.
BUSTER: You guys were trying to kick each other's ass over a book?
WADE: Well, it was more of an intense debate.
SPARKY: We just bought this book from Amazon Prime and hoped you wouldn't notice any difference. I'm sorry, Buster, I just wanted that book all to myself.
WADE: Me too. I kinda hoodwinked you with the whole timeshare scheme.
BUSTER: Wait a minute. Does this have anything to do with that "Stone Cold" book from the second grade?
SPARKY: Yeah. But just because I didn't get to enjoy the book of my dreams, doesn't mean you shouldn't get to enjoy yours.
WADE: Wait, there's a traumatic backstory to all this?
SPARKY: It doesn't get any better with time.
BUSTER: You know what, guys? You went to all this trouble to fix things, so I guess it's not a big deal.
SPARKY: Ah, you're the best, Buster.
WADE: See, I'm thinking it's the book fair's fault. There's too many expectations on kids today to get the best stuff.
SPARKY: I know, it's degrading.
BUSTER: There's just one thing I don't understand. If you guys wanted the book so bad, why didn't you buy your own copies from Amazon Prime?
Beat. Sparky and Wade have blank stares after Buster's statement. Cut to an aerial view of Sparky's house from outside.
SPARKY: MOTHERF*****!
SCENE 18
The Saleh Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Around the same time, Jaylynn and Anja are talking together.
JAYLYNN: And now, the whole school is waiting on us to fight for real. I don't know what to do.
ANJA: Wait, this whole thing started because of Muhammad Ali?
At that point, Halley walks into the house.
HALLEY: You called me in?
JAYLYNN: Yeah. This whole thing is getting way out of hand.
HALLEY: I know. I heard some third graders talk about how you said you could knock all my teeth out with one punch.
ANJA: Could she?
HALLEY: I don't know. We're not here to find out!
ANJA: Well, it seems to me you guys should just suck it up and tell everyone the truth. The more a rumor spreads, the less chance you have of destroying it. Then it just grows and grows like a nasty parasite until...well, until you die.
Beat.
HALLEY: That's it? That's your plan?
JAYLYNN: You always tell me that I should listen to your advice more, I give you a big opportunity, and this is the best you can do?
ANJA: Hey, solicited advice is a privilege, not a birthright. And what else do you want me to say? You can't have people talking if there's nothing to talk about.
HALLEY: So, is there anything else we can do?
ANJA: Distraction.
JAYLYNN: Distraction?
ANJA: Yeah, distraction. You just give them something more interesting to talk about, and then everybody will get bored with the old story.
HALLEY: Do you have anything that will make things go back to normal by, like, tomorrow?
ANJA: Other than that, no. I'm sorry, guys, I'm not the best at advice when everyone asks me.
JAYLYNN: I think we should go through with the fight. It's the only way.
HALLEY: Dude, we could get detention or suspension for that.
JAYLYNN: I'm not saying we have to really fight. Let's do what the WWE does: Make it look like we're fighting.
HALLEY: Okay, you have my attention, keep going.
JAYLYNN: Tomorrow, after school, we go to Ken Griffey, Jr. Park. We're going to have everybody watching the fight. During the fight, we're both going to land a fake punch at the exact same time, and make it look like we knocked each other out. Everyone sees we're both awesomesauce, no one cares about us fighting anymore, and it's over.
HALLEY: That's genius. Let's do it!
ANJA: Well, that's the end of my day. Please lock up when you're done, I'm going to take a cat nap upstairs.
With a bored expression, Anja gets off the couch and walks upstairs.
JAYLYNN: I kinda feel like I wasted her time.
HALLEY: She'll be okay.
SCENE 19
Ken Griffey, Jr. Park
Interior Basketball Court
Seattle, Washington
After school the next day, the kids of iCarly Elementary are in a frenzy as they watch Jaylynn and Halley stare each other down. Cut to the boys watching.
SPARKY: I still can't believe this is happening.
WADE: You tried talking them out of it. There's nothing else you could do.
BUSTER: Don't worry, guys. Jaylynn and Halley have a plan.
RK: They told you that?
BUSTER: Well, Jaylynn did. Then when I asked her what the plan was, she told me my shoe was untied and she ran away. But it wasn't untied, RK. It wasn't!
Cut back to Jaylynn and Halley's faceoff.
JAYLYNN: You ready for this?
HALLEY: Yeah. Wait, what's my cue for the fake punch?
JAYLYNN: Girl, we practiced this. You watch me ball up my fist, and then you ball up yours. We wind up at the same time, and then bam! Fake city.
HALLEY: Alright. This better work.
JAYLYNN: It will. No way I'm going to let these people think you're better than me.
Halley gives Jaylynn a strange look.
JAYLYNN: I don't like anybody thinking they're better than me.
("Glass Shatters" by Disturbed plays in the background)
As the song starts playing, Jaylynn and Halley begin circling each other. The kids chant "Fight!" over and over as the two lock up briefly, but pull away from each other. Jaylynn slaps Halley's thigh, which leads to Halley slapping Jaylynn's thigh in response. The two then take part in a slap fight before Jaylynn gets Halley in a headlock. Buster begins chanting "Fight!" which causes the other boys to stare at him. Jaylynn releases the headlock, and then slaps Halley, which causes Halley to slap Jaylynn in retaliation. Halley then pinches Jaylynn's arm, and Jaylynn slaps Halley even harder out of frustration. Sparky hides behind RK and Wade, refusing to see the fight.
JAYLYNN: I'm getting ready.
HALLEY: I know what you're getting ready for. Well, it's not happening, bitch!
JAYLYNN: What?
Out of anger, Halley tries throwing a legitimate punch at Jaylynn, but misses. Jaylynn realizes the situation has changed and angrily balls up her fist. Halley recognizes the signal and balls up her own. The two look enraged as they legitimately punch each other in the face, knocking each other out and down to the ground. "Glass Shatters" stops playing immediately as most of the kids look shocked, take pictures and videos, then shrug and walk away. The boys, however, look casual as they walk up to an incapacitated Jaylynn and Halley.
SPARKY: Buster and I take Halley, you guys take Jaylynn.
RK: How come we always take Jaylynn?
Sparky and Buster pick up Halley and carry her away, while RK and Wade do the same with Jaylynn.
SCENE 20
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That night, Jaylynn and Halley are wearing ice packs on their heads while the boys surround them.
JAYLYNN: Ugh. I feel like I got my skull cracked open by a truck.
HALLEY: For 45 minutes, I forgot my own name.
JAYLYNN: What's going on here? Did we die?
SPARKY: No, but your little fight was a no decision so we took you both home.
HALLEY: But this isn't my home, sweetie. Wait, is it?
WADE: Guys, I hope you learned something from all this.
JAYLYNN: Yeah. Don't feed the trolls.
WADE: That's not exactly what I was hoping you would say, but okay.
HALLEY: I think we might have went a little overboard near the end.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, I guess we got sucked into it like everyone else did. And we'll never know for sure who could beat who.
HALLEY: Hey Sparky, who do you think could win in a fight? Me or Jaylynn?
Beat.
SPARKY: Did you guys know blueberry season is coming up?
Cut to black.
("No Shame in My Game" by Gang Starr plays over the end credits)
©2019 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS