I feel like I've opened a creepy door in the attic and dusted off an old manuscript. I ventured back into this old account and realized how much these characters will ALWAYS pull me back in, no matter how much the real show disappoints. I still wish we could go back to S3 and change the direction it went, but that's what makes the fanfic that much better, I suppose. So...this was written a very, VERY long time ago, before S4 was even a thought and before we knew how much they were capable of messing up.
This was my post-break up story that I could never bring myself to publish, but always wished I had.
It was after four in the morning by the time Nick got home from the bar. He was exhausted, but he knew it would just be another night of restless and miserable sleep. Closing the door to the loft, he threw his keys on the side table and rubbed his face was a tired sigh. He debated grabbing a beer from the kitchen, but decided against it. Strangely enough, not even alcohol was of any interest to him in the past few weeks.
Trudging toward the hallway, he tried to resist peeking in on Jess in her old room. Sometimes, when he got home late like this, he would quietly open the door and check on her. He wanted so badly to go to her, to be close to her again. One time in particular he had taken it too far and had sat on the bed next to her. It was the only time she seemed to look content, yet even in her sleep the new lines of worry and sadness seemed permanently etched in her delicate features.
Tonight, the door was partially open. Maybe she was in the bathroom, he thought. Glancing down the hallway at the darkened room at the end, he took a huge gulp of air thinking of all the reasons why she wasn't here. He still hadn't come to terms with the fact that, someday, she would find someone else and he'd either have the pain of watching them together here in the loft, or Jess disappearing from his life for good.
Paralyzed by his thoughts, he peeked back into the room hoping that maybe he had missed her. His eyes swept across the bed with the covers thrown back and instinctively the next place his eyes traveled was the hook by the door. She always hung her light pink robe there, and when he noticed it missing, he released a breath he didn't know he had been holding. Nick closed his eyes for a moment, knowing it was time to just go to bed and enjoy the few precious hours of the day when he was asleep and not replaying every fight they ever had in his head on an endless loop.
With a determined step, he walked across the hall, but his hand never made contact with the doorknob. Turning on his heels, he made his way back to the front door and left the loft. By the time he had reached the top of the stairs to the roof, he had almost lost his nerve, but pushing on, he threw his weight against the heavy steel door. He didn't see her right away, but he knew where she'd be; her favorite chair by the far edge. They had spent so many nights up here while they were together. He'd find her lost in thought or reading a book with her favorite blanket. She'd always send him a text at work to let him know where she was, and he'd rush home to spend the quiet moments alone with her up here. It was a place where they could be alone, away from the rest of the world below where it was just them.
Things were different now.
Everything was different.
Everywhere he turned he was reminded of how good he had had it; how many things he had thrown away when he let Jess convince him that they were better off as friends.
He had replayed that night over and over in his head. While he was laying awake at night, while he was in the bathroom smelling her favorite shampoo from the shower, while he was working late at night. He never wanted to give up on them, but he wanted Jess to be happy. She was so sure that their futures couldn't be reconciled and that they were headed in two different directions. What she WASN'T aware of, was just how much he wanted all of those things with her. Marriage, the kids, a house on a lake if she wanted it. He didn't care. He didn't care what her dreams were, just that he in them WITH her. He had screwed up. He had pretended that he didn't make plans, when all he did was plan. He saw their future right there before his eyes, only maybe that was the problem. Life never worked out the way Nick Miller imagined it.
He watched her. His eyes scanned up and down her small figure sprawled out in the chair. She looked thinner. Her hair was pulled off her face on the sides with two small butterfly clips, but her brown curls didn't seem to have the same shine or bounce to them. Her skin was pale and her eyes puffy, the large and darkened bags underneath accentuating the sunken appearance of her cheeks. As her eyes watched the stars, they didn't seem to sparkle like he was used to, and she sat so still without her toes tapping to some bright and cheerful tune playing on a loop in her head.
Suddenly he didn't want to watch anymore. He didn't want to notice all the things that used to be, but no longer were.
It hurt too damn much.
He inhaled deeply, acutely aware of how different it felt to be breathing up here instead of the stale air of the bar. He had been breathing that air a lot lately; taking every extra shift possible and avoiding Cece's concerned looks every time he showed up early or stayed late. All in an attempt to avoid being at home.
Everything hurt now. Everything hurt will a dull ache that wouldn't go away.
Nothing was the same.
Nothing was the same without her.
Because he missed her. He missed the way she laughed, how she smelled, how she looked first thing in the morning all sleepy eyes and shy smiles. He missed the stolen kisses in the hallway and the way she fit perfectly under his arm as they sat on the couch. He was lonely and found himself laying awake at night in the dark wishing he could remember what her voice sounded like as she told him all about her day.
Silently, he sat down on the chair next to her, wanting to be so much closer but knowing that this may be the closest to her that he'd ever be again. His breathing slowed, finally succumbing to the exhaustion his mind and body felt as the dark, cool night suspended them in its cocoon. He felt his eyelids begin to get heavy, but in that last moment before he drifted off to sleep the silence was broken by Jess' soft whisper. It was the first thing she had said to him in what felt like weeks.
"I don't really want to move back to Portland."
His eyes blinked away the sleepiness, instantly feeling like he had just slept for 8 hours. His senses were heightened and he turned his head towards her. Piercing blue eyes were staring back at him, and even though they were missing the sparkle he remembered, he was mesmerized just the same. She spoke again, this time even more quiet.
"I love LA and...everyone."
He stared at her blankly, wondering if he should say something, or if this was one of those times where he was just meant to listen. They stared at each other for a moment, before her eyes dropped to her lap. Her shoulders slumped and she pressed her eyelids closed tightly. Her voice was sad, as if she was embarrassed at her sudden outburst.
"I don't know why I said that."
He leaned forward onto his knees, intrigued. "Why you said it now?"
Jess shook her head. "Before." Lifting her head again, she locked eyes with him once more, tears pooling on their surface.
"Oh."
"I don't know why I said a lot of those things." Her voice shook unevenly. It almost sounded unrecognizable to him. Maybe it was because they had been quiet for so long up here. Or maybe it was because they had been quiet for so long...down there. Downstairs in a world where they wouldn't let themselves be together.
Nick shook his head, his thumbs beginning their nervous twitching motions. "I don't like to drive." He paused, watching her head tilt in question. "Trucks I mean." His eyes dropped once again to his hands. "I don't want to drive a truck."
He stared down at his hands, wishing he could calm their motions but it was somehow oddly soothing. He heard the chair creak next to him as Jess shifted towards him. Wordlessly she reached out her small hand and laid it on one of his. The contact was warm and he instantly felt all his tension melt away. His fingers stopped their nervous twitching and he closed his eyes and held his breath, not wanting the moment to end. Her hand gave his a gentle squeeze before the loss of contact left him cold and alone once again. He turned his head as she rose off her chair. She crossed her arms over her chest and started walking towards the edge of the roof. Debating whether he should follow her or not, he watched her turn towards him. When she gave him a weak smile, he knew.
Following her to the edge, he leaned his hip along the cool cement, resting one hand on it's surface. She smiled again, her eyes looking just a little bit brighter. Maybe he did that. Maybe just a little.
"Nick?"
"Yeah?"
Jess stared out at the city with a dazed look in her eye, a sudden wistfulness to her voice. "What did you think about when you were a kid?"
Confused by her question, he squinted into the dim light surrounding them. "What do you mean?"
She shrugged, glancing over at him. "Did you ever imagine what your life would be like?"
"I did...at first." He swallowed thickly, memories suddenly flooding into his mind in tiny flashes. He glanced into her eyes and searched her face, feeling sucked in by her warmth and attention. He felt bolder now. When he was with her, he felt more confident than he had ever been in his life. "I used to imagine lots of things, Jess. But then Walt would come home, or WOULDN'T come home, and I had to pick up all the pieces. Nothing in my life ever turns out the way I wanted."
He saw her face fall a little. Maybe it was a realization. Maybe it was her finally seeing something real and not imaginary. Maybe it was finally seeing HIM for who he was, what had made him that way.
Her voice was quieter. "I used to dream up all the ways my parents could be happy. I thought if I could think about it enough, maybe it really would look like that." Her chin dropped to her chest. "It never worked."
"But you kept trying."
"I did." Blinking quickly, she nodded. "I guess I still do."
Nick shifted on his feet, wanting so badly to touch her again, even for a moment. Instead, he shoved his hands in his pockets as her eyes found his again.
"Jess?"
"Hmm?"
"I think you were right." Biting her lip, Jess held her breath for his next words. She wasn't sure she was ready to hear what he meant by his statement. He whispered softly. "It does feel good when someone sees you in their future, even if you're too afraid to look yourself."
Jess closed her eyes, a single tear falling down her cheek. Just as she was about to reach up and wipe it away, Nick's thumb found it instead. Her eyes fluttered open as his fingers curled around her neck, thumb gently stroking across her cheekbone. Her voice was low and scratchy, a tinge of fear in her words. She spoke with such resignation and hopelessness that he felt the wind knocked right out of him.
"But you never saw me."
Another tear fell down her cheek and he stood there frozen, watching her eyes drop from his. It was such a definitive statement, as if there were no question to it being the truth. Had she meant it the way it sounded? Is that what all this was about? Did she really think he never thought about their future at ALL? Too caught up in his own head, he hadn't realized how much time had passed. She took a step backwards and his hand fell from her face as she pulled away from him. He saw the pain and sadness in her eyes and his heart clenched in fear. Fear of even more loss.
"Is that what you think?" His voice quivered with panic and he moved closer to her. "That I didn't see a future with you?"
"Please, Nick," She flinched. Her eyes glistened, voice strained with undeniable defeat. "Don't."
"Are you crazy?! Of course I did!" She was startled by his loud declaration and the words continued to tumble out of his mouth in pleading desperation. "How can you...God Jess, I LOVE you. I've loved you since you walked through our door, and you actually thought I didn't want a future with you?" Nick could feel the anger boiling up inside him and the pent up energy was ready to burst from every pore of his body. He began to pace back and forth, his words cascading out in an endless stream.
"Every night I'd lie awake while you slept in my arms and just wonder how the hell I got so lucky. How maybe this could finally be it for me, you know? How maybe, FOR ONCE, my life would actually turn out the way I wanted it to. You gave me HOPE, Jess. You made me WANT things. BIG THINGS. Did you know I had talked to Clyde about running the bar?" He paused for just a second as she slowly shook her head, wide eyed and stunned. "Did you even ASK? Did you ever actually TALK to me about all these dreams you had, so I KNEW you actually saw a future with me too?!"
Inhaling sharply, Jess' eyes grew wide once again, before lunging forward in frustration with her hands in the air. "Wait just a minute, Nick. I thought that's what I DID! The second I started talking to you about what our future looked like, you ran away scared. Don't you DARE say I never told you what I wanted."
"What it LOOKED like, Jess. It was done. You had it all planned out already and just dropped me into your plan. What if it wasn't ME you wanted? What if..." Nick felt his pulse pounding in his ears, his hands curled into fists by his side. "You didn't TALK to me. You TOLD me. You didn't want to hear what I had to say. What MY plans were."
"YOUR plans." She spit out her words with venomous force. "I thought Nick Miller didn't MAKE plans."
"Of course I had plans." Inhaling deeply, his eyes were on fire and he took a step towards her. "You never gave me the chance to show you!"
"Show me? What was there to show me?!" Her face contorted in confusion.
"Everything!" He grabbed her arms and gave her a small shake. "I wanted to give you ALL of that, everything you wanted. I just couldn't do it yet. I'm not there, Jessica. I tried so hard and time just ..." He swallowed the lump in his throat, easing the grip as his hands fell to his sides. "ran out. I screwed around and I messed it up and...now it's all gone."
Wrapping her arms tightly around her body, Jess just stared at Nick, surprised by his outburst. She watched his face fall in defeat and his body go limp as he turned around to walk away. Reaching out, she grabbed his hand forcing him to stop. When he refused to turn around to face her, she walked in front of him slowly.
Tentatively reaching up, she touched her palm to his cheek. Closing his eyes at the soft feel of her skin against his, he was afraid to breathe. Afraid to feel, afraid to stay, afraid to let go. Afraid that the next time he'd lose her for good.
Taking a shaky breath, Jess stepped closer to him. Their chests rose and fell as they both caught their breath. Heart pounding in her chest, Jess searched his eyes, watching him stare unwavering at her and wanting so desperately to know what he was thinking. She swallowed away the rising lump in her throat and her voice cracked with deep breaths as his eyes dropped.
"I'm not gone, Nick. You're right, I DIDN'T ask. Maybe I was afraid that if I did, you'd say no." Stepping closer to him, her hands rested lightly on his chest, afraid that he would somehow disappear if she got too close. She choked out a whisper. "I'm never going to stop missing you."
Raising his eyes to meet hers, he squinted his eyes in confusion. For the first time, he saw the fear in her eyes too. How had he not seen it before? Of course Jessica Day's head would spin wildly out of control if she really thought he didn't have a plan for them. You can't get through life without a plan, not now. She wanted things. She had told him about always loving more, and going to Sadie for that stupid fertility test, and had gone through losing a job she really loved. He had listened to her, but how had he not heard what she was saying? She hadn't even thought twice when she had talked about their child on Christmas morning. It came spilling out of her mouth as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She had pictured a life with him and he had thrown it all away. Tossed it all away just to prove a point? To prove that life throws things at you and all those little things become the best parts.
Life DID throw things at you, and one of those things had been HER. She had unexpectedly breezed into his life and turned his whole world upside down.
JESS was his plan.
If he had her, everything else would fall into place. Maybe the rest would only fall into place because she cared enough to make him believe that it would.
"You." Nick inhaled sharply, breaking the silence.
"What?" She shook her head cautiously, terrified to breathe.
"You're my plan." He brought his hands to her face, holding her still so he could look into her eyes. He watched them search his face, dropping to his mouth and back to his couldn't believe how simple this was, or how stupid he had been for not seeing it before. "If I have you Jess, that IS my future."
She blinked away tears, her head swaying side to side in disbelief. She replied with a choked whisper. "I'm your plan?"
"You're everything." His entire body ached as he felt her under his fingertips once again. How stupid he had been for letting this drag on as long as it had. How stupid he had been for not fighting for her the second she started doubted them. He knew it was her, it was ALWAYS her. It had been her for so long that he couldn't even imagine a day without her in it.
"You...you really do see me in your future?" Her eyes had never looked brighter.
"It's the only future I could ever see. I was just too stupid to admit it."
Her voice cracked, inhaling sharply. "You don't think I'm crazy? For wanting all of those things? For picturing how it could be?"
He chuckled. "Maybe we're both a little crazy." She froze for a moment and he shook his head. "Crazy for thinking being apart would ever solve anything. But maybe it wouldn't be us if we weren't."
"I don't..." Unable to look away, Jess tried to smile. "I don't need all those things, Nick. I just...started seeing them because of you."
"Jess..."
"I miss you. I miss you so much. Nothing really makes sense anymore."
"I miss you too."
Tired of cautiously holding back her feelings and regret, Jess gave into the moment and he felt all the tension leave her body as she could no longer hold back her smile. "Nick, I'm still in love with you."
"God, I love you, too." There was no hesitation as her words hit his heart with their full force and he felt all the pain of the past few weeks disappear. Wrapping his arms across her back, he pulled her tightly to his chest, burying his face in her hair and inhaling an overwhelming sense of calm into his lungs. His complete and utter relief and jubilation was quickly halted when he heard her sniffle loudly into his chest and pulled back on her shoulders. Seeing tears streaming down her face, he stooped to her eye level, and his heart sank. "What..."
"Nick, I'm so sorry." She gasped in between her tears. "I never wanted to end things."
"Jess, I kn..." His head shook vehemently and he only gripped her tighter.
She continued on, unable to stop, her tears flowing and her body wracked with sobs. "I couldn't stop my brain from telling me that you didn't want me. That you didn't think this was as serious as I did."
"But I do, Jess. I swear..."
"I was hurt and I let my fears take over and it all happened so fast and..."
"It was my fault too, I never should have..."
She shook her head, her face still trying to burrow into his chest. "I just always pictured us together and I..."
He quickly reached down and grabbed her arms, overcome with emotion. It wasn't going to happen again. He wasn't going to let her get lost in her own head and let it destroy their chance to be happy. Pulling her body from his chest, he gasped. "Marry me."
"I wanted to..." Jess stopped mid sentence, her mouth opening and closing, but no more words coming out. She stared at him and he stared back at her with a nervous smile, waiting for her to process what he had said. She breathed heavily and blinked away the tears, trying to steady herself and take in everything that had just happened. Her shoulders relaxed and she tilted her head, her voice soft and face etched in confusion. "What did you say?"
"You heard me." He raised he eyebrows with a smirk, knowing he caught her off guard. Maybe he HAD made plans a long time ago, he just hadn't had a reason to believe they would work out. His chest rose and fell as he took one deep breath and then another. Suddenly, he felt this strength, this COURAGE coursing through his body and he wasn't going to let himself get in his own way. He whispered softly, lifting his hand across her cheek and tucking a curl behind her ear. "What do you want, Jess? From me. I'd do anything for you. Nothing really makes sense if we aren't together."
"Nick, I..." She stared at him. Her eyes blinked furiously as her body seemed ready to collapse.
"I want us to be together. That's MY plan." He paused to catch his breath. "What do YOU want, Jess? Tell me everything, I'm ready to listen."
She started to open her mouth, but stopped herself. Staring at him, their entire life together seemed to flash before her eyes. Moving into the loft, fighting about silly things, pretending that their friendship wasn't becoming more. The way he cared for her, and encouraged her, and every time he had ever said he loved her. It was all there, held tightly in her heart, just waiting for her to finally realize how much she needed him.
It was all so clear now.
"You." With a smile, she lifted her heels and pressed a feather-light kiss on his lips. Looking deep into his eyes, she smiled with a cleansing breath. "I just want you."
Pulling her close, his lips fell to hers and every moment that they had been apart seemed to melt away by the second. His hands, so desperate to touch her, smoothed across her back and around her waist as if he couldn't hold her close enough. He knew what it was like to lose her, and his arms and heart could never bear to be that empty again. One long kiss turned into short ones, as he pressed one after the other to her lips. She sniffled, pulling back and swiping the back of her hand across her cheek with an embarrassed laugh.
Nick tugged at the belt of her robe, laughing softly. "You didn't answer my question."
"Yes." She laughed, sniffling softly and cocking her head coyly to the side. As she scratched her fingers lazily against the back of his neck, she took another deep breath and nodded more seriously this time, firmly pushing away any possible doubt. "Yes, Nick."
Nick's fingers curled against her waist, moving closer and closer until he was inches from her sparkling blue eyes. "I'm ready for whatever you have planned, Day."
Tugging his head toward hers, she winked. "You mean, Miller."