Title: Panic
Disclaimer: Don't own Lip Service or anything related to the show.
Rating: M
A/N: A one shot set at the end of the second episode of series two so general spoilers up to that. Sam/Cat & Sam/Lexy.
Oh god. Oh god, why does this keep happening? I can't breathe. I'm forcing mouthfuls of air, gasping and choking, but it's just not reaching my lungs. My chest aches from the effort and I'm starting to feel light headed. My knees buckle beneath me as I slide to the floor. I tuck them up against my chest and bury my head between my legs. That's supposed to help isn't it? Or is that just for crashes? Well it should still help. I feel like my whole life is one big train crash right now. Cat's dead. The woman I thought I'd spent the rest of my life with is dead and that's not even what hurts the most. I keep thinking of that chunk of wood hidden in her drawer. I try to rationalise it, to tell myself it doesn't mean anything. Cat wasn't that type of person. She wouldn't, no, couldn't, do that to me. Except if it was all perfectly innocent then why did she hide it? Innocent people don't hide things.
Oh god the pains in my chest are getting worse. My head feels like its lighter than air while my limbs feel heavy and sluggish. It's the third time it's happened this week and they're getting worse. I'm starting to worry about getting them all the time. What if it happens at work? While I'm chasing a suspect or testifying in court? I'm this close to getting back to work; I can't risk that just because I can't keep hold of myself.
I've almost got that the shrink fooled that I'm fine. I can't crack up like this in front of him tomorrow. I just can't. I need to be back at work. I need something to distract me other than running. It's all I've done for weeks, my way of coping. Put my trainers on and my headphones in and block out the world for a few hours. It's nice, easy; or it was until I started bumping in to Lexy.
She's nice; too nice. Too cute. Too distracting. When I'm with her I almost forget just how fucked up things have gotten. I almost forget that Cat's dead, that she more than likely cheated on me; no matter what Frankie says. I saw the guilt written all over her face. I've thought about it a lot. Seems to be all I've thought about since I found that stupid lump of wood with their initials carved on to it. I've thought about the extra meetings that started even before we left for Rio, the late finishes and early starts. Maybe it's just my nature, to look for the bad in people, but the more I think about it the more it seems glaringly obvious; and the tighter my chest grows.
I can feel the air going in through my mouth as I gasp but it just doesn't seem to go any further than that. I'm starting to feel sick and the smell of the nearby canal isn't helping. I try to push myself back up on to my feet but the world around me starts spinning and I'm overcome with the need to puke. This isn't easing off. It usually starts getting easier after a while, but I'm just getting worse. I'm starting to panic that it will never end, that I'm always going to feel like I'm drowning on dry land as I gasp for air. Oh god it's never going to end. I'm going to feel like this forever and it's Cat's fault. She's dead and I'm angry at her. Angry for cheating on me, angry for dying, angry for leaving me.
"Sam?" Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse it does. "Shit, Sam are you ok? Can you hear me sweetheart?" I'm aware I'm staring blankly up at her and my lips are moving but I can't force a sound out of them. She drops to her knees and cups my chin, tilts my head up as she shines the light from her mobile in my eyes, checking my pupils for a response. I blink at the harsh light and it seems to reassure her I'm not having some sort of seizure. Her hand leaves my chin and goes to my wrist lying limp at my side. It shakes as she holds it up and grips it firmly to take my pulse.
She's different now. Her expression is so serious and she's so focused on the task at hand, slipping in to the role of doctor with practised ease. A stray strand of hair has fallen loose from her ponytail and settled across her cheek. I want to reach out and tuck it behind her ear, to cup her cheek and pull her in close; to kiss her. This is wrong. Cat's barely cold in the ground and I'm perving over a girl I hardly know.
I'm not blind. I see the way Lexy looks at me sometimes, when she doesn't think I'm looking. The childish way her gaze drops the second she's caught. I like her. I can't deny that, even if I do feel overwhelmingly guilty about it. She's nice. She didn't really know Cat and unlike Tess and Ed and the others she doesn't look at me like I'm broken, doesn't talk to me like I'm about to fall apart; even if I am. She's smart and funny and a part of me wishes I had met her before Cat, before all of this shit with her and Frankie.
Thankfully I don't have the strength to even hold my own arm up and when Lexy places it back down on the ground it stays there instead of reaching out for her. She studies me like I'm a particularly difficult puzzle. Takes in my pale skin, my shaky breathing and the cold sweat I'm drenched in, adds it all together and knows it has nothing to do with running.
"It's ok Sam, just breath for me, ok?" She pulls out her water bottle and places it up to my lips as her free hand finds its way to my back and begins rubbing it in small soothing circles. "I think you're having a panic attack. You just need to take slow deep breaths. You're going to be fine, ok? Just take deep breaths."
She keeps talking and keeps rubbing my back until my breathing slows and eventually becomes normal. I still feel the knot tight in my chest but I think that has more to do with her touching me than anything else. She sits with me and waits until I stop shaking to ask me if this has happened before. I let out a laugh, a short sharp bark that borders on hysterical. There are searing hot tears in my eyes, but I don't want her to see me crying so I hold them back. I manage a nod and then finally find my voice again. "Once or twice. I'm fine, it's no big deal." I try to shrug it off but from the way she looks at me I know I'm not convincing anyone with that line. "It just came on. It keeps happening…I don't know what to do."
"Well my professional advice would be to go and discuss these attacks with your doctor; and my personal advice would be to go get a hot meal and a stiff drink." She smiles at me and the tightness in my chest eases just a little. There's something about her that just makes it so easy to be around her. "There's a pub up the road that does decent food-"
"I can't." I answer a little too quickly and panic flashes across her face.
"No, I didn't mean like as a date or anything…I just meant…I'm sorry-"
"No. No, I'm sorry, my head's all over the place Lexy. I think I just need to get home and crawl in to a nice warm bed." She helps me to my feet and her hand lingers on the small of my back as I try to get my bearings.
The panic attack has passed and other than feeling a little dizzy and a little foolish I'm no worse for wear. "Do you want me to walk you back? You still look a little pale." There's genuine concern etched on her face and it's easy to see why she became a doctor.
"I'm fine." The lie slips off my tongue as easily as it does with anyone else, but unlike the rest of them Lexy doesn't believe it. She does accept it though and doesn't push. She pulls her hand away and I feel a shiver run through me as the cold bites at the bare flesh of my arms.
"Here. You need this more than me." She pulls off her jacket and despite my protests places it over my shoulders. I slip my arms inside it but still feel cold.
"Thanks. I'll get this back to you…how about tomorrow?"
"I'm not sure if I'll be up for jogging tomorrow. Still a bit of a novice at this." She laughs, but I can tell she's still kicking herself for suggesting the pub and I change my mind. Deep breaths Sam.
"Actually I was thinking maybe we could check out that pub? I'll give you a call."
"Yeah." She bites back a grin as she nods. "Text me when you get home, yeah?"
"I will, and thank you, for before…"
"Don't mention it. I love playing doctor. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Yeah. See you tomorrow."