Jade and Uncle have a disagreement, and use the Rat Talisman to help settle it.
Disclaimer: I don't own Jackie Chan Adventures
Dirty Rats
By Diana Moon Glampers
It was a slow day in Uncle's antique shop. Jade was in the back room watching TV to pass the time. It was a silly cartoon, but it was the grand finale of the silly cartoon. Jade watched in anticipation as the heroes searched for the strength to defeat the villain once and for all. "Oh boy! This is gonna be good!" Jade said. Just as the battle was about to begin, the channel abruptly changed to an anchorman. "What the… ?" Jade said. She looked across the room and saw uncle with a remote in his hand.
Jade was furious. "Hey! I was watching that!" She said. Uncle frowned at her. "Aiy-ya! I need to know the weather for tomorrow. If the dew point is too low then I'll have to move my ancient scrolls to the basement." Uncle said. "Yeah, but I was here first." Jade said. She ran over to Uncle to try and snatch the remote away from him, but she was too short. Uncle waved the remote in front of her tauntingly.
Jade had had enough of this foolishness. "That was the big finale! Give it here!" She shouted. She stepped on Uncle's foot. "Oof! You should respect your elders!" He said. He opened his palm and forcefully smacked it into Jade's chest, sending her flying across the room and tumbling onto the couch. She leapt to her feet and assumed a crane style stance. Uncle tightened his muscles in the dragon style stance. They stared each other down.
After a moment of glaring, Uncle broke his stance. Jade was confused at first. "Jade, we're family. We shouldn't be fighting like this. We should settle this in a civilized manner." He said. Jade dropped her crane pose. An evil smile lit up her face. "Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?" She said. And evil smile went across Uncle's face as well. "Of course I am, little one."
Uncle went down to the basement for the Rat Talisman, which he was allowed to keep for the time being. It held the power of bringing inanimate objects to life. Jade went into a storeroom and brought out a large wash basin. "Winner gets the TV." Jade said. "Yes, but one more thing. Loser has to clean the tub." Uncle said. "Bring it." Jade said.
They both pulled down their pants and squatted butt to butt over the basin. They pushed and grunted with all their might. Soon, a small turd came out of Jade. She pulled her pants up and admired the poop. "Yeah, that'll do." She said.
Uncle was taking a little longer to poop into the basin. "Come on, Uncle. I don't have all day here." Jade said. "Aiy-ya, I'm old! Give a minute! And one more thing, I think I need a glass of water too!" Uncle said. Jade brought him over a glass of water. Slowly, Uncle pooped into the basin too. His was larger than Jade's. He pulled up his pants and turned around. Holding the Rat Talisman, he said, "Ready?" "Oh, I was born ready." Jade said.
Holding the Rat Talisman in his hand, Uncle activated the magical energy within it and brought the two poops to life. They angrily snarled at one another like dogs. They wiggled and squirmed with rage. It was like watching a pair of small stinky brown worms fight. "Begin!" Uncle yelled.
Jade's poop was the first to attack. It jumped onto Uncle's poop and tried to push it against the wash basin's wall. "Come on, Poopy! You can do it!" Jade called out. She had already named her living turd "Poopy". Uncle's turd fought back. It squirmed and bucked Jade's turd off of it like a Texas Bronco. Jade's poop flew across the wash basin. Uncle's poop quickly squirmed over and gave Jade's poop a body slam. "Looks like I have the upper hand now." Uncle said, laughing.
Uncle's poop expanded itself a little to try and pin Jade's poop down. Jade's poop was a little bit slippery, so it was able to free itself from under Uncle's poop's pinning attack. It crawled up the side of the wash basin and got on top of Uncle's poop. It pressed down hard, trying to tear the old man turd in half. Jade smiled. Her poop was winning. "You don't really think it would be over that quick, do you?" Uncle said. His poop began turning vertically, sending Jade's smaller turd to the ground. Slowly, Uncle's poop pushed Jade's poop against the wall of the wash basin, applying more and more pressure as it pushed. Soon, Jade's poop was smashed into a stinky goop. Little pieces of it still lived, but could do nothing. Jade stood with her mouth agape. Her turd had just lost the contest.
"Well, looks like, I won. I get the TV." Uncle said, laughing to himself. He activated the Rat Talisman again, and sent the pile of poop back to lifelessness. "Aw man." Jade said, disappointed. "And one more thing, you have to clean this mess up!" Uncle said. Jade sighed. She let out a slightly louder, "Aw man!"
Uncle sat down on the couch while Jade got out a pair of yellow rubber cleaning gloves and a bucket of warm water. "Hey… the news is over. We spent so much time making our turds fight, we missed our shows. Aiy-ya." He said. Jade squirted liquid soap all over the inside of the wash basin. "Yeah, well, it was better than any TV show I've ever seen." She said. "…except for the part where I have to clean up your poop." She added. Uncle let out a light laugh. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Fighting poops is the best… But fighting poops won't tell me what tomorrow's dew point is! When you finish cleaning the bucket, I want you to move all my scrolls downstairs, just to be safe." Uncle said. "Aw man." Jade said exasperated.
The End.