This is my first story, so to explain, this is the Menma-universe not Naruto-universe! If you have any questions, message or review. Also, although my primary pairings are Konan-Pein, Konan-Obito, and Deidara-Itachi, this is a parody; there are other pairings, omakes, and MA rated material! These stories are from either Konan's point of view or Obito's and are not a part of the story! They are stories that are written by the characters. So a story within the story.

WARNING!

Some of the characters are NOT like their Naruto-verse counterparts. Remember the 6th movie? 'Road to Ninja'? I'm not going to add any more spoilers so you'll just have to read it, but like I said, there are changes to their personalities and backstories, etc.

Well, enjoy! Don't forget to review! Thanks for reading!

Also, since I had to remove a major part of the story, as you can see there's a huge break in the middle, the full story will be available on my deviantart. Yes, that's me. SeverNSkull. I'll tell you again, it IS yaoi. there will be yaoi and there will be hentai and ecchi... blah blah blah. You know the drill.

I do not own Naruto or its characters, but if I did, I would make my Obi-chan turn into a good guy and I'd never let Akatsuki die, except Zetsu. He's just fucking creepy. Sorry.

(July 21st: Did an update and corrected a few minor grammatical errors. Also uploading chapter 3 to Deviantart. I'll have sub-chapter 3.5 up soon! By the way, yay! Tobi is a good boy now!)

Konan sat uncomfortably in the living quarters of the hideout as voices raised and chatter surrounded her. Although the Akatsuki wasn't very large, some members really couldn't hold their tongues very well. She wanted nothing more than to go to her room and write. She really didn't want to be stuck watching 'Naruto' again, I might add.

This wasn't the same world as in the show, ironically enough. In this world the Akatsuki were mercenaries for hire rather than cold, deadly serial killers. Every week the group would watch the new episode of 'Naruto' on television. Of course, as always, Deidara and Sasori were debating on their art, if it could be called that.

"Art is a bang, un! Your idea of art is wrong, Danna." The effeminate blond man wailed clutching a fist. The bomber was standing in front of the television in his black shirt and tan shinobi pants, not bothering to wear his toeless boots. A bluish grey man with shark-like teeth and blue pointy hair wretched himself around Deidara to see the screen. He looked very much annoyed by the pair's argument.

Completely ignored Kisame, the shark-man said, "Do you guys mind? I'm trying to-"

"Shut up, brat. Art should be eternal and everlasting." The redhead said in a calm monotone. The puppeteer was sitting shirtless and almost unresponsive with dark grey capris pants.

"Says the idiot that died first, un!" Deidara yelled back, as though he wasn't being heard to begin with.

Sasori's aura darkened. Deidara had succeeded in getting under the puppet master's skin, once again. He smirked victoriously.

Sasori set his razor-tipped tail out to attack the blond bomber whom leapt away, expecting the attack. Instead the razor-tipped tail opted for the television, sending sparks flying and smashing it against the wall with a forcefully loud crunch.

Konan sighed and tried to keep up her mask as she sat on the sofa, fisting the hem of her dress in her hand. No matter what the guys did she always kept face and ignored it but her patience was dwindling down. Almost unfortunately, she wasn't Leader. In fact, once Nagato found out that the television was broken for the third week in a row, they'd be regretful of it. She made a face as she imagined their punishments and smiled deviously.

"Hey, I was watching that." Kisame said bluntly. The bluish shark-man frowned and looked between Sasori and Deidara. Sasori shrugged and didn't seem to care, however Deidara insisted that although the television was now art, he pointed out that he hadn't destroyed it.

A raven-haired man with red eyes looked up from his book in a lazyboy in the farthest corner. He seemed to be the only one in his Akatsuki robe and uniform in the room. Obviously, you know who he is. Only Itachi would wear the uniform on his off-time. "Hn." He said before immersing himself back into his novel.

An orange flashed rushed by and sat down next to Konan. Kicking back and humming happily. "Yay! I get to watch my senpai on the magic box~!" The orange masked man said happily until he noticed the sparking broken machine on the entertainment table. He slid his mask up over his face, exposing his scarred face, revealing a ruby-red Sharingan and a black eye patch over his left eye. "Did they break it again?" he asked no one in particular in a more serious voice. His face and coloring was similar to the resident genjutsu master now reading in the corner.

Konan nodded and Itachi 'hn-ed'.

The other man swore under his breath and scowled for a moment before smiling and replacing his mask before skipping off happily. One word could describe him: strange. That was Tobi, or Obito Uchiha, one of Itachi's distant relatives. Konan had met him many years ago when Yahiko was still alive, right after they formed Akatsuki. It was no secret that the previously unknown Uchiha gave her the creeps.

Well, at least Hidan and Kakuzu weren't here. They had a knack for arguing until everyone around them went completely insane. Even better, if you tried to kill them to shut them up, they were immortal. Honestly the world would be better off without them, and Deidara. (Hopefully he didn't destroy anything else, but that would be too optimistic.)

Pein was to investigate the mess soon and mangle Deidara and Sasori half to death soon so now seemed like as good a time as any for Konan to get back to her writing. She must have taken more after her sensei than she thought, but then again, her jutsu was paper-based.

She gracefully got off the couch and went down the hall towards her room. After swerving through countless corridors, she got to her door, decorated with a few origami flowers and stars. Seeing her handiwork made her smile and she went in more than happy to be left in silence to write her story.

She sighed in a daze, like a hopeless romantic and went about typing her story. Her heart ached as she thought of the best way to make the heroine's reunion to her long-lost lover a deep, romantic pull-in for her readers. She was dying to tell her story she had masterfully written in her dreams.

The shocked girl looked into the dark brown eyes before her. She had a strange feeling like the oxygen in the room had thinned as she realized that there was something familiar about her savior. She brushed the initial shock aside and swallowed her suspicions, bringing back her mask of vanity and her venomous tone, "Does a servant usually speak to his master so casually?"

"No," came the soft, strong masculine voice. "Please forgive me, Konan-sama." The warrior said solemnly. His voice was irritatingly familiar; a phantom echoing from her past but as hard as she tried, she couldn't remember his voice for the life in her.

"I shall forgive your slip of tongue this once," she said darkly, "but in return, remove your mask and show me your face." The young princess ordered. 'Now I have you!' she thought victoriously smirking to herself. Not on the outside, but in her mind. She'd never let one of her father's subordinates see her showing her feelings outright, but she was struggling to keep her composure. Her anticipation was getting the better of her.

She could almost feel the samurai whom towered over her smiling. As creepy as it was she kept the gaze of the masked man. His mask depicted of a man with piercings and his mouth snarling as if he was screaming his war cry.

"As you wish, my liege," the man said with a shallow bow. Slowly he crept his hand up to his face and removing the mask. His dark, deep sensitive pools met the samurai princess's amber eyes and he smiled at her stupefied expression.

Konan clutched her fists by her side and suddenly turned her gaze to the polished floor, suddenly finding it more interesting, even more so when she saw droplets splatter on the wood. She hadn't realized she was crying. Quickly she wiped the tears away and turned up her chin back to the man before her. She couldn't meet his eyes again so she took all the composure and she had left, gathering he pride to her and tried to find the right words. Her mind was blank.

The man reached out to her, taking her chin in his hand and turning her gaze on himself. His smile brightened and he chuckled to himself as he began to speak, "I missed you, Ko-chan."

Konan blushed profusely and muttered to herself, "Yahiko." Her voice was so silent that even she barely heard it.

That face. That face she hadn't seen in so long that she had almost forgotten it. The corners of Yahiko's mouth were upturned in that one smile that looked so bright and cheerful she'd forget all her troubles. His orange hair made him look juvenile compared to his other features; the spiky strands poking out in every direction. All she could do was star in awe at his sunshine-filled smile, only there were some things changed about him. His face was more defined and angular, his eyes weren't as big as they were when they were young, and under his eyes were shadows to match his tired smile. Even though he did his best, his experience as a warrior showed through and Konan was well-practiced in picking these things out.

It was amazing to think that one of her closest childhood friends, the sweet, cheerful Yahiko had climbed the ranks so fast. It had been almost six years and she suddenly felt a pang in her chest with seeing him. What was that? She chose to ignore the feeling.

"How did you get here," she half-mumbled, wanting so badly to throw herself at him and embrace him in a warm hug but instead opting for interrogating him.

"I'm captain of the squad." He answered bluntly.

Konan wanted to facepalm. Duh! She knew that!

"No! How did you get here? I thought you were dead!" Konan said with the tears starting up again.

Yahiko stopped smiling and instead took his thumb and wiped the tears off her cheek. "Don't cry for my sake, Ko-chan. They can't kill me that easily." He smiled weakly as Konan made a gasping sob.

A sound of a door slamming and yelling, swearing voices filled the hall. The room thundered as the shock of the slammed door went through the rest of the structure. A long string of profanity followed. Yup, Hidan and Kakuzu were back. Well shit. It was going to be hard to finish now, but Konan couldn't surrender yet!

"So many times, for such a long time-," Konan started but couldn't finish. She sobbed some more, burying her head into her sleeves.

Yahiko ruffled her hair, messing it up and getting a pissed off retort from Konan. "I'm sorry I didn't come sooner. I got…" he paused, "dragged into something."

Konan sniffled. Her tears ended. She was waiting, waiting for him for a long time. She was touched to see him again, but at the same time she was shocked, angry, and confused. She never thought that the day she had her reunion with Yahiko that it would be so close to her own wedding day and to another man whom completely revolted her. She Hated with a capital 'H', Kabuto. He was just as slimy and cold-hearted as Orochimaru was.

"You damn Jashinist freak! You cost me a heart! I should rip yours out of your chest and replace it," Kakuzu's gruff angry voice raged.

Although we were a mercenary group, some members still tried to kill each other. (*cough cough*: Deidara, Sasori, Hidan, and Kakuzu. *cough cough*) It really wasn't so bad, but sometimes, the fighting got out of hand. Like right now.

Hidan's voice echoed as he laughed. "If you can find it! As if that would fucking kill me anyways, you tentacle bastard!"

Konan rubbed her temples and sighed. She went back to her work, stroking the keyboard with her fingertips, where she would continue until her next disruption.

The princess's anger overpowered her compassion. "Why? If you were alive, why didn't you come back? Why didn't you come back before now when I'm betrothed to… to that thing?"

Yahiko frowned. "I wanted to but-"

"Why Yahiko? You, you, baka!" she said after slapping him across his cheek. How could she forgive this? If he knew she'd be torn apart by his death, why didn't he come back? Instead he wanted to give her an excuse. Thanks to his absence she had changed. She had become a cold, drawn-back person whom had a heart for no one. So to keep her father in the good graces of the neighboring Otogakure, she agreed to marry the lord of that land's son. But now as the love of her life stood before her, the man she had waited on to return, even after the news of his death, she didn't know how she could go on with it. She still had feelings for him.

"I'm sorry Ko-chan," he said.

There was a sound by the door and Yahiko pulled away from her. A short blond figure stepped in with a slightly taller, disinterested redhead by his side. The blond looked between the two and slightly smirked before turning to Yahiko. "The intruders have been captured but we can't make out any identities. Unfortunately, a majority committed seppuku before we could… apprehend them, un."

Yahiko nodded. "Very well," he said his gaze was fixed to the limp bodies of the intruder's companions as they lay in pools of their own blood. "What are the casualties?"

The redhead sighed and answered in a bored manner, "Jiraiya-sama has lost about fourteen men; Kakuzu is stitching up Hidan as we speak; the enemies about eight, plus your three; and we have another one captured which Itachi is interrogating now, Leader-dono."

Yahiko nodded and Konan looked incredulous. She knew they were hired with good reason because neither country trusted the other with the life of their sole heir. Now Konan knew why the Akatsuki was the best.

"Sasori, I want to know the moment, the very moment, that Itachi gets something from the intruder," Yahiko said in a cool monotone unlike the tenderness his voice held before when he spoke to her. Konan's face flushed with heat as she realized how terrifying he sounded in his emotionless tone and how she had just slapped him moments before the pair of samurai burst in.

The redhead nodded and stalked off immediately. Yahiko turned his gaze to the short feminine blond. "Deidara, take Ame-sama a few floors down to the safe room I had in mind before this 'event' occurred."

Konan knew that part was meant for her, seeing as she was the one whom insisted that she stay in her bedroom. Thankfully, Yahiko had correspondingly insisted on staying by her room to keep an eye on her.

This 'Deidara' smirked at her. There was obviously some venomous crude statement on his tongue, just waiting for him to open his mouth and say it. "Well, come on, muffin, un. Leader can always see you later, un," he said in a smug sort of way.

Yahiko's eyes flashed in that strange color for a moment, which swirled a violet color and his aura darkened but he kept his cool, indifferent stance. "One more word Deidara and I'll rip out your tongue and sew your lips shut with it."

The blond went silent and turned for Konan to follow him. She started to go but stopped as she saw Yahiko bend to sit on his haunches and check the bodies. She still had a lot to say to ask him but she held her tongue and swallowed her words. "Yahiko, can we talk tomorrow night?" She asked, unsure of his willingness to even acknowledge her with Deidara in the room, glaring at them, obviously coming to some perverted conclusion. The thought sent heat to Konan's face.

Yahiko nodded in acknowledgement without turning to her. "Yes I'll- KILL YOU HIDAN YOU IDIOT! ALL THREE OF YOU ARE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A PAPERCUT YOU'LL NEVER FORGET YOU MORONS! WE'LL SEE IF JASHIN WILL LET YOU LIVE AFTER THIS!"

Konan looked up in horror at the words she had accidentally written as she heard the screams of three voices locked in battle not far from her door. Another explosion roared out and made the room shake and dust blanket down from the ceiling.

Apparently, someone else found Hidan and Kakuzu's arguing disturbing. Deidara just moments before had gone out into the hall screaming at the pair for disrupting his 'artistic thoughts'. The blond bomber had run out throwing bombs at Hidan and Kakuzu and set them off while screaming at the pair to shut up. Kakuzu had hardened his body to protect himself from the blast and Hidan had taken the blow to the gut and swore, taunting the effeminate male. So now Hidan and Deidara were arguing while clashing and Kakuzu trying to kill the both of them with his long tentacles, but mostly after Hidan since he liked his reaction better and the priest had cost him a heart.

Kakuzu's gruff, enraged voice broke through the chaos the loudest. "Deidara, you impulsive moron! I should rip you apart!"

"I should blow you to hell, un," Deidara's voice broke through. An explosion followed immediately afterwards and then Hidan's laugh. "You ruined my masterpiece, un! Why the hell are you laughing idiot?"

Hidan's laughter ended with a chuckle. "Maybe you should convert you faggot fuck. Your prissy explosions won't hurt me girly bitch!"

Konan's eyes widened as there was a pregnant silence in the hallway. She knew there were three things that the blond hated hearing more than anything else; one, having his 'art' insulted; two, being called a girl; and three, anyone implying that he was into the same gender. Hidan just did all three. Well then, now we were going to see if Hidan is truly immortal… at the cost of everyone else's lives.

There was a dark, deadly aura in the air as Deidara's voice snarled out between his teeth, enunciating each word. "I'm – going – to – kill – you." His voice held a distinctly dark void he used when he was at his uttermost seriousness, like whenever he plotted to kill Itachi. Good times, good times.

Another more sinister voice chimed up through the hallway. "Deidara! Kakuzu! Hidan! Enough." The cold, menacing voice drove the three enraged S-rank monsters back in their place in their own respective silence. Konan immediately knew it was her longtime friend and partner, Pein.

"Deidara, go back to your room. I'll deal with you later." Then brief silence went on for a moment before hurried footsteps departed down the halls and faded away. "Kakuzu, Hidan, why aren't you debriefing and filling out reports," Pein said in icy hostility.

Of course, the silence was too much for the Jashinist to bear. Hidan had to say something. The moron just had to piss Pein off. "This fucker over here 'had' to bitch-"

"SILENCE!"

That outburst shut the priest up and ruffled Kakuzu's feathers or tentacles so to speak. Talking back to Pein was the equivalent of writing your own death warrant, if not a worse fate and oh ho ho, Pein knew pain.

"Debriefing. Now," Pein growled in a low voice. The three chakras disappeared from the hallway. Someone was in for it. Pein never had an outburst like that unless he was really ticked off.

Konan sighed in relief. Who knew what would've happened if she had gone out there. Well that isn't true; she knew. She'd probably have gotten slashed by Hidan or blown apart by Deidara. Who knew what would've happened if Pein hadn't shown up on a whim. Thankfully she could always count on Nagato.

The fight didn't bother her; she was used to it, but she was pissed. The three idiots ruined her masterpiece! Her story was ruined by an idiot priest, an ancient tentacle-thing-guy, and a pyromaniac/bomber. Someone was going to pay, but what would she do against three powerful, legendary shinobi? Hidan was immortal, Kakuzu was also nearly immortal, and Deidara on his own could rival a Kazekage with his stupid art. Stupid boys. Stupid egotistical, fighting boys. A fight against them would be useless. She'd have to think of something else, although with Deidara all you had to do was taunt him to get back at him…

Stop right there!

Konan's lips curled into a sadistic, devilish grin as she thought of a way to get her revenge for her ruined story. She was going to take advantage of her talents and her jutsu. Paper was a powerful instrument, even deadly in her hands. She was going to take the playing field and use it to her advantage. She may not have a kekkai genkai, or a kinjutsu, or immortality, but she had the heart and mind of a writer. She would write misery into the lives of her fellow Akatsuki members. Besides, her fans would eat it up. They loved a good Akatsuki story. Konan was going to make it to the top. She was going to get her revenge for her sadly ruined story and derailed train of thought. Konan was going to be on top; the top of the Akatsuki! She may have been physically the weakest but mentally, she'd give Itachi a run for his money.

Konan laughed demonically to herself. However it sounded more cute and giggly than she had planned, embarrassing herself. Gee, I hope no one heard that…

Now, what to write? Konan knew exactly what to write and grinned to herself in her genius. Hidan had helped with his own demise; haven given her the idea while insulting Deidara. She could see the expression on the silver-haired priest, his visage riddled with shock, and his lavender eyes wide with horror.

'Hah! Fear me! I am the mighty Akatsuki writer!' Konan thought to herself.

She didn't realize she was standing with her fist extended up into the air with a determined look on her face until she feel off her desk chair as it spun around. Her cheeks flushed; she was almost as bad as Haruno Sakura.

She leapt off the floor and sat back in her chair and began to write what would soon become the Akatsuki's worst nightmare.

ATTENTION! THIS SECTION HAS BEEN DELETED FOR YOUR PROTECTION. FIND THE FULL VERSION ON DEVIANTART. THE LINK IS IN MY PROFILE.

~SeverNSkull

Konan sat back and smiled at her work. Yup. That sounded a lot like the Hidan and Kakuzu she knew, only she downplayed the attempted murder part by about 400%. She sweatdropped. It would be fine. It was pretty hot and different and they had a brief Kakashi appearance. She smiled and was about to pressed the upload button when a familiar voice came from her left.

"Hmm… Konan-senpai's a bad girl to write that," the voice said.

Great. Just who Konan wanted to have read her story… NOT! This was bad. Obito may act like an idiot half of the time, but the other half of the time he was a sneaky, vindictive asshole who followed Deidara and her around like a lovesick puppy-dog.

"Tobi, why are you in my room," Konan asked, trying to stay calm.

"The question is, why are you writing hardcore porn about Hidan and Kakuzu, in said room," Obito said darkly and then perked up. "We should totally show Kaku-senpai!"

"Hell no," Konan said, leaping up and grabbing the front of Obito's black sweater. "Listen Obito, those idiots screwed up so I'm getting back at them! They ruined my story!" She sniffled and let go, rubbing her eyes.

Obito sighed and brushed off his sweater. "Yeah. Yeah, enough tears. I get it. They had it coming anyways."

Konan sat back in her chair and proofread her work.

Obito manifested a chair from somewhere and sat backwards in it, watching the screen. "You missed that one," he said, pointing out a misspelled 'dagger'.

Konan scanned it and replaced it with the correct spelling. "Oh thanks," she mumbled.

"So… what are you going to do after this? Turn the rest of Akatsuki into an online orgy-laughing stock," Obito asked, raising an eyebrow.

Konan nearly choked on air. It took a moment to catch her breath before she remarked, "That's a subtle way to put it."

Obito shrugged. Either way, you had to admit, Menma-verse Obito was a hell of a lot more fun than Naruto-verse Obito. A hell of a lot more fun than Nagato hands down too!

"Actually, I just wanted to get back at Hidan, Kakuzu, and Deidara the only way I knew how," Konan said blushing fervently.

Obito snorted. "You spent too much time around Jiraya-sensei." Of course, he knew Jiraya too. He was from Konoha and Jiraya was his sensei's sensei. "I don't see anything about Deidara-senpai in here though…" he trailed off.

"Well, I'll type it when I think of it," Konan replied, editing the grammar of a rather peculiar sentence. "Besides, why do you call him 'senpai'? You were here before him and you're almost twice his age."

Obito seemed lost in thought. "I'm not really sure, but I'll tell ya when I think of it."

"Smartass Uchiha," Konan muttered. "You won't tell anyone about this, will you," Konan asked softly.

Obito shook his head and chuckled. "No. It's much too interesting. Hell, I might even help you. You know I'm always following Deidara-senpai. Maybe I can get you some inspiration."

"Why even," Konan cried out incredulously. "I thought you were straight!"

Obito blushed. "I thought I was too… until the hot spring incident when I found out Deidara was a guy."

Konan snorted and covered her face with her hands trying to hold in the laughter. Who could forget that? Practically everyone was there, except Kakuzu whom stayed back to quadruple count their earnings, but the other eight members remembered.

"I'll see you later, Konan-senpai! Good luck on your stories," he teased.

Konan turned back to her laptop and pressed the 'UPLOAD' button. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, shut up and don't come in uninvited anymore!"

He shut the door and Konan smiled to herself. Konan on top indeed. She even had Tobi on her side.