Zoe sighed as she felt the eyes of her classmates on her as she entered her Mathematics classroom. Even months after Connor had passed, she still received thousands of stares whenever she entered a room. She looked around the room and saw her friend, Emily, waving wildly at her. Zoe's lips quirked up as she saw Emily squirming in her seat, bursting with excitement.
"Hey Zoe! Have you seen the new video Evan uploaded for the Connor Project! He only uploaded it yesterday and it already has a million views!" Emily squealed the moment Zoe sat down next to her.
"No, I haven't. What's it about?" Zoe asked. As Emily began to rant about it, Zoe got lost in her own thoughts. She hadn't talked to Evan in months and it had been hard. He had been a pillar of strength and support during everything that had happened. She missed him, but every time she saw him, all she could think about was how he had lied to her. She had let him into her heart and he hurt her. Her thoughts were interrupted by Mrs Futterman's bellowing voice yelling at everyone to quieten down. Blinking away the tears in her eyes, she pushed all thoughts about Evan away and focused on the lesson.
After the lesson, Zoe took out her phone and searched up the Connor Project facebook page. When she saw Evan's face in the video, her breath caught for a moment. He looked so much happier and more confident than when she had last seen him. Her finger hovered over the play button as she composed herself. Then, she pressed the button. She smiled as Evan's goofy smile morphed into a nervous grin
"Hi guys, uhhh...so yeah hey. So recently, I've been receiving a lot of calls and messages from you guys about how you have been facing problems dealing with the guilt because hurt someone and you just can't seem to forgive yourself... Well I want to tell you that you need to stop blaming yourself. We all make mistakes some time in our lives and sometimes the effect of these mistakes might cause us to hurt someone else, especially someone we care about. But you must all remember that you can't expect yourself to be perfect. No one can be.
A while ago, I hurt someone I truly cared about. She meant so much to me but I hurt her. Even though I did it for the right intentions, I still lied to her. I had deceived her. I did something that affected our relationship and although she accepted me and she had forgiven me, I doubt we'll ever go back to the way we used to be. When this incident first happened, I hated myself for it. I spent numerous sleepless nights thinking about what I should have done differently and what might have happened if I had not done what I did. However, I realised that if I had not done so, many things may not have happened, many good things that I cannot regret. I admit that I could have handled the situation better, but I realised that wallowing in guilt and dwelling on the 'what-ifs' was not going to make any difference. Instead, I am now focusing on seeing the bright side of what had happened, striving to make the situation better and hoping that one day I would be able to reach out to this girl again without the guilt of what I did weighing on my mind.
Therefore, I want all of you who are still holding onto the guilt of something you did to let go of the guilt. Liberate yourself from the weight of guilt. Look to the optimistic side of things. And if you can't seem to find any bright side to this situation, then pick yourself up and walk towards that light, work towards it. Learn to make the best of the situation and not strive to improve it. No one is perfect. You will make mistakes. But remember let the weight of the guilt fall away so that you can pick yourself up and continue walking. Remember you are not alone, there will always be people willing to help you stand back up on your feet and walk with along the way."
Zoe sat in stunned silence when the video ended. The words from the video kept repeating itself in her head. She wiped the stray tears from her cheeks.
The video had touched her in a very personal way. When Connor first died, she kept blaming her family and herself for what had happened. How could they not have seen the signs? What if they had just paid a little more attention to Connor? Those questions had weighed heavily on her mind and they churned in her mind relentlessly. But over time, the guilt began to lift with time. Evan and the Connor Project had helped to lessen the guilt. It had also helped her to make the decision to pursue an education in counselling. That way, she would be able to honour Connor's memory by helping those like him, help bring them away from the ledge.
But what had surprised her the most was the fact that Evan had mentioned her in the video. She never realised that the guilt of lying to her had weighed so heavily on him. As she had watched the video again, she stared at his face intently. His eyes said everything. When he talked about her, she could see the guilt in his eyes. But behind the guilt, she could see the adoration he had for her. Her heart soared at the fact that even though she had avoided him for the past six months, he still cared for her.
The sound of the school bell interrupted her musings. She picked up her school bag and walked out of the classroom. She glanced around at the students rushing toward their respective classrooms, scanning the crowd for any of her friends. Then her eyes landed on Evan, who was walking in her direction with Alana and Jared. She immediately turned in the opposite direction, preparing to walk away from him. However, when she glanced back at his disappointed expression, her heart wrenched. After a moment of hesitation, she made a decision.
Zoe turned around and walked toward Evan. She stopped right in front of him, taking in his shocked expression. She turned towards Alana and Jared and gave them a small smile before facing back to him. Zoe took a step forward, looking Evan straight in the eye. Evan's shocked face morphed into an anxious smile. Zoe threw her arms around Evan, pulling him tightly to herself. Her eyes flooded with tears as she felt the tension she had been feeling drained out of her bones. She felt Evan's body sag with relief and he tentatively wrapped his arms around his waist. Memories of the numerous times Evan had hugged her when they were together flooded her mind and she wondered how she had ever been able to give it up. Pulling back, Zoe looked up at Evan. He seemed to have grown taller during those six months and she now had to lean slightly backwards to see his face.
"I'm so sorry for ignoring you." Zoe nibbled on her lower lip nervously. "Could you meet me at my locker after school. We really need to talk."
"There...there's no need to apologise, I...I understand. And of...of course I'll see you af...after school." Evan stuttered, scratching the back of his neck nervously. Zoe nodded, before giving him another quick hug. Quickly walking away from him, Zoe hurried towards her class.
Maybe after this, they would be able to put everything behind them and they would no longer have any secrets between them; they could have a second chance at their relationship.