"So lower level schemas are the ones that organise all the sensory information like sight, sound, touch… you see?" he paused briefly as if to assess if we were fully engaged with the subject. We weren't. I don't think anyone was really 'here' for a 10 am lecture about memory and schemas. Our bodies may have been there, but our minds certainly weren't. "Okay…well then, higher level schemas are the ones that identify these lower schemas as fitting their low-level slots" good old Andy Robinson droned on.
He tried his best, but his soft Scottish accent always made me want to drift off. He'd have more hope as an ASMRist on YouTube than as a university lecturer in my opinion. I often gave up trying to concentrate; which was what had happened in that moment too. As I looked around I saw others not paying attention either. People were on Facebook. People were texting. A couple people in front of me were attempting to forge their friend's signature for the register: with varying degrees of success with each try. And I swear I could see someone drawing Freud attached to a burning pyre. It was pretty good .
Sighing, my hands drifted towards my notebook and flipped it to a blank page. Not to write notes mind you, that would be silly, who writes notes during a lecture? Most of my notes consisted of doodles or little sentences like 'Hello my name is Leah and I'm very bored'. I grabbed the edge of the page and gave it a little tug. *KKKRRT*. several people turned around at the sound and my face started to burn. Shit I didn't think it would be that loud. I ducked my head to avoid peoples stares and pulled more slowly this time. *kkkkrrt*. Most people turned back around, and my page finally came free. Nice, now it's time to origami this bitch. I folded with the mastery of someone who does this far too often in her lectures. After about 20 minutes I had a wonderful little zoo on the go. Look at my boi's. I picked up one of the frogs I'd made, he was particularly stumpy. You're my favourite you shall be called Mortimer.
Soon I even lost interest in the origami and by the end of the lecture I had resorted to messing with my hair. Multiple braids lined my long blonde hair. Dutch braid, French braid, fishtail, whatever I could think of to keep my hands busy. I must have looked a bit odd, but it got me through the last 10 minutes without crying.
"Right, I think we'll leave it there," Andy mused "we'll pick up the exciting topic of schemas next week."
Several people had already packed up and left by time he'd said the last word. Quickly, I ran my fingers through my hair to remove the work I'd done there. Now I looked like a fully functioning student rather than a gremlin. Slowly, I made my way out of the lecture hall. People were moving at a snail pace or stopping to chat to friends. I managed to keep all my comments to myself about people's slowness and finally escaped. The entry hall outside was filling up quickly so I made my way outside. The fresh air was crisp and cool, a stark contrast to stuffy lecture theatre. I breathed in deeply. Feeling invigorated. Fresh air and being in nature always made me feel better.
"Leah! Over here!" A voice shouted from behind me.
I turned to look and saw a young woman vigorously waving at me to get my attention. Her braids were piled neatly in a bun on her head and she was wearing a bewildering amount of yellow. The yellow did pair perfectly with her dark skin though. "It's me bitch get over here."
Anika. who else would it be? We'd been best friends since the start of highschool. We were both tiny year 7's trying to navigate our new school and we'd clung to each other to make sure we didn't get lost. Both of us were in the same classes and we'd bonded over a shared trauma of sorts. Our families had both been involved in car accidents when we were very young. Not the same one mind you, that would have been a very strange coincidence. No, Anika and her brother Isaiah were 3 and 5 when their parents car had skidded off the road. It had snowed really badly and the roads had frozen over before any gritters could get there. Anika's dad had braked too hard and lost control of the car. The car had then crashed into a tree. Both her mum and dad had died in that accident. Anika and Isaiah had been staying with the neighbours while their parents were out. With no other family to take them in they'd ended up in the foster system. Luckily they had managed to stay together and now lived with a massive family. 8 children altogether. Only two of them were biological kids the rest were either adopted or fostered.
My car accident was different as I was actually in the car when it happened. Other than a few scars from the accident I'd survived. My dad and brother however. They did not. I try not to think about it usually. It was nice that I'd found someone who understood what it felt like.
A grin formed on my lips and I shook my head at Anika's antics "I'm coming, i'm coming chill out" I said as I meandered through the crowd towards her
"Well i've been waiting forever, I needed you to hurry up" Anika mused, she threw her arm around my shoulder and guided me away from the psychology building.
Anika was over half a foot taller than me and had a penchant for high heeled boots. This resulted in her towering over me, which amused her to no end. Then again it wasn't hard to be taller than me. I was only 5 ft 2. Considering my dad had supposedly been well over 6 ft and mum was not far off 6 ft herself you would think I'd be taller. Well I guess being in a car accident at 6 years old must have stunted my growth.
"Where are you taking me dude" I said as Anika continued to guide me past a copse of trees.
"Well considering your ditching me to go camping tomorrow" she gave me a pointed look and I raised my own eyebrows in response .
"Ditching is such a harsh word" I said with a laugh
"Well considering you're leaving all this" she gestured with her free hand up and down her body "to go frolic in a tree, I think it's justified"
It's true, I had originally planned to stay at Anika's accommodation at the weekend but my Mum came from out of the blue saying she wanted us to go camping. It wasn't too strange as we tended to camp quite a bit. It was the abruptness of it that was a bit weird. When I'd asked her she just said that it felt like a good time to go. I just shrugged and went along with it. I knew Anika wasn't really mad she just likes to be dramatic.
"I think we should go get some food or a coffee or something" She looked at me out of the side of her eye and a sly grin spread across her face "you can pay of course, as a tribute to the emotional trauma you have brought upon me" She placed the back of her hand against her forehead like a damsel in distress.
"Oh no such heartache I have caused thee" I brought my own hand up to my heart and bowed my head in mock sorrow.
We both descended into giggles and stopped in the middle of the path. People continued to walk around us on the way to the bus stop. No one really gave us a second glance, then again it was uni and most people didn't really care too much about what goes on around them. I once saw a guy in a full 3 piece suit, a top hat and goggles and everyone just ignored him and carried on with their day.
"I'm kidding I'll pay for myself, i'm a big girl now" Anika said
oOo
We carried on down the path until we reached the bus stop at the end. The bus was cramped and sweaty but we eventually made it into town. Anika decided on a coffee in the end. We ended up in one of the less crowded coffee shops and sat near the window. She had a mocha cocoa caramel frappe whip thing that looked like diabetes in a cup and I had a chai tea. Granted hers did taste a lot nicer than mine. I found it funny how we'd gone out for a coffee but none of the drinks we had could really be constituted as a coffee at all. Anika did in fact pay for her own drink and we spent the rest of the time talking about random stuff.
"I guess I'll just have to watch the hobbit trilogy all on my lonesome then" Anika said around a sip of her 'coffee'
We had originally planned on a hobbit marathon over the weekend. Both of us loved the stories of middle earth. The hobbit in particular always held a special place in my heart. I even had the lonely mountain tattooed on my leg with the quote "So comes snow after fire and even dragons have their end". Anika preferred lord of the rings but we'd recently rewatched those so Anika had suggested the hobbit this time. My mum is the reason i'm such a big fan though. She'd loved Tolkien's works way before I did and had read near enough everything; the big nerd. I'd read the hobbit and the lord of the rings but I hadn't managed the others. It didn't really matter though because my mum would tell me random facts about the rest anyway.
"Arr" I groaned "I was looking forward to that, I've still only seen the last one once"
"I know I was there watching you crying in the cinema" Anika replied
I gave her leg a gentle kick under the table. "That's slander, I've never once showed a single emotion, I'm the pinnacle of emotionless" I said overdramatically
"Oh fuck off" Anika laughed " You once cried at an advert about cheese"
"The music got to me okay" I said, pretending to wipe away a tear.
"Anyway as I recall we were both crying" I paused for a beat, and took a sip of chai "As well as my Mum actually, it was a very emotional event"
My mum had been with us to watch all the hobbit movies and had peppered us with trivia both before and after the film. She loved doing that. I did too though and often joined in, with Anika taking the brunt of it. Mum also liked correcting arseholes on the internet who were overconfident and spouting bullshit.
"Okay, okay we were all emotional" she succeeded "I remember Ellen getting upset over all the elves"
Ellen was my mum's first name.
"Yeah, she's a big fan of the elves" I replied. Also if i'm being honest I think she identified a lot with Thranduil's plight. With the whole lost a spouse and raised a child on their own thing.
"Probably because she looks a bit like one, kindred spirits and all that" Anika took a sip of her drink "It's funny how she ended up with a kid that's more like a hobbit"
I gave her a scathing look at that and she started laughing. She reached over and patted my head "oh don't worry shorty I'm sure you'll still grow"
Slapping her hand away I replied " Not freaking likely, I'm 20 now, my growing years are behind me" I would forever remain short and struggle to reach higher shelves.
We both returned to our drinks and were silent for a few beats. Anika sighed and reached under the table for her bag. It was a light brown messenger bag. The straps had frayed and ripped and she'd had to tie it together in a few places.
"Anyway, considering my bag is literally on its last legs I think I should buy a new one" she lifted it up to reveal a hole that had formed in the bottom "I can go look for one tomorrow"
"Will it be yellow by any chance?" I asked
"Are bears catholic?" she quipped back
"Does the Pope shit in the woods?" I returned in kind
Ah malephors. I loved using them, I found them funny. It's where you mash together two metaphors and it can completely change the meaning of them. Another one I liked is 'we'll burn that bridge when we get to it'. It just perfectly exudes the feeling of knowing you're gonna fuck something up but you're not sure how it will play out yet.
The table vibrated beneath my elbow. Reaching over, I checked my phone to see if was me. "It's mine" Anika said, already scrolling through her messages
Her eyes darted quickly across her screen and her smile got wider "Holy shit" she exclaimed
"what is it?" I asked
"This is gonna be amazing" She said, her glee visible on her face. She seemed to be messaging other people as quickly as she could.
I lifted my eyebrows hoping that she'd clarify, only for her to remain too engrossed in her phone. Sighing, I reached over and shook her arm "Bitch don't leave me hanging"
"Sorry sorry I was just messaging Kyo and David" Kyo and David were two of her adopted siblings. She pressed something on her phone and brought up an image. Passing the phone across the table she showed me the picture. There was two people in the picture. First was a man with dark skin and a round face; he had glasses and a full beard. Isaiah, her brother. Next to him was a skinny man with shoulder length ginger hair and a pointed face.
"Who's the ginge?" I asked
Anika reached over and took her phone back. "Do you remember how I said Isaiah was seeing someone, but he wanted to be all hush hush about it?" she explained. I nodded in acknowledgment. "Well apparently this is him, and his name is Sean. The best part is that he wants to introduce Sean to the family on sunday"
"Oh my god, you're all gonna scare the poor guy away" I laughed, Anika's family was mental and it could be very overwhelming if you weren't prepared for it.
"It's gonna be amazing, i'm gonna make sure that everyone of us is there when he comes round" Anika said, joining in with my laughter.
"That's one way to welcome someone into the family"
oOo
We stayed at the coffee shop for another hour before we parted ways and I headed home. I didn't live around uni, I decided to stay home and commute . I couldn't bring myself to leave home or mum, we were all each other had with no extended family to speak of. It took an hour on the bus but i'd finally made it back to my house. It sat on the corner of the street and it backed onto a little wooded area. It was quite a sizeable house considering only the two of us lived there. That was because my dad, Theodore, had owned his own business before he died. That meant that we at least weren't struggling financially as much as we were struggling emotionally.
I reached the front of my house and saw my Mum's car in the drive. She must have gotten off work early. I Pushed my way through the front door and shrugged off my backpack. The stairs were directly in front of me and the living room sprawled out to my right. As I put my bag next to the coat rack I saw my mum in the middle of the living room. Music played in the background. She was surrounded by camping gear. It seemed to clutter every surface. There was a tent on the settee that ran parallel to the stairs. Sleeping bags, camping stove, pots and pans lined the other settee that was perpendicular to the stairs. Other assorted gear littered the coffee table. And there was my mother, checklist in hand, sorting through it all. Mum was always good at organising things. I guess it helped with her job as an event planner. You can't really plan events if you're shit at organising can you? No organising genes seem to have rubbed off on me though.
Mum looked up briefly from the camping gear and greeted me "Hello darling, I was just getting everything in order"
She had long, blonde hair that fell down the length of her back. Most of it was left down except for the one braid down the middle. She had a heart shaped face and her eyes were a storm grey. My eyes didn't take after mum's, I had blue eyes like my dad. I got her hair though, a more golden hue than my dad's was.
"Is that everything were taking" I asked
She took a moment to reply, she was mouthing different items her free hand pointing to each one so she knew for sure it was there. "Er yes, pretty much" she looked around double checking "Our hiking boots are by the back door though, but we'll put them on tomorrow anyway"
She looked down at her list before seeming to remember something. Lifting her head up, she looked in my eyes and pointed a finger at me to hammer in the point "Oh and you need to pack your bag as well, I'm not going to do it this time"
"I was going to anyway" I said, a little affronted "Anyway the only reason I asked you last time was because the way I'd packed it nothing seemed to fit in right"
I walked through the living room, past all of the camping gear. My foot caught on a stray tent pole and it nearly sent me sprawling. A small laugh escaped my mum along with a quick "Careful". Correcting my balance, I carried on my way towards the kitchen. I shouldered my way through the kitchen door and walked towards the kettle intent on making tea. To the left of me, the toaster started popping and making noises on its own. It had been on the fritz for a good month now but it still managed to make toast so we hadn't replaced it. Still, it can scare you half to death when you come down in the middle of the night and it starts freaking out.
I made two cups of tea knowing Mum would want one but was too busy to make one herself. Mum had now started placing things into bags and I put the tea down on the available space on the table.
"Oh thank you darling" mum said. Darling was her favourite pet name to use. I didn't mind though, it was kinda charming.
She then picked up the cup and perched on the arm of the settee, abandoning her packing for now. She gently blew the tea before taking a sip. A small sigh escaped her lips. Her dress was a deep blue with a gold leaf pattern. Mum was quite stylish actually and I'd borrowed her clothes many times.
"So, you still haven't explained the sudden urge to go camping" I said while finding a patch of floor to sit down on. I crossed my legs and placed my cup onto my lap, it's heat permeating my tights.
Mum looked slightly bemused by me sitting on the floor but eventually said "Am I not allowed to be spontaneous?"
I raised my eyebrows at her. She was never really spontaneous, more at home with careful planning.
"Oh shush" she said, looking away from my gaze "To be honest I'm not really sure why I wanted to go camping, It just felt right"
I nodded, It seemed quite odd for my mum to say but I sort of understood. I felt really good about this trip, like it was going to be a good one. A moment passed where we drank our tea and occasionally sang along to the music. Well I sang, mum just hummed.
I couldn't utter my love when it counted
But I'm singing like a bird about it now
And I couldn't whisper when you needed it shouted Words hung above, but never would form Remember me, love when I'm reborn
But I'm singing like a bird about it now
Like a cry at the final breath that is drawn
As a shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn
My mum looked content while I sang, she always liked listening to me sing. Well maybe not always. I have been told off for singing too loudly in the shower many a time.
"What are we having for Dinner ?" I asked.
"Well I haven't gone shopping yet so we're just going to have to scavenge something from the cupboards" She placed her mug down on the table and got up from the arm of the chair. Tea break over, she was back to packing again.
"I'll sort food out while you deal with all of this" I gestured to the mess around us.
We ended up just having some pasta and tomato sauce. After eating I went upstairs to pack my bag. I managed to get everything in it this time without needed the aid of my mother. While looking through my wardrobe I'd managed to find my wind up torch. It was quite a cool little gadget that used kinetic power instead of batteries to run. Fun and useful. With my bag all packed I placed it downstairs and got ready for bed
oOo
I was lost.
It was so dark, so so dark.
I was flat on my back, the cold, wet ground seeping all warmth away.
There was blood.
It was everywhere
It was mine .
It hurt so much, make it go away, make it go away
I struggled to breathe but I had to shout, to find mummy and daddy
They could make it all go away
"DADDY" I shouted until my voice was hoarse
Suddenly a dark shadow loomed above me
All teeth and claws and shadow
It seemed to smile, then without warning it leapt towards me.
I woke up with a gasp, a sheen of cold sweat glistened on my skin. That stupid dream. It had been so long since it reared its ugly head. I'd thought it was gone forever. Then again recovery was never a straight line, there was always times where you slipped back. I took several deep breaths and tried to centre myself. After being in that car accident, my mum and I both experienced PTSD. We saw therapists to help us deal with the trauma. It took us a while before I could get into a car without panicking. It had taken Mum even longer before she could drive again. There are still little moments right before she gets in the car where she has to take a few deep breaths.
I remember telling my therapist about the dream. It had remained mostly the same over the years. There would occasionally be some differences. Like sometimes I saw my family lying beside me. The monster always got them though. My therapist had said that it might have come from me associating the man who crashed into us as a monster. He was a monster. At least to me. He was five times over the limit, driving a stolen car, when he had crashed into the side of us. Mum had been driving and Dad was in the passenger seat. I was sat behind mum and Lachlan, my twin brother, had been in the seat next to me. It was his side that was crashed into . Mum and I had managed to survive but barely.
Me and Lachlan had been inseparable; we were twins, we did everything together. Obviously we weren't identical with us being a boy and a girl. However we were still very much alike. We'd often get mistaken for each other. Both of us shared our dads blue eyes but Lachlan had ended up with my dad's platinum blond hair colour. He had been older than me by 11 minutes. Mum told me that he always made sure I knew he was older. Then he was gone and I was now the older one. And I always would be.
A few tears had sprung up in my eyes. Reaching up, I wiped them away with my duvet cover. Okay deep breaths Leah. In and Out. In and Out. Once my heart rate had calmed down and the tears had faded I made to get up. Not the best way to start the day. Determined not to be a bummer, when my mum had been so excited about this trip, I tried to slap myself out of it. I took a shower to clear my thoughts and wash away the last remnants of the dream. Music played in the background as I got ready and Mum peered around the door to ask if I was ready.
We were packed and ready to go within the hour. Mum had paused briefly at the car door, she closed her eyes and breathed deeply before steeling herself and getting in. There was quite a way to travel as mum had chosen a different trail than we usually went . This one being in a place we hadn't been before. All part of mums sudden spontaneity I guess. That meant we had plenty of time for some music.
That original lifeline,
Original lifeline.
Hey, look up!
You don't have to be a ghost,
Here amongst the living.
You are flesh and blood!
And you deserve to be loved and you deserve what you are given.
And oh, how much!
'Cause there's a hole where your heart lies
And I can see it with my third eye.
And oh my touch, it magnifies
You pull away, you don't know why
Being able to sing at full volume and not have to worry about annoying the neighbours always felt liberating.
We managed to make it to the trail within a few hours. The sprawling hills stretched on for miles. Trees climbed far above us, speckled sunlight bloomed atop the canopy. The leaves blew gently in the breeze, throwing sunrays across the ground. It felt like a postcard with how picturesque the view was. It was also a pretty remote location, our car was the only one parked there. Maybe mum had found a less popular trail.
Mum decided that we weren't going to camp near the car and suggested that we hike for a while. This was all well and good except we had a lot of gear with us, namely the tent. Nevertheless she soldiered on. We took turns carrying the tent and helped each other to maneuver it over some steeper climbs. At one point we gave in and each took a handle, sharing the load between us. The air felt crisp and the sun was warm on my skin. Being outside is good for the soul.
As we trekked through the forest we'd occasionally stop and create something recognisable; these included piles of rocks or marks on the trees. This was because this wasn't a well worn trail and we needed to find our way back. We'd walked for over an hour before mum seemed to make a decision. I'd suggested a nice spot about a mile back, it had nice flat ground and decent cover but mum said she felt there was a better one somewhere else. She also said she liked the walk. We walked on, climbing over a few tree roots, before we came across a small clearing. It wasn't overly big and it was covered in wildflowers. A small river ran near it so the sound of running water filled the little meadow. It had a real twilight vibe about it.
"Here" Mum breathed in deeply "Here is perfect"
It took us a little while and a bit of swearing but the tent finally went up. I'd gotten whipped in the face at one point and mum had just laughed at me. Jokes on her though because she tripped over one the poles about 10 minutes later. Tent up, we decided to cook up some dinner. Finding the pots and camping stove we set about making some soup from the food we'd bought. Mum had brought some travel games, like draughts and playing cards, and we played those until it started going dark. I'd changed into some pajamas as it got darker. It was around 8pm and mum was besting me at 13 rummy.
"How do you keep getting such good cards" I said, shuffling through my own cards. None of them seemed to make very impressive combinations "You've got to be cheating"
Mum laughed "You were the dealer this time, how could I have cheated?"
She reached over and flipped over her cards. Three of a kind, Aca on a bike and she even had a back hand. I looked down at my own cards, I had two flushes and I couldn't even make a third hand. So not fair. Mum marked her victories down on the piece of paper next to her. Her name had more ticks than mine did.
I reached over to reshuffle all the cards when I froze. A strange feeling had descended on me. My hair stood on end and the air itself seemed to crackle like electricity. I looked over at mum and confirmed that she was feeling the same thing. Opening my mouth to ask what was happening I heard it. A humming. Like a song, a song you couldn't hear the words to but understood. I turned my head towards the sound, nothing through the trees seemed to be untoward. However, I felt a strange tugging sensation. Telling me to follow the song. Come. Follow. Find us.
"We'll go together" Mum said, shaking me from my stupor.
She must have felt it too then if she wanted to follow it. Mum found my wind up torch and lit the way in front of us. I got my phone and put it onto torch mode. Also, I wanted my phone in case i needed to call someone. No aliens are abducting me without a fight. We walked through the throng of trees, in a direction we hadn't come from this morning. Moving through uncharted woods set me on edge. My heartbeat ringing in my ears. The closer we seemed to get, the louder the song was. At one point I reached out and gripped onto my mum's hand. She gave me a gentle squeeze in comfort and we carried on, her hand still in mine. It carried on like this until we reached an opening in the trees. When we stepped through the trees the song reached a fever pitch, a cacophony of sound emanating from the middle of the clearing. They got louder and louder until they broke of all at once in a mighty crash. Light exploded from the centre of the clearing and expanded outward. It's edges looked like shards of broken glass floating in the air. Like reality itself had shattered. Quickly I opened my phone and tried to film it. If we were about to be abducted by aliens or something crazy like that then I wanted some footage of what was happening. The centre glowed so bright it hurt to look at. However it briefly seemed to dim as a humanoid shape filled gap. It felt like the whole world was holding its breath and then suddenly, what appeared to be a very injured man, fell out of the light.
Followed by an guttural growl, as something clawed and angry leapt out of the portal straight at us.
This is my first attempt at writing a fan-fiction, I hope it's to everyone's standards. I've been wanting to write one for years but was too scared to, just in case it came out bad. I decided to throw caution to the wind and just write.
I got a bit emotional writing about my characters twin. I'm a twin myself and if that hoe died i'd kill her.
Songs:
Shrike- Hozier
Third Eye- Florence and the Machine