CHAPTER ONE: A HEART OF STONE
It all started with a voice. A simple, sweet voice. Did it belong to the angels? The devils? The flying pigs with an affinity for flutes and a passion for smooth jazz? I know not. All I know is I woke up that day.
After millennia of being molded into shape, my form slowly being crafted by the wind and rain, by landslides and earthquakes… I arrived at this place. The trees started to rise above me, die, rise again. The land changed, becoming wetter, soggier. The denizens that lived here arrived and left, their mortal lives too short... the forest growing into wilderness and men conquer and fall. Then he arrived. The one that was green of skin, with a large, fat body. Not a man. He drove them from this place. His smells, sounds, and questionable actions (not to mention his absurd attitude) drove everyone from this place.
All these years I had been a spectator, never noticed, never treated as something real.
Until that day. That fateful day.
The Ogre, a horrid creature, had gone for a stroll in the forest. I was enjoying the green beast's absence as best I could. He seems to be on a regular schedule (which was quite boring since I had to watch him ever day). Time passes strangely when you are one such as I.
All afternoon I watched him rise, go to the outhouse, and bathe in the swamp. I feel bad for those fish. Still, I am not noticed. I was so glad he was gone. I could never understand him, wanting others to scream in terror and run away. As someone who had spent their whole life alone, I would never comprehend his way of thinking. All I wanted in my whole existence was to be loved.
I guess that's kind of hard when you have a heart of stone.
It was not long after he left that I heard the Voice. That wondrous singing. The smoothness, the sheer maleness, the attractive power of it called to me. It woke something within me. Then almost fell asleep again as I heard the tiresome roar of the ogre, Shrek. That one was particularly annoying. But no, I had to stay awake, just to hear it once more.
The two voices: one heavenly and one hellish with a terrible accent, started getting closer. I could almost make out what they were saying. Gradually, the booming thud thud thud of Shrek's footsteps get closer… and something else. Something lighter. Something with increased number. Something musical. A delightful clip clop started to resound on the ground. I could swear the day brightened, the birds started singing again (for they had fallen silent at the large green monstrosity that ventured through the trees), and the grass grew an inch or two. The land was becoming alive at the touch of whomever this celestial being may be.
Suddenly, the two reach the crest of the hill I reside upon. I see him. So Beautiful, So majestic, a true god among us, walking the earth in peaceful divinity. Then, he speaks the most entrancing words to ever fall upon my unworthy ears.
"Whoo, look at that! Who'd wanna live in a place like that?!"
"That," says Shrek, "Would be my home." As always, the great gargantuan ghastly green thing brings down the mood.
"Oh, and it is lovely! Just beautiful! And you know, you are quite a decorator- it is amazing what you've done with such a modest budget!"
The next words this godly donkey would speak changed my life forever.
"I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder!"
Thus begins the story of how I, a lowly lump of rock, fell in love with a hot piece of ass.