Disclaimer: Characters do not belong to me, storyline and any original character does.
This is something new that I decided to do after encouragement to write more Rolivia fanfics. (I wrote "Wish I Knew You, which is posted on my friend's account, lalarandoms here on .)
So here you go. Enjoy. :)
"Amanda will you please open the door?"
Amanda rolled her eyes and took another swig from the bottle of jack. She had no intentions of talking to her boss right now. She had no intention of talking to anyone at the moment. In fact, she had half a mind to just give up completely. On her job, on trying to be a good person and detective, on everything.
"Amanda.." She heard her boss' voice once again, and it sent a fresh new wave of tears running down her cheeks. She wouldn't be surprised of they tasted like whiskey, with the amount that she'd been consuming.
The blonde rolled her eyes, set the bottle down, and got up from her couch, making her way to her door.
"Go away, Lieutenant." She garbled, voice scratchy from the whiskey. "I don't wanna talk to you." It was childish, but she didn't give a fuck.
"I don't care, open the door."
She did then, ready to give her boss hell for bothering her. For forcing her to put the bottle down. "What the fuck do you want?" She hissed, brushing her matted blonde waves away from her eyes. "I thought you suspending my ass meant that you didn't wanna see me."
Olivia rolls her eyes, smelling the strong scent of the Jack Daniels on the younger woman, "You know why I did it, you know it's what's be-"
"It's what's best for me, I get it."
Olivia dipped her head down, trying to catch Amanda's eyes, "Right, so will you please let me in so I can talk to you?"
"What more do you have to say?"
"Plenty."
Amanda scoffed, but moved away from the door anyway, leaving it open. She avoided her boss' eyes completely as she took another swig out of the bottle. "What do you need, Lieutenant."
"How much of that did you drink? Was it a full bottle?"
"I've been sipping it all day. Why do you care? Not like I have a job to be sober for."
Olivia sighed, knowing there'd be hostility towards her for her actions. "I suspended you because you were getting reckless.. You're proving my point right now.. Amanda this bottle is almost empty.."
"I have workin' eyes." Her accent was thicker due to the alcohol, and on any other occasion, Olivia would have thought it was attractive.
"Can you say the same about your liver?"
"I'm not an alcoholic."
"Right."
"I'm not," Amanda hissed, crossing her arms over her chest. "You'd know what an alcoholic is-"
She stopped herself before she could finish the sentence, but the damage was done.
Olivia flinches, but collects herself. "Right, so.. So dump the rest of that and whatever else you have here. My mother never did that no matter how many times I asked. Prove to me that you aren't an alcoholic." Her voice wavered, but stayed demanding and authoritative.
"Fine."
Olivia followed the younger woman, watched with bated breath as Amanda a dumped what was left of the jack, then poured two full bottles of wine and what looked like vodka down the drain.
"You can be mad at me Amanda, but I care about you and I don't wanna see you end up-"
Amanda shook her head, "I get it." She bit, moving past Olivia and into the living room, arms crossed over her chest. "One addiction is enough, adding alcohol to the mix isn't the brightest idea." She said, calming down. The effects of the Jack making her tired and weak.
"No it's not." Olivia smiled sadly. "You need this time off, get your head straight, gather your bearings, and when you come back, you'll be back in full swing. I want to help you, Amanda. I-"
"Why?" Amanda cuts Olivia off, turning to face the older woman. "You haven't been here for me through this whole time I've worked with you, so why now?"
Olivia flinches, "I.. Understand that well, Maybe I wasn't so welcoming when you first got here, and I was hostile towards you after the whole um.. Lewis thing.. but I never didn't care about you, Amanda.. You have to know that." She moved towards Amanda.
Amanda sighed but didn't answer, either too drunk to form coherent sentences, or just at a loss for words. "You should get some rest," Olivia continued, picking at the edge of her nail. "I could leave and let you rest or stay and let you rest, but you need to let this alcohol run it's course and then we need to have a talk."
"Thought that's what we were doing," she heard Amanda mumble.
Olivia pressed her lips together and shook her head. "If you aren't going to take this seriously then I'm going to go and we can chat again when I think you're ready for work… And at this rate, it doesn't look like anytime soon."
Amanda moves towards her bedroom then, "You can watch tv or just go home or something, I'll text you when I'm up."
Amanda sighed as she closed the door to her bedroom. Her brain was all jumbled up, she didn't even know if Olivia was really here or a figure of her imagination, her conscious telling her what was best for her. She knew alcohol didn't really have that effect on her though.
She threw on some pajamas and laid down in her bed, worn from her day. It wasn't even 6 PM. Her digital clock sat in her vision and the offensive green color made her head hurt.
She closed her eyes, and in moments, she was asleep.
….
Nearly 5 hours later, Amanda found herself staring at the woman who lay sleeping on her couch. The thought of Noah fluttered through her mind, but she figured Olivia would have left if she needed to be with him. She'd strewn a blanket out over the older woman and set a glass of water by her on the coffee table, then made her way into the kitchen to order some food.
Alcohol wasn't her best friend, but it didn't completely ruin her. She'd stopped having hangovers in her twenties, learned what to do to avoid them. She was surprised though, when she woke up without a headache at least, but decided to take some pain killer just in case.
She ordered salad and pasta from an italian place that delivered, then made her way back into the living room, seeing that her boss had woken up.
"When did you fall asleep?" Amanda asked quietly, sitting down at the other end of the couch.
"Uh.. Maybe only an hour ago.. Not sure." Her voice was hoarse with sleep and Amanda couldn't help the tingling in her lower belly. It was kind of sexy. "I talked to Lucy, she said that she needed to get some studying done, and she can't do that with her roommate around so she's staying at my place. Noah's already asleep."
Amanda nodded and subconsciously tucked her feet under the throw blanket. Her feet had always been cold. "Well, I ordered Italian, but if you wanna get home to Noah, then-"
"I really did come here to talk to you," Olivia stretched, arching a little bit, then ran a hand through her hair. "I wanted to ask you why you've been so uh.."
"Reckless? That's the word you used earlier."
"Right."
"I don't know why. I'd like to know, but I don't."
Olivia nodded in understanding. "Well, I gave you this time off-"
"Suspension."
Amanda watched Olivia sigh in exasperation, "I suspended you, because you need to figure that out. And work on it. I can't have you risking your life or the lives of others."
"I'm sorry about what I said earlier. About your mom."
Olivia scooted closer to the younger woman, placing a hand on her knee, "I know you didn't mean it. I could tell you regretted saying it. You're already forgiven."
"I can't help myself sometimes. I try so hard to be a good detective and I try not to think about gambling and I try to keep the alcohol intake at a moderate rate, but.. I just.." Tears threatened to spill down her cheeks. "I'm so alone, and I wish I had someone to help me through all of this, but at the same time, I want to do this myself, prove to everyone who's doubted me or is doubting me that I'm stronger than my addiction."
Olivia furrowed her brow, "Amanda, you do have someone. And there's nothing to prove. You should know that by now. How long has it been since you last gambled?"
Amanda tucked a long strand of hair behind her ear and looked down at her hands in her lap, "8 months. Almost ruined it today though."
"But you didn't. Isn't that the point? You have control over it. More than you think. You've already proved to everyone that you can do this. Kicking an addiction takes time." The older woman nudges Amanda's foot with her own as she scoots closer to the younger woman, "And as for you being a good detective… You're one of the best I've ever met. Reckless sometimes, Daring.. But you're compassionate and capable and smart. Give yourself more credit, Rollins."
She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She was sure that Olivia held resentment towards her. Disliked her, looked down on her because of her choices and actions and because she wasn't as experienced and knowledgeable as her Lieutenant was. Hearing these words, the sincerity in the older woman's voice was crippling. She craved this, Olivia's approval. She didn't know how much she really craved it until she got it. She'd never admit it out loud, but damn, it was terrifyingly true.
She feels stupid for acting the way she has been at work. Like she's invincible, and not in a good way. Reckless. Like if something bad happened to her, nobody would really care. The way Olivia looked at her, the worry and concern and compassion in her eyes tells the younger woman that nobody caring was far from the truth.
"Amanda?"
The blonde looked up at her superior, eyes glassy with unshed tears which seemed to be an ongoing thing for her lately. "Liv, that means a lot. Really. I just.. I'm at a loss for words."
Olivia smiled softly, then let out a sigh, "Is.. Is your addiction the only reason you've been drinking?" Her words were cautious as she spoke, almost as if she were worried that the younger woman would bolt if she spoke too fast or forcefully.
Amanda chuckles humorlessly, "Anyone ever tell you you're nosy?" Her tone is snappy, but soft.
Of course it's not. Her life is shit most of the time, tiresome the rest of the time. She doesn't drink to forget, thoughts don't just leave her mind. Ever. She drinks to lessen the pain sometimes. She knows she'll never be able to forget her dark past, the shit that she went through.
"Liv, I'm talked out. Honestly." She deflects, hoping her boss would drop the subject easily.
Olivia presses her lips together and shrugs the blanket off her body, "Fair enough. I should give you your privacy. Your food should be here soon." She stands up and stretches, and Amanda can't help but let her eyes wander. The way her boss' back arches as her arms stretch above her head. The way her untucked blouse rides up, exposing tan skin.
She finds herself speaking before thinking, "You can stay if you want."
Olivia smiles and drapes the blanket over her subordinate, "I appreciate the offer but I'm sure the sitter wants to go home at some point. It's getting pretty late."
Amanda nods, blue eyes locking on brown ones as she subconsciously nestles into the soft material of her blanket. "Right." And suddenly, she's feeling that desperate need. But it's not for Olivia's approval, or the need to be better or the need to be less foolish. It's a new one. A new feeling and it's consuming. She doesn't want Olivia to go. She doesn't want to talk about her shitty life, but she doesn't want to be alone again. Alone is when she thinks about everything that went wrong in her life, everything that she fucked up. After she'd sobered earlier that evening, after she and Olivia had settled into a calming conversation, she felt comfortable. A sense of contentedness that she hadn't felt in years.
But instead of begging her boss to stay, instead of crying because of how alone she'd be after the older woman leaves, she stood up and walked her boss to the door. Lip fastened firmly between her teeth, fingers picking at the skin by her nails.
"I think, alongside GA meetings, you should see a therapist," Olivia started, and Amanda rolled her eyes in response, a frown covered her face, "I mean it. I know you won't talk to me about it but you need to talk to someone. I know there's something else you're not telling me, and I'm not going to pressure you, but Amanda, I really don't like seeing you in pain."
"Oh, please, Olivia. Really? You don't like seeing me in pain? So the past few years must have been rough for ya, because it's never went away. And you're right, I'm don't need'ta talk to you about anything because it's none of your business. I don't need a shrink."
"You do if you want to come off suspension."
Amanda grits her teeth, "What the fuck are you talking about, Benson?" She growls, feeling tears prick at her eyes, her cheeks going hot with anger. "You gonna make me talk to some doctor before I come back to work?"
"It's protocol for any officer suspended for reckless behavior to talk to a shrink before they're cleared for duty. You know that." Olivia bites back. "You have a lot to work through, and we both know it can't be fixed or helped on your own, or even with my support." Her voice softens, "It's not a bad thing to need help, Amanda."
Amanda shakes her head running a hand through unkempt blonde locks, "I'll work on it. You said I can come back when I'm more stable on my feet. I will be."
She could see that Olivia didn't really accept her reply, but doesn't say anything. "No more drinking and no more reckless behavior. I will see a shrink, I'll get cleared, and I'll be back."
"I have no doubt you will be back, but what I'm saying is that you need help for.. For the personal aspect of your life.. Being emotionally stable on the job and being emotionally stable off the job is not the same thing."
"I know that."
Olivia nods, "Alright. Well, I'm gonna.." She motions to the door, opening it and seeing a delivery boy walking down the hallway. "Don't hesitate to call me, Amanda. Or text. I'm here for you as a friend and a confident if you want it."
"Thanks, Liv." Amanda looks down at the floor, avoiding eye contact.
A few hours later, Amanda was cuddled up under her covers in bed, unable to sleep. Her mind kept drifting to her boss. The emotions she was feeling were new and ones that she wasn't sure she knew how to control. The way Olivia had been so completely honest with her, had comforted her, had reminded her that she had someone in her corner, someone who cared for her.
She knew that something had changed slightly inside of her after Olivia left. She didn't want to turn into what she was before she moved to New York, and it was for different reasons now.
She wanted to be better.
She wanted to be not broken.
She wanted to live her life again, not just exist around her job and her addiction.
She really wanted to make Olivia Benson proud of her.
Hopefully I can keep this going, but I'm gonna need some encouragement. I wrote another Rolivia story, my friend LalaRandoms uploaded it, and all of the comments asking me to write more inspired me. Leave your thoughts in the review section, let me know how I did, and if I should continue it. It's rough starting out, but I'll get more into the feel of it as I go.
-Anna