fanfic of a movie of a novel adaptation of a fanfic of a novel

by An interested partayyyy of Two

CRACK FIC. Did you ever wonder how the conversation between Christian's mother (we all know it's Esme) and Christian (Edward, let's be real) when she finds out about his sexual history with Mrs. Robsinson (Irina?)? Well, wonder no more.

"You taught me how to fuck, Irina, but Bella taught me how to love." -Edward Cullen, angsty sadist extraordinaire

Esme: "what in the actual fux, circa the 109 years of your immortal life, my young vamp"

Edward: "mommmmmm it was just a phase lol it was fun get off my back yo"

Esme: *takes edward by his ear* "son, when did this begin ?"

Edward: "oww i was like 15 but that's 75 in vampre years so is it really rape "

Esme: "Carlisle did'tn turn you until you were 18, you ignorant fuckl, how did I consider myself to be related to you"

Edward: "******17 and you're like. Younger than me?"

Esme: "Not in human years, bitch-ass. And anyway, wouldn't that mean you need to be the fukin responsible one?"

Edward: "i'm not the one who let her bff fuck her lil boy tho am i"

Esme: "She's literally not even my friend tho? Like innit Carlisle who knew those sketchy af Canadians"

Edward: "Fun facts: Irina likes to do body shots with maple syrup and her kink is apologizing… eh?"

Esme: "T to the M to the absolute fukcing I, that's like, punishable by death in the early 20th century"

Edward: "its the 21st century now get with the times mom. Kids let their mom's best friends whip them. That's just how things go."

Esme: "YOung Man. You are a part of the valturi (spelling) that's perpetually in the 15th century and they all wear literal cloaks don't go preaching about sexual liberation and progressivism"

Edward: "Low blow. 2 can play this game. I sleep with women that remind me of my mom. But not you. Th other one. How does that make u feel"

Esme: "I think maybe this is a conversation for you to have with bella"

Edward: "shes okay with it. My electra complex complements her electra complex perfectly."

Esme: "..."

Edward: "***my oedipus complex"

Esme: "boi. You need hell atherapy"

Edward: "i already have the rapy… (lol mom get it? Lol)"

Esme: "Son. There are lines you should not cross."

Edward: "yea but i've crossed them all already so too late #notakebacksies #itiswhatitiis #cantunfuckyourbffsooooooooooooo"

Esme: "GTFO, this will be continued later. Soooo laters baby"

Edward: "and so the electra complex continues…. Yeah lets do this later imma go pull the vaginal beads outta my girl and fuck her like i fuckedyour best friend bye"

Esme: *drop kicks edward out the window into bellla's lap*

-CUT SCENE-