Grief's Pleasure
Chapter one: Cleansing
Summary: Serena is so heartbroken over Darien breaks up with her. The normally happy and ever cheerful Serena turns to cutting to heal her pain. However, Darien finds out and makes her stop.
Disclaimer: First, and foremost, I would just like to say that I do not condone cutting, self-mutilation, or suicide. This is totally fictional, and I insist that if you are even thinking of cutting, or suicide, please seek help. Next, I do not own Sailor Moon.
Author's Note: This thought came to me while watching the episode where Serena witnesses Lizzie (Andrew's sister) on the back of Darien's bike after his latest nightmare. When he says "this is killing me too, Serena". Or something like that and the thought came to me, what if? What if she ended up hurting herself? By the way, I know this story has a lot more angst than my usual stories. Please read and review.
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It happened the first time she saw him with another girl on the back of his bike. After Darien woke her up from the sleeping death, but told her they still couldn't be together. She never meant for it to happen, but she felt so much better when she did it. She always made sure to do it when Luna or Rini or any of the girls were around, and she always made the marks where her friends couldn't see or where she could explain it away as her usual clumsiness. The white scars soothed her in ways she couldn't explain, and the redness of the blood that appeared calmed her. The scars didn't last long- they always healed after a couple of transformations.
She tested the blade's sharpness, and ran it slowly over one thigh. The blood seeped out in a line. She could smell the copper tint in the red line and she sighed- in pain, in pleasure, in release. It was like the cutting relieved the pain in her heart. She knew if any of the girls knew they would try to stop her. It wasn't like she planned it, but every time Darien acted so cold, she needed the release. Ironically, transforming into Sailor Moon gave her the same pleasure, the same release. But she couldn't transform five or six times a day- Darien would sense it. Or at least she assumed he would, it seemed like he didn't show up as often, since kissing her awake from the sleeping death.
She glanced at the Sleeping Beauty story that she had thrown across the room one day after that kiss. Fairy tales no longer held the same allure. The princess doesn't always get the prince. Tears welled in eyes again, and she drew the blade over her other thigh, the bleed pooled in a line of crimson. She gasped and sighed in release, the pain calming her.
Soon her thighs were a mass of bloody welts and she stood by the sink cleaning the wounds and the knife. She whimpered as the warm water stung the fresh wounds and wrapped a strip of gauze around the thigh with the worse of the cuts.
"Beep beep beep," Her communicator alerted her to trouble and she grabbed her broach while running down stairs.
"Mom, I'm going out for a bit, I'll be back in time for dinner!" She raced out the door before her mom could stop her and once past the gate she tapped the communicator to answer. "I'm on my way." She picked up speed and leaped over a surprised Sammy at the corner.
"Sis, where are you going!?" Sammy said, gaping when Serena just waved. He shrugged and continued home.
Serena could feel her thighs burning where her cuts were, and she knew she needed to transform- if only so the girls didn't find out about her secret.
"Moon Crystal Power!" The rush of Sailor Moon was like a balm to cuts and she could feel them seal up as the fuku appeared around her body, and her tiara gleamed with the power of the moon.
As usual, the Black Moon's droid was hideous. It had attacked a convalescent hospital and dozens of elderly people had been drained of their life force. Sailor Mars held fire in her hands and was angrily tossing it at the droid. Sailor Mercury was in the corner, using her Mercury computer to scan for a weakness.
When Sailor Moon arrived, the droid shrieked and sent an energy draining wheelchair after her. Sailor Moon shrieked and allowed herself to be chased by the racing wheelchair. "Sailor Mercury, hurry," she yelled, her jeweled odango buns bouncing as she leaped and jumped to avoid the (fortunately) grounded wheelchair.
"I'm working on it!" Sailor Mercury typed faster, reading at a hyper rate as information crossed her visor. The diagram of the monster zeroed in on a joint in the neck and she yelled to Sailor Mars, "Aim a fireball at its neck!'
"Right." Mars allowed her fire power center in her body, drawing it out. "Mars, firebird…." The fire hovered on her finger tips, and then lit up the strip of charmed paper with a crackle "Strike!" The monster shrieked as it was lit up in golden flames, and it collapsed on the ground, writhing. "Sailor Moon, now!"
"Right." Sailor Moon held the Moon scepter in her hand and twirling it she began to concentrate the power into the wand, "Moon Scepter! Elimination," Golden and pink lights began to strobe out of the scepter, hitting the monster in repeated strikes. It became a pile of sand, and a jewel fell onto the pile, the black inverted moon fading as it hit the pile.
"Nice job, Sailor Moon!" Sailor Mercury approached her.
"She was still late," Sailor Mars said, her transformation fading away to reveal Rei, who loved to fault with their leader no matter what.
"That's not fair, Rei," Sailor Mercury said, letting her transformation fade as well, "She was called late. It's not like she has psychic powers that inform her ahead of time of the droids."
Sailor Moon shrugged off Rei's hurtful words, keeping her transformation in place, "It doesn't matter, Ami. Rei, awesome fire strike."
Rei was surprised, usually Serena fought whatever she said or at least said that she, Rei, was a meanie. She was immediately suspicious of the compliment as well as the fact that Serena hadn't dropped the transformation. "Serena, are you okay?"
"Sure. But I gotta get home, Mom's expectin' me home for dinner and an explanation, I bet. Bye!" Sailor Moon dashed out, glad that she hadn't seen Darien this battle. Not surprised, though, he'd been showing up less and less ever since he woke her up from the sleeping death.
~~~~POV CHANGE POV CHANGE~~~
Unseen, Tuxedo Mask dashed over rooftops, secretly watching Sailor Moon as she finally let the transformation fade. Earlier he had sensed something from Serena's soul bond, but it was distant and faded, and he had only felt the transformation faintly. He was worried about Serena, because ever since his kiss had woken her from the sleeping death, the soul bond felt different. Fainter, distant, and he only felt her emotions when she was unguarded now. He counted on the soul bond to watch over her- it was necessary to his sanity until he could figure out how to keep the nightmares from being true.
The nightmares were changing too. It was just the death scene now- not the anonymous voice warning him of danger and not the sight of his happy Serena. Her dream screams echoed in his head in his waking moments now. Like he said, his sanity counted on their soul bond to let him know that his Serena was safe. His Serena. He was lucky he could still feel that emotion through that bond.
He couldn't even show up to the battles, not because he didn't want to, but because Rei and Lita warned him to stay away, after the sleeping death thing. So he watched, from the rooftops, keeping an eye on things, just in case. He knew Rei and the other scouts would do their best to protect her, but just in case something happened, he wanted to be nearby.
He watched as Serena hurried up her walkway to the front door. A gust of wind blew her skirt up and he glimpsed something white – he looked away, thinking, oops, got a panty shot, but something made him look back, and he noticed that they were white gauze bandages, stained with light stripes of red. Serena hurriedly pushed the skirt down as she glanced around the street, making sure no one saw.
He saw her hold the skirt down as she entered her home. He felt like such a stalker, but he had to make sure she was alright. So he waited, just out of sight of her window, on the balcony. He watched as she entered her room and sat on the bed, removing the bandages. They were stained with stripes of red, and her thighs held scabbed over cuts. And as he looked closer with his enhanced eyesight, he saw white lines all over her thighs. A couple of dozen of white scars marred her beautiful skin and his heart lurched as he realized what they were. Cuts. Old and new, scarred over, and fresh. They couldn't have been from battles, the monsters never used blades, and this last monster hadn't even been able to grab her.
A sick feeling rose in his stomach as he came to realize that the cuts could be self-inflicted. He walked closer to the door, trying to confirm this awareness. She seemed to be drawing a finger over the cuts, tracing the damage slowly, almost reverently and something in him froze. She looked up, seemingly at a noise from her bedroom door, and hurriedly covered her thighs. She answered the door to an impatient Rini and Serena nodded in response to whatever Rini said and left the room, shutting the door.
Within moments, Darien had the balcony door open and was in the room, looking for something to confirm that she was cutting herself, and he peeked in drawers, finding nothing. He looked in the bathroom, and noticed that a drawer was about an inch open. He pulled it out and he froze. A sharp, gleaming knife lay on top of gauze bandages, proving his suspicions.
"Oh, God," was all that he could say, in a whisper. He picked it up and his psychometric ability picked up visions of Serena using it on those cuts. He carried it to the bed, and sat heavily on her pink bunny bedspread, and held it.
~~~POV CHANGE POV CHANGE~~~
Serena felt like she barely tasted the food she had forced herself to eat. She couldn't explain it, but a ball of dread sat in her stomach, like a rotten apple. She helped Rini do the dishes, by rote, not even commenting on Rini's bright chatter.
"Serena. Serena. Serena!" she finally heard her mother calling her name.
"Yes, Mama?" She turned to her mother, keeping her gaze down.
"Did you finish your homework?" Her mother asked, and she was concerned when Serena didn't even whine about studying.
"Yes, Mama," was all Serena said, "Good night." Serena listlessly walked upstairs.
Her parents, Sammy, and Rini looked upset. Ken and Ikuko exchanged glances, wondering what had made Serena change over the last couple of weeks, and Rini gazed up the stairs, knowing already what was wrong with her.
Upstairs, Serena opened her door, and shutting it, keeping her gaze on the floor, not even noticing the tuxedo clad Darien sitting on the bed until she reached the bed.
"Darien! What-?" She began to ask, and then she saw the knife in his hands. She paled, speechless.
Darien met her gaze, his midnight blue eyes darkened with heartache. "Serena, what are you doing?"
_Chapter END_
Author's Note: You all know that I like to leave cliffhangers. Tune in for the next chapter. And please remember, I know that Serena would never really hurt herself. It's not in her character. Read and review. And like I said, I do not condone suicide or self-inflicted harm, I honestly think it is a the coward's way out.
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