It was a dark and stormy night. As the wind rattled his shitty apartment's window, Atsushi knew the storm would rage all night. He sighed. "A perfect night for self-loathing," he mumbled as he went to the fridge. Looking inside, one would think a family of eight, perhaps with the last name Scabhen, lived there. But it was only him. As it had always been. He took the first thing out - a large jar of mayo - the good stuff, not any of that Miracle Whip bullshit - along with the fixings for the most magnificent sandwich the world had ever known. Of course since he was in a place of self-loathing, it consisted of little more than a slice of ham and disgustingly too much but very attractive amount of mayo to him. He shoved everything back into the fridge and made his way over to his leather chair, positioned just right to watch the dreary weather out the window.

It was only when he had been sitting for three and a half minutes and had inhaled the sandwich that the plot of this fanfic became apparent: there came a frantic knocking upon his door.

Perhaps it was Kyouka or Dazai? It would be nice to have a friend in this dark moment we have manufactured. Or perhaps it was one of the less savory boys he knew - Akutagawa, his arch nemesis but also a possible love-have relationship partner for the sake of fics. After all, everyone knows that men punch each other when they want to repress their feelings. Well, he thought, it's worth the risk, so he went to his door and answered.

"Get down!" Shouted a female voice.

突然に、いっぱいなことが送りました。

まず、この彼女は淳にタックルしました。彼女は青い髪、怖い目。隣に他の彼女が赤い髪、優しくて怖っている目。

((AN: I could write the rest of this in Japanese, but it's too cold for that crap, so back to English.))

Second, there was a loud crash. Something had exploded in his house. It's a shitty apartment anyway, he thought as he was falling. The blue-haired woman kicked the door closed and immediately moved to put a shelf in front of it. The red-haired girl stood up and helped.

"What the shit?" Atsushi cried.

"Don't just sit there like a Dumas!" cried the blue girl. "You're a man, help us move this!"

The bewilderment wore off as his sweet protective instincts kicked in, and like some kind of steroid-crazed madman began to move other furniture in front of the door, blocking it quite sufficiently. They heard banging on the other side, and the same loud sound - a gunshot, he realized. The blue girl pulled them down to crouch below the barrier, and from her hip pulled a Glock 17. The red one had a Winchester rifle like a friggin cowboys. There was a pregnant pause. Slowly the banging subsided as the pause gave birth to Atsushi's curiosity.

"May I ask who you are and what's going on?" he said quietly, despite his shyness. He knew this fic needed the plot to be apparent since the readers were certainly confused at this point. However, since the crossover is apparent in the title of the fic, it was already clear to them who these characters were.

"Tokaku Azuma," said the blue one. "That's Hari."

"I'm Hari!" Said the red one. Then she paused. "Oh no wait, sorry, autocorrect. I'm Haru."

Tokaku gave her a concerned look as she spoke in such a deep voice, but ignored it and looked back to A Sushi. "There's an assassin after us. We needed a place to hide."

"Goodness," he breathed. "Well I am glad to hold you up."

"Good. I was planning to kil you if you resisted."

"Tokaku, that's not a nice thing to say."

"It was a joke."

"Didn't sound like a joke!"

Atsushi watched them with concern as they devolved to little more than babbling at each other. There was also a strange interlude in which a woman, who sounded like some sort of announcer, explained something about moving lines in Japanese. Suddenly he snapped back to reality as the girls looked to him.

"You're really okay helping?" asked the cute redhead. "What if you get hurt?"

"That's okay, I'm basically a weretiger."

"What a coincidence," mumbled Tokaku, as if perhaps she was also a were of some sort, but that would be revealed later in the author's other fanfic, which is not as trash as this one (trust me).

Haru looked relieved, then looked back to Tokaji. Having suddenly switched sexes and also now half-shrine, this beast slowly stood and began to search the apartment. Once it seemed clear, he returned, at which point the author realized such a sex switch, though funny in some lights, is disrespectful to her transgender siblings and for that reason she apologizes and will return Tokaji to her original state - except she's definitely still half temple.

"This location is sufficient for habitation," cane her for some reason robotic voice. "We shall recouperate until it is secure."

"Tokaku you're scaring me, can you go back to being my hot werewolf girlfriend?"

Tokaku returned to normal with a sigh. "Hate it when that happens," she grumbled. At this point, Atsushi, which the author had forgotten about just like the fans of Bungalo Doggarooos, had returned to his fridge for a new sandwich. However, in a twisted turn of fate, the thing he had heard destroyed earlier was none other than the jar of mayo within the fridge; the bullet shot right through the fridge and shattered it. Atsushi inspected the mess, and with s shrug simply scraped some of the mayo off the shelf and onto his new, bigger sandwich and shut the door again. He noticed the concerned looks from the girls.

"Still edible," he stated silmply.

"At least he has dedication," Haru commented.

"Anyway, we should be safe for now. Kouko—"

"USES EXPLOSIVES," yelled Haru, as the author remembered such a fact and that they really should all be dead by now, but now had 3 seconds before their imminent doom. Tokaku grabbed their hands and ran towards one of the windows, lunging through it, because after all this IS an anime world and she is secretly a werewolf (except not so secretly since I told you in and out of character already) and therefore they crash through this window and barrel roll 7 stories to the ground unscathed. Just as they do, the entire apartment explodes. They watch as the fire begins to consume the rest of the building.

Atsushi sighs. "Saved the mayo for nothing."

"I owe you a jar," mumbles Tokaku as she helps Haru up. "And an apartment."

"Don't worry, as per all main characters I have a source of replacement, ie my agency. Either that or the author will write me a new one in next chapter.

((Spoilers: I don't LOL.))

"We have a small window of time. Kouko might think we're dead. We need to get out of here." Tokaku quickly scanned the sidewalk and spotted a car nearby. The three of them snuck up and in a nice twist— you know what no, it's 100% me, I am the master of this world, I'm making this how I want.

((AN: There was a small interlude here where my cowriter attempted to give me a character for this situation, but I then yelled "SHH I HAVE A GREAT TWIST UR GONNA LOVE IT" at her.))

In the car is a woman. She's barely 5 feet tall, wearing a black and purple hoodie with wings on the hood. She looks cold, as if she was perhaps standing in a line in the middle of Tokyo for several hours and was suddenly ripped into this reality.

"There you are," she said through chattering teeth, setting the iPhone down in her lap. "I really put you thought some shit. Come on, I'll drive you to safety."

Confused and yet not because that's what I decided, the trio got in, Atsushi in the front.

"What kind of car is this?" He asked, suddenly compelled to know.

"A 1980 Bugatti," she said.

"Who ARE you?" asked Haru in the same cadence and voice as the Kazoo kid.

"Oh my goodness I'm sorry to miss this very very sweet friend," she suddenly speeeeeeeeeeded away, with no explanation for her words as the author's fingers are now too frozen to write.

"All you need to know is I know where to go."

"You do?" Atsushi sounded slightly concerned.

"Yes," she said, as she looked out over the road. An image of a gold backpack with several character keychains flashed in her mind. "We're going to Dazai."

Hiya! Thanks for reading, though I'm a little concerned you did. This was a random idea as my cowriter and I were trapped in the line for Comiket one day 3 and had no internet, not event enough to read fics. So I told her, "let's write one!" As she is a BSD fan and we both watched AnR together, I thought it was a pretty good idea. We thought it was funny, anyway. Especially since I know jack shit about BSD and wrote most of this.

Don't bother leaving criticism, it's not even worth it. All I can hope is that God doesn't smite me off the planet for my sin. If for some reason you enjoyed this, do let me know as it would be fun to word vomit all over a notepad again and see what other crazy shit these guys get into! If you didn't...please don't flag this, just let it die.

Also, my friend would just like to add, "I am just absolutely delighted that Atsushi can actually be the star of his own thing." And a star he will be.
#ShineBrightLikeATiger