Title: If I Cannot Have You
A/N: A reader requested a story that is an extended version of one of my drabbles prompted by "It's not what you think". This is an expansion of Craterus' POV. Thank you for giving me an idea.
Whenever I hear your voice, I make a disgusted face.
Whenever I see you smile at the king, I call you a whore.
I test your patience, and push you to the limit biting into piece by piece.
I know that you think I treat you so because I am jealous.
But the truth is, it's not what you think.
The truth is that I am not jealous of you, but of the king.
If I cannot have you, then it is best to keep you as far away from me as possible, and attack you before I get hurt.
Chapter 1: Encounter
"You are nothing without me!"
Alexander's voice rang in his head repeatedly like a mantra. Craterus should have felt good, as he had finally succeeded in defeating Hephaistion. And even better, it was not he who had done it, but Alexander whom Hephaistion loved the most and trusted unconditionally. He could not have expected a better result.
Yet, his heart was heavy as if dark clouds had suddenly settled in. The image of Hephaistion's broken figure permanently burned into his eyes and brain. The younger general tried to hide the pain behind the long chestnut brown hair, but Craterus could still see it in his empty blue orbs through the curtain of the strands.
Hephaistion bit his bottom lip so hard that a fine line of crimson blood seeped onto his almost translucent pale thin skin. He kept his regal posture as much as he could, but Craterus did not miss that the point of the sword that almost touched the ground was slightly trembling in his tight grip. He was doing his best to keep cool, but Craterus saw his chest heaving heavily as if to fight against an unseen weight that was crushing his heart.
Craterus was confused with his own reaction. He should be jumping up and down in celebration for seeing the defeated nemesis in front of his eyes. Yet he froze in silence with the rest of the stunned audience.
"Go back to your own tents, and stay there until further notice! Both of you!"
The king spat out the words before turning around quickly to go back to the royal tent. His jaw clenched, and his hands in tight balls at his sides.
Alexander's irritated voice broke a spell of heavy stillness. The crowd abandoned the circle one by one leaving only the two generals behind. When all the soldiers had gone, Craterus turned around, and cast back a gaze one last time onto his unmoving opponent before walking back to his tent. He had to squint his eyes in the effort of reducing the intensity of the setting rays of light. Hephaistion's black silhouette contrasted against the crimson sun.
As soon as he returned to his tent, Craterus ordered the servant to bring uncut wine. A sudden exhaustion made him sit in the chair with a thud. He gulped the first cup in one go; it burned his throat and settled at the pit of his stomach. He hastily poured the second cup, but this time he took time to nurse it. It was a strong Macedonian wine. As he tasted the excellent quality on his tongue, it lured him into the memory of the past.
oooOooo
Craterus was thirteen years old when he first met with Alexander and Hephaistion. His father who was a noble man in Orestis, northwest region of Pella, sent him to the palace to serve as a page of the Macedonian court. It was a custom of the noble families in the kingdom to send their sons to the palace in order to show their loyalty to the King. In return, their sons received an excellent education and training to be a future officer of the Macedonian army.
Craterus looked forward for the day to come. His brother Amphoterus who was three years older than him was already serving as a page, and the occasional letter from him reflected an exciting life of a city; the shops that sold rare goods from exotic countries, the banquets filled with all kinds of entertainments that lasted all night. It sounded like a totally different world for a boy who had grown up in a small town that was surrounded by nothing but mountains.
Craterus' first experience of the Agora was almost intoxicating. His brother took him to the market with his friends on Craterus' first free day in Pella. So many people were on the street, and so much noise surrounded him. He felt dizzy just trying to avoid bumping into others. People flowed constantly like a current that never stopped. The life in the city was indeed exciting.
The luxury and the size of the palace that hugged the whole hillside stunned young Craterus as well. Breathtakingly beautiful pebble mosaics decorated the floor and the wall along with colorful paintings and the statues of the twelve gods of Mount Olympus. It well demonstrated the rising power of the Macedonian empire. It made Craterus feel proud to be a part of it.
However, after the initial enthusiasm had passed, life as a page at the palace became rather boring. The typical day started with the army training; both physical exercise and the lectures and lessons mainly in politics and rhetoric. He loved and exceeded in spear and sword sparring, but rhetoric was his weakest subject. He was a kind of person whose muscle of the body moved before the muscle of the mouth.
After the exercise, they took turns to guard the king's chamber at the door. It was obvious that nobody was reckless enough to attack the King in the palace, but it was another training to teach discipline to the youth. Amphoterus told Craterus that he would eventually have an opportunity to go hunting with the king's party, but it had not happened to him yet.
It was one clear afternoon in autumn. Craterus was on the way to the palace for his duty as a guard. When he turned at the corner of the corridor, he thought that he had spotted a shadow cross the courtyard, and stopped. Prepared for the worst, he tensed, and searched for an intruder. Instead, he found a child hiding behind the bush that bore clusters of amethyst colored berries. Time stopped around him where he suddenly noticed the exotic thick fragrance of sweet laurel in the air.
Stunning blues met with his dark browns through the gaps of the berried branches. Shoulder length chestnut brown hair framed the child's perfect oval face. Craterus could not tell if the child was a boy or a girl, so he had concluded that he had seen Eros. His eyes actually searched for the wings that could be tacked in behind the back of the child. The child was too beautiful to be a human.
"Hephaistion! Where are you?"
'Hephaistion? Is it the child's name? He must be a boy, then.'
As Craterus' dreamy mind vaguely registered the fact, he saw another child with golden hair running through the corridor toward him. He did recognize this child; it was prince Alexander. He had seen him with king Philip on the first day of his assignment.
He still remembered an uneasy sensation he had felt when he met with the young prince's mesmerizing eyes. The edge of the orbs was defined with black circumference, and the pale iris was almost golden color with green speckles. They changed the shade of the color from hazel brown to pale blue green depending on the angles and the lighting conditions. They were also too cold and wise to belong to a seven-year-old boy.
When he looked back to the child behind the bush, the boy smiled at him, and put his forefinger in front of his lips signaling Craterus to be quiet. It was a kind of smile that made you forget who you were, and let you lower the guard of your last gate. Noticing Craterus standing in the middle of the corridor like a stunned animal, Alexander stopped by him and followed the gaze of the new page. He grinned widely, and sprinted to the bush as he found what he was looking for.
"Hephaistion! I found you! Why did you escape from your birthday party?"
"It was getting boring. I'd rather like to play with you than sitting there, and opening all those presents."
"Well, then, why didn't you say anything but to run away?"
"I couldn't ask you in front of the guests. My father won't allow it, but I thought if I just disappeared, and you didn't see me for a while, then you might come get me. It worked, didn't it, Alexander?"
"Yes, it did."
"Now let's go and play."
"What would you like to play, Hephaistion? Would you like to play the Sheikh and his great warrior again?"
"Fine, Alexander, but can I have my own scimitar this time? I don't want to be just protected. I'd like to fight myself."
"All right Hephaistion, let's fight together against the evil monster then."
With this, the two children ran toward the sun hand in hand leaving a delightful laughter behind. They shone in the setting sun like two jewels before changing into one silhouette. Craterus felt a pang of jealousy rise up in his mind. It seemed that those children had created their own world to live in where nobody could enter. Craterus certainly had friends he did play with, but none of them were close enough to share the whole world.
Craterus stood there in bright stillness as if somebody had cast a spell on him until two children had disappeared into the deep end of the garden. He wondered if he would ever meet somebody with whom he could share the world like those two children. He envied them for what he did not have, but he had not hated Hephaistion just yet.
TBC
A/N: In this story, Craterus is six years older than Alexander and Hephaistion. He also has an older brother, not a younger brother as most of the references suggest.