XAVIER: I'm so glad that humans and mutants can finally get along in peace!
JEAN: But, professor, the humans have started a war against us! They want us dead!
XAVIER: Silly, Jean. Of COURSE they love us.
JEAN: Professor...? Are you DRUNK?
XAVIER: No, Jean. But I'm high on life. JEAN: rolls eyes Riiiight.
KURT: runs in Guys! You should see this news report!
turns on TV
NEWSPERSON: Recent scientific studies have shown that people can indeed get high on life. Wow. All this time I thought that was just some stupid expression. What do you think about this, Tom?
NEWSPERSON2: I'm high on life right now, Diane.
NEWSPERSON: laughs Oh, Tom, you're a riot.
NEWSPERSON2: No really-
NEWSPERSON3: We interrupt this urgent news report with an even more urgent news report. The Brotherhood of Mutants attacks the X-Men in their living room.
JEAN: Wait, that never-
MAGNETO: jumps up from behind the couch AHA! I've got you right where I want you, Charles!
XAVIER: Wha?
MAGNETO: Brotherhood of Mutants: ATTACK!
thirty seconds pass
MAGNETO: cough They'll be here any minute.
KURT: Can I make myself a sandwhich while we're waiting?
MAGNETO: Go ahead.
Kurtexits
thirty more seconds pass
KURT: shouts from kitchen You guys want anything while I'm up? Jean?
JEAN: No thanks.
KURT: Professor?
XAVIER: That's okay, Kurt.
KURT: Magneto?
MAGNETO: Do you have any of that cheese in a can?
KURT: No, sorry. We have some string cheese.
MAGNETO: Well.
/Lance, Pietro, Todd, Fred, and Wanda run through the door/
BoM: SURRENDER, X-MEN!
MAGNETO: looks at watch and glares at them
LANCE: Sorry... we had to stop at Burger King because SOMEBODY needs to be eating 24/7!
PIETRO: I do NOT!
LANCE: I was talking about Freddy.
PIETRO: Oh.... glares at Fred Yeah, Freddy. Way to go.
FRED: I need to keep eating. I'm a growing boy. And I lose all my powers if I don't eat something every fifteen minutes. TODD: Really?
FRED: Yeah, you see, it all started when I was five and I-
MAGNETO: Shut up, all of you! We're here to attack the X-Men. Brotherhood of Mutants: ATTACK!
WANDA: But there's only two of them here.
MAGNETO: You're right! to Xavier Call all your X-Men down here.
XAVIER: Why should I? You're just going to attack them.
MAGNETO: No we're not! We just need to... ah... Have a meeting.
XAVIER: Oh, okay. X-Men, I need you to report to the living room for an emergency meeting
several minutes pass
JEAN: Professor, are you sure you said that telepathically? Maybe you were just thinking it to yourself again.
XAVIER: No, it was definitely telepathically. But I have a better idea. X-Men, I need you to report to the living room for an emergency pizza party
everyone runs in
EVAN: Oh boy! Pizza party!
SCOTT: How come we never had a pizza party before?
KITTY: Hey, where's all the pizza? ROGUE: What's the brotherhood doing here?
XAVIER: Okay, Erik, go ahead and start the meeting.
MAGNETO: On our first order of business- Brotherhood of Mutants: ATTACK!
BoM: stares at X-Men
X-MEN: stares at BoM
MAGNETO: I said: ATTACK!
PIETRO: kicks Evan in the shin Take THAT!
EVAN: Ow! That was my shin, you jerk! Professor! Pietro kicked me!
XAVIER: That does it! X-men: ATTACK!
ROGUE: slaps Jean XAVIER: No, attack the Brotherhood! And don't use violence. Use your words. X-Men: ATTACK... with words.
SCOTT: Lance, you're stupid.
LANCE: Yeah, well, you're ugly.
SCOTT: You smell funny.
LANCE: Your eyes are broken.
SCOTT: Gasp! to Xavier They're strong, professor!
XAVIER: I know. Remember your training.
KITTY: to Wanda Those pants make your butt look big.
WANDA: So?
KITTY: retreats I'm just not powerful enough, Professor!
XAVIER: No, Kitty. You are quite powerful. But you need to direct all of your strength at the right opponent.
KITTY: I'll try. to Pietro Those pants make your butt look big.
PIETRO: WHAT!? NO THEY DON'T! passes out
KITTY: I did it! I did it!
WANDA: Oh no! Pietro!!! to Kitty That ponytail is lame.
KITTY: B-but.... It's cute!
WANDA: No it isn't.
KITTY: GAK! passes out
KURT: watching from afar Madness. Madness. Madness. To be continued.
NARRATOR: On the next episode of X-Men Evolution.
SCOTT: Jean. I'm pregnant.
JEAN: GASP!
MAGNETO: Pietro. I am your father.
PIETRO: GASP!
X-MEN: It's morphin' time! XAVIER: GASP!
LANCE: We're out of cheetos.
FRED: GASP!
X-Men Evolution, Season 5, Episode 2:
scene opens in Magneto's secret underground lair, where the brotherhood is gathered in front of Magneto
MAGNETO: You all make me sick! How could you lose to the X-Men AGAIN? I order you to hang your heads in shame.
BROTHERHOOD: hang heads in shame
MAGNETO: Knock that off! You're all fired.
PIETRO: You can't do that! I'm your SON!
MAGNETO: And a lousy one at that. You won't let me be your cub scout leader and you didn't go to the father-son picnic with me.
PIETRO: That's because you took stupid Pyro to it.
MAGNETO: Hey! My son is NOT stupid!
PIETRO: He's not your son! I am!
MAGNETO: Not anymore. Pyro is my new son.
PIETRO: You can't just say I'm not your son anymore. It doesn't work like that.
MAGNETO: coldly I have no son.
PIETRO: But you just said Pyro's your son.
MAGNETO: Shut up! Get out of my site!
PIETRO: sadly leaves
LANCE: What about US?
MAGNETO: You're all not my sons either! Not you, not Toad, not Fred, not Wanda, not anybody! .....Except Pyro.
PYRO: Thanks, pop! skips away
later
MYSTIQUE: Well, you've fired the entire brotherhood of mutants. What do you expect to do now?
MAGNETO: Not to worry, I have tons of other mutants wishing to apply for a position.
RECEPTIONIST: over intercom The first applicant is her to see you, sir.
MAGNETO: Excellent. Send him in. /applicant enters/ Welcome. I'm just going to ask you a few simple questions. Please state your name.
APPLICANT: I'm Batman.
MAGNETO: Gender.
APPLICANT: Man......bat... Batman!
MAGNETO: Occupation.
APPLICANT: Batman.
MAGNETO: Age.
APPLICANT: Is that bat years or human years?
MAGNETO: Human years.
APPLICANT: Oh... well I don't know how old I am in human years. I know how old I am in bat years.
MAGNETO: exasperated Okay, fine. How old are you in bat years?
APPLICANT: 27.
MAGNETO: flips through pages of application Thanks, but I think we're done here. We'll call you.
APPLICANT: I'm batman.
MAGNETO: Yes I know. Please leave. into intercom Becky, send in the next applicant.
next applicant enters and takes a seat
MAGNETO: Name.
APLICANT2: Spiderman.
MAGNETO: ....We'll call you.
The next day...
MYSTIQUE: You had fifty applicants yesterday and this is ALL you could manage to recruit?
MAGNETO: Look, I need to recruit only the best into my team. And trust me, this is the best.
MYSTIQUE: You only hired three mutants: Bob Bobson, Pierre Xamiffom, and .... Evan Daniels?
EVAN: raises hand Present!
MYSTIQUE: I thought you were an X-Man.
EVAN: I am. Is that bad?
MYSTIQUE: Why would you join the Brotherhood of Mutants if you're an X-Man?
EVAN: Brotherhood of Mutants!? I thought this was the youth basketball league! exits
MYSTIQUE: Well, now you only have two recruits. looks at Bob What exactly is your power?
BOB: I control things that are yellow.
MYSTIQUE: Interesting. Anything that's yellow, you say?
BOB: Well, not anything. It has to be a certain shade of yellow.
MYSTIQUE: holds up a banana What about this?
BOB: No, that's really more of a 'green-yellow' color.
MYSTIQUE: holds up a yellow umbrella Can you control this?
BOB: I have no power over things that are 'lemon-yellow'
MYSTIQUE: And what about this yellow crayon?
BOB: It's a little too yellow for me to handle.
MAGNETO: What an amazing ability. jealous I wish I could control yellow.
MYSTIQUE: to Pierre What about you? What can you do?
PIERRE: Superspeed.
MAGNETO: Wow! Mystique, promote Pierre to the next rank.
MYSTIQUE: We don't have ranks. And, also, I think that's just your son with a mustache glued to his face.
MAGNETO: That's impossible... Pyro's at daycare. And we've always had ranks. I can't believe you're so stupid. Mystique, I order you to demote yourself to the rank of 'janitor.'
MYSTIQUE: That's IT! I quite! storms out
MAGNETO: Well, that was unexpected. I wonder what brought that on.
PIERRE: She must have been having girl problems.
MAGNETO: Wait... You mean Mystique's NOT a man? pulls out voice recorder Note to self, stop referring to Mystique as, "Mr. Darkholme."
BOB: Master, now that I'm in the Brotherhood can I have a mission?
MAGNETO: First of all, don't call me 'master.' Second, no you may not.
BOB: Why not, sir?
MAGNETO: Because missions require training, and weeks of planning. Also, don't call me 'sir.'
BOB: When do we get our training, Magneto?
MAGNETO: After you stop calling me Magneto.
BOB: What should I call you, than?
MAGNETO: I don't know. Think of something.
BOB: How about Nancy?
MAGNETO: Why would you call me Nancy?
BOB: It was my mother's name. It would make me more at home if I could call you Nancy.
MAGNETO: Fine. But only because I respect your mutant abilities. And now, for your first mission.
BOB: I thought we couldn't have missions until we've had training.
MAGNETO: Training's for wussies like the X-Men. You're not a wussy, are you?
BOB: No, of course not, Nancy!
MAGNETO: Good. For your first mission I'd like you to kill all the ex-brotherhood members.
PIERRE: WHAT?
MAGNETO: I've decided that you will kill them all in the most ironic way possible. For Toad I'd like you to have a giant Toad eat him. For Lance, have him burried in an avalanche. For Fred I'd like you to have him crushed by a giant donut-
BOB: Ah, I don't think that's possible.
MAGNETO: Anything's possible if you believe it is. And for that stupid kid who keeps trying to be my son, I want you to throw him in a giant snake pit.
PIERRE: How is that ironic?
MAGNETO: Snakes are ALWAYS ironic.
PIERRE: That's stupid.
MAGNETO: By stupid do you mean... brilliant?
PIERRE: No, I mean it's stupid.
BOB: I think it's brilliant
MAGNETO: Thanks! Mystique, promote this man again!
BOB: Um... I think she quite.
MAGNETO: Oh yeah, that's right. Well, than.... Pierre, promote this man.
PIERRE: Bite me.
MAGNETO: I don't like your attitude... but that mustache is both stylish and snappy. Bob, promote this man!
BOB: I'm sorry, I don't have the authority.
MAGNETO: You do now that your... vice president!
BOB: Really!? Squee!
PIERRE: rolls eyes Forget this! leaves
MAGNETO: What was HIS problem?
BOB: Is it possible he's annoyed because his fake mustache was itchy?
MAGNETO: Fake mustache... hm... realization Waitaminute! That was Pietro in disguise! First he poses as my son.... then he has the audacity to pretend he's dear, kind Pierre Xamiffom! That DOES it! NOW I'm angry!
BOB: Would you like me to fetch your stress ball?
MAGNETO: Yes, please.
To be continued...
NARRATOR: On the next episode of X-Men Evolution...
JEAN: Oh no! Xavier is dead!
XAVIER: Or am I...?