ONCE UPON A TIME… there was a fanwriter named Jellicle-in-the-Box. She liked breaking the fourth wall, writing stories, and speaking in third person about herself. She also thinks that the last sentence was very funny, even though it's not. She has a wonderful Beta-reader named Queen-of-Pi, and loves reviews, people favoriting her stories, and long walks on the beach. One day, Jellicle-in-the-Box realized that it was Nari-chan SND's birthday. What better gift to give her than Remus Lupin? Unfortunately, he doesn't exist. And if he did, he'd already belong to J. K. Rowling (HINT: THAT WAS THE DISCLAIMER). But even as she thought that, Harry's voice said, "Are you a fanwriter or not?" (She's also crazy). Therefore, Jellicle-in-the-Box decided to give Nari-chan SND Professor Lupin for her birthday, whether he was willing or not. Happy Birthday, Nari!!
Nari-chan SND opened the very cheesy card from Jellicle-in-the-Box. Where was her present? Jellicle had said the envelope had her present in it, but it was too light to have anything more than the card. She read the message and grinned.
Happy Birthday, Nari-chan!
I know it seems like I forgot your present, but I didn't! Go to www,fanfiction,net and look at my profile. Follow the instructions from there. Have fun!
--Jellicle-in-the-Box
Nari-chan rushed to her computer and loaded the page. She clicked around a bit until she ended up on the same page you are on now (Hooray, down with the fourth wall!). But unlike you, she didn't find this story. She found a screen with a big red button which said "cliché-ifier." There was a long list of instructions below it, but Nari didn't read them. After she read the first line, ("To enter the Potterverse, press above") she ignored the rest. With mumbled thanks to Jellicle, she closed her eyes and pressed the button.
Nothing happened.
Nari opened her eyes in disappointment. But, to her surprise, she wasn't in front of her computer anymore. She was seated at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall at Hogwarts. Nari stood up in her seat and shrieked. Silence fell over the entire rest of the hall as every head turned to look at her.
"Not another one," Professor Lupin said. When Nari realized she was in the same room as Remus Lupin, she screamed again. Everyone flinched. Dumbledore, who apparently was still alive, stood from his seat at the head table.
"Please disregard the Mary-Sue, and continue with your supper," he announced, his voice carrying through the hall. Nari turned around to get a good look, but to her dismay found that Snape was also still alive somehow. He was holding his wand and looking at her with a look of disgust.
"Stupefy," he said, and Nari-chan SND crumpled to the floor.
When Nari-chan woke up, she found herself in the hospital wing. Sitting on a stool beside her bed was Dobby. She stared at him incredulously. He was a lot uglier than the books or movies had depicted him.
"Aren't you dead?" Nari asked bluntly, not worrying about being polite. Dobby just laughed.
"That would be in Canon Potterverse, Miss," he politely explained. "You are in the Harry Potter Fandom, by the northern border of Inter Net. No character ever disappears from her, even if they die. Well, Miss Mafalda disappeared, but she wasn't ever in canon anyway." Dobby was interrupted by Dumbledore walking through the door. Madame Pomfrey was with him. She rushed to check Nari's pulse, temperature, and blood pressure on the chart that was constantly writing itself at the foot of her bed. She nodded to the headmaster.
"It is time," he told Nari solemnly. She gave him a funny look and got out of the bed. Looking down at herself for the first time, she saw she was wearing Hogwarts robes. She felt a little awkward in them, but she could thankfully feel her jeans and tee-shirt under the thick robes. Dumbledore motioned for her to follow.
The two of them walked from the hospital wing, through a hallway, up three flights of steps, down another hallway (which was full of empty classrooms where students were making out. Because everyone knows there are an unlimited number of abandoned classrooms in Hogwarts), down a flight of steps, past the Fat Lady, Sir Cadogan, and Dumbledore's office, and finally stopped at the door to yet another abandoned classroom. Glancing at her surroundings, Nari saw that she was just down the hall from the hospital wing where they had started. She pointed it out to Dumbledore, who simply shrugged.
"I felt like taking a walk," he said. Nari, who was nearly gasping for breath, gave an exasperated sigh and followed Dumbledore into the room.
Sitting in a makeshift, wizengamot-like semicircle was a court of characters. Dumbledore's giant throne of a seat was in the middle. McGonagall and Snape sat on either side. Next to McGonagall sat Sirius and Lupin and Tonks; the couple was holding hands and looking warily at Nari. On the other side of Snape, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny sat talking quietly. In the row behind them was the entire rest of the Weasley family. Peter Pettigrew, James, and Lily sat behind Lupin, Tonks, and Sirius. James was poking Sirius in the back, but turning away in innocence whenever Padfoot turned around.
"It sure took you long enough to get here," a voice sneered. Nari looked for the source and gasped.
"Sorry, Voldie," Dumbledore said. For sitting there, in the back row, was Voldemort himself. He was accompanied by all the Malfoys and Bellatrix Lestrange.
"Don't. Call. Me. Voldie," You-Know-Who growled. McGonagall rolled her eyes at him.
"You know Dumbledore's affected by the fangirl's presence. That stupid narrator, Jellicle-in-the-Box likes to make Dumbledore act crazy. Just call him Dumby and he'll snap out of it," McGonagall said. Voldemort nodded and turned back to Dumbledore and Nari. Nari gulped.
"This is the Mary-Sue, Dumby?" Voldemort asked. Dumbledore nodded, frowning.
"Excuse me," Nari piped up, despite her fear. Everyone's attention was focused on her. "I'm not a Mary-Sue."
"Sure," Ron snorted. "That's what they all say." He chuckled, and most of the court joined in.
"It's true," Nari-chan insisted, stomping her foot.
"Strong temper tantrum," Percy noted, writing with a quill on a long scroll of parchment. Everyone began talking, the volume getting louder as everyone tried to voice their opinions.
"SILENCE!" Dumbledore boomed, sounding in character for the first time since Nari had woken up. Silence fell over the room. Dumbledore sat in his seat and motioned for everybody else to do the same. Nari was relieved to see that there were no chains on her chair, but was still nervous about being in front of the court.
"We are here today to try this OFC and see if she is a Mary-Sue," Dumbledore began. "Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall will be conducting the questioning. Severus, you may begin."
"Thank you," Snape said. "Now, please state for the court your full name."
"Nari-chan SND," Nari promptly stated.
"Hyphenated name, extra letters, very Mary-Sue-ish," Percy said. Nari blushed.
"Well, it's not my real name," she explained. "It's my penname."
"And why can't you use your real name? Are you fleeing some great evil?" Snape asked mockingly.
"No," Nari said indignantly. "The Potter Fandom is right in the middle of Inter Net. Nobody uses their real name on the 'Net."
"Point taken," Dumbledore said. "Minerva, please continue with the questioning."
"Harry Potter, please rise," McGonagall said. "Nari-chan SND—"
"Please, call me Nari," she interrupted.
"Very well, Nari, have you ever seen this boy before?"
"Only in the movies. But it didn't look like him," she added. "His hair was all wrong." Ginny laughed as Harry self consciously ran his hand through his messy hair. McGonagall nodded and continued.
"Are you in any way, shape, or form related to him?" Nari's jaw dropped.
"Related to Harry Potter? That's not possible! I'm American, he's English. I'm dirty-blond, his hair's jet black. He's a wizard, I'm a muggle… well, I think I am… anyway, everyone knows Harry's an orphan, and that the Dursleys are his only relatives."
"She's an American Blonde!" someone cried. "Write that down, Percy." The redhead rushed to comply. Whispers spread through the room, the word "Mary-Sue," on the tips of everyone's tongues. Nari-chan was starting to get annoyed.
"You're twisting my words," she accused. "Yes, I'm American, but I intend to stay there, not move to England to go to Hogwarts. I go to public school—muggle public school. Besides, I'm not a blonde, my hair is dirty-blond. There's a difference. I don't look anything like a Mary-Sue!"
"Yeah, plus you're short, and have glasses," added Ron. Every female in the room gave him a withering look. Hermione and Ginny, sitting on either side of him, each slapped one of his arms. "What?" he asked obliviously. Hermione gave Nari an apologetic look.
"He brings up a good point, though," McGonagall said. "You look like a real person, not one of those Mary-Sues. But looks can be deceiving. Do you have any magical powers?
"No."
"Any evil characters stalking you?" Snape asked.
"None."
"Related to Voldemort?" someone called out.
"Or Dumbledore?" another added.
"Or the Weasleys?"
"Or the Malfoys?"
"Or any established character?"
"No, no, no, no, and no."
"Ever glomp anyone?"
"Not that I know of."
"Ever been glomped?" Everyone turned. Peter sunk sheepishly back into his seat, adding "I just wanted to know."
"No, I've never been glomped. Actually, glomping isn't even possible outside of Inter Net," Nari told him.
"So this is your first time in Inter Net?" Snape asked.
"Physically, yes. I've been in the Fandom before, and in the Fandom of Middle Earth, but only from the other side of my computer."
"Are you part-veela?" Bill asked. Fleur looked pointedly first at herself, then at Nari, and finally stared at Bill as if he were crazy.
"Uh, no," Nari said, trying not to sound too condescending.
"Hssss Hssissysis?" Nagini hissed, poking her head up from where she was curled up under Voldemort's seat.
"What?" Nari said.
"'Do you speak parseltongue,'" Voldemort translated. "I guess that answers that."
"I don't think she's a Mary-Sue," Lupin said, speaking for the first time. Nari, despite all her common sense, squealed. Lupin immediately jumped up, pulled his wand out and held it protectively between Nari and himself. Tonks did the same, glaring at Nari and placing her hand possessively on Lupin's arm. Next to them, Sirius sighed loudly in relief.
"Sorry she likes you, mate," he said to Remus. "You know, with you being married and all. But at least she's not a Sirius fan." Booming laughter came from the ceiling as Jellicle-in-the-Box (a.k.a. the narrator) laughed at the pun. An awkward silence followed.
"…"
"…"
"…"
Dumbledore cleared his throat and the courtroom seemed to come alive again. Everyone looked to him to see what they should do. He stood up and addressed Nari-chan.
"So, you like Lupin?"
"Yes," Nari admitted. "But I don't want him to suddenly fall in love with me. I want him to be with Tonks. They belong together." Everyone in the room 'aww'ed. Lupin and Tonks smiled at each other, lowered their wands, and sat back down, Tonks' head on Lupin's shoulder.
"Wait, wait, wait!" Lucius Malfoy protested. "If she's not a Mary-Sue, and she's not an obsessive fangirl, is there anything special about her? She's a MUGGLE, for crying out loud! Give me one reason why we shouldn't kill her."
"It's my birthday," Nari offered.
"Good enough!" Voldemort said and motioned to the rest of the court. The room exploded into cheers and songs. Wormtail, Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs formed a barbershop quartet, gladly bellowing "Happy Birthday," unsynchronized and off key. Fred and George joined in, just adding to the ruckus. Dumbledore tried to send the lyrics up in ribbons from the tip of his wand, but ended up writing the lyrics to the Hogwarts Song instead. Everyone knew them anyway. Nari-chan beamed.
When the singing quieted, Bellatrix spoke. "If we let her celebrate her, will she go quietly back to her world?" Nari nodded enthusiastically, her eyes wide and shiny.
"If that's the case," Tonks said, grinning at Lupin. "Let's give her a birthday she'll never forget!"
.:CUE MONTAGE MUSIC:.
Harry, James, and all the Weasleys (barring Percy) took Nari to the Quidditch pitch and helped her up on a broom. With her long hours of softball practice, she was a natural chaser. She even scored against Ron, though she suspected he had let the ball through on purpose. She didn't care either way.
-:-
Hagrid led Nari to the edge of the Forbidden Forest and whistled. A unicorn came trotting out, its silvery mane billowing as it came right up to Nari and sniffed her hand, Nari ran her fingers through its pure white fur and over its shiny horn, and it neighed gently and nuzzled her hand.
-:-
Voldemort and Bellatrix offered to let her help them torture muggles, but Nari politely refused.
-:-
Professor McGonagall brought Nari to Dumbledore's office, where the girl sat down on a stool and proudly placed the Sorting Hat on her head. (Actually, the Hat had called out "Ravencl—WAIT, IT'S A MUGGLE! AHH! Cooties! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew…" until McGonagall pulled it from her head. Apologizing profusely, McGonagall gave Nari one of Dumbledore's lemon drops to make up for it before sending Nari to the next montage vignette).
-:-
Sirius, James, and (to Nari's great pleasure) Remus froze the whomping willow with a long stick. Peter was hanging with Voldemort and didn't feel like a trip out of bounds.
When the group emerged from the Shrieking Shack and walked to Hogsmeade, the Marauders took Nari strait to Zonko's. After Nari had seen her share of jokes and pranks, she and Lupin left the shop. Sirius and James stayed behind, fighting with a handful each of dungbombs that they were throwing at each other. Lupin walked with Nari to Honeydukes. Upon entering the shop, Nari's eyes glazed over. She spun round and round, trying to take it all in. When Lupin put a hand on her shoulder, she jumped.
"Eat anything you want," he murmured into her ear, sounding like an uncle eager to spoil his niece when the parents were away. Nari ran for the first display she saw, Chocolate Frogs, and grabbed three. One managed to hop away, but she enjoyed the other two. While she read the wizards cards, Lupin explained the situation to the shopkeeper. The kind old man agreed to let her have a free shopping spree as a birthday gift. He and Lupin watched with indulgent smiles as she flew through the shop and the wrappers on the floor piled up.
-:-
Nari-Chan sat by the lake with Lupin and Tonks, watching the sunset. She looked from one to the other before saying, "It really was a great day." Lupin and Tonks smiled.
"It sure was," they agreed.
.:END MONTAGE:.
Nari was scared to go to sleep. She was in a huge, four poster bed in the Gryffindor girl's dormitory. She was afraid that if she fell asleep, she would wake up at home, finding out that the entire day had been only a dream. But her eyelids were drooping, and she could no longer resist.
Nari was woken up the next morning by a yowl as a huge orange cat jumped onto her bed.
"Crookshanks!" she cried, her joy at still being in the Potter Fandom canceling out any annoyance. It wasn't a dream. Her perfect birthday had really happened.
Hermione and Ginny helped Nari get to breakfast in the Great Hall. As soon as she was done eating, Dumbledore appeared behind her.
"You must go home now," he told her gently. Nari nodded. She stood up and followed him to his office.
"I never want to forget this," she confided in Dumbledore.
"You won't," he assured her. "Besides, this story will always be here for you, anytime you miss it. Just give this fic a read, and you'll know that somewhere, far away in Inter Net, we're thinking of you too." Nari-chan threw herself at Dumbledore, hugging him tightly. Then she stepped back and stood, wiping away a few tears.
"I'm ready," she said. Dumbledore raised his wand and whispered the incantation.
"Intermagus Navigabis."
Nari-chan SND woke with a start. She was sitting at her computer, her head on her keyboard.
"It was just a dream," she whispered in disbelief. Tears threatened to overflow from her eyes and made the screen blur. But then she blinked, for the screen was different than before. Where before there had been a big red button and instructions, there was only a story. Skimming through the very familiar story, Nari-chan took comfort in the bold, italicized, underlined words at the bottom.
IT WAS NOT A DREAM
.:the end:.