A/N: "Safe and Sound" (Capital Cities) – hence the title – inspired me to write this little story. I was listening to the song when the idea suddenly popped up in my head and wouldn't let go anymore. So, here is my little take on how, after she decided to become her other self again, Olivia continues to remember the past that she didn't have in the Amber timeline. I kind of like to imagine that, after the biggest chunk of her memories returned in "A Better Human Being", the rest would surely follow in random bits and pieces, making her re-live some of what she went through - the good moments but also the bad.
It's the first time that I dare to venture into the amazing Fringe fandom and while I am aware that this little piece surely is far from perfect, I do hope it still makes for a lovely read.
And, of course, I hope you enjoy.
TiaKisu. :)
Disclaimer: Obviously, I don't own Fringe and most likely I never will, either. I just borrow them amazing characters and promise to return them once I am done playing with'em.
Safe and Sound
Your fingers dig deep into his skin as you hold onto him like he is the only thing that can keep you from falling.
You awoke in the middle of a dream, your own cries tearing you from what you are aware is more than a nightly vision.
It's a memory of a past that was yours in another life – in another course of time.
You knew it would catch up with you eventually, knew that there was still something hiding itself in the depths of your changing mind. It was looming large above you ever since you decided to let go and give up on who you were in this reality only to become the one you somehow know you should be.
The choice - you made it deliberately, feeling how you longed for this other past despite the darkness it held.
You longed for it because you had never felt as safe and as complete as you did when he was around.
Even when you didn't yet remember him, when everything that was written in his eyes scared you because you didn't understand where it originated from – when you and he were strangers still, stuck with each other while he tried to get back to a home you had troubles imagening – even then he altered your view on the world, showed you all what you were missing, all what you could have if only you would remember.
And so, at last, you did just that, allowed this other voice in your head to grow stronger until your own memories were fading.
Now you barely recall all those things which were so very different in this life that was devoid of his presence, barely recall that in this current timeline he never survived.
For you, Peter's been at your side for the last four years – he was there when John died and when you found out about your powers.
For you, he's showed you how to trust again and how to truly smile. He's your home, your haven and even though you still don't know just how it is possible that you can remember, you are grateful that you do.
But you are paying a high price for this past that is now yours again.
You have had flashbacks that were so vivid they confused you at first - random images that pulled you back into a reality you never experienced.
They came to you without warning, making you doubt who you really are until you understood their meaning. After that you accepted them as part of the process that you couldn't and didn't want to stop, no matter the consequences of your decision. And since then they have mainly come in the night, small details recovering as you were sleeping, completing the picture of the life you were trying to regain.
Mostly they were little bits and pieces – of Walter and Astrid working in the lab, of the cases that you solved together. Of you and Peter, and what you gained when at last you had let each other in.
But with the beloved memories, there also came the dark.
How in this other timeline you didn't shoot your stepdad, bearing the scar of his oppressing presence throughout all your teenage and even your adult years – a scar you are now wearing again even though you know that in this world he could never send you any cards for your birthday.
How you didn't notice when Charlie had been replaced by a shape-shifter, believing that your assassin perished in that cellar only to learn of the bitter truth in the worst possible way - leaving you to feel like your friend died at your very hand.
How you were betrayed by the only one you trusted blindly – losing everything at once, before you even had it.
Remembering these things was hurtful to you, more than you would have thought, but you got through it, reminding yourself of what you were retrieving them for.
You had expected dire moments to resurface and so it was no surprise when eventually they did.
What you weren't prepared for however is all that which came back to you tonight:
The cold.
The bitter pain.
The certainty that you are about to die right there and then.
Even as you lie in his arms, a fragile version of yourself that is shaking with the effort to hold back the tears that burn so mercilessly in your eyes, you feel the markings on your skin: The lines that show where you are to be cut open – butchered alive because this way you are of more value to their scientists.
They feel so real to you just as if you were wearing them right now; feel as real as the cool tiles beneath your feet which froze you when you wore nothing but a thin hospital gown.
All the weeks you spent as their captive are crashing down on you in a matter of seconds, making you live through torture and despair when you should be content and warm.
Only as if from afar Peter's voice is reaching you. He's whispering words of comfort but even though his lips are almost touching your left ear you have troubles hearing them.
They are muted by your own screams that echo in your head, and by the silence of the prison cell.
Right now your breath is coming in shuddered gasps, your fight for control exhausting your body more quickly than you had ever deemed possible.
Next to you Peter is starting to tremble as well, his worry for you showing in his every move.
You know that in this other life you had eventually told him of what his father had done to you, but never had you let him know just how much you had hurt inside, had never shared all the cruel details because you had made a promise to help end the war.
It had been too easy hiding the pain when you both were on the verge of losing yourselves in the aftermath of your time Over There. And when you had finally talked again, truly talked about the things that move you both, you had already learned how to handle the memory – knew that the wound was healing.
But now all that is gone, replaced by the fear and desperation that also washed over you when Walternate's men pulled you out of that tank.
Instinctively you bury your forehead deep under Peter's chin, clinging to him as if to a lifeline. His arms are circled around you, drawing you to him in an attempt to shield you from your dreams.
In your chest your heart is beating painfully, aching with the burden of a past that got erased. You try to focus on his scent, will yourself to concentrate on him when to you the world is shattering.
The warmth he has to offer envelops you and ever so slowly it leads you away from the nightmare that once was real.
His voice is a whisper in your mind now, bearing the same message that in another life you made it carry as well.
'You have to remember who you are.'
Still your hands clutch his shirt, your nails leaving angry traces where they are pressed against his skin. A shiver is running down your spine as your head is spinning, your ears finally accepting his words again.
By now he apologizes, over and over again, thinks he is responsible for that you are going through this; that you would be alright if only he had not wanted to have you back.
Without even demanding it to, your head shakes weakly at the notion, the thought being ridiculous to you.
Even though you are bathed in sweat, even if more memories like this one were to overwhelm you, you would still choose him over not knowing. Because even though you are shaking with the bitter pain of a scar that is being ripped open and inflicted anew both at the same time, he is there for you, offering you a home to return to and keeping you safe.
As finally your throat stops constricting and your breathing becomes more even you shift your head to lie against his collar bone.
His own heartbeat, though frantic, is soothing to you and soon you feel your fingers unbend slightly. You are aware that you lean heavily against him but he doesn't seem to mind, his right hand now stroking your hair gently while he breathes against it.
"I'm sorry", he mumbles again and this time you can answer him.
"Not your fault", you whisper, your voice low and rough.
You would like to tell him more, tell him of how this is a part of who you are and were – a part of who the two of you are together – but your lips are failing you. And so you just rest against him, allowing your tired body to draw strength from his presence.
For how long the two of you stay like this, you do not know. But at last the tension subsides, sleep re-claiming you while Peter still holds onto you, not letting go.
The clock stands at three when last you look at it, eventually succumbing to exhaustion.
This time your dreams do not come to haunt you for even in your sleep you can feel him next to you, reminding you of where you belong and why you want to remember. And as if to indemnify you for the pain, in this night another memory returns:
One of waking up beside him, with his body spooned against your back - one arm slung protectively around your waist.
In that dream you can see yourself smile because for the first time since your father had died, after all the dark that you had seen, after all what you had to endure you felt happy.
Truly happy.
And safe.
It is what you had almost given up hope on ever finding – is all what you have always wished for.
And at last you got it back.