This is the first time I upload something on and also the first time I write in english. English is obviously not my first language. No beta. If someone is willing to beta, please do let me know xD Thanks for reading.
She was going to leave him. He felt it in his guts when she appeared at the doorframe with that gentle curve on her lips.
- I'm going out Mr Carson - she informed him - Do you need anything from the village?
He already made a fool of himself the other day when she told him about that... man. So he clenched his jaw and shook his head: - No, thank you Mrs Hughes. Will you be back in time for dinner? - he asked instead, the hope out of his voice.
- I think so. - was her reply. Then, without further explanation she left his pantry, wearing gloves, her sunday dress and a new hat.
She was going to leave him. He was sure.
He did encourage her.
Long time since you took a night off
He didn't expect it. He didn't even think she had a suitor, a man from the past, came out of nowhere to claim her...
I was right when I said she looked sparkly eyed
Who was that round red faced farmer anyway? Where was he the past 15 years? Had she ever thought about him? He should have noticed her new hat and the coat and the unusual night off to the fair. The way she clenched at the doll, the little smile and the light in her eyes while she spoke about him...
He was still a nice man. He is still a nice man
And he knew she longed for more than this.
Do you ever wish you'd gone another way?
She deserved her happiness.
He shook his head again. He was being selfish, he had his chance at changing his life for the better when all he knew was the stage and she'd be a good wife, he was certain. He shouldn't think about it, it wasn't appropriate... He stood and paced the lenght of the room, stopping at the door where she'd been a minute before.
She'd be gone for one night and everything was up in the air, how could they manage without her? How could he? He envisioned lonley nights wasting good wine down the drain and sipping tasteless tea, reading a book, perhaps. But then again, if she wasn't happy with her life at Downton how could he hope for her to stay? He knew William already told her, but how could he ask her to stay?
He wouldn't.
- Mrs Hughes - he called after her.
She turned around, hand already on the doorknob as he hurried at the end of the corridor.
- I just wanted to say - he began, and then lost his words, continuing quiter - It's a once in a lifetime chance.
She tilted her head on the side and bat her lashes with a puzzled expression. He sighed and lost a bit of will thinking he would never be the one smoothing those wrinkles.
- I mean - he started again - 20 years ago, I had the chance to decide about my future and I've been brave enough to accept a position at Downton. It's something that happens once in a lifetime, Mrs Hughes, and I wouldn't want you to waste yours out of duty or...
He never finished that sentence. She parted her lips but she said nothing. They stood face to face, her hand on the doorknob, his heart on the floor, when she finally took a step back and excused herself out.
That night he'd been too busy with dinner when she came back and when the family retired for the night her sitting room was already dark. He sighed and sat heavily at his desk, deciding a little extra work would help getting rid of the feeling of emptiness that haunted him since that afternoon.
He should get used to it, he thought, whoever came to replace her would never be the same. He saw people come and go in 20 years of service but he never lost a friend before... He smiled at himself, at his self delusional wording.
- Mr Carson - called her voice from the corridor.
He lift his eyes just in time to get a glimpse of her serious face before she turned to close the door behind her. The keys hanging from her dress clinking as she approached his desk.
Since when was he so used to have her around? He didn't even notice her familiar steps outside his pantry, or her shadow on the tiles, her scent in the air whenever she was close... He did now. And already missed it.
- Mr Carson, - she called again - do you have a minute?
He motioned for her to sit in front of him: - Of course, I thought you already retired to bed Mrs Hughes.
She sat with a sigh and studied her hands while he thought for the first time that she was indeed tired, much like him. Her lips pursed, her brow forrowed, the thought perhaps this was the first time he noticed time had passed for her too choked his next words. She was never more beautiful.
Then she spoke: - I met Joe again this afternoon.
His heart tightened. And loosend and tightened again and loosened again, and he was frightened by the realization he never knew he had a heart before Elsie Hughes spoke about another man. Nonetheless he encouraged her: - And he proposed and you accepted?
She met his eyes for the first time and shook his head lightly, letting a lock of her hair escape its restrictions.
- In many ways I wanted to accept - she said - but what you told me today, before I left...
He frantically tried to recall what had been a dreadfull moment in the history of dreadfull moments in Carson's life and grimaced: something about life changing choices and carpe diem and digging his own grave...
- You see, - she continued - I had my life changing choice. - Her eyes were so bright and her lips pressed together like she didn't want those words to come out. He found her fascinating. The way she tormented her fingers on her lap, her accent when she spoke those last words, the way she leaned closer for just a second... - fifteen years ago, when I came to Downton. I chose to be in service instead of marrying him and work at the farm. That's what changed my life. And I chose it.
He paused, his grief on the tip of his tongue swallowed back to leave him a dry mouth, and he sat straight, overcome by surprise, staring at her tilting her head. She wasn't leaving after all. She wasn't leaving and his life as he knew it wasn't over. Or perhaps it was. He didn't expect to feel as dizzy with happiness.
She followed his eyes even when he rose from his seat with what he supposed a puzzled look on his face because she tilted her head to the other side.
- I gather you won't be leaving us after all - he whispered with raised brows when he moved on her side of the desk.
She smiled. A full smile, going right up to light her eyes and she stood in front of him.
- Leaving, - she whispered back leaning closer - when would I ever find the time? - she took his hand, gave it a little squeeze - I've changed Mr Carson. I'm not that farm girl anymore. - she admitted with a glimpse of nostalgia in her eyes.
He smiled a shy smile and squeezed her hand back, trapping her slender fingers in his. Not the callused hand of a farmer, he noticed for the first time.
- Life altered you as it altered me. - he realized. He fought so hard to forget those times on the stages, creating a future erasing a past, pretending he was running on a straight line instead of jumping ropes, that he never stopped to think she came from somewhere too: a farm far away, another life before service, before downton, before him. He felt like a new man. How did he not notice before?
He smiled shily at her curious blue eyes and added: - And what would be the point of living if we didn't let life change us.