Highland Man, a glee fanfic

Summary: David, where's your trousers?

Disclaimer: Not mine. Glee, the Ambiguously Gay Duo, classic Celtic songs... none of it belongs to me!

A/N: Okay, so I was listening to the song 'The Scotsman' (lyrics at the end of the fic) and just had a 'I have to write this as Kurtofsky!' moment. And then I was listening to 'Donald Where's Your Trousers,' y'know for inspiration. And then suddenly the SNL sketch the Ambiguously Gay Duo popped into my head and I couldn't get it out. If you don't know what the Ambiguously Gay Duo is look 'em up on youtube and you will understand the penis car jokes, LOL. The lyrics to 'The Scotsman' can be found at the bottom of the story.

Highland Man

Puck laughed loudly, teetering around madly as he chugged down yet another beer. "WE WON!"

This announcement was greeted by a loud cheer, making Finn pout as he stumbled slightly in protest, clutching hard at his beer. No fair. *He* wanted a cheer!

"WE WON!" Finn shouted, grinning broadly as *his* announcement was greeted by a loud cheer.

Mike scowled a little at Finn, then put his hands on his hips defiantly. "WE WON!" The boy grinned as his announcement was also greeted by a loud cheer.

"Yeah," Sam muttered as he sat back on the couch, sipping at a cup of water. "Y'know, just so we're all *clear* on that." He looked bored which was totally weird because this party was *rockin'*. And swinning, too, but that was only because everything kept kind of tipping from side to side. Big Mouth Blonde had been prissy again, refusing to drink. Something about not wanting a beer belly before twenty-one. Hmph. Stick in the mud.

Finn crossed his arms and frowned down at the boy, his face set in a no-nonsense look. Maybe. Probably. It felt pretty no-nonsense anyway. "You won *too*, Sammy Whammy Bomb Bammy! Aren't you 'cited?"

The boy raised an eyebrow, looking at him in disbelief, even as he became three Sams and then reunitited into one again. That was a cool trick. Maybe it was, like, a super power. Sam sort of looked like the superhero dude from that Saturday Night Live cartoon... what was it? Oh yeah, the Ambiguously Gay Duo. He had the hard pecs and all. Finn wondered idly if he had a penis car.

"Yes, Finn," Sam said dryly. "I am very, very excited. But that is the twenty-seventh time you, Puck, and Mike have all announced that we won. In a row. I was counting."

"Hey," Artie said, wheeling up in a rather haphazard way. "Cheer up! This is the first time the Titans have won shit since the Olympians took down Cronus, man!"

Finn blinked. They had gone to the Olympics? Why hadn't he been invited? "We were in the Olympics? For what?" Finn asked, confused.

"Probably for the student body's amazing ability to taste the subtle variations in three hundred flavors of colored ice," Sam said with a snort.

Artie scowled and waved his beer in the air. "No, silly! The Titans were gods! And, then, like, the Olympic god people things took 'em doooown!"

"Really?" Finn said, interested despite the fact that Artie's face kept fading in and out. Strange how he did that. "I thought it, was, like, the past tense of Tide. You know, since Tide can get the stains out of anything. Seriously, it's the toughest of laundry soap."

"You know, Finn, as much as I like you, sometimes I wonder if you aren't actually an alien from another planet trying to fit into human culture and failing pitifully."

Finn spent a few moments trying to process these deep words of the Sammy Whammy Bomb Bammy, then decided it was easier to just smile widely. "But you know what? WE WON!"

This announcement was greeted by another loud cheer and Sam rolled his eyes. That looked kind of cool. Finn tried to roll *his* eyes, but it sort of made him want to vomit so he stopped. He studied Sam intently, watching as the other boy stretched, causing his big muscles to contract. Very superhero like. He needed some tights or something.

"Hey," Finn said suddenly, looking seriously at Sam. "Do you have a penis car?"

Sam's big mouth got even bigger and Finn's eyes widened. Now THAT was a super power. He wondered idly how many penis cars would fit in there.

"Hey, 'as anyone see Dave?" Azimio asked as he magically appeared from nowhere, stumbling into Finn.

"Do you think Sam has a penis car, Azimio?"

The boy blinked, then furrowed his brow. "Hm. I dunno. You got a penis car, Evans?"

"You and Dave are kinda like the Ambiguously Gay Duo," Finn put in, smiling happily. "You, like, appear outta nowhere and I think maybe you're kinda attached to Dave's ass."

Azimio frowned, cocking his head to the side, as he gazed thoughtfully at Finn. "Huh. I don't think so, dude," he said, his words sort of slurred. "I mean, we don't got no penis car."

"I swear to God, if I hear the word 'penis car' one more time, I am going to get a sex change just so I never have to have this conversation again."

The two boys glanced back over at Sam, frowning.

"Wha's his problem?" Azimio asked.

Finn reached out and patted Sam on the head. "He's just sad he's not in his penis car."

Sam stood abruptly. "Excuse me, I have to go cut off my dick now."

"There's some Band-Aids in the bathroom," Azimio said helpfully, teetering a little as he waved.

Finn stared after the boy, frowning. "How come he can become three people?"

"Dude. Cause he's Ambiguously Gay, 'member?"

Finn wrinkled his nose. "His member? That *is* gay." He tried to shake his head, but it sort of made him want to vomit so he stopped. "What you want Azimio?"

"I'm lookin' for Daaave." The large boy leaned forward, studying Finn's face intently, the tips of their noses almost touching. Wow, Azimio could become two people. Not as cool as three, but totally better than one. "Hi Hudson. Are you Dave?"

Finn frowned, puzzling this over. "Nope!" he announced after some deep thought, a big grin on his face. That had been a tough question.

"Huh," Azimio said, looking around. "Where'd he go?"

"Maybe Sam took him for a ride in his penis car," Finn suggested, smiling. "Or maybe he went to hell. Dat's where Kurt says he needs to go." He shugged. "So maybe he went there?"

"Maybe… but he don't got a hand basket. Don't you gotta have a hand basket to go to hell?"

"I dunno. Maybe he could make it there in a penis car?"

The front door suddenly slammed open with enough force that Finn was pretty sure it had to have been Ace from the Ambiguously Gay Duo who did it. That man could pound.

"HELLO, BOYS!" a keg shouted in a loud, kind of drunken voice. Finn's eyes widened. Wow. A talking keg. Very cool. The keg stumbled through the door, revealing the fact that it was apparently mating with Dave Karofsky as he grinned widely.

"There's Dave," Finn said helpfully, pointing. "I hope he used protection. I think kegs are like hot tubs when it comes to getting knocked up."

The boy stumbled across the room, keg in his arms, laughing loudly as he toppled forward, dumping it onto the table with a bang. "Who's up for ale?" A wide grin. "'Cause I broughts you a cask! HAHA!" He whirled around in a drunken little dance and Finn's eyes widened.

"Are you a chick now, Dave?" he asked, confused. The boy tumbled over toward them, grinning. "What you mean, Hudson?"

Azimio burst into sudden laughter that momentarily halted as he fell flat on his face, then resumed again as he managed to pushed himself up, pointing as he laughed. "David, where's your *trousers*?"

Dave snickered and stumbled over to his buddy, grabbing his hand and yanking him into a mostly-upright state. "I ain't *wearin'* no trousers!" He slapped him on the back, grinning.

"No, shit," Puck interjected, laughing. "You got no paaants!"

"Yo, am I hallucinating or are you wearin' a plaid skirt, brotha?" Azimio questioned as he tilted one way and then the other, waving in Dave's general direction.

"Hey," Dave said, sounding offnded. "Dude, it's totally a kilt! Very manly! REAL MEN WEAR KILTS!" He smacked a hand down on his chest in a very strong, caveman-ish way and Finn smiled happily. Dave and Azimio really would make a good Ambiguously Gay Duo.

"Now, let's tap this thing," Dave slapped a hand down on the keg, "and get us some drink! Then we can do something cool, awesome, funish!"

Azimio furrowed his brow. "Like what?"

"We could ride in a penis car!" Finn said with a grin, eliciting a loud cheer from all the guys.

"No, man, we can't do that," Azimio said, looking disappointed. "Evans left, remember? He went to hack his cock off. I'm sure he took his penis car with him." He shook his head sadly.

Dave frowned for a moment, then smiled happily, eyes bright. "Hey, I know what would be AWESOMEISH! Let's go TP the pretty, cutesy, sweetie, fancy, sparkly, pretty, prancy, dancy, cutesy, pretty, fancy, sparkly, sweetie princess boy's house!"

There was a long silence as the room tried to decipher that, glancing at one another and shrugging.

"Kurt's house," Azimio translated after a moment, eliciting a bunch of 'aaaahs' and 'okays,' followed by loud cheering and some stomping of feet on the side.

Finn bit his lip. There was something wrong with that… A reason that it would be bad to do that... Oh yeah. "Hey, I live there too, now!" he protested. "And I can't turn into more than one person so it'd take forever for me to get the paper down! My stepdad says that I'm not allowed to use toilet paper for anything anymore except wipe poop out of my buttcrack!"

Dave tipped slightly as he moved over to Finn, swinging an arm around his shoulders. "So? It'll still be FUN! And you can use it to wipe poop out later! So you can say, dad-I did wipe poop with it!"

Finn blinked. A good point. Really, who could fight logic like that? He smiled brightly and raised his glass. "Let's do it—cause WE WON!"

This announcement was greeted by a *very* loud cheer.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

"Oh, for the love of God!" Kurt snapped as he pulled the car into the driveway, staring out furiously at the toilet paper hanging from the dark silhouettes of the trees. God, it looked like a poor person's version of Christmas tinsel. He smacked his hand down on the steering wheel in annoyance. Damn the football team and their childish pranks. "You'd think with Finn living here they'd stop doing this stuff. I swear, one of these days I am going to kick that boy's butt so far he'll be flying through the goalposts at the Astrodome!"

Mercedes shook her head, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder as he put the car in park, turning off the engine. "Aw, Kurt. You can't blame Finn." She unfastened her seatbelt and began to climb out of the car. "It's not his fault that the other jocks on the team are assholes. It's not like he did it *himself*—WHOA!" She staggered and then disappeared behind the car with a shout and a thud.

"Mercedes!" Kurt yelped, slamming his door shut and moving around to the other side of the car. "Are you okay? What hap—"

He cut off abruptly as he stared down at his friend, who was sitting in the grass with eyes wide, looking like she was trying not to laugh as she gaped at the two big lumps lying in front of her on the lawn.

Kurt's eyes narrowed and he smoothed out his bangs in a furious motion. Oh, Finn was going to be *so* dead. As in buried six feet under, Rot In Pieces dead.

Well, he would be if he wasn't dead *already*, a real possibility considering that he was laying face down in the dirt, unmoving. Nope, his chest was moving. Unlucky for him. "What the hell?" he muttered as he kicked a roll of toilet paper away from his step-brother's hand. The little bastard.

Mercedes shook her head in disbelief, pushing herself to her feet as she looked over the *someones* who had tripped her with their big, unconscious bodies. "Okay, maybe Finn shouldn't get off all that easily. But, seriously, what kind of moron toilet papers his own house?" She frowned, looking over the figure lying next to Finn, chest up, his face turned to one side. "Is that Dave Karofsky?"

Kurt's face flamed. Talk bout ultimate betrayal. "It damn well better not be," he said as he clicked the little unlock button on his key, causing the headlights to come on. "If Finn has actually been hanging out with that creep—state football title or no damn state football title—I'm gonna—" He cut off abruptly as he got a good look at the other boy lying there with a mostly empty pack of Charmin Ultra clutched to his chest. He blinked. Then he blinked again. Still there. Okay, time to double check his sanity "Mercedes," he said as pleasantly as he could, "am I hallucinating or is Karofsky wearing a kilt?"

"Funny, I was just about to ask you that, Kurt," Mercedes said in an equally collected voice.

There was a long pause then they both burst into laughter.

"Dear God," Kurt said, wiping tears from his eyes. "Okay, where am I and what happened to reality?"

Mercedes snickered. "It ran off with Karofsky's trousers. They're taking their honeymoon in Scotland." She shook her head. "Should we drag them inside?"

Kurt snorted. Let them wake up to a face full of mud and a crotch full of fire ants. "They can sleep it off here. Better they puke in the bushes than on my angora toilet seat cover."

They stared in silence for another moment before Mercedes burst into laughter again. "Dave Karofsky. In a kilt."

"I didn't realize Karofsky was a Scottish name," Kurt said dryly, holding back his own laughter. "But I guess that makes sense—a Neanderthal like him probably spends a lot of time tugging on his own bagpipes."

Mercedes made a face, then turned back to study the pair, eyebrow raised. "Huh. I wonder if it's true?"

Kurt looked at her, suspicious of the wicked look that had just come across her not-always-angelic her features. "If what's true?"

"You know," she said, way too innocently. "What they don't wear beneath the kilt."

Kurt burst into laughter at that, then shot her his own version of a wicked grin. "You know what, Mercedes? I think we should find out!" Without warning he moved forward and grabbed at the hem of Karofsky's kilt, yanking it upward.

Mercedes squealed loudly and covered her eyes, peeking through her fingers, then closing them again. "Kurt!"

He laughed loudly and grabbed at Mercedes' wrist, pulling it away as she shrieked in protest. "Looks like the stories are true! Nothing more than God graced him with upon his birth!" And God had graced him well, he noted, then smacked himself mentally for even thinking it. Even if it was true. From a totally clinical perspective, of course.

They marveled at it for a moment, giggling, then Mercedes covered her eyes again, a big grin still on her face. "C'mon, Kurt! Let's just go!"

Oh, hell no was he going to let *this* opportunity slip away. He had to do *something*... But if he did anything and Karofsky *realized* he'd done it, he'd be dead for sure. An idea flashed through is mind and he grinned, resisting the urge to rub his hands together in a bad imitation of an evil overlord. "Hm," he said sweetly. "I think we need to leave a present for our friend before we go." He reached up and tugged at his bow-tie, carefully pulling it free of his collar.

Mercedes frowned. "What do you mean?"

Kurt just smirked up at her then leaned forward over Karofsky's still body, carefully reached downward. Oh, yeah. This was *perfect.*

"What are you *doing* Kurt?" Mercedes yelped as his hand wrapped around Karofsky's... nether parts.

He glanced up at her, winking as he slipped the blue silk around the base of Karofsky's dick. "It's just a present, Mercedes!" He snickered. "See? It even has a bow!" He quickly tied it up and leaned back, revealing his handiwork. He always had been a good gift-wrapper.

"Oh. My. God!" Mercedes choked out, doubling over with laughter. "You are so bad! But you can't leave that! Karofsky will kill you!"

Kurt sniffed. "Please. He'll just think one of his drinking buddies did it."

"It's a *bow-tie*, Kurt. Signature, much?"

"As if a Neanderthal like him can tell a bow-tie from a scrunchie." Kurt flipped the kilt back down with a satisfied smile. "That'll teach him to wear a kilt in Kurt's neighborhood—all man-skirt rights were granted to *me* years ago!"

oooooooooooooooooooooo

Finn groaned as his eyes fluttered open. God, why was there so much light? What was that big blob of—oh, it was the sun. Right. He sat up slowly, his head pounding. Where the hell was he? He glanced around as best he could without actually vomiting, his eyes widening as he saw the toilet paper draped trees. *His* trees. Oh, man, he was *so* dead. If he wasn't dead already. Could zombies feel pain? Because he kind of felt like a zombie, but he also *really* ached all over and the mud on his face wasn't making him feel much better, either.

There was a grunting noise beside him and Finn turned, gripping his head as it began to spin. Dammit. Why did he do these things to himself. He took a deep breath, turning more slowly this time, and his eyes widened when he saw Dave Karofsky sitting a few feet away, rubbing at his own head and looking rather ill. Finn's temper flared. What the *fuck* was Karofsky doing here? Was he here to torment Kurt? Was he planning to—

Finn's thoughts were cut off as Dave stumbled to his feet, his mouth dropping open as he took in Karofsky's... look. "Shit! Karofsky, where's your trousers?"

The other boy blinked, confusion passing over his face before he glanced down, eyes widening. He blinked. And blinked again. Finn smirked. Sorry, buddy, but it wasn't going to go away.

"Uuuh… huh. Yeah. Wow. Okay." he paused. You know what? I gotta piss." Apparently this was all the explanation Finn was going to get, because Karofsky just stumbled over a few feet, leaning up against one of the trees as he yanked up his kilt.

Finn cringed and started to look away when something caught his eye. Oh dear mother of God. What in the hell...

He and Karofsky both stared at the piece of blue silk wrapped in a neat, pretty bow around his cock for a long time before Finn doubled over in laughter. Oh this was *way* too good. Wait until the boys heard about this!

When he was finally able to breathe again, Finn stumbled to his feet, moving over to slap Karofsky lightly in the shoulder.

"Dude," he said through his laughter, "I don't know where you've been, but I see you won first prize!"

There was a short silence then they both burst into laughter, leaning against each other for support as their shoulders shook and tears ran down their cheeks.

God, this was just too funny-

DAMMIT! Finn grabbed at his head as a loud honking noise came from behind them. Karofsky was reacting similarly, moaning and rocking back and forth as the noise continued. Finn whirled around as fast as a totally hungover person could, ready to rip a new one in whatever jerk had decided to make his brain explode, then winced as he saw a very much dressed-for-practice Sam Evans hanging out of the window of his car waving cheerfully. "Hey, boys!" he called out much too loudly, making for a psychic moment as Finn glanced at Karofsky and they silently agreed to grind the boy into a pulp. "Coach Beiste heard about your antics last night and she says that we're going to be doing wind sprints from here to Olympia-and no, Finn, that is not the name of a laundromat." He smirked. "So, the penis car is here to pick you up and it's ready for a ride." Finn and Karofsky exchanged a hateful glance. Damn Sam and his love of water. "This sucks," Karofsky muttered, rubbing at his forehead. Finn snorted. "Well," he said dryly, "at least we get to ride in the penis car." The other boy grunted. "Glad something good is coming out of this mess." He glanced over at Finn, a cruel smirk passing over his face. "I just hope your stepdaddy doesn't actually make you use this stuff to wipe your buttcrack, man." Finn blinked, then glanced around at the paper covered bushes. Oh, *shit.* Literally.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurt walked down the hallway, smiling in a very superior way. But then, why wouldn't he be, after last night. Oh what he wouldn't have given to see the look on Dave Karofsky's face when he found his little present!

"Yo, Ladyface! When did you start sharing your wardrobe with Dave, huh?"

"Yeah, dude, don't be givin' our boys fashion advice! He looks like Pee Wee Herman's overweight mama!" Loud laughter.

Kurt frowned deeply as he stared after the group of jocks. What in the world were they babbling about? Really, they were such hamhocks—he came to what would have been a screeching halt if he hadn't spent so many hours practicing his runway model spin as a child when Karofsky appeared out of absolutely nowhere, his hulking form strongly reminding Kurt of the Cookie Monster. Kurt winced. Seriously, how did he *do* that? Did he hide in a locker until he saw Kurt coming through the vents? No, that wouldn't work. Kurt barely fit in a locker these days-Karofsky would need at least three,

"What do you want, Karofsky?" he said, scowling deeply as he looked up to meet the other boy's eyes defiantly and they fell upon… a bow tie? His eyes widened. Oh, God. This was *not* good.

Karofsky just grinned down wickedly at him, those eyebrows raised in a creepily amused manner. "Oh, nothin' much." He reached up, straightening the little blue bow tie he was wearing with his ugly green polo shirt and letterman jacket. "I just wanted to let you know... I am a highland man through and through."

Kurt swallowed deeply and stuck his nose in the air. "I have no idea what you are babbling about."

The bigger boy shrugged. "Let's just say that I may be wearing trousers-but that doesn't mean I'm wearing pants." His lip twitched in amusement. "Oh, and just so you know... Blue is totally my color. Because this highland man *always* wins first prize." With those words he walked past Kurt, turning slightly as he reached the end of the hall, tossing a wink over his shoulder.

Kurt stared after him, mouth hanging open in shock.

Oh, dear God.

Dave Karofsky was a highland man... and he *always* won first prize.

The End.

oooooooooooooooooooo

The Scotsman

Well a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar on evening fair

And one could tell by how we walked that he drunk more than his share

He fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet

Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street