A/N: Yay! My second fic on SQUEE No I have not completely forgot about United We Stand, but I have writers block on that one, and this one is OH so much funner to write. Yes, I do have wonderful grammatical skills.
I will say this now so people don't get the wrong impression.
THIS IS NOT A MARY-SUE! If you want to read that, than go read my LiveJournal account. Infact, even if you don't want to read a Mary-Sue, go read my LiveJournal because I have all of 2 LJ buddies at the moment, which is just sad…
My sense of humor is bluntly-physcotic-crazily-random-crap most of the time, but hopefully you will find it at least slightly funny. Just incase you ask, NO I am NOT an American, but am a poor little Canadian stuck in the middle of British and American customs. I am sorry if I sound like and American, I am trying my best to learn to talk-er-write like a Brit so all you tea-drinking twits don't flame me. Jkjk! I still find it odd to use the word 'trousers' to refer to pants, but I guess in England, pants mean underwear, and I wouldn't want you all to think that I was some sick sort of pervert. Thank you thank you thank you to Procrastinator-starting2moro for betaing!
Disclaimer: I own Kayla and the plot, but anything else, is strictly JK's. Duh.
Chapter 1: Mr. Hot-and-Sexy-Trousers
Oh yes.
There he is, running his fingers through his deliciously sexy dark hair.
"Kayla? Hello…KAYLA!"
"Wha…" I turned my head to face my socially-challenged best friend Lily or Lilsies as I prefer to call her. It drives her insane, which is a truly wonderful thing. As you can see, I'm dreadfully immature myself, so therefore, socially challenged as well. No wait, scratch that. Most people find my immaturity to be a hoot. It's just the men that challenge me. And some women…
No I was so kidding just there. Yes I was. Yes I was. Yes I was. Shut up.
Lily and I are stuck in History of Magic class, which happens to be the sleeping pill from the whatevereth century, seeing as I'm not quite sure how long Binns has been around. I don't even know why I'm taking this class anyway. We're sixth years, and perfectly entitled to take whatever courses we want.
Oh yeah, now I remember. We're taking it because, really, it's a complete joke, and oh so easy to get good grades in if you even remotely pay attention, which no one bothers to anyway. Lilsies and I usually just end up staying up all night before tests and reciting our text book using funny voices for different historical figures. We make a party out of it, so it's quite fun. Don't get me wrong, we're not like that all the time. We do actually care about school, it's just that we don't really have to try in this class, so therefore, we don't.
Okay, nevermind. Lying again. Lilsies just happens to be insanely naturally intelligent. I swear she's got one of those photographic mind thingies. I, on the other hand, am dreadfully stupid. Lilsies, however, refuses to give up on me. In third year, she tied me to a chair and beat me with a spoon until I finished my potions essay. She's just given up on the corporal punishment, and moved on to more relaxed methods of tricking me into actually studying.
So seeing as I really, don't have anything better to do right now, I've been staring at the back of Sirius Black's sexy head for the last 7 minutes exactly.
No wait.
…
Eight now.
"Kayla!"
"Ow. Bitch." Dear old Lilsies just whacked me under the table with the tip of her freakishly pointy pumps. I don't even know why she wears those things anyway. They're hideous. I wonder what she'll do if I tell her so. Probably kick me even harder. Oh well, worth a try.
"Why the fuck did you kick me with your hideously ugly orthopedic weapons?" Ouch. Well, guess I was right there.
"They're not ugly! And I kicked you because you are not answering me you bum!"
"Hey, I'm not the one wearing the shoes that looked like they came from a 17th century Salvation Army shop, so I wouldn't go calling me a bum."
"Smart. Smart. Who are you staring at anyway? I could practically see drool dripping from your face. Oh, it better not be Potter! Please don't like him! I don't want to have to kill you too!"
"Eww. Potter's my good chum, that'd be like dating my cousin. Oh so now you support incest! What kind of sick garbage-collecting fool are you?"
"Stop avoiding the subject, and tell me! I'll find out anyway."
Oh yeah, that's what she thinks. I have hidden it from her for a year, and now she thinks she's gonna magically read my mind, and find out this deep dark secret which I have never told anyone, and never will.
"No one."
"Please. I know it was one of those batty old bums over there. Which one? Oh god, not Sirius. Remus maybe? Not Peter…"
See, that is exactly why I cannot tell her. That reason right there! And it's all her bloody-well fault anyway. See, I didn't really get to know Lily that well until after second year because I had hung out with some other friends most of the time. She was just an acquaintance, as were the Marauders. See, both Lilsies and I are muggleborns, and during that summer, our parents shipped us off to the same summer camp. We got to be good friends, and started hanging out more during the school year. By the end of third year, we were stuck together worse than the moon to its orbit. We went to each other's houses over the summer, and it happened to be that same summer that we discovered James's uncontrollable crush on Lily.
Even though Lily hated James because of his over-inflated ego, which he still sports proudly, I got to know him quite well because of having to constantly be messenger girl between Lily and Potter. I actually had a bit of a crush on him when I first met him, but then his true battiness came right on out, and he lost all of his small bit of cutesiness, to me anyway. I don't know a single girl between the fourth and seventh years that doesn't think that he's gorgeous, except dear mad old Lily. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he's ugly, I just think of him more as a 'partner in crime' rather than possible dating prey. But I just simply can't understand why Lily hates him so much. Other than having a balloon for a head, which, let's face it, every sixteen-year-old boy does, he's practically the male version of me. And I'm her best friend! In fact she did once tell me, that if she was a lesbian, she would totally date me…
Okay so she may have been a little tipsy because, let's face it, we all get pretty bored over the summer, so I spiked her drink one time when everyone was hanging out at my house.
Or maybe a little bit more than tipsy because I later found out that James had poured her a cup of water from the wonderfully glass water jug. Yes, the glass water jug that happened to be filled with vodka, and happened to say 'Britain's Best Fire Whiskey' on the side. But I don't blame him because I think he may have actually believed Sirius when he told him to smoke some grass that he 'honestly just found in the backyard.'
Grass my ass. My poor little house reeked for hours afterwards, and I had to pay my little brother ₤20 not to say anything to my parents! That is the one time when I have actually been reasonably angry with Mr. Sirius. My parents are police officers, and if they were to come back to a house smelling like weed, well, let's just say that I'd probably run away and throw myself in the slammer than to trust them with decent punishment. Needless to say, that was the last time I ever invited the Marauders over to my house, until the next week of course.
Somehow, during fourth year, during all the politics of teen flirting strategies, Lily became quite good friends with Sirius. I don't know how, as they have nothing in common.
Well, wait. They do have one thing, their obsession with comics. Lilsies was enthralled with the concept of the animated comics sold in wizard joke shops, and Sirius found it extremely funny that when you poked the bad guy in muggle comics, he did not breathe fire on you and scorch your finger. This along with Sirius' constant asking out of Lily for James led them to have a very strange friendship, which is why Lilsies refers to Sirius often as her 'maddeningly-annoying-prat-of-a-brother-that-she-never-had'.
Anyway, after fourth year, for Lilsies' birthday party, she invited all of her friends from school, which included Sirius, which meant that all four of the batty bums showed up on her doorstep on August 15th. Lily, stupid child that she is, decided to have a pool party in her back yard. Well, I was in the house using the ladies room, and as I walk out the patio door, I see this divine figure walking along the poolside. Then he turned around and shouted "KK's gonna join us, or do I have to use my manly physical power?"
Yes. It was Sirius.
At first I was shocked. When the hell did Sirius become…sexy?
Who was I kidding? This was the insane, crazy boy who peeped under the stalls in the girl's bathroom any time he could. He stole my bras and walked around the common room sporting them over top of his clothes, stuffed with Kleenex! I had helped him plan out new 'moves' to use on his latest fancy! I thought I must have just been going insane from all the…lack of sun exposure in the past rainy week, but sure, enough, every time I saw that bum after that, I always saw him differently. From that point on, he was no longer Sirius the perverted ass.
He was Sirius. Aka, Mr. Hot-and-Sexy-Trousers. At least in my mind he was.
"GOD DAMNIT KAYLA!"
"WHAT?"
"You haven't spoken in the past two minutes. I asked you a question!"
"Oh. Sorry."
All of last year, I hid my feelings well. Always just being friendly and nothing more. Rejection was my greatest fear. When he would give me a hug, I'd hug back, and inside, I was screaming with joy. I knew I couldn't do anything about the growing crush, because a) Lily would kill me, and b) she would kill me using violent methods.
"…know who it is! Sirius told me…found you sitting on Peter's bed…towel …"
Ok, ok, so there really is no reason apart from my own fear why I haven't done anything about it, but that is one, big reason. I know, I know, if I wanted it badly enough, than Lily's murdering of me wouldn't matter, and I should have just risked it because if it didn't work out then, fine, I could move on. But my mind doesn't work like that. The way I see it, is…
"…why!...see in him?...gross little boy…"
Stealth.
"…fat little boy…sexy?...right?"
I shall use stealth to capture the stupid boy that ran away with my heart.
"I'm right aren't I?"
That is my goal for this year. And I will set my plan in motion tonight. It's the first weekend back, so we're sure to have some sort of party. That is where I will make my move. But first I will need to make some preparations for plan Make Mr. Hot-And-Sexy-Trousers Fall in Love with Me. I'll start them tonight. I'm sure James will let me borrow the map to get to Hogsmeade.
"KAYLA!"
"What?"
"Oh never mind. That's the bell."
"No, what?"
"Nothing. What do you want to do tonight?"
I wanna make out with Sirius. Of course, I can't tell her that.
"Let's just focus on dinner right now. I'm dying of starvation."
"Ladies, ladies. Shall we escort you to dinner?"
I think I just died and went to heaven. Did Sirius Black just ask us if we wanted to go to dinner with them?
"Why, of course, dear gentlemen." Lily hooks her arm into Sirius' and walks off down the hall. That bitch just stole my future husband! I scowl, and grumble, making James, who is doing likewise beside me, make a confused face.
"What's up your bum? The love of your life didn't just get snatched from right below your nose did she? By your best friend on top of that. God, I swear, someday, I will end up murdering that pansy little snark-ass!" I laugh, because of the irony of his question. I would love to just shout at him, 'Yes! That's exactly what happened you dung ball! You're not the only one in this world with a sucky love life, and back-stabbing friends to boot!'
Instead, I go for a cheerier note. "She? What are you implying Mr. Potter?" As I hook my arm in his, and skip off down the hall.
"Oh nothing, nothing. I'm just saying, you know. Never had a boyfriend…doesn't seem all too much interested in boys at all. More fascinated by Quidditch and pranks..."
I punch him in the arm. It's not the first time that he's made such a remark. I'm beginning to wonder if all boys view me this way. "Just because I haven't found a satisfactory boy yet to waste my thoughts, time, and sanity on, does not mean I instead prefer women! And I'll have you know, that I finally have picked out a fish to go after, which is why I need to borrow the map tonight to get to Hogsmeade."
"Oh-ho! Who might the -cou-unlucky-gh- bastard be?"
"Oh hardy ha ha ha! I'm not telling, so don't bother asking."
"Fine then. But why do you have to go to Hogsmeade?"
"Well, in interest of…pursuing this 'unlucky bastard', I need to pick up a few things."
"Oh, like that paste stuff that girls put on their faces!"
"Yes."
"Well, we can't have you going alone at night. I say you need a knight of the shining escorts!"
"You mean a knight in shining armor for an escort?"
"Exactly! Remus good buddy old pal!"
Remus walks up to us, Peter trailing behind. Remus is tall, and skinny, but nevertheless, quite attractive. I just don't see him in my mind, however, as anything in comparison to Sirius. Remus is quiet, and likes his books. Very contrasting from the rest of the Marauders. He's the responsible one, always lecturing them about one thing or another. There's rumors going around that he may be gay.
"What's up Prongs?"
"This young lady here needs a knight of the shining escorts for tonight on a trip to Hogsmeade! I thought you could maybe take her!"
"Well, sure. Sounds good. Seven then? At the one-eyed witch statue?"
"James, I really don't need-"
"Nonsense KKs! Seven it is!" James bolts over to Remus, and drags him backwards from the group. As James has abandoned me, Peter waddles up to me, and grunts a hello. I glance back down the hall where James and Remus are talking. Remus has his head in his hands, and James is talking quietly, while making large hand gestures at the same time.
"Don't pay any attention to them. You look very pretty today, by the way…"
Gah! Peter's hand is on my bottom! Then little shrimp isn't even looking at my face as he's saying it! He's so short that, if he's to turn his head to look at me, but not raise it at all, he's looking exactly where you don't want any boy to look.
Especially a pervert like him! I've never really had a decent conversation with Peter, he's always off by himself, or in a corner somewhere. No I'm really wondering what he's doing off by himself for so many hours…
"Um…I…forgot something…in the common room!" I run off before he can say anything in reply.
God, now I'm going to have to take a shower before I do anything else.
Imagine. Violated by a midget!
Half an hour later, Lily shows up in out room. The nice person that she is, she's brought me back some food. The first question she asks is why I wasn't at dinner. As soon as I mention the name Peter, she squeals, and asks what happened. But before I can explain, she shouts again.
"See! I was right!"
"Right? About what?"
"Oh god, remember? In History of Magic class?"
Shit. I don't remember anything from that class. I was too busy staring at Mr. Hot-and-Sexy-Trousers. And daydreaming about our wedding…
Daydreaming has bad consequences.
"So I was right, wasn't I?"
Yes or No. This is a yes or no question. 50/50 chance that I will answer right.
"Um…yes?"
"Ha! I knew it! I'm always right after all. But eeeew! I can't believe it!"
"Can't believe what?"
"That you like Peter you dumb ass! Honest to god, what do you see in him?"
Shit.
No! Always say no!
"Um…he's cute…in…a…way…"
Wow, I've really dug myself into a hole this time. Lilsies will now go crazy, trying to get me to ask him out. Hinting to him that I like him even thought I DON'T! I remember when I had a crush on Theodore Brown in fourth year. She ruined everything! I never even had a chance…
Another reason why I will NEVER tell her about Sirius!
Oh my god. She's going to make me go out with Peter.
Peter's going to be my boyfriend.
I'm going to have to marry Peter and have his babies!
My entire life is flashing before my eyes…