AN: It's important to understand the song before reading the story. Please enjoy!
What Sarah Said by Deathcab for Cutie
And it came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU that reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths and I said to myself
that I've already taken too much today
As each discending peek of the LCD took you a little farther away from me
Away from me.
Amonst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It sung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our mind
And I knew that you were truth I would rather lose
Than to have never laid beside at all
Then I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself
'Cuz there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes 'round, and everyone lifts their head
And I'm thinking of what Sarah said:
"Love is watching someone die"
So who's gonna watch you die? (3x)
EPOV
Charlie was nervously pacing back and forth in the waiting room, glaring at the floor. He cursed to it. As if that would change anything. It wasn't the floor's fault. I turned my attention to Renee, Bella's mother, and it hurt me to see the similarities. She held the arms of her second husband, Phil, in a death grip. Her knuckles were white. His eyes were pained.
I had met Bella's parents and Phil only twice before, despite our three-year relationship.
I just watched everyone.
I couldn't feel anything.
I couldn't feel sadness. Regret. Love. Nothing.
I just stared. Not really seeing. Not really hearing.
Watching the strangers was uncomfortable. I put my hands in my tousled hair and stared at the floor.
She is okay. I chanted for the hundredth time. She isn't really dying. I'm going to wake up from this sick, twisted dream.
The words were no comfort. I knew they were false. But they were keeping me numb. I didn't want to feel.
"Edward?" Charlie barked at me. I sluggishly looked up at him. He glared at me, and I felt myself break down.
His angry brown eyes were perfectly Bella's.
The animal sobs that clawed their way out of my throat scared the little family next to us, waiting to get a refill for their child's inhaler.
Charlie's/Bella's eyes demanded their attention.
"Edward, what happened to my daughter?" His anger was an attempt to cover up the pain in his eyes. Bella said that Charlie could never get truly mad, and usually he feigned it to avoid appearing weak.
So much like Bella. I thought.
Her name hurts to think. I want to go back to numbness, but Charlie is expecting me to answer. I am unable to answer and start sobbing, my whole body shaking with each wail.
Hands grab hold of my jacket, and pull me up to look at the person they belonged to. Charlie growled, "Edward, what the fuck happened to Bells?"
I hope you kill me.
"Charlie, stop it!" Renee instructed. Her voice was scratchy from the crying, but she kept her ground.
So much like Bella.
"Can't you see the boy's been through enough?! We all have!" She was being pulled into Phil's arms, who silently mourned, simply being the support system she needed.
"I just- I just- n-need to know about my l-l-little girl." Finally, Charlie collapses in front of me, broken on the floor, his body racked with sobs flowing through him. Charlie was such a strong man, a police officer. Actually, the chief of police. He never seemed to phase- except now.
I was terrified at the sight of all three of them in such vulnerable states.
I didn't know they cared so much about Bella.
God, Bella didn't even know they cared so much about her.
My head fell into my hands as I sat in the Waiting Room. I grew increasingly nauseous with every second that passed, my heart threatening to burst out of my chest.
She's going to be okay. I chanted to myself mindlessly, staring at the granite floors but not seeing them.
I couldn't hear.
I couldn't think.
I couldn't feel.
So much has happened…
"Edward…? Where's- Where's the money?" She whispered, her brown eyes glistening with tears. I couldn't look into them too long. If I saw the disappointment in them again, I might just take a little too much. Bella began to mumble to herself, "…should've hid it better…My fault."
It was so unlike her to sound so defeated so I chanced looking at her. There was nothing but failure stamped all over her body. Her shoulders slumped and her brown eyes was shielded from my view as her head hung low.
My heart wanted to comfort her, but I knew I was the cause of that stature. My brain began to grow fuzzy and all I could this was how much I needed a distraction. As soon as I thought of the release I would get from drugs, it was all I could think about. My body began to hurt with need. I left Bella broken in our shack of an apartment, and I didn't care that she was sad. I was blinded by my addiction. I needed my fix. My skin began to itch.
I handed Jake the money, my hand shaking slightly in anticipation for what he had to offer. He took the money and glanced over his shoulders as per usual for our exchanges. He reached into his coat and handed me a little baggy with four white pills.
I shoved the plastic bag, feeling slightly better knowing that I had them. Only a little longer and I can forget. Jake and I went our separate ways immediately after the purchase, and I walked through the slums in the middle of the night.
The concrete streets were cracked and unattended to, glistening with earlier rain. There were people yelling at each other no matter where you turned. Graffiti on every inch of every building was the only color in this town.
We lived in a drug-infested, poverty stricken hell-hole.
When I saw my apartment building I sped up. Inside, I could forget. My pocket grew heavier in anticipation.
I took the stair two at a time, despite my lack of physic, and reached my door.
I can forget soon.
I stopped breathing. Bella's body lied across the mattress. That's not what alarmed me, what alarmed me was the arm that hung off the mattress- red dripping down from her wrists. There was something metallic drowning in a pool of the red.
My heart and my brain finally agreed; make sure Bella is okay.
Edward, I love you with all my heart… And for a while, I thought you loved me just as much. I miss you, I miss the bronze shine in your once-healthy hair. I miss the long conversations that you are no longer able to carry on. I miss hearing you tell me you love me- not to get money out of me, but because you wanted to let me know that I am was your world.
I really thought you were getting better. I thought you meant it when you said that you weren't using.
I was there for you through it all- through all the money problems, through losing your family because of your addiction, there for every hospital trip you had to take because you overdosed. I thought that if I stayed by your side, I could help you realize that you don't have to escape the pain of the real world through drugs. I didn't realize I was an enabler.
I am so sorry, my love.
If I hid the money better, if I insisted on you going to rehab, if I called your dad or sister to talk to you instead of defending you to them, maybe you could have stopped.
I know you miss her, but this is not how she would want you to remember her.
I'm so sorry for being an enabler.
I was no longer your love but the only thing that could get you that next fix… I should have realized it sooner.
I can't tell you no, you know that. You used it against me. You got on your hands and knees to beg me to make the pain stop, you were so broken… I realize now that this is all my fault. I want you to get better, that's all I want. Even if that means I won't be able to be there for you overcoming your addiction, I will take myself out of the equation.
I will not be the reason you wind up in the hospital. Not again.
I love you.
Please stop hurting yourself.
Forever yours,
Bella.
That's when I realized love is watching someone die.
AN: Well, how's that for a depressing first chapter? I hope you aren't so saddened that you can't stick with the story! It's going to be relatively short, I think. Review!