A/N: This picks up right after Revelations ends; I plan on sticking to cannon except that this piece has Morgan and Reid already in a relationship.
Reid was kneeling next to Hankle's body with his entire team watching him; it shouldn't have even been possible for him to take the Dilaudid without anyone seeing. But Dr. Spencer Reid was a genius with a knack for sleight of hand, and now he was a genius with an addiction. He wasn't about to leave the graveyard without those two bottles.
When they were tucked safely into his left pocket, he straightened up and wrapped his arms around himself in a nervous gesture. He knew he was surrounded by experienced profilers, but the fact that he'd just been captured and tortured by a psychopath gave him more than enough excuse to be slightly uncomfortable. They wouldn't think twice about his posture.
Morgan tried to talk to him after he got up. He offered to drive him and when Reid declined he couldn't stop himself from begging his younger lover to come with him.
"Please, Reid. Please," he said.
"Damn it, Morgan! I get taken by the unsub and I nearly die and you think now's the time to force what you want on me? I'll ride with Hotch," he spat. Reid never cursed simply because he found he liked how people reacted when he did so rarely. When Dr. Spencer Reid said "damn," people knew he was pissed.
And Morgan backed off. His face was completely unreadable, but he let Reid go. He'd watched as Reid had died, he'd watched as Reid had knelt beside his torturer's body, and he watched now as Reid walked away.
Reid climbed into the back of the SUV Hotch was driving. Gideon was with him; the two leaders of the team tried to make normal conversation on their way out of rural Georgia. Reid sat in the back, dying to be alone, fantasizing about the Dilaudid in his pocket.
He hated how he'd left Morgan, but he couldn't be with him right now. Reid knew that what he had in his pocket was one of the most addictive drugs available; he'd never thought he'd be in a position to actually feel how powerful that addiction could be.
Reid could hardly think of anything besides making sure he could get high again. Even now, he knew that once he was alone he somehow needed to find needles and… God, did he even know how to inject himself? Reid's face lost all color and his mouth dropped open.
The inane conversation in the front seat broke off. Hotch glanced up into the rearview mirror and saw his expression.
"Reid? What's wrong?" he asked.
Reid swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "N-nothing."
It was an unconvincing lie, but Hotch wasn't going to force Reid to share.
They arrived at the airport and Reid got out of the SUV. He was a little surprised they were flying out at this time of night, but he was also grateful. A war was being waged inside of him. Dr. Spencer Reid knew that the moment he was alone he'd take more Dilaudid; he was pleased he wouldn't have that opportunity in a cold, lonely hotel room in rural Georgia.
Newly addicted Spencer railed against the possibility of having to wait until the flight was over and he'd found needles to feel that rush again. The addict could only remember the man who'd introduced him to this amazing feeling and who'd saved his life. He wanted to forget his own betrayal of Tobias; wanted to not see his eyes dulling as he expelled his last breath. The guilt was tearing him up inside.
But Reid felt guilt, too, for the way he'd shunned Morgan and duped the team by taking those bottles. They felt like they were burning in his pocket and he wondered if Hotch or Gideon would look and see the lumps there. And the biggest problem was, Reid also wanted to forget. He knew that the Dilaudid could melt the shame away.
Hotch, Gideon, and Reid stood next to the jet waiting for the other members of the team. Reid leaned most of his weight on his right foot; he'd hardly noticed the pain in his left while walking to the SUV, but now it was starting to bother him. Reid shoved his hands in his pockets nervously, caressing his poison and his cure with his thumb.
When the others finally arrived, Reid boarded the jet first with Morgan close behind. Reid made it about halfway up the stairs before he stumbled; Morgan rushed up behind him to keep him from falling. The older man grabbed his arm and helped him make it into the jet.
When they were finally inside, Reid yanked his arm away from Morgan, who'd been trying to hold on. Using the seats to make walking easier, he picked a seat in the back. He curled his legs up on the seat with him and stared intently out the window. Thankfully, Morgan didn't come talk to him.
When the others finally arrived, Reid boarded the jet first and picked a seat in the back. He curled his legs up on the seat with him and stared intently out the window. Thankfully, no one bothered him.
Morgan watched Reid curl up and sit down. He looked so completely lost, but he'd made it very clear he didn't want to be around Morgan right now. He chose a seat a row in front of Reid, so that he could reach out to Morgan if he wanted to.
God, Reid, are you actually going to go home, find some needles and get high? What the fuck kind of plan is that? he thought to himself.
You can forget. And you can do it on your terms. Who are you hurting if you go home and self-medicate from time to time? the addict inside argued.
From time to time? So my argument is basically "I could quit whenever I wanted?" I'm not an idiot; addicts can't control themselves. Reid tried to remember why that was a bad thing. Did he really want to deny himself this?
But you could control yourself. You're the genius Dr. Reid, the voice whispered. You could…
But Derek… he'd find out eventually. He wouldn't… want me anymore. He'd hate me. I'd be disappointing everyone around me. Dr. Spencer Reid, genius FBI profiler turned common junkie. The self-loathing he felt at what he was considering made him want to scream or cry or something, but he could only sit.
You could hide it. He doesn't have to know. They don't have to know...
Reid wrapped his arms around himself a little tighter. He longed for the moment he took those bottles out of his pocket, but he had no idea what he'd be doing with them when he did.
I'm planning on keeping this fic going until Reid finally makes the decision to stop using. I hated that we see so little of his struggle in the show, so I wanted to put my own spin on it. I was really inspired by this video that used the song What If by Safetysuit. It just fits their relationship perfectly:
What if it makes you lose faith in me?
What if it makes you question every moment you cannot see?
If you go to youtube and search Morgan Reid What If, you'll find it. It's a great video.