AN: Okay, so this is just a joke and I do like Phantom a lot, I have some problems with it but overall I like it. You need a key for this so: IMPORTANT- normal type is my version, the underlined parts have been crossed out by my friend and revised, and the bold are my friends comments and edits. You can tell where she got very mad a me because she insults me in the comments and text :)
If you want some good Phantom of the Opera fanfiction go read lks358's stuff (she's the friend in this)
Disclaimer: I don't own anything!
Once upon a time, there was a very creepy man (no)—a stalker in fact (false)—that lived in the basement of some French Opera House before it opened. He was ugly and disfigured and no one loved him. Because he was so lonely and unloved (no one loves you Bookworm) he pretended to be a ghost in order to have human contact because he actually cares for Christine. He blackmailed the owners of the French Opera House (which according to Andrew Lloyd Webber-math opened 14 years early…) under the name of the Opera Ghost. The cast called him the Phantom of the Opera.
A very pretty, naïve chorus girl (not of questionable morals but possibly confused) named Christine drew the Phantom's attention. He came to her through a secret door in her closet (it's not a secret door in her closet, it's a mirror) (kind of like Narnia) at night and pretended to be her "Angel of Music". He does a lot of pretending…You could probably analyze it! But he's never been loved in his life and he just wants someone to care about him!
One night, after Christine's greatest performance, he stole her from her room and took her his creepy underground lair. He then sang to her about "the music of the night" (a total euphemism (metaphor, not a euphemism) for sex) (but it's a pretty metaphor!).
Christine's childhood love; a gorgeous ugly, brave stupid, kind creepy, abusive, and inherently evil, rich man called Raoul came to see her and proposed. Christine accepted, but was too afraid of what the Phantom would do to her, so she decided to hide the big, beautiful, sparkly engagement ring in her scandalously clad bosom (I'll hide this big sparkly ring in my cleavage! No one ever looks there!).
The Phantom interrupts the ball (that was not mentioned before) and through intimidation and threats coerces the French Opera House to perform his opera Don Juan Triumphant.
During the performance he kidnaps Christine because he doesn't care bout her happiness and is tired of playing with his automaton of her he loves her and is desperate for her to care about him, and never having the done the right thing before deosn't really know how. (Bookworm is a horrible person).
Raoul runs to Madame Giry, Christine's best friend's, Meg who is another naïve girl of questionable morals, mother who was also a mother figure to Christine. Turns out, she was the one who broke the Phantom out of the sideshow he was part of because he Bookworm was such an ugly freak. She tells Raoul that his name is Erik and (false) confesses her love for him. Too bad he turned into a murderer-rapist-sociopath-(false, Christine is NOT that much younger than him) with a fetish for little girls…
Raoul, being the hero stupid, drunk ugly, foppish idiot he is, went charging to Erik's evil lair where both the real Christine and automaton Christine await him. After skillfully navigating the Phantom's "clever" booby-traps, Raul reaches the Bat Cave, whereupon he foolishly allows himself to be tied up by his nemesis.
Erik's "kind" (his sould would be kind if anyone had ever treated him with kindness!) soul forces him to let Christine choose to save Raoul or herself. Because she is so naïve and not a Seer (she can't see future Raoul), she chooses to save Raoul. (AND THEY KISS!)
The Phantom was so touched by her selfless act that his heart grew three sizes that day. He let Raoul and Christine leave his lair in the bowels of that French Opera House that hasn't opened yet. They then lived (kind of) happily ever after.
Seamus Finnigan then tried to cast a spell on the French Opera House in order to expel the "Opera Ghost" that was harassing the poor people. However, being Seamus, the French Opera House burned like Hogwarts did on May 2, 1998.
Everyone escaped except for the Phantom. The flames reached his man cave and he died.
Alternate Ending: Follows Andrew Lloyd Webber's story through when "Beneath a Moonless Sky" happens. Then Raoul mysteriously "disappears" and dies a slow, painful death. Then Erik and Christine live happily ever after.
AN: Thank you for reading, I hope we made you laugh. Feel free to review!