Once upon a time warp. . . .
In an Enchanted Forest very, very, very, very, far away, there lived two queens . . .Cora, The Queen of Hearts, and Regina, The Evil Queen, who were, incidentally, mother and daughter.
Chapter Eleven
The Evil Queen of the Enchanted Forest, having foolishly confided a secret in the Worst Secret Keeper Ever (honestly, Snow is – she's got the coffee cup to prove it), which resulted in the death of her True Love, has devised a secret curse to take every inhabitant away from their peace-loving homes and drop them into small-town hell: Storybrooke.
Today is Princess Emma's wedding day. Unbeknownst to the princess, but knowest to us, danger lurks in the forest. . .
FOREST - DAY - EVIL REGAL 1 – Regina's Royal Carriage – passes by at a slow speed. It takes the carriage about two minutes to pass. On the back of the carriage is a bumper sticker that says, "YOUR HEART IS MINE."
Internal Castle of Regina. Claude the Expendable Red Shirt and Graham the Hottie Huntsman
CLAUDE Hottie Huntsman.
GRAHAM What is it, Claude?
CLAUDE You told me to let you know the moment Her Majesty's carriage was in sight, sir.
GRAHAM So.
CLAUDE Her Majesty's carriage is in sight, sir.
GRAHAM You're really a Red Shirt. You know that, don't you?
CLAUDE Thanks, sir.
GRAHAM No, that wasn't a… (shakes head) Have you notified the Queen of Hearts?
CLAUDE Yes, sir. I took the liberty. She's on her way.
VOICE (O.S.) Make way for Queen Regina.
GRAHAM All rise in the presence of Queen Regina.
A door opens revealing REGINA, she resembles the Evil Queen from Snow White,
walking toward camera. She stops in front of camera, and is having trouble breathing with the intricate corset she is wearing.
REGINA (rips corset off) I can't breathe in this thing.
GRAHAM Princess Emma's wedding is beginning, ma'am.
REGINA Good. I'll call Wonderland, and notify my mother immediately.
CLAUDE I already called her, ma'am. She knows everything.
REGINA What? You went over my head?
CLAUDE Well, not exactly over it, ma'am. More on the side. I'll always call you first. It'll never happen again. Never, ever!
REGINA extends her arm towards Claude, her hand forming a 'C' as if she were about to choke him
CLAUDE Oh shit! No, no, no, no, no, please, no, no, please, no, not that. (covers his neck)
REGINA Yes. That. (shoves her hand into his chest, rips out his heart and squeezes it).
CLAUDE Whaoooooooo! Owwwwwwwwww!
GUARDS take him away.
REGINA sticks the heart it in her satchel to put in her vault later.
REGINA Huntsman.
GRAHAM (covers his heart) Ma'am?
REGINA I don't see the wedding. Where is it?
GRAHAM We don't have visual contact, ma'am, but we have it in the magic mirror. Shall I pull it up for you?
REGINA Na, nevermind. I'll do it myself.
REGINA and GRAHAM walk to the magic mirror. REGINA stops in front of the coffee maker.
GRAHAM Very good, ma'am.
REGINA What's the matter with this thing? What's all that churning and bubbling? You call that a magic mirror.
GRAHAM No, ma'am. We call it, "Mr. Coffee." (points at label, "Mr. Coffee") Care for some?
REGINA Yes! I always have coffee when I look in the mirror. You know that.
GRAHAM Of course I do, ma'am.
REGINA Everybody knows that.
EVERYBODY (covers their hearts) Of course we do, ma'am.
REGINA (takes coffee) Now that I have my coffee, I'm ready to see the mirror. Where is it?
GRAHAM (points to label "Magic Mirror") Right here, ma'am.
REGINA Switch to teleview.
GRAHAM changes to a picture of Charming and Snow's palace.
REGINA There it is, the Charming's palace. Those two idiots have no idea what's coming.
GRAHAM Yes, your majesty. Once the we kidnap the princess, we will force her father, Charming, to give us the combination to the magic shield with which they've surrounded themselves. Thereby gaining access and leaving them vulnerable to your newest curse.
REGINA (Looks at audience). Everybody got that? Good! When will the princess be married?
GRAHAM Within the hour, ma'am.
REGINA Well, I hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon. (takes a drink of coffee) Mmmmmmm, mmmmmm, mmmmmm.
GRAHAM hits her back. REGINA spits out coffee.
REGINA Hot! Too hot!
SNOW & CHARMING'S CASTLE - EXT. CHAPEL - DAY Sign reads, "Today, the Royal Wedding of Princess Emma to Prince Neal. Tomorrow, Bingo."
INT. CHAPEL - DAY - GRUMPY is fixing something on PRINCE CHARMING'S outfit. PRINCESS EMMA is pacing.
CHARMING Oh, if only your mother were alive to see this day.
SNOW What?
CHARMING (looks confused) Oh; there you are. All right, is everyone ready?
GRUMPY Yes, your majesty.
EMMA No! Where's my kid of honor?
GRUMPY Oh yeah. Where's Henry? Henry? Oh, good. Where've you been?
HENRY Here I am. I'm sorry. I had to find a good place to hide my fairytale book.
GRUMPY All right, people. Time to do this.
CHARMING All right, everyone, starting on the left foot. (puts his right foot out)
EMMA Daddy that's your right foot.
CHARMING It's too late. Keep going.
They start walking down the aisle. The organ is playing "Here Comes the Bride."
EMMA (stops) Daddy.
Organ player stops.
EMMA Must I go through with this?
CHARMING I'm sorry, my dear, you have to.
They start walking again. The organ starts up again.
EMMA (stops) But, daddy.
Organ stops again.
EMMA I don't love him.
CHARMING I'm sorry, EMMA, he's the last prince left in the realm.
NEAL yawns. They reach the altar.
FRIAR TUCK Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion, to witness Princess Emma, daughter of Prince Charming...
EMMA starts running toward the door, while Henry is chasing behind.
FRIAR TUCK...going right past the altar, heading down the ramp, and out the door.
CHARMING Stop her! Someone, stop her! Stop her!
EXT. CHAPEL - DAY EMMA and HENRY come out of the chapel. They head for the getaway carriage.
HENRY Hey wait! You forgot to get married. Will you stop?
They get to the carriage. EMMA opens the door.
HENRY What are you doing?
EMMA (pushes Henry into the getaway carriage) No questions, Henry. Get in.
Everyone else comes out of the chapel.
CHARMING What is she doing? Where is she going?
Emma jumps on the front and grabs the reins. The carriage takes off toward the forest.
NEAL Come baaaaack! (yawns while saying back)
INT. JOLLY ROGER The Jolly Roger is a Pirate Ship with wheels, sort of like those duck tour busses you see in some cities. TINKERBELL is eating ice cream and dancing to music. TINKERBELL is a fairy. CAPTAIN HOOK is at the wheel on deck, asleep. CAPTAIN HOOK is drunk. He is a normal human, if normal humans dressed all in leather and had a hook for one hand. "AUTOMATIC PILOT" is flashing. The phone starts ringing.
HOOK (wakes up) Tink. Tink. Tink!
TINKERBELL Huh?
HOOK (O.S) Tink!
TINKERBELL Always when I'm eating.
TINKERBELL puts down the ice cream, and picks up some Pixie Dust Cookies.
HOOK Tink!
TINKERBELL What can I do you for, captain?
HOOK Where've you been, love?
TINKERBELL Oh, just grabbing myself a snack. You want some? (offers a Pixie Dust Cookie to Hook)
HOOK No!
TINKERBELL C'mon.
HOOK Answer that for me. Will you, love?
TINKERBELL Ah, sure. (hits Hook with her wings as she turns)
HOOK Will you watch those things?
TINKERBELL Oh, sorry. I'll just put it on audio. That way they won't see you. (hits the video switch) Yello.
FELIX appears on the screen. FELIX is a half boy, half man.
FELIX Hello, Captain.
TINKERBELL Sorry, wrong switch.
HOOK Hello, Felix, what do you want?
FELIX No, no, no, no, no. It's not what I want. It's what he wants.
TINKERBELL & HOOK Peter Pan!
PETER PAN is half man, half boy.
PAN Well, if it isn't Captain Hook, and his side kick, Stink.
TINKERBELL That's Tink.
PAN Tink, Stink, whatever. Where's my money?
HOOK Don't worry, Pan. You'll have it by next week.
PAN No, no. I gotta have it by tomorrow.
HOOK A hundred thousand gold doubloons, by tomorrow? Are you daft?
PAN A hundred thousand? Ha, ha, ha. No way. You forgot late charges, which brings it up to, um, one million gold doubloons.
HOOK A million? That's unfair, mate.
PAN Unfair to the payor, but not to the payee, but you're gonna pay it, or else.
TINKERBELL Or else what?
PAN Tell 'em, Felix.
FELIX Pan never fails.
PAN Not that, Felix. The other thing.
FELIX Oh. Right. Or else Pan is going to send the shadow for you.
FELIX & PAN laugh.
FELIX And also, Pan never fails.
PAN Felix, enough with that already. (Screen switches off).
EXT. EMMA'S CARRIAGE - FOREST EMMA is listening to music in headphones. HENRY climbs up through the window into the front of the carriage.
HENRY Can we talk? Okay, we all know my dad is a huge plot device, but you could've married him for my sake, and then ignored him for the next 25 years.
EMMA can't hear him.
HENRY Mom, will you turn that thing off?
EMMA What? (takes off the headphones) What is it?
HENRY I was saying, do realize what you've done?
EMMA Yes, and I'm glad. Glad, glad, glad, glad, glad. (puts the headphones back on)
HENRY I wonder if she's glad.
WONDERLAND, QUEEN'S PALACE - INT. QUEEN OF HEART'S THRONE ROOM - NIGHT - CORA is talking to someone on the phone.
CORA Don't be ridiculous. As Queen of Hearts, I can assure both you and your subjects, that there is absolutely no curse coming to rip you from our land and take you to small town hell. Yes, of course, I've heard the same rumor myself. Thanks for calling, and not reversing the charges. Bye. (hangs up phone) Shithead.
KNAVE OF HEARTS (appears on the wall) Your majesty.
CORA Yes.
KNAVE Your daughter has informed us that Princess Emma is in sight, and Evil Regal 1 is closing in on her.
CORA Good, good.
KNAVE We have both carriages coming up on the magic mirror, ma'am, if you wish to observe.
CORA I'll be there immediately.
KNAVE Shall I have the Rabbit portal you over?
CORA I don't about that Rabbit. Are his portals safe?
KNAVE Oh yes, ma'am. I got portaled twice last night. It was wonderful.
CORA All right, I take a shot at it. What the hell, it works on our spinoff.
KNAVE Rabbit, portal her over.
RABBIT (O.S.) Yes, sir. Immediately, sir.
A portal opens and CORA gets sucked into it.
INT. REGINA'S CASTLE - NIGHT - A portal hole appears and CORA pops out of it. Her head is on backwards.
VOICE (O.S.) My goodness, what's happened to her head?
KNAVE It's on backwards.
CORA This is terrible. Do something.
RABBIT I'm sorry, ma'am. There must have been a portal malfunction.
CORA (looks down at herself) Why didn't somebody tell me bustle was so big?
Everyone else looks and snickers.
RABBIT Hold on, ma'am. I'll try and reverse the portal. If I'm not too late.
RABBIT (waving his hands in the air) Lock 1, Lock 2, Lock 3, Loch Lomond.
Another portal opens and CORA gets sucked into it.
INT. CORA'S PALACE - NIGHT - A portal opens and CORA reappears, back to normal. KNAVE OF HEARTS appears on the wall.
KNAVE Are you all right, your majesty?
CORA Fine, fine, no thanks to you.
KNAVE I'll have him portal you back, ma'am.
CORA Forget it. Forget it. No more portals. This time I'm gonna use the mirror. (walks through the mirror)
INT. REGINA'S CASTLE - NIGHT
CLAUDE Queen of Hearts, Salute.
ALL (salute) Hail Her Majesty!
CORA nods regally.
JIMINY CRICKET & JEFFERSON Hello, Cora.
CORA Oh, uh. Hello, Jefferson.
JIMINY CRICKET I'm Jiminy.
CORA Hello, Jiminy.
JEFFERSON I'm Jefferson.
CORA Go make a hat. Where's the Princess?
CLAUDE Right there, ma'am. On the left side of the screen, approaching Evil Regal 1, at fifteen leagues per minute.
CORA Good, good. She's almost in our grasp. Tell Regina she must take the Princess alive.
EXT. EVIL REGAL 1 - FOREST In front of EVIL REGAL 1 is Emma's carriage.
INT. EVIL REGAL 1 - FOREST - GRAHAM and REGINA are sitting.
GRAHAM Princess Emma's carriage is within range, ma'am.
REGINA Good. Fire a warning shot across her nose.
GRAHAM leans out of the carriage and shoots an arrow that sticks in the back of Emma's carriage.
EXT. EMMA'S CARRIAGE - FOREST EMMA takes off the headphones.
EMMA What's going on?
HENRY Either we've crossed into Sherwood, or someone's trying to kill us.
EMMA Hey! I don't have to put up with this. I'm the Savior. (picks up phone)
HENRY What you doing?
EMMA I'm calling your grandpa. 1-800-TRULOVE. (dials the phone)
INT. EVIL REGAL 1 - FOREST
REGINA Careful, you idiot. I said across her nose, not up it.
GRAHAM Sorry, ma'am. Doing my best.
REGINA You call yourself a huntsman?
GRAHAM I do, ma'am.
REGINA You know what you have to say in these cases…
GRAHAM I'm an Asshole, your majesty.
REGINA I know that. Say it again.
GRAHAM I am an asshole. Major asshole.
REGINA Of course you are. I'm surrounded by Assholes. Keep firing, asshole.
EXT. EMMA'S CARRIAGE - EMMA is on the phone.
EMMA Hurry, Daddy, hurry. There are arrows flying all around us. I'm worried for Henry.
EMMA and HENRY crawl through the window back into the carriage, leaving the horses to run by themselves.
EXT. JOLLY ROGER - OCEAN
CHARMING'S VOICE Prince Charming to Captain Hook. Prince Charming to Captain Hook.
Are you there?
JOLLY ROGER - OCEAN HOOK and TINKERBELL are talking to CHARMING on the phone installed in front by the wheel.
CHARMING Hook, you've got to help me. Please, save my daughter and grandson. They're being attacked by Regina.
HOOK Regina? Forget it, mate. Too dangerous. Besides, I'm already numero uno on Regina's hit list.
TINKERBELL Look, your highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it. It's just we got this thing about death. It's not us.
CHARMING Please, you must. You're the only ones who can save them. I'll give anything. Did you hear me? Anything.
TINKERBELL Anything?
CHARMING Yes! Anything!
HOOK Okay, we'll do it for a million gold doubloons.
CHARMING A million?
TINKERBELL Whoa, you starting to fade here. We're losing picture, your highness.
CHARMING All right, all right, I'll pay it. Only find them, save them.
HOOK All right, mate, you just made a deal.
TINKERBELL One princess and one little prince for one million spacebucks.
HOOK What is she driving?
CHARMING A brand new, yellow VW bug carriage, 2001 SEL Limited Edition. All leather interior. I got it at a very good price. I paid cash. My brother, Prince James, has a dealership in the valley. He was very nice to me.
HOOK We get the idea. Where were they last seen?
CHARMING She was just passing the dwarf mines.
HOOK We'll find her.
CHARMING Please, bring her back safely. And, if it's all possible, try to save the carriage. (disappears off T.V.)
TINKERBELL One million gold doubloons. We'll be able to pay off Pan.
HOOK takes a shot of rum from his flask and passes it to TINKERBELL who also drinks.
EXT. EMMA'S CARRIAGE - FOREST - EVIL REGAL 1 fires an arrow with a long rope that attaches to Emma's carriage.
EMMA What's happening? What's that pull? We're not moving.
HENRY Oh, we're moving all right, backwards.
EXT. JOLLY ROGER - FOREST
HOOK Look, there's our princess. She has company.
TINKERBELL Oh, no, Regina. And she's already got the princess in by the rope. Oh, well, we're too late. What a shame. I'll just turn her around, and we'll get outta here. (reaches for the wheel)
HOOK (stops her) Tink. No. Bad.
TINKERBELL Oh, what are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess? I know we need the money...
HOOK Listen, love. We're not just doing this for money.
TINKERBELL We're not?
HOOK No. We're doing it for a bloody lot of money!
TINKERBELL Oh, you're right, and when you're right, you're right, and you, you're always right. Okay, we save her, but how? The minute we move in there, they'll spot us on their magic mirror.
HOOK Uh-uh.
TINKERBELL Uh-huh.
HOOK Uh-uh.
TINKERBELL Uh-huh.
HOOK Uh-uh, not if we cloak them.
TINKERBELL Ah, ha! You're right.
HOOK Open scope.
TINKERBELL Do you really have to say that every time?
HOOK expands his spyglass and looks through it.
TINKERBELL Regina, about to be cloaked.
TINKERBELL magically conjures a large black cloak and makes it go flying and crash into EVIL REGAL 1 . She then causes the rope connecting the two carriages to disintegrate.
EXT. EVIL REGAL 1 - FOREST The carriage has stopped. The DRIVER is trying to figure out the problem.
DRIVER. (he is making the sound effects) Shit. (makes more sound effects and dials phone) Sir? (in microphone)
GRAHAM (Inside the carriage) What is it?
DRIVER. (O.S.) (in microphone) Can I talk to for a minute, please, sir.
GRAHAM & REGINA (exit the carriage and look up at him)
GRAHAM Well.
DRIVER. (in microphone) I'm having trouble with the carriage, sir.
GRAHAM You don't need that, Driver, we're right here. (hangs up microphone) Now, what is it?
DRIVER. (in microphone voice) I'm having trouble with the carriage, sir.
REGINA (rips out the microphone-mask up) Now, what is it?
DRIVER. I'm having trouble with the carriage, ma'am.
REGINA What's wrong with it?
DRIVER. I've lost the bumps, I've the lost the jumps, and I've lost the shhhhhhhhwupms.
REGINA The what?
GRAHAM The what?
REGINA And the what?
DRIVER. You know. The bumps, (bounces up and down in seat) the jumps, (bounces really high in his seat) and the shhhhhhhhwupms. (leans from side to side while saying 'shwump, shwump')
REGINA (to Graham) That's not all he's going to lose.
DRIVER. Ma'am. The carriage, ma'am. It appears to be...
The cloak slides down off the carriage
DRIVER. ...cloaked.
REGINA Cloaked? There's only one man who would dare to cloak me. Captain Hook!
CAMERA hits REGINA. REGINA falls backwards.
INT. EMMA'S CARRIAGE - FOREST - JOLLY ROGER comes next to Emma's carriage. There's a thump on the carriage.
EMMA What was that?
TINKERBELL knocks on the door.
HENRY Nevermind that. What was that?
The door opens revealing TINKERBELL smiling.
EMMA & HENRY Ah.
TINKERBELL Hi.
EMMA Who are you?
TINKERBELL Tinkerbell, but you can call me Tink.
HENRY Tink? What are you?
TINKERBELL I'm quite a common fairy.
EMMA What do you want?
TINKERBELL Your father hired Captain Hook and me to save you. C'mon, we gotta hop onto our ship and get outta here.
HENRY Go, hurry, quick, mom, follow the fairy.
EMMA Wait. What about my matched luggage?
TINKERBELL starts whimpering.
EXT. JOLLY ROGER - FOREST HOOK looks at TINK as she comes up from below. TINK still has a load of luggage on her.
HOOK Checking in? What the bloody hell is all that?
TINKERBELL (with strap in mouth) It's her royal highness's matched luggage.
HOOK (O.S.) What?
TINKERBELL (takes strap out of mouth) Her royal highness's matched luggage.
HOOK Matched luggage, huh? What does she believe this to be...
TINKERBELL hits him with her wings.
HOOK ...a princess cruise.
TINKERBELL Well, she wouldn't go without it.
HOOK Oh, is that so? (picks up microphone)
TINKERBELL hits him again.
HOOK (in microphone) Now hear this, as soon as we get out of here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.
HENRY What was that?
EMMA (turns on intercom) Now you hear this, whoever you are, you will not touch that luggage, and furthermore, I want this pig-sty cleaned up. I will not be rescued in such filth.
HOOK (in microphone) Listen here, lass. Let me tell you how it works on my ship. I make the demands, you follow them. This is my dream boat, darling.
EMMA Darling?
HENRY Uh-oh.
EMMA How dare you speak to me that way. You will address me in the proper manner as your royal highness. I am Princess Emma, daughter of Snow and Charming, product of True Love.
HOOK Wonderful. That's all we needed, the savior on board.
TINKERBELL Funny. She doesn't look like a savior.
EXT. FOREST – REGINA and GRAHAM approach Emma's carriage on foot, along with several guards.
REGINA Now, we will show her who is in charge of this realm. (GUARDS extend weapons).
REGINA Hold it. I'll handle this personally.
REGINA So, Princess Emma, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of The Evil Queen. Well, you were wrong. You are now our prisoner, and you will held hostage until such time, as I am returned as rightful ruler of the realm.
REGINA opens the door and looks inside.
REGINA She's not in there.
ALL drop swords and cover their hearts.
VOICE (O.S.) Carriage repaired, ma'am. And we've reports of a quickly retreating pirate ship with wheels.
REGINA Pirate ship? Captain Hook!
REGINA bangs on the car. The door closes on her, pushing her inside.
EXT. JOLLY ROGER - FOREST - EVIL REGAL 1 is following.
HOOK Uh-oh. Here comes the evil queen.
TINKERBELL We'd better get outta here in a hurry.
HOOK Switch to secret Pegasus Sail.
TINKERBELL Switching to secret Pegasus Sail.
HOOK (in microphone) Buckle up down there, we're taking off.
INT. EVIL REGAL 1 - FOREST - REGINA and GRAHAM are sitting together, watching out the window. JOLLY ROGER is in front of them.
GRAHAM We're closing in on them, ma'am. In less than minute, Captain Hook will be ours.
REGINA Good. Prepare to attack.
GRAHAM Preparing to attack.
REGINA On the count of three. One, two...
JOLLY ROGER takes off into the sky.
REGINA Late! What happened? Where are they?
GRAHAM I don't know, ma'am. They must have a Pegasus Sail on that thing.
REGINA And what have we got on this thing a Cuisinart?
GRAHAM No, ma'am.
REGINA Well, find them catch them.
GRAHAM Yes, ma'am. (over microphone) Prepare carriage for light speed.
REGINA No, no, no, light speed is too slow.
GRAHAM Light speed, too slow?
REGINA Yes, we're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.
GRAHAM (gasp) Ludicrous speed? Ma'am, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if this carriage can take it.
REGINA What's the matter, Huntsman, afraid? Stop acting like a Grahama!
GRAHAM (in high pitch) Prepare carriage, (back to normal) prepare carriage for ludicrous speed. Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, warn all forest animals, clear all low-hanging branches, secure all jewels and weapons...
REGINA (takes the microphone) Gimme that you petty excuse for a huntsman.
GRAHAM sits in his seat and buckles up.
REGINA (in microphone) Now hear this, ludicrous speed...
GRAHAM Your majesty, hadn't you better buckle up?
REGINA Ahh, buckle this. (in microphone) Ludicrous speed, Go!
The carriage takes off. A display lights up: Light Speed, Ridiculous Speed, and then Ludicrous Speed. REGINA is being pulled back, holding on to the front of the carriage with her hands.
REGINA Whoaaa! What have I done? My brains are going into my feet.
EXT JOLLY ROGER - FOREST - EVIL REGAL 1 shoots by underneath them leaving a plaid shadow.
TINKERBELL What the hell was that?
HOOK That was the Evil Queen.
TINKERBELL They've gone to plaid.
Thank you to my wonderful beta AtOnceUponSomeChaos who not only can quote the entire Spaceballs movie, but also was able to keep me honest to both fandoms.