Title: Stoned Vamps
Author: RavenWolf1333
Rating: PG-13
Chapter: 1/2
Warnings: Use of marijuana and language
Disclaimer: The Legacy of Kain series belongs to Eidos and Crystal Dynamics. I own nothing except the plot of this story.
Summary: Soul Reaver, the real story. As well as the other two reasons why Raziel was thrown into the Abyss. All of them are frickin' stoners and when Zephon and Raziel come to Sanctuary as high as hell after they stole Kain's secret stash, Kain needless to say gets pissed. Much better than it sounds.
Chapter One: The Best Way to Die, is to Die Stoned
Kain was sitting on his throne at the base of the Pillar of Balance, looking impatient and bored. Dumah, Rahab, Turel and Melchiah were standing in their respective positions around the pillars, looking as bored and impatient as Kain.
'Where the hell are Raziel and Zephon!?'
Just as the thought crossed Kain's mind, in comes Raziel and Zephon, laughing and giggling their asses off, talking nonsense and smelling of weed. Only one possibility: They were higher than a frickin' kite! "DAMMIT this is the fifth time this week you two have pulled this crap!"
Zephon took his place beside Turel, doubled over and laughing the entire time, while Raziel attempted to kneel down in front of Kain. But instead, he fell flat on his ass and just laughed even harder. Dumah and Turel were snickering quietly, while Rahab just look slightly shocked. Now, Rahab has indulged quite a few times himself, but its not like he could remember half the stupid shit that he did!!
Raziel tried to get up, but just collapsed and decided to lay there, laughing like a hyena, "Dude, I am SO BAKED!!"
"Where did you get the marijuana from this time?" Kain asked irritably. He was fed up with this crap. Although he did enjoy violently killing the person who sold it to them, he was getting tired of having to continuously threaten them until one of them stops laughing enough to give him a straight answer. It was Zephon who spoke up, "We found it under the weird lookin' chair you're sittin' in!"
Kain's expression was a mix of anger and surprise, "How the hell did you know about that!?"
Zephon stopped laughing and a serious look crossed his face, "Hmmm, I don't really remember." He took one look at his giggling older brother and broke down into laughter once more.
"Kain, I didn't know you smoked too." Dumah said, astonished that his father would do that, especially considering all of the lectures that he gave his sons about not smoking weed. What a damn hypocrite!!
"I only smoke it when I need to calm down and relieve some stress."
This time it was Melchiah who spoke up, "But I thought you did that by killing people. Why do you have to smoke mary jane when you could just wipe out an entire village?"
"Melchiah, you dumbass," Turel sighed, "He probably smokes the weed and then goes and destroys a village."
"SHUT UP!! The main reason I smoke that shit is because it lowers my damn blood pressure!"
The brothers that weren't laughing uncontrollably and acting like dumbasses immediatly shut their mouths.
"THAT MEANS YOU TWO HYENAS AS WELL!"
Zephon and Raziel did quiet down a bit, although they were snickering quietly like lunatics.
Kain cleared his throat and calmed himself down some-what before speaking again, "Now, Raziel, you called us all here to show us something. And if you brought us out here just to tell us that you found out that you can count up to twenty-five again I'll kick your ass and throw you into the Abyss!"
Raziel finally stood up and revealed his new wings to Kain, smiling like a stoned retard the entire time. A loud, "Dude!" was heard from the now bug-eyed Zephon, "Why the hell didn't you show me 'em when we were usin' the bong!?"
"I dunno. But it's still pretty fuckin' sweet though, ain't it?"
Raziel smirked at his shocked creator and brethren. Kain rose from his throne, walked behind his first born, and ripped his wings off,
"HOLY SHIT DUDE!" Zephon yelled.
"WTF!?" Raziel mumbled as he began to pass out.
"That's what ya get for stealing my weed, getting high in the first place, and evolving before I did!! Turel, Dumah, drag his sorry ass to the Abyss."
"But that isn't very fair."
"Shut up Zephon or I'll throw you in after him!"
Needless to say, Zephon definatly shut up, and all through the journey to the Abyss, to the point of actually throwing Raziel in, Zephon didn't say a word. He just wondered who'll be his 'bong buddy' now.
After Raziel was gone and Kain had returned to the Pillars, his five remaining sons were sitting on the high cliff that looked over the Abyss, getting higher than mother fuckers. You would think that they would be a little scared to smoke now, but they would pay the price for betraying Raziel in such a way much sooner than you would think....
Raven: Well? Whaddya think?
Plushie Raziel: You made me a damn stoner!?
Raven: What? It's funny. I dunno about anybody else but I think its hillarious to see you laughing like a moron infront of everybody else.
Plushie Raziel: I have you know that I've never smoked weed!
Chibi Kain: Don' t lie, dude! Remember when you and me snuck out to Tiajuana that night an-(starts coughing and choking due to the fact that Raziel just sucker punched him in the stomach)
Plushie Raziel: I honestly don't know what the hell he's talking about. (nervous laugh)
Raven: Riiiiight. Anyways-
Chibi Kain: You say that in you Author's Notes too often!
Raven: (glares at Kain) Anyways-
Chibi Kain: SEE!? There she goes again!!
Raven: (glares even harder at Kain) Readers, please review and I hope you enjoyed the story as much as I loved writing it. SEE?? I DIDN'T SAY 'ANYWAYS'!
Plushie Raziel: You just did.
Raven: Dammit!