AN: I really suggest that you go read Harvest Millionaire before you read this, because it takes place before this, and a lot of the events in this are dependent on shit that happened in that.
Episode 1 "Meet the contestants" (Heeheehee, pretending we care and all)
Scary Announcer person (who is actually the author, who CAN be scary sometimes, believe it or not...): Well, I know you've been waiting forever (like 3 months) for the next story to be written, and here it is: Harvest Moon Survivor!!
But, instead of being on an island, or something lame like that, it's going to take place on Moon Mountain. They will compete for some undefined prize (hasn't been decided at this point) and one person will be voted off every few hours, or whenever I feel like it. The participants are:
Jack (who is now part of the Penguins Take Over the World Alliance)
Bakery Dude and Kai (who are still together from the last story)
Karen and Elli (who bring with them a whole bunch of alcoholic beverages to "share")
Kent, Stu and May (who count as one and will for sure be the first to be voted off)
Cliff (who is still pissed about not getting his "Millionaire" money, also brings with him his Informative Field Guide to the Plants and Animals of Moon Mountain)
Saibara the Artisan (who, after realizing he wasn't in Nebraska either, decided he would enter the contest)
"Bessie" (Jack's pregnant male cow)
and...
Popuri (the freaky pink-haired red-eyed flower-selling person).
Mmmkay, the main rules are, you can go anywhere on the mountain, but if you leave, (like go to the crossroads) you are disqualified; no complaining or whining when you get voted off; no having visitors on the mountain; and no hypnotizing, brainwashing, voodoo, or any freaky shit like that...it's cheating.
Saibara: Aww, dammit! Does that mean I can't bring my cursed rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle?
Announcer: Can it be used as a flotation device?
Karen: (is really drunk) I'll use your ass for a flotation device! (collapses onto Cliff)
Announcer: What the fuck!
Saibara: Umm, I guess...
Announcer: Ok then, you can bring it. Does anyone else have any questionable items?
Jack: What about my pet crab? (starts to unzip his pants to show everyone)
Announcer: (quickly hands him one of those little black "censor" bars to cover it) It's fine, I guess.
Jack: Yeah, I know he's pretty hot, but what I mean is can I bring him along on the mountain?
Announcer (I'm going to get tired of writing out that entire word pretty quick): Yes, Jack.
Stu: (holds up his electronic Speek 'n Spellit™) I'm bringing this along to learn how to read. Yeah, I'm like 12 years old and I still can't read. What am I, retarded or something?
Kent+May: We all are!
Announcer: You can have it.
Stu: (walks away, typing "yew kin haf eet" into his Speek 'n Spellit™)
Speek 'n Spellit™: (beeps) Something about the relatives of a tree...?
Cliff: (after fighting a drunk and very messed up Karen off him) Can we go already?
Announcer: Yeah, I was thinkin' that. Is there anything left unsaid or undone?
Kai: (jumps up) Arid land's better because--
Jack: (runs over and punches him in the stomach, "accidentally" dropping his censor bar)
Everyone: (sees the crab hanging off his "wee-wee" and resists the urge to barf)
Stu: (types "wee-wee" into his Speek 'n Spellit™)
Speek 'n Spellit™: Wow, you finally got one right, you fucking dumbass kindergarten-educated retard!
Stu: (types "dumbass kindergarten-educated retard" into his Speek 'n Spellit(TM))
Speek 'n Spellit™: Oh no! You've said the one thing that can destroy me! Ahhhh! (self-destructs)
Announcer: I guess you won't be bringing that.
Everyone: (hikes up to the top of Moon Mountain)
Jack's Dog: (rips up the censor bar, then runs away)
At the top of Moon Mountain...
Elli: Hey Karen! Remember that time when it was like, you and me and Jack were up here, and we were like-- (makes a strange movement that no one but Karen understands) --and then...
Karen: Oh yeah! That was hella funnie!
Jack: That was like, four days ago.
Karen: Shut up! I'll make your ass into four days ago! (breaks a bottle over his head)
Jack: Ow! Good thing I have my nifty new Plastic Censor Bar™ to protect me!
Announcer: Where did you get that? (checks to see if all hers are still there, minus the one that Jack's Dog stole)
Jack: I found it on the ground where LDTLITFPALLAP (1) lives. Oooh! I wonder what LDTLITFPALLAP was doing with a censor bar! (ties the new one around his neck so that it covers him "there")
Announcer: You know, it would be easier if you just put your pants back on.
Jack: Yeah, I know. But this is so much more fun.
Announcer: Fine, do whatever makes you happy.
Jack: Ok! (walks around showing everyone his crab and asking if they want to touch it, which no one does)
Cliff: Can we just get started already? My million dollars is getting stale.
Announcer: So sure you're going to win, eh? (shouting to the other "survivors") Hasty and conceited! Remember this and vote him off first!!! (2) But seriously, we do need to get started. We're wasting the whole afternoon just doing stupid stuff.
Bakery Dude (I finally got a line!): Oh, come on. You know real time isn't passing here. The Author can make this day last as long as she wants.
Announcer (who is the author): Yes. All praise the almighty Author!
Cliff: Ok, does anyone really care?
Announcer/Author: I feel like voting someone off now. Who votes for Cliff?
Stu: I want my Speek 'n Spellit™ back!
Karen: I want that bottle I broke over Jack's head back!
Cliff: I want my sanity back...
A few hours later...
Announcer/Author (who will go by A/A from now on): Ok everyone. It's time for the first immunity challenge. After that, someone... (long pause)
(cue mysterious music)
(no mysterious music plays)
A/A: Ok-dammit! Who's in charge of sound? Someone's about to get fired! Well, anyways, someone's gonna get voted off in a minute. But if you have this Immunity Idol-- (holds up Jack's cake card) --you can't get voted off.
Jack: Hey, that's mine! (runs over and tries to grab it, "accidentally" dropping his Plastic Censor Bar™...again)
"Bessie": (walks over and begins to chew on it) Moooo! This tastes funny!
Popuri: You can talk?
Stu: Of course he/she can. He/she used my Speek (3) 'n Spellit™.
Jack: (fails to reclaim his cake card, sits on the ground cross-legged (showing everything) and pouts)
Cliff: Talking pregnant male cows! Retarded twelve-year-olds! Popuri! There's too much freaky shit on this mountain!
Elli: Cliff, you seem kind of pissy. Is it "that time of the month", you know?
Karen: No, he just needs this. (gives him a shot of sedative straight into his brain)
Cliff: Oooh, I feel happy now. (passes out in a bush)
"Bessie": (begins to eat his hair) Mmmmmm, spiky anime hair. My favorite.
A/A: Will everyone just shut up while I explain this game? Otherwise I'm just going to vote all your asses off, then I get the [undefined prize]. I have the power. Heh heh heh...
Everyone (except Cliff): Yes. All hail the almighty Author. (are silent)
A/A: Ok, here's the game. I'm going to give each of you a piece of string with a hook on it. The first one to catch a fish wins immunity. You can fish anywhere on the mountain, but remember that you can't go anywhere else off the mountain, or you'll be disqualified.
Everyone: (gets their piece of string and wanders away, looking for a good place to fish)
Jack: (goes to the fisherman's pond and calls for LDTLITFPALLAP so he can bribe him for a fish)
Kent Stu & May: (stand right where they are and keep casting their lines in the dirt) (Stu) Hmm, I wonder why we're not catching anything...
Cliff: (wakes up several minutes later, walks around fishing at different spots but doesn't catch anything. Eventually sneaks through the bushes up to the restaurant)
Jack: (takes his fish and stands by the pond) I wonder what would happen if I threw it back in..? (throws it in the water)
LDTLITFPALLAP: (under the water, catches the fish, then slowly materializes on top of the water. Looks at Jack) Uhh...I just gave this to you. Why did you throw it back?
Jack: That's not what you're supposed to say!
LDTLITFPALLAP: Oh. Ok. Wow. You gave me a fish. Thank you. As if I don't have enough already. In return, I will give you this...fish. (hands it back to Jack)
Jack: Kickass! I'm gonna win this contest for sure!
Cliff: (walks out of the restaurant with is nice big fish that he bought) Thank you! (walks back to A/A, being careful not to drop it)
Jack and Cliff: (arrive at the same time) I got here first!
A/A: Damn, you got here at the same time. I guess we'll judge by how big you fish are. (looks at the fish) Dammit! They're both the same size! Why do fish only come in three sizes in this....."game" we're in? Don't ask why I just said that, 'cause certainly we're not like part of a video game or anything. No, this is real life. Of course it is. Umm.....
Jack: What the hell are you talking about? Just tell us who won the fucking contest!
A/A: You both did. (shouts) Now it's time to vote someone off! (everyone is just suddenly there in front of her) Ok, just write down who you hate the most in this "game", then be quiet while I count them.
Everyone: (thinks "deeply" then writes on their cards)
A/A: Ok, is everyone done? (gathers all the voting cards) Here are the things written on the cards...
"Bessie" (voted for) Jack
Authoress - Cliff
Jack - ?
Karen - "Bessie"
Elli - Kai
Bakery Dude - Saibara
Kai - Elli
Cliff - Author
Saibara - Saibara
and one that says "I don't think anyone should be voted off. Why can't we all just be friends?" Hmm, I wonder who wrote that one.
Everyone: (looks at Popuri, who is picking flowers and putting them in her hair)
A/A: Anyways, Saibara the Artisan wins with two votes. But one of them looks like his own handwriting. Odd....
Saibara: (rubs sand in his hair) It is.
A/A: Why did you vote for yourself?
Saibara: (shakes his head, flinging sand at everyone) Because...I just realized I'm not in Tennessee either!!!
A/A: Ok, that was weird. (rubs sand out of her eyes) Get off my mountain then.
Saibara: (walks away picking up "interesting" looking rocks as he goes along)
A/A: That's it for this episode. Stay tuned for the next (dramatic pause) Harvest Moon Survivor!
Index of Footnotes
(1) - Little dude that lives in the fisherman's pond and looks like a platypus.
(2) - No, I really have not chosen who the winner is ahead of time. We'll just see how things go as I write the story out.
(3) - Spelled wrong on purpose, if you haven't figured that out yet.
AN2: There's more (obviously), but I'm working on changing the format, because the original way I typed it makes it really hard to read. Tell me if this is a good format (names bold and actions italic), or if I should do it some other way.
AN3: Has anyone noticed my obsession with footnotes and AuthorNotes?