Summary: What happens when an army of Mary Sues bewitch the general population of Hogwarts into falling in love with them and cause other catastrophes? Now it's up to the teachers to save the wizarding world… But can they do it with Dumbledore and Harry acting like total idiots?
Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling. All bow before her. I own nothing.
Also, I'm not making fun of the Harry Potter books or JK Rowling in any way. I completely worship the woman. Neither am I making fun of any specific author, just Mary Sues in general.
Harry woke up at the stroke of midnight on July 31st. This was for no particular reason other then that Harry is always awake and watching a clock on his birthday, though it is doubtful that Harry was even born at exactly midnight.
(A/N: Has anybody else realized this? Sorry, back to the story.)
At about 12:01 he began to reflect his entire life up to this point, his 16th birthday. Harry needed to remind himself that a) he was not a normal boy because he was an orphaned wizard b) he went to Hogwarts, a magical school where he was assaulted by the evil Lord Voldemort once a year and c) it was time for him to feel great remorse over the recent death of his godfather Sirius.
So Harry proceeded to do just that. A few hours later, he was interrupted by a loud tapping at his window.
Harry was also very paranoid because Voldemort was back (see 'b)' above). He immediately pulled out his wand and headed to the window cautiously.
"Who's there?" he demanded. "Show yourself! I KNOW IT'S YOU, VOLDEMORT!!!" Harry was now bordering on hysteria.
"Calm down, Harry! It's me, Ron." Ron's freckled face was in plain view. "I've come with Dad to get you to 12 Grimmauld Place in another flying car that the author doesn't wish to describe because she knows nothing about cars!" Harry saw Mr. Weasley wave and smack Ron on the head for being so clueless as to speak the place out loud.
Feeling rather foolish, Harry blushed. Oops. "But I never leave the Dursleys' house in the same way twice. And you've already used a flying car, in our second year, remember?"
Ron looked dismayed. "Oh, yeah… Bye then. I'll see you after the author finds a new way to get you out." The car sped away.
He felt disappointment for a second, then:
"HEY! YOU FORGOT TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
Ron must have had pretty good ears, because the distant cry of "Happy Birthday" floated back to him.
A little while later, in the early hours of the dawn, another tapping came from the window.
Harry again sprang off his bed and ran to the window. This time, he saw a stern, bespectacled face peering in at him. It was the face of Professor McGonagall.
He fumbled around for a bit, trying to open the window, but failed to do it quickly enough for her liking- McGonagall rolled her eyes impatiently and used her wand to open it. Then she slipped inside in as dignified a way someone could.
"Potter, Dumbledore sent me to retrieve you. Seems Arthur Weasley got to your house and realized the flying car method has been used before. We couldn't have that, so" -and she pulled out a piece of parchment- "we are using a Portkey."
Harry frowned. "Professor McGonagall?"
"Yes?" she said impatiently.
"Er, how do I know you aren't Vol- You-Know-Who in disguise, ready to murder me?"
"Because, Mr. Potter," she said as if explaining something to a very slow person, "You-Know-Who always comes at the end of the year. If he killed you off at the beginning, that would be the end of the book. "
"Oh..." That made sense to him.
Professor McGonagall sighed to herself. Why did she always have to get the assignments with stupid people? She resolved to bring this up at the next Order meeting.
"Do I still have people following me around?"
"Yes. They're invisible. Now stop asking stupid questions and pack up," she said shortly.
Harry did so, messily, but he was soon finished. He also grabbed Hedwig in her cage.
McGonagall produced a letter from her robes and put it on Harry's bed.
"Ready?"
"Yes."
They both touched the parchment and disappeared from 4 Privet Drive.
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