A/N: My first very own fanfiction. This came to my mind and I decided to try and make something of it. With special thanks to: iloveanimeguys since she really insisted that I should update a fic and to Belle Keat because she read it and helped me correcting it!! Dunno if it's any good but I've tried to make the best of it. ENJOY!!

Rating: T

Pain.

Blood.

Cut

Red

And eventually white.

That is the order of a wound. You feel the pain then blood flows from the cut. Once it's closed again it stays a red mark...Eventually leaving a mark, a scar, a white scar...He knew it so well and learned to perfectly hide it all.

Ichigo quickly looked up as he heard somebody at his door. The knife was hidden underneath his bed, his body underneath the sheets. He wouldn't tell, he wouldn't show, he couldn't, he had to be strong.

Abarai Renji opened the door, slowly, though, giving Ichigo time to hear him. His hair was for once, down away from it's ponytail and for once Rukia had found matching clothes, black leather pants with a red shirt. It was a set, as a thorned rose stem began on the bottom of the right leg and moved up to have the flower, a black one, on the right side of his shirt. All he had to do was look at Ichigo and he knew what was wrong. They were best friends, they both loved each other, but never said anything. Renji walked over to Ichigo and pulled him into a hug.

Ichigo refused to wrap his left arm around his friend, but the other clung to him.

A dampness against Renji's chest, soaking his shirt were Ichigo's face was pressed against him, it surprised Renji The slight shaking of his shoulders told him Ichigo was crying. "I'll catch you when ya fall..." he whispered softly. "But I have to know what you're going through." He tightened his grip a bit, and finally Ichigo let go, the fear and the responsibilities, the guilt, the lies and all that he had to hide came rushing back. He couldn't hold it back and had to release it. Renji was the only one he could trust this with and he had to tell. Had to share.

Renji let the substitute Shinigami go as he broke away from his embrace. "I'll tell you everything..." Ichigo's voice was small, broken and empty. "Don't judge me before you know and have seen everything...Promise me." He looked at Renji with dull brown eyes all spirit had left them. "I promise." Renji said, and followed Ichigo's instructions to go and sit on his desk chair and to not come close again until he was done with his story.

"I gotta protect them all. I've seen too much. This might not look like much, but it's is. I'll tell you how I feel and how I got this…this depressed, Renji. I'm broken. I'm lost." He paused for a minute, thinking about how he had to say this. "My family, Chad, Orihme, Tatsuki, Keigo, Mizuiro, Rukia and even you. I have to protect you all since you all are what keeps me going. I'm so afraid of my feelings. Not just how I feel but not being able to talk about it." He pauzed again, sighing.

His right hand absently ran over his lower left arm, blood staining the sheet even more. It wasn't really visible since the sheet had a black colour.

"I ackt like I don't care, you know that. I frown all the time...You know what I have to do to be like that? To face all the horrible thinks I've seen? I'm a fucking teenager, Renji! I've seen death, I've seen torture. I've seen it all, Renji. I've seen it all. I know I have to be strong for the others. I know I have and I am, you know that too."

His voice was on the edge of breaking again and Renji wanted to go to him, but Ichigo glared and motioned him to stay there. "Ever since I let Rukia pierce my heart to make me a Shinigami I took up the responsibility to protect. Not only those I know, but all the other innocent souls as well. At school, you're human and have to act like that...I hurt myself, Renji. I really do." Ichigo turned his back to Renji and pulled down his pants, he turned to face him again. Both of his upper legs had many scars. Some were recent made, but others were old. He showed him his arms. His right arm wasn't that injured if you compared it to his left. The cuts from before Renji had come in were still fresh and blood seeped out of the wounds. There were 10 deep cuts. Three of them had already closed up, but the others were still oozing blood.

Renji's eyes widened and he was already up and two steps towards Ichigo, before Ichigo held his hand up. "You promised! I'm not done yet." A flare of the old Ichigo was there, his spirit and his passion. Renji looked at his eyes and he sat down again with a sting to his heart. How could Ichigo hurt himself like that? The counting of the cuts was quick. 10, one for everybody. Isshin, Karin, Yuzu, Tatsuki, Mizuiru, Keigo, Chad, Ishida, Rukia and even one for Renji himself.

"I bleed my fear away. My insecurity. I hurt myself to feel the pain in order to be strong. The fear is gone until I'm alone and when I feel at school or some place else it's all going wrong I press into a cut. The stinging pain reminding me to be strong. Not only am I scared, not only my body his damaged, Renji. My soul is damaged. I never talk about it. The cuts come closer to my wrist, Renji. I knew it would end with me killing myself. Now you know all this, Renji. Will you still catch me when I fall?" Ichigo was vulnerable, he had told Renji his darkest secret. He felt light, as if he wasn't carrying it on his own anymore.

Renji smiled weakly, he was truly honoured that Ichigo had told him. "I'll get the first aid kit and then I'll tell ya what I'll do."

Renji went outside the room, closing the door and leaving a fearefull Shinigami. Renji encountered Isshin. He looked at him as if he knew. "He's broken. I'll try to fix him and when he's ready he'll tell you, Kurosaki-san. Don't push him. Keep on living as you do. Pretend to not know..." Renji told him, leaving Isshin as he went into the bathroom and got the first aid kit. "Wait with the attack until tomorrow. I'll hold him tonight."

When he got back into Ichigo's room, the orange haired man was relieved that Renji hadn't left him. They were silent as Renji treated the cuts and bandaged them. The silence kept on as Renji pulled off his clothes, leaving hismelf in his boxers and pulled Ichigo's remaining shirt off. He moved into the bed and pulled Ichigo against his strong chest.

"I'll hold you Ichigo, I'll catch you when you fall. I'll climb that mountain and I'll pull ya with me. Now, I know I won't let ya do it all alone."

Ichigo began to cry, but smiled a sincere smile, his brown, shiny eyes locking with the other's. Ichigo saw it was good, Renji would help him through it all and he would be there for him, and he knew he'd get better. He knew he had somebody to rely on and be held by. "I trust you, Renji." his voice holding a bit of his old strength. "I love ya,"

Renji smiled. "And I love ya too."

Renji held Ichigo that night and they knew it would be okay. Renji had known Ichigo was broken, but he didn't know he was messed up this badly.

Don't forget to rate and review. Also check out Belle Keat and iloveanimeguys there stories! They both rock!!

Loves and kisses

Midnight