Hey hey welcome to Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome, where I pull the strings and make the twilight characters do what I want. Please review, I need all the help I cant get, give me pointers please. Also I'm after a beta, give me a shout out if you think you could be that special someone in my life .
Disclaimer: Sadly all characters are Stephanie Meyers. Had they been mine, I'd keep them in an aquarium, all for my amusement, and race them-like you would with sea monkeys.
CHAPTER ONE- First Impressions? Pfft Who Needs Those?
You know how they say first impressions are everything? How they can shape the way a certain someone percieves you, each and every time you encounter them? How a first impression is lasting, and will haunt you for the rest of eternity?
I'm praying to every god, goddess, faith and religion out there that this isn't so. Otherwise the ground might as well open up and swallow me whole, because there's no way I can avoid him. I guess I should explain from the very beginning.
Firstly, my name is Isabella. Bella for short. Daughter to Renee and Charlie, and I have a step father, Phil- of course he's married to Renee. I have boring brown hair, and brown eyes. I like to write. I also have this knack for saying the wrong things- constantly. I also live with Alice.
Alice and I are best friends. We've known each other for several years now. How we became so, I'm not sure since Alice and I were extreme opposites of eachother. Lil' Miss Ball of Energy meets Lil' Miss Plain and Extremely Boring. But we hit off, and that's the main thing, even if her older brother, Edward constantly gave me the evil eyeball. I told Alice about this, and even she was baffled, apparantly while he had never really had issues with any of her other friends, he seemed to have issues with me. Ah how sweet life was at the Cullens. Her parents we the sweetest things; They had adopted Alice when she was thirteen, but she fit in so well you'd think the other siblings were the ones adopted.
Anyway, we graduated from Forks High, and went to some college in Alaska, while Edward trundled off to Dartmouth. Of course we'd travel back to Forks to see our folks over summer, and that one spring when Emmett (Alice's oldest brother) finally married his long time girlfriend, Rosalie.
When we became college graduates we decided to spread our metaphorical wings out to New York. Our parents, as in Carlisle, Esme, Renee, Phil and Charlie all chipped in to buy us an apartment in the big apple. To say we were excited was an understatement. I'm not sure there were words for that christmas.
So now, we're here. We both work for a leading women's magazine; Alice as a fashion editor and I, as a sexual health, and body image writer. As well as our jobs at the magazine, Alice works as a personal shopper for wealthy clients, and I, under the psuedonym, Missy, write the sex advice column for the local rag that circulates around the city.
Back to this terrible first impression. Okay it wasn't exactly a first impression; I had met him, many times before. But it was the first time seeing him in what? Five years?
Alice and I had decided to throw one of those sex parties. Not the ones with screaming orgies, but the ones where you all look and try out different toys, lingerie and such. So the night came, and we had a dozen horny women sipping on sexually named cocktails, playing with various whips, chains and dildos. Of course our co-worker Jessica, in her loud obnoxious voice asks,
"Bella, how do you give a good blow job?"
My first impression was to snort long and loud. The girl was the office slut, sleeping with everyone, from the janitor to Mike, the delivery boy. And she was asking me? Hah! But of course, one too many screaming orgasms, had me walk up to the table confidently, picking up the plastic cock and run my tongue along it. The girls all hooted as I slid the damn thing into my mouth, smirking at the face Jessica made; she thought I would be too prude or be totally clueless. Proof blondes are dumb-I write the sexual health column, surely I'd have an idea how to give a damn good blow.
So there I was , sucking the life out of this plastic penis, encouraged by the cheering, when the room falls silent, and a rich velvety chuckle fills the room. With my face rapidly heating, I turn to face the owner of such a lovely laugh.
Tall, lean-but muscley. Green eyes and copper hair. The star of the many sexual fanatasies women have conjoured up after they layed eyes on him. Maybe even the men. I choke on the dick, which is still firmly lodged down my throat.
Of course, the first time in ages I decide to get drunk and humiliate myself, it'd be in front of his gorgeous self. In front of Alice's older brother.
Edward Anthony Masen Cullen.
-Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome-
I still cringe at the memory. And it was only yesterday.Turns out he took an earlier flight- several days earlier. Alice and I were't expecting him unitl Wednesday. He was staying in the spare bedroom of our apartment for several months as he launched his career in the Big Apple. Why he was staying with us, we don't know. But of course, we did the whole family thing, and let him. But it still had me confused, I'm pretty sure he still had issues with me, so I nailed it down to him being a cheapskate.
So now that your up to date with my life, leading up to me lounging on the couch, sipping two raw eggs as I fight off the worlds biggest hangover and the world's biggest shame in one sitting. I swirled the gooey mess around in my glass, a strange feeling of melancholy filling me. I heard heavy footsteps, and I glanced at the clock.
Eight thirty.
Much too early for a hungover Alice. I heard them pause at her door.
"Don't bother waking her Edward- it'd be easier to nail Jello to a tree." I called, gulping down the rest of the eggs, shuddering at the sensation.
"Ah Bella nice to seee you without a dick down your throat, how are you?" He smirked at me.
"Can it, you're in my apartment, and I'm hungover." I snapped at him. Storming off to the bathroom, I decided to drown myself in the hot water, hoping that would perhaps wash away my shame.
Well it didn't do that; it just reminded me that I had two deadlines to meet. Feeling frustration fill me, I threw on a pair of cotton shorts and a tee before I pulled out my Mac and settled on the couch, opposite a still smug Edward. Growling under my breath, I flipped it open, and began to finish the article I had started earlier in the week. My fingers hovered over the keys, trying to find the train of thought I had grasped two days ago. Dammit, not coming.
"ALICE!" I bellowed, stomping off to her room. "What was the point I was trying to make in my article for this month?"
"That sex is not the prescribed textbook, but the twilight in the relationship." Alice mumbled, sitting up slowly as she wiped the sleep from her eye.
"Eh? Care to elaborate Al?" Edward came into the room, carrying a large cup of cream, caffiene and sugar. He handed it to her and she took a huge sip.
"Well, it came to us as we mulled over Jessica's willingness to fuck anything with legs. You see, a lot of men see sex as a crucial part of a relationship, but it's really a luxury- that's where the analogy came in. In college, you get all kinds of textbooks you have to read, it's expected when you enroll. But Twilight; you read it because its extreme awesomeness and you want to, no one's forcing you. Remember Bella?"
"Ah yes, it's definitely coming back. I think I'll be able to finish in time for our weekly scrabble tournament."
"Scrabble?" Edward lifeted his eyebrow in question. I scowled.
"Yes scrabble Edward. We play over champagne, it keeps us eloquent."
"Eloquent, smeloquent. I bet it's just a ploy to get drunk."
"I'll have you know-"
"Fucking hell, SHUT THE HELL UP, im hungover." Alice whined, shoving us both out of the room.
"Jerk."
"Bitch." I turned my nose up childishly and stomped off to my room, scooping my laptop up on my way.
-Stiletto in Mouth Syndrome-
I lay on my bed, unsure of what to do. There was still half an hour until the scheduled scrabble match. My dilema? I could go out there and socialize-but that would mean talking to Edward. I didn't really know when we got so hostile, nor why. I was always nice to him, well up until the last year of college, last night was the first time in ages we had seen eachother, let alone spoken.
A dim memory of him telling me it was better if we weren't friends popped into my head, I never worked out why. Sighing, I rolled over. My brain was hurting from all the thinking I was doing. I can't say I ever tried to improve the relationship between me and Edward, but why should I try? Maybe because he's living in your house Bella…? I huffed at myself. The reasoning was water tight. Didn't mean I had to like it.
I would have to admit, I did have a crush on Edward as a senior-he was being halfway decent to me then. By halfway decent, I mean less glaring and no laughing at Emmet's jokes. And by jokes, it was more lets tease Bella time. But of course that little crush was abruptly ended when he spilt sauce all over my white mini skirt.
"Bella!" I whipped my head around to the door. "Jake's on the phone, he wants to know if your still up for your play date?" I rolled my eyes. Alice always called them play dates. She thought Jacob had a thing for me, which he didn't, we were just good friends.
"Tell him sure, pick me up at seven." I shouted back, as I pulled myself up off the bed. I walked over to the door, opening it smoothly. Of course I wouldn't be Bella if I didn't trip over the threshold. I only just manged to catch myself in time. One day, I won't be so clumsy.
"Yeah sure Bella, one day." Edward called out. I blushed, I didn't think I had said it out loud. Of course I didn't have a comeback so I shut my mouth and pulled out the scrable board, settling it on the glass coffee table Esme chose when we first moved in. I pulled the stupid plastic things out of the bag, and lined them up on opposite ends of the board. I grabbed the champagne flutes with the numbers 'twenty one' embellished in gold and the bubble and set them next to the plastic things. I wonder what they're called… I found myself musing. Of course, I then did the second dumbest thing of my incredibly short life.
"Edward, do you want to play?" Of course I never anticipated a yes. And since every god out there hates me, a yes is just what I got.
Fuming I pulled out another plastic thing. Really, after spending half my time playing scrabble you'd think I'd have something more imaginative to call them. We all sat around the table, pulling out tiles and spelling random words out, occasionally cheering when we hit a high scoring word.
It was out third game of the evening when the first blow was struck. Edward's face looked so smug, I suddenly felt incredibly nervous. Nerves struck out to anger as I read the word he had just placed over a triple word score.
Blowjob. A very low blow indeed.
I was immensely pleased that I hadn't used the 'h' yet. Now I could articulate 'asshat' onto the board as I jutted my chin out defiantly toward Edward. Alice cocked her head to the side, frowning before adding on 'stop'.
"Unimpressive Alice." Edward said, before adding a 'w-h-r-e' around the 'o' in stop.
"Real mature Cullen, you know that's not true." I spat at him, flippng the board over.
"And that is?" he said, quirking up an eyebrow, now matching Alice. I threw my hands up in the air. I'd argue with him later. Right now I had to meet up with Jake.