Hey folks! :)
As you might know, I'm still drowning in Gintama feels, specifically suffering from HijikataxGintoki fever. I hadn't been obsessed with an anime pairing in a long time and this is even more serious than my K obsession. This particular idea for a fanficion has been developing in my head for quite some time now, for months to be precise. It's really not very original and I'm pretty sure someone did something like this already. But well... I like this idea and so here we go!
Hope, you enjoy this little fanfiction. I tried to keep it as close to the original Gintama humor as possible.
Chapter 1 Coffee with Mayonnaise
It was just a normal day, as normal as any in the life of the Vice-Chief of the Shinsengumi.
He was on a stakeout.
Because Yamazaki had a heavy flu, Hijikata had to step in. What a disgrace. Had Kondou not stopped him, Hijikata would have had him commit Seppuku. Now he had to sit here in this stupidly cute café and wait. It was his day off, too. Not that he had a problem working, but this café had a strict anti-smoking policy and he was craving a cigarette since the minute he walked in here. Which had been 27 minutes and 13 seconds now.
Hijikata Toushirou was sitting in a lovely little lounge decorated with cute, puffy, pink cushions. Above his head a mobile of hearts and stars hang down while the coffee table was adorned by a pink-white checkered tea cloth and a tea set right out of a Ghibli movie. The room was filled with cute J-Pop music and dozens of high school girls eating lemon cake with purple frosting and hazelnut cream and rainbow sprinkles. The sight alone made his teeth ache. Speaking of sight: he certainly was an odd one in this girly pink café. A grumpy man in his mid-twenties, sitting alone in a corner, drinking coffee out of a cup with the face of Bunny Tsukino on it. Pathetic.
He folded his arms and his sharp eyes skimmed the room for any potential criminals. So far, only pubescent teenagers had come in. Maybe the hint he got was a diversionary tactic? Even so, it was worth a shot. And if it meant catching these damn drug-dealing terrorists, then Hijikata Toushirou was on it.
He took a sip of his mayonnaise coffee and considered it a bit thin. As he grabbed his personal mayonnaise flask, the one he always had with himself, his face distorted. He squeezed the last remains out into his coffee cup and grew even gloomier. In the rush this morning he had totally forgotten to take his backup flash with him. Coffee just tasted nasty without it. But he couldn't just go to buy a new one now for he had to stay focused. This may be the perfect chance to finally catch these criminals who had been bothering them for months.
It was this very morning they had gotten a hint from a reliable source. The hint pointed to a secret meeting of the local drug bosses in this very café around noon. Hijikata had been here since 10:30 am, just to be sure. And ever since then he had been waiting. Even though he didn't wear his Shinsengumi outfit, he still stood out. A grown man alone drinking coffee in this kind of place… Oh man, talking about a badly executed undercover mission. If Yamazaki didn't buy him at least a year worth of mayonnaise, he would make him commit seppuku for real!
As the Vice Chief took another sip and closed his eyes for a second, he couldn't hear the footsteps coming in his direction. What he heard instead a few seconds later was the annoying voice of someone who indeed sounded like a criminal. And frankly, was one too.
"Oi! You're sitting in my favorite place!"
Slowly, his forehead already showing signs of a throbbing vein, Hijikata opened his eyes just to look at a pretty bad eyesore. Of course, none other than the shady, good-for-nothing samurai with the rotten teeth would stand before him. Was it time for such an episode again? Hadn't the last one been just a few weeks ago? He was so fed up with seeing him. Every time they met, it ended in disaster. Still, he tried to stay cool and ignore him.
"Go away, I'm working."
"And if you'd be painting your nails with mayonnaise here, you're still sitting in my place!" Sakata Gintoki was in a foul mood, which was kind of obvious. He did that thing with his chin again and the sadistic look in his eyes flared up.
God, why him? Why always him? Hijikata, with his arms still folded, looked at him unimpressed. "What does your place mean anyway? Are you a regular here? What are you? A twelve year old girl?"
The silver-haired samurai growled. He wasn't exactly pleased to see him either. "Hell yeah, I'm a regular! This place serves the best strawberry parfait in town! And you're sitting in the best spot in this entire café!"
"Like hell I care." Hijikata glared. "This is the best spot for a stake-out because I can overlook the entire room. I need it for working, so shove off!"
"What did you say you bastard? I reserved this very spot yesterday! And now I find you here soiling this place with your dog food, you mayonnaise freak!"
"Apologize to mayonnaise you sugar freak! I told you I'm here on urgent police business, so take another booth and get diabetes there!"
"No way!" Gin's eyes shot daggers as he grinded his teeth. "Not today! I finally have a date with Ketsuno Ana! But instead of finding a beautiful weather lady, I find this ketsu no ana*!"
"Who're calling an asshole, you asshole!" The vein on his forehead almost turned into a burning trail of fire as he looked at him with clenched fists. "I'm here because we're close to catching one of the mafia bosses who's selling illegal space drugs! Get out of my face or I will arrest you for obstructing a police officers duties!"
"You did that already and I don't want to go through this kind of mess again!" complained the silver-haired sweet tooth and demonstratively sat next to him in the booth. "These seats are mine. Ketsuno Ana finally agreed to go on a date with me and I reserved this exact spot so she will marry me the minute she sits down next to me!"
"What the hell are you doing! I'm sitting here!"
"Hello Gin-san~" A cute waitress on roller skates wearing a pink fluffy skirt and white-red checkered tights was passing the table and smiled at them cheekily. "Anything to eat or drink?"
"Ah yes, I'd like a strawberry parfait with extra anko and whipped cream. Go add it to this guy's tab. He's paying."
"What?! Like hell I am!"
Sakata Gintoki looked at him pissed and arrogantly at the same time. "Of course you are, freak. Not only are you sitting in my favorite spot, you're also poisoning this place with your disgusting cigarette smell and you promised me a parfait in the lottery ticket episode. And you ruined my parfait the last time we were forced to sit in a café due to one of your damned stakeouts! Plus, I'm a little bit short on money right now."
"Didn't you say you're on a date? So you intended to let her pay? What kind of adult are you?"
Although still pissed, Gin was much calmer now, switching into his sadist mode. The look, that he gave the man with the dark olive hair, hit bull's eye. "What kind of adult am I? I'm a regular customer here and everyone knows I come here for the food. You're just a creepy old man, here to stalk cute high school girls, for all I know. You're a lolicon*."
"I am not!"
"Um, I'll just bring you your usual, too, sir." The waitress smiled uncomfortably and hurried back to the counter.
"See?" Gintoki leaned back and grinned devilishly. "I'm not the only one thinking that."
Hijikata's head flared up red with anger and shame. This bastard always embarrassed him in public. He would cave his skull in! "I will arrest you if you don't leave immediately!"
"And I will waste you if you ruin my chance to marry Ketsuno Ana!"
"If you want to marry a gigantic asshole, marry yourself!"
"Haaah? What was that? Wanna taste my fist?"
"If anyone's gonna taste something, it's you and it will be your blood!"
"You wanna go, huh? Alright then! Let's settle this outside! The winner gets the booth!"
"Fine with me! I will kick your sorry ass!"
"Alrighty~, here's the parfait for you Gin-san and the coffee with extra mayonnaise for you, sir."
Both men looked at the cute waitress smiling innocently at them before skating off to the next table. The two samurai glared back to each other, then their orders.
"Enjoy your last mayonnaise freak show, you'll need all the calories for the fight." Gintoki teased.
And Hijikata smiled madly. "Fine. Then you'll have fun with your meal… for it will be your last."
Snarling, both of the men started finishing their orders. The policeman drank the hot coffee in one go while the jobless samurai gulped down the parfait as if they were having an eating contest. Finally, Hijikata smashed his Sailor Moon cup down on the table, his throat throbbing and burning. Just a second later, Gin, with his mouth still full and ice cream dripping down his chin, did the same and glared at his sworn archenemy. Energetically, and trouble seeking, the two idiots stood up and walked out of their booth.
Gintoki must have taken just a few steps towards the exit, as he heard a strange noise, like a "thud". A little bit confused and swallowing the last bit of ice cream, he turned around.
He found Hijikata lying on the ground.
He must've tripped and fell, now lying incapacitated on the also pink-white checkered floor tiles. The silver-haired man couldn't suppress laughter and wiped away the remnants of his parfait on his cheek. "Well, well! Did you finally get a heart stroke from all the trash you gulp down? Or is it you ate laxative again, heh?"
As Hijikata neither moved nor replied, the Yorozuya leaned over him and poked his back. "Oi, oi! Are you giving it to me for free? You, giving up so easily, mayo freak?" He kicked him, so his knocked-out body would flip over. As he saw his face cringe in pain, Gin grinned nastily. "Uh, seems like a laxative attack again. Well, have fun on the can for me, rotten bastard!"
"Urgh…" Hijikata's face turned green and blue and for a second the run-down samurai almost felt sorry. Then, a moment later, the Shinsengumi officer opened his eyes and looked up, right into the face of his sworn enemy. He heard him say something, but didn't understand a word. Instead, Hijikata Toushirou's face turned red again and his heart skipped a beat.
The broke samurai smiled viciously. "So, are you giving up or do I need to give your face a plastic surgery first?"
And before he knew it, he was down.
Suddenly, it was his turn to lie on the floor. A man with striking steel blue eyes and olive brown hair on top of him, pinning him down with his hands. All at once, Hijikata looked fine. Well, fine might not have been the right word. His eyes were clear and full of emotions, his face hard and his voice trembling with excitement.
"Go out with me."
"Eh… Ehhhhhh?" Gintoki's eyes twitched. What did he just say?
Since they were lying in the corridor between the tables, all of the girls were staring at them. The two at the table right next to them started whispering, utterly shocked. "Did he just say he wants to go on a date with him?"
"Yes! Omg, you think they are…"
"Go out with me, Yorozuya." The demonic Vice Commander repeated, still frighteningly serious.
"Y-You're kidding me, right, Hijikata-kun…?" Gintoki stuttered, half embarrassed, half frightened for his life.
"I'm not." He leaned down to him, his eyes closing as in an attempt to kiss him. His voice was loud enough for half of the café to hear. "I love you."
A hard kick in his face was the answer he got. The policeman slid back and hit his head hard, as the good-for-nothing samurai sat up and stared at him utterly disbelieving. A weird mixture of shock, embarrassment and rage made his voice shake. "What the hell? What's wrong with you now? You hit your head too hard?"
The mayonnaise lover got up, too and looked towards Gintoki with a hurt and longing expression. "I-it's not like I like you or anything… but you have to go out with me."
"What kind of logic is that? Why are you acting all tsundere-like now?"
Seemingly embarrassed, Hijikata turned around to hide his reddish cheeks. "Don't yell at me, you are so mean, baka!"
Completely dumbfounded, Gin stared at him and couldn't believe his eyes. What the fuck was going on here? Why the hell was he acting like a high school girl right out of a shojo novel? It was almost as if the policeman was cursed again, like the time he was cursed by his sword. Only this time, he turned into an annoying bastard who wanted to go out with him!
"Stay the hell away from me!" As the Shinsengumi officer moved towards him, Gintoki started yelling again, though he stopped in between, when he saw a suspicious person right at the counter of the café. He wore a black hood that covered most of his body and the only thing visible was a hell of a nasty smile. In this moment, something clicked in Gin's head.
Hijikata said he was on a stakeout to catch a criminal? Someone dealing with illegal drugs? Was this the one he was talking about? Was he been had?
As the suspicious figure felt Gin's gaze, it grinned even harder and stormed out of the café. Oh no, no! Furiously, the Yorozuya got up and started chasing after him. No! Not on his date with Ketsuno Ana! Not today! Not this time! He was not in the mood for this!
Gin managed to chase after the suspicious drug dealer for exactly 3 seconds before a pair of arms entangled his belly and tore him down to the ground again. He hit his nose pretty hard and his head spun for a second as he rolled over to the side. Above him, Hijikata looked down like he had tears in his eyes. "Don't leave me, Sakata-san!"
Now, Gintoki's forehead was about to explode from all the throbbing veins that sprouted there. Cursing and disgusted, he shoved him aside and ignored the chuckling of the fangirly high school girls around him. "Cut the crap, you creep! And don't touch me with your greasy mayonnaise fingers!"
"But, I don't want you to leeeaaave!" The cop wined and held him tight, no matter what.
It took a very hard head butt and a kick in the nuts to shake off this maniac. Finally freed, Gintoki got up and stormed out of the café. In the busy streets outside the shop he couldn't spot the mysterious criminal anymore. Furiously, he stopped a few passers-by and shook them violently. "Have you seen a weird person wearing a black coat running off somewhere?"
But the only weird person was a man in a white kimono with blue swirls attacking innocent people in the streets. And the more he screamed, the more desperate he got, the more he lost track of the criminal. In the end, he stood in front of the cute little café with exhausted lungs and a pulse way to high. Crap!
Cursing, tearing his hair, Gin kicked a can on the ground and sent it flying. But before he could do anything else, something glued itself onto him. Or rather someone. A very clingy Hijikata hugged him from behind and started kissing his neck, as his voice shrieked with excitement.
"Sakata-san, you smell so nice! Let's go back inside and eat a parfait together!"
A little tear rolled down his cheek. Why now? Why today? The day had started so wonderfully! And now, instead of meeting the love of his life, he had to deal with this kind of freak! Why was life so unfair! With him being around, there was no way he could meet her!
"Gintoki-san, what are you doing he-" An awful familiar voice woke him up.
As he looked into the eyes of his favorite weather lady, he died a little bit inside. Really? Now?
She was shoved away by a suddenly very bossy Hijikata, who had one hand around his new lover, the other on his hip. "I don't know who you are, but this man is my boyfriend now and I don't like sluts like you calling him by familiar names."
A devastating kick to his abdominal brought the policeman to his knees. Gin kicked him a few more times to be sure, then he turned around to Ketsuno Ana and smiled frantically. "Ahhh, don't mind him! He-he's talking nonsense! He's on drugs and I am most certainly not in any kind of relationship with him. So, anyways, I'm glad you finally came, Ketsuno Ana!"
The brown-haired lady, while still a little confused, tilted her head and smiled apologetically. "Ah about that. I'm sorry but I came here to tell you I won't be able to meet you today. I am terribly busy at work. Maybe some other time?"
"Ha-hah…" Gintoki's face broke like a mirror. But even before he could react properly, she dealt the finishing blow. Her smile was as sweet as the parfait he would have bought for her.
"Next time we could go see a movie with your boyfriend? I'm sure it would be fun!"
As the samurai froze to a pathetic block of ice, the love of his live waved him goodbye with a smile. "Sorry, I have to hurry! See you around!"
She was a few yards away before he could finally scream after her, desperately. "For the love of god, we're not together!"
"So this is the situation." He concluded with a bugged expression on his face.
Kondou and Okita could see that. The white-haired samurai sat before them in their head quarter, a very clingy Vice Commander at his side, hugging him like a teddy bear.
While Okita suppressed a chuckle, Kondou scratched his head and tried to smile. "Sorry Yorozuya. It seems you were dragged into our business again."
"Don't expect me to help you this time!" He growled and occasionally punched the policeman purring like a cat beside him. It didn't make him stop. "I just want you to get rid of him! I already have one stalker! I don't need another!"
"It's not that easy, Yorozuya-san." The Commander pondered. "We've been chasing these criminals for months now, but we hadn't had a hot trail yet. Though it seems, they're on our tail now. To think Toushi would get poisoned like this…"
"And falling in love with danna*, it's just tough luck." Okita grinned and grabbed his camera to take photos of them.
Before he could, however, Gintoki crushed the thing with his hand, a scary expression on his face. "Don't make fun of me, Okita-kun. I'm in a very foul mood today."
But Okita Sougo just smiled and shrugged it off. "Oh, though I don't know why. You two are such a cute couple."
"Want me to smash your rotten head, huh?" Really, Gin was not kidding about his mood.
"Calm down you two." Kondou tried diplomatically and examined his guest carefully. "Yorozuya-san, this is a very delicate matter. The drug Toushi took is called Love Potion. It's a very strong drug sold on the black market right now. It makes someone fall in love with the person he or she first lays eyes upon. As far as we know, it lasts up to a few days, sometimes a week, and has several stages of how the persons are showing their affection. Vile citizens are using them to keep their loved ones drugged, so they can-"
"Hold your horses, man!" Gin interrupted him, his eyes squinting. "A few… days?!"
"Yes, it's quite strong and let's the person involved fall insanely in love with someone. So we're-"
But Gin wouldn't let him finish. He was losing it. "Are you fucking kidding me? A few days, maybe a week?! Does that mean I have to endure this piece of shit even longer? I don't have time for this crap! Besides, didn't we have something along these lines in a chapter some time ago*? Are you that uncreative? Are you that desperate?"
While Hijikata kissed Gintoki's shoulder and got knocked down the same instant, Kondou scratched his cheek again. "Well, I'm sorry Yorozuya. There's nothing we can do about it, really. Seems like you just have to endure it a little bit longer. We're on it to solve the case."
"No! NO!" He protested violently, standing up now. "This is unacceptable! I've always known you're incompetent tax thieves, but this is as far as it goes! I will not babysit this guy! Gin-san is an innocent citizen you have to protect! And in this case it's to protect me from your horny Vice Commander!"
"Really, there's nothing we can do-"
"Throw him in a cell and let him rot there! I don't care! He's driving me crazy! I'll kill him if this continues any further!"
"Danna." Okita smiled. "We couldn't possibly do that to our Vice Chief. Also, he would break out as soon as possible to be reunited with his lover anyway. So just bear with it a little longer."
Gin's eyes burned like fire and he breathed heavily, trying to threaten the two policemen. Okita just enjoyed the show, while Kondou watched the scene with a hopeless smile. "Sorry, Yorozuya. Please take good care of Toushi. The effect should wear off in a few days anyway."
Furious, Gin looked down to where the policeman was grinding himself against his arm. Hijikata shot him a smitten look and batted his eyes like crazy. "I love you, Gin-san! Let´s get married and have children!"
ONLY OVER HIS DEAD BODY!
Thanks for reading! Hope yoy enjoyed it! Your Eniell
Annotation
*Ketsu no Ana means Asshole
*Lolicon refers to a strong sexual desire in middle-aged man for girls and young women. Hence, Gintoki is calling Hijikata a pervert.
*Danna means "boss", Okita always calls Gintoki this
*Gintoki referrers the Love Potion-Ark (Chapter 492-496)