The Paleness of Yellow, a maria-sama ga miteru fanfic

A/N: Hey guys! Hope everything is going well. I realized the other day that I have never read a Yoshino/Shimako fic, and this is my attempt at it. While I had planned this story to be relatively short, it seems to have gotten away from me. This is my first time writing intently from Yoshino's point of view so hopefully she doesn't come across as too OOC.

Anyways, read and review and enjoy!

The Paleness of Yellow

You've never thought of her outside the context of the Yamayuri before, but when you find her in the theater department's changing room, pouting at herself in the mirror, you think she's cute.

Though this thought only lasts three seconds.

You watch her furrow her brows and attempt to look serve but her innate femininity –gentleness, beautiful blue eyes that always look a little bit sad- make the effort more comical than anything else.

You don't attempt to hide your laughter.

"What are you doing Shimako-san?" You ask as you watch with a morbid satisfaction her turn around in alarm. Though when she sees it's you, haughtiness draped across your skin, she smiles in relief though her cheeks are now dusted with pink.

"I'm attempting to be more masculine. Sachiko-sama said I had to work on it for the play." She breathes out.

You nod your head, a smirk playing on your lips because it wasn't difficult for you to play masculine despite your frail appearance.

"I'm sure you'll get it with a bit of work." You reply as you begin to remove your costume.

"Perhaps," she replies as she turns back to the mirror. You watch her, and she doesn't attempt to look more rugged, more masculine. Instead, you find her looking through her reflection into the looking glass alternate universe that you'll never be able to find yourself in.

This disjoints you, and as you scan the room, your eyes land on a prop box- bows and ribbons and glasses spewing from the top. You rummage through the box, and you can feel Shimako's eyes on you and your heart rate increases slightly and you decide to never figure out the reason behind the connection.

You find what you're looking for and hand it off to the current white rose.

"A moustache?" She asks, perplexed, as her thumbs stroke the synthetic fibers of black.

"Maybe if you look the part, you can act the part." You offer. She doesn't look convinced, but she trusts you and carefully sticks the mustache to her upper lip, scrunching her nose in the process.

"How does it look?"

Her moustache is lopsided, and though your first inclination is to laugh outright because when have you ever seen the graceful Shimako look so disheveled, but you don't because she's staring at you intently, biting her bottom lip in worry.

You stride forward and fix it for her but not before adding a faux humph in the process. You accidently touch her lip, and her eyes never leave you-always in that quite intensity and always so so guarded- and you have to fight the blush that threatens your skin. Your body feels entirely too warm.

You analyze and scrutinized her for all of ten seconds and though a part of you is extremely annoyed, you still can't help but think she still looks absolutely gorgeous. That the moustache in no way hindered her beauty. If anything, she just took on a different kind of beauty. Extremely feminine but an underlying audacity marring her features.

"I don't think it'll work."

You offer because you can't tell her anything else. You can't tell her that you don't want her to take it off. That you can't help but curse that she still manages to retain her flawlessness despite the silliness of the moustache. That for some reason your fingers are aching to touch her lips again. And perhaps again and again. You don't allow yourself to think about your own lips for the moment, but they ache too in a freshness that leaves you completely unsettled.

She nods her head, defeat hanging on the slight droop of her shoulders. She takes off the moustache and smiles at you in the process- little bits of hesitancy ingrained in slightly chapped lips.

"I believe I'm helpless, Yoshino-san."

She remarks before turning away from you and heads out the door but not before telling you that she'll see you in the Rose Mansion later in the day.

You nod and say a quiet goodbye, though it's gruff, because that's the only thing your body can manage on autopilot. Your mind is becoming incredibly attached to her moustache covered smile and the way her eyes bore into yours as if she wanted to meld herself with you.

You believe that you are going to be the helpless one.

She hasn't left your mind the days after, and this annoys you to no end. You tell yourself repeatedly that you could do better than to waste time thinking about this girl who is entirely too detached and entirely too focused on ruminating over emotions than focusing on practically but Shimako is utterly delightful when she's smiles to herself before she sips her tea.

Or when her hands slightly scratch her cheek.

Or when she manages to come out of her shell long enough to tease you about your schoolwork.

You find yourself looking forward to seeing her at student council meetings, and you've managed for the last three secessions to sit next to her, and while she's usually so self-contained in her movements, her knee sometimes touches yours, and your irritation with her dwindles.

She brings cookies to the Rose Mansion one day, and as every one else oohs and aahs at her growing baking skills, you sit annoyed at the table, sipping your tea languidly. You dislike coconut and that's what she had sprinkled on top of her cookies, and you believe that this small fault (though actually a non-fault) will be the thing that destroys your infatuation with her.

You desperately hope for this.

"Yoshino-san."

She's standing next to you, a small smile on her features as she places a separate container next to your teacup.

You look warily at her before opening the lid, and if you were annoyed with her before, you are even more so now because you can't stop the flush rushing up your neck and you can't stop the feeling of utter warmth seeping through your skin.

"Rei-sama mentioned that you hated coconut so I made these for you."

"Thank you, Shimako-san." You manage to say after a few moments of trying to find your tongue. "You're too kind."

She smiles and nods once before turning away and heading in Yumi and Noriko's direction. You follow her movements as you take a bite of your cookie: the sway of her chestnut hair, the practiced steps of her feet, the swing of her arms.

It taste like heaven and sin all at once.

You don't contemplate what your budding sexuality means in terms of your religion because while you go to a Catholic school you aren't necessarily Catholic. You find the world to be a tiptoeing and leaping of grey instead of a stanch and oppressive white and black. You want movement. You want fluidity.

You finally agree with yourself that you like Shimako more than just as a friend.

You're in the Rose Mansion early one morning because you have a test in PE over a dance you don't necessarily know the steps to, and Rei is becoming increasingly frustrated.

"Yoshino, stop stepping on my toes and move with the music. You need to pass this test." Rei snaps after you mess up the dance for the sixth time in a row.

You bite back a scathing remark because you've watched her dance with Sachiko before and you know that Rei isn't entirely graceful in the dancing department, but it's difficult because your feet ache and your mind is entirely consumed with the idea of failing.

You hear the door open, and Shimako walks in airily and entirely too put together for your comfort.

"Gokigenyo," she greets as she takes in your irritated expression- the winding notes of Bach hanging in the air- and shifts uncomfortably.

"Should I leave?" She asks quietly after a few moments.

"No, no" Rei quickly responds. "It's just that Yoshino is having trouble with this dance, and I don't seem to be making any progress with her, and-" She stops herself short as she looks over at Shimako, an idea forming in her head you can tell because her brown eyes are entirely too bright.

"Shimako, you know how to do the Viennese Waltz right?"

"I do."

"Could you lead Yoshino? I don't think my feet can handle her anymore."

Shimako laughs quietly at your expense and you manage to fight off your impending blush by calling Rei a baka, anything to distract yourself from the thought that your body will soon be pressed against hers in a few moments.

Rei restarts the music and your palms are starting to sweat and even though you had heart surgery almost a year ago, you think your heart is utterly too weak for all of this.

"It's alright Yoshino-san. I haven't led in awhile so I might mess up as well."

Her smile is so encouraging and soft that you almost believe her. She wraps an arm around your waist and takes your hand in hers and she moves you through the rhythm and the beats. While you fumble a few times as you glide along with her, you feel too light headed to care that you're not all graceful.

Her eyes never leave yours, and they're impeccably blue at the moment. You're captivated. You're enraptured.

The music ends, and she pulls away. You don't break out of your stupor until you feel Rei's hand on your shoulder, squeezing gently.

"I do believe you might actually pass this test Yoshino." She congratulates you before praising and thanking Shimako for her help. When Rei says miracle worker, you can't stop the eye roll from happening.

But Shimako waves off the compliments, saying that you weren't that bad to begin with and that she was just happy to help.

When Shimako heads to the sink to make tea for the three of you, Rei gives you a strange look before offering to help Shimako.

You end up passing your test.

The Kendo club has a mock tournament for the new members to show off their new skills in front of friends and family, and while these things have less than luster attendance, you can't help but feel touched that all of the Yamayuri is there to support you.

You wave to them from the side of the arena as you wait for your match to begin, the butterflies in your stomach flapping violently. Your eyes meet Shimako's and she gives you a breathless smile and if you weren't nervous before, you are now. You can feel your thighs start to shake.

As you face your opponent - a first year who's agility surpasses most of the third years- you realize with an eye roll that you sort of, maybe, want to win for Shimako, though you'll never tell her this, and a part of you hates yourself for being so sheepishly romantic.

You're too distracted that you don't hear the referee start the match, but you do feel the kendo stick strike your cheek. Sobering in its sting.

You force yourself to concentrate.

The rest of the match is neck-in-in, and your body is on the verge of over exertion, and a part of you wants to quit because you have a new heart that's beating too wildly-trashing against your fragile ribs- but you push yourself. The cheers of your friends (of Shimako) make you find the will to continue.

You don't win your match, but Shimako later tells you that you were magnificent despite your loss, hand gripping lightly on your forearm, and you think that perhaps losing wasn't the worst thing in the world.

You know Rei knows something has been bothering you for the past few weeks, but since it hasn't affected your schoolwork (much), she hasn't pressed you for any concrete answers though you know she's waiting.

You can practically feel the question when you're doing homework together one night in your bedroom, and Shimako hadn't been at school that day which worried you and you're all sorts of irritated and so you say "I like a girl" in such a gruff way that Rei looks up from her homework, perplexed.

"What?"

You realize what you just said-eyes widening- and you want to start backpedaling and say it was a joke but this is Rei and she wouldn't care and you profoundly hate keeping things from her. Not that you were any good to begin with.

"I like a girl." You say quietly, not meeting her eyes. And the air stays entirely too still until you hear her get up from her seat and feel her wrap her arms around you, pressing your head to the crook of her neck.

"Yoshino-chan," She breathes out softly "thank you for telling me."

She doesn't say much else, and there are tears stinging the corner of your eyes, and you sniffle way more than you want to, but you don't cry and Rei is stroking your hair and you feel incredibly loved.

You pull away, muttering a quiet, "thanks Rei-chan."

"Anytime."

She goes back to her work, though she asks rather teasingly "so who's the girl?"

You look at her for a few moments, sigh, and then say "Shimako-san."

She lets out a long whistle, though she doesn't look entirely too surprised.

"You sure know how to pick them."

You're about to glare at her, but you know she didn't mean any malicious by it and so she shrug your shoulders and agree. "I know."

"Are you going to tell her?"

"Rei-chan, this is the girl who wanted to be a nun. I don't think I really have a shot with her."

Rei stays silent, and you can see the gears shifting behind her eyes along with droplets of hesitancy as her eyes bore into yours. When she sighs, you know you've won.

"She watches you too Yoshino-chan."

You let out a small gasp but you shake your head- no use in getting your hopes up- and you don't say anything as you pick up your pen and continue working on your math homework, but you smile despite yourself for the rest of the night.

After telling Rei, you realize that you want to tell Yumi as well because outside of Rei, she's the closet thing you have to a best friend. It also doesn't hurt that she knows Shimako better than you do, even though it wasn't much more to begin with, and Yumi is about one of the sweetest and least judgmental people you know.

You're complete opposite on so many levels.

But while you love the future red rose, you don't want to make things awkward because the three of you are a trio and you don't want your feelings complicating the ambiance of your relationship with them even further.

Besides, more truthfully, Yumi's face is entirely too telling, and Shimako is insanely observant at times. And you know it wouldn't take long for Shimako to realize what was going on if the three of you were in same room like you were now, and you desperately want to have some control of the situation if you ever do decide to confess your feelings to her.

Yumi would be too capricious of an element to include.

You watch them as they talk excitably about a teacher who recently got engaged, and you're completely smitten by the image of Shimako smiling and laughing at whatever Yumi was saying, that you decide that you won't tell Yumi.

However, perhaps you've been ruminating the pros and cons of telling Yumi for too long because you don't hear Yumi call out your name until the fifth or sixth time.

"Yoshino-san, are you alright?"

You slightly blush as you scratch the back of your neck and avoid Shimako's eyes at all costs. "I'm sorry. I was thinking about something from class."

You want to roll your eyes at your own lameness.

But Yumi nods her head, though she doesn't look entirely too convinced, and turns her attention back to Shimako. However, Shimako watches you for a bit longer. In worry. In curiosity.

When she looks away, you can release your breath and expand your lungs once again.

You contemplate telling Shimako how you feel about her, but at this stage it's more or less wishful thinking than actually creating a plan that would hold any merits when the time came. When your thoughts move along in a three beat cadence that grudgingly reminds you of dancing with Shimako, you realize there's music floating in from the end of the hallway.

Piano, your ears detect easily and though the tune sounds familiar, it's classical and you've never cared to learn much about the genre. You believe it to be outdated wrapped in monotony and powdered wigs.

Though you stay rooted, having just finished your cleaning duties, and not having much else to do, you go in search of the perpetrator of this music.

You enter the choir room, and you stand in the door way because you can be sneaky on occasion and the all too familiar brown curls that are facing you leave you speechless.

You wait until she's done to make your presence known.

"That was lovely Shimako-san." You say, genuinely.

She jumps slightly as she turns to you, and you take this time to walk towards her. She automatically shifts to make room for you on the bench, and you notice a faint blush on her cheeks.

You want to believe that it's your presence that caused her sudden bashfulness, but while you can be that conceited at times, you think she's just embarrassed that you caught her.

"Thank you, Yoshino-san." She says sincerely, before laughing quietly to herself. "I was assigned to the choir room, but as you can see, I got a little bit distracted."

A silence falls on the two of you and you nod your head, your throat feeling awfully dry as you eyes watch her lips. When you realize what you're doing and how you've somehow leaned in closer to Shimako (and oh God what is she thinking), you cough a few times, trying to find something (anything really) to say while you focus on her fingertips caressing the piano's keys.

"Can you play me something?"

You ask quietly, and she watches you with those intense eyes again and you think you're going to melt, but she smiles and agrees.

The room swells with music, and though Sachiko is a better player, you think Shimako could easily hold her own if need be. You watch her, and she's so methodic, so practiced, but then you watch her shoulders begin to lose their tension. And the music turns sprightly in turn as her body shifts along with her hands and you realize you've never seen her so carefree before.

You're memorized and incredibly charmed.

Her fingers linger on the keys as the final notes hang in the air.

"What song was that?" You ask as soon as she's done, despite the fact that a part of your brain is scoffing at you for wanting to learn about classical music.

"Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven. "

You ingrain the name into memory. As well as the smile she's giving you- shy, though incredibly bright.

Later that evening, you spend more time than you care for looking up everything you can about the Beethoven piece, and you found out that he wrote the song for some Countess he fell in love with, and while she loved him in return, they weren't able to be together because of familial obligations on the Countess' part.

You wonder if Shimako chose this song on purpose.

You absolutely hope so.

You don't hope at all.

Sometime in fall, you and Shimako are the last ones to leave the Rose Mansion after a student council meeting, though not entirely coincidentally since you volunteered the two of you to stay and clean up the room.

Rei had shaken her head in amusement as she said goodbye to you, but other than that, you don't think anyone else noticed your ulterior motive. You had glanced at Shimako after everyone left, and she didn't look annoyed as she brought you the dirty teacups to wash. She looked pleased as she chatted with you, drying each wet dish you handed to her.

You feel a warmness ignite in your chest and you don't fight it, instead letting it engulf your entire being. And this feeling stays with you as you wait for her to lock the door to the Rose Mansion and as the two of you walk along the cobble path- hands brushing every now and then.

The air is particular biting, and you're fighting the shivers with gritted teeth, but when Shimako offers you her scarf, you realize you've failed in doing so.

You stare at the white cloth and her outreached hand in befuddlement.

"I know you're chilly." She smiles encouragingly at you. "So please just take it."

You want to argue, but Shimako can be incredibly stubborn when she wants to be you've learned in the past few weeks, and you don't think you can muster enough energy to fight her on this. Besides, you are cold, and you're sure that the scarf smells like Shimako so you huff and gruffly say, "Okay."

Shimako wraps it around you so carefully, so gently, that you wonder if she ever treated Noriko like this and you think quite irritably, that she probably has hundred of times.

Her fingers lightly brush your neck, and your irritation with Noriko dwindles.

When she's done, Shimako smiles at you and taps you softly on the nose before walking away. You stay rooted in your spot, attempting and failing to gather your bearings as your cheeks inflame.

You're not as cold as you thought.

You catch up with her at the Maria-sama statue, pray, and then continue onto the gates with her at your side. You realize this is the first the two of you ever left school together alone, and it feels so comfortable that you want to grab your hand in hers.

But you don't have enough courage and her presence makes you unbelievably unhinged at time so you relegate yourself to fiddling with her scarf.

Despite her protests, you wait with Shimako until her bus comes and when she's about to get on, you make movements to give her back her scarf, though your fingers are reluctant to do so.

"It's okay Yoshino-san, just give it to me tomorrow." She tells you from the steps of the bus.

You say that you will, but you conveniently forget to bring it the next day, and she doesn't allude to it any time you see her through out the day. Or the days after.

You catch Shimako kiss Noriko on the forehead one day in the Rose Mansion. Noriko was leaving for a week to visit family in Chiba, and after the younger girl said her goodbyes to the student council, Shimako had offered to walk her out.

When they left, Sachiko had noticed that Noriko had left a book on the table, and you had offered to give it to Noriko before she left.

But when you step out of the biscuit colored door, you see the two of them in a close embrace and then you see Shimako close her eyes before leaning down and placing a chaste kiss on Noriko's forehead, and that bashful smile on Noriko's face agitates you immensely.

You feel incredibly foolish, and you completely forget about the book as you walk back into the meeting room, ignoring everyone's questioning eyes.

You ignored Shimako's eyes as well when she walks back into the room, a pleased smile on her face that upsets you more than it should have.

Sachiko begins to talk about something or another, but you can't concentrate on her, and instead focus on Noriko. Even though you know that Noriko is Shimako's petite soeur and that they were more than free to show affection for one another (and for your nerves sake you're glad that they weren't as affectionate as Yumi and Sachiko), you still find yourself getting incredibly jealous of Noriko.

You don't like the feeling.

You know she tends the flowers in the courtyard for the Environmental Club and you know one of her favorite things in the world is to collect gingko nuts, so every now and then you get it into your head that you would make her day and leave gingko nuts for her in nice little piles.

You're still beyond irritated that you like her because she consumes your thoughts, and the stupid things she did during your first year that annoyed you (like gathering gingko nuts), you now find annoyingly endearing. And you find yourself doing ridiculous things like getting to school early every once in awhile to collect these stupid gingko nuts for her.

But she usually smiles more on these days, and your heart swells on these days as well so you don't really mind.

You wonder if she knows who it is.

Sei visits one day along with Youko, but you mainly focus on Sei because as everyone is sitting around the table, catching up and reminiscing, Sei is teasing her petite soeur about her hair.

You're jealous and you're not sitting next to her and haven't for the past two weeks because you want to believe you're stronger than your feelings for her.

You try not to say anything biting, but Sei was never particularly affectionate with Shimako, and because of this, you feel like she's dangling Shimako right in front of you.

But you don't know why, and you don't really want to find out.

You walk out with the intention to go to the bathroom but really just to catch your breath. Sei, however, catches you on the stairs and quietly pulls you outside.

"You have feelings for Shimako, huh?" Sei asks and though she asks cheekily, you can tell that she is giving you her utmost attention.

You stare at her in horror because if she can tell after ten minutes, then God, Shimako already knows, and what if she's ignoring your feelings because she didn't want to let you down.

All these thoughts swirl inside your head, ramming against your skull, and you can't focus on anything until Sei grips your shoulders.

"She doesn't know Yoshino." She says, chuckling ever so slightly. You glare at her.

"Doesn't know what?" You say sternly as she turn your head indigently to the side, crossing your arms in front of you.

"That you like her, and the reason I pulled you out is because-"

You don't let her finish as you walk back inside because the gentle (and ugh, tender) tone she was using was reminded you of so many movie break up scenes that you want to scoff. Sei was going to tell you that Shimako was straight or that she was too focused on her future of being of a nun or that she just didn't see you in that way, and you didn't want to stand there and take it.

And you really didn't want your hopes to be with Shimako to be dashed by Sei of all people.

You still had some pride.

When you enter the Rose Mansion, you find Shimako standing at the top of the stairs, looking at you in confusion. Then her blues eyes dart to Sei's entering figure, and you watch with a quiet wonderment as a mask falls upon her face- the usual impenetrable aloofness.

Without saying anything, Shimako walks back into the meeting room.

You stay rooted, not sure what to do, and even when Sei wraps her arm around your shoulder, you don't break away from your stupor but you do hear Sei when she teases you with "ah, young love."

You sort of want to punch her.

While you love Rei, you know that the she doesn't have one sneaky bone in her body. She calls one Saturday to tell you to come over and help her bake. But she never before had asked you to specifically help her bake, hang out with her while she baked yes, but not help help, and you know she and Shimako still from time to time get together to bake.

So, while you roll your eyes when saying yes, you still take an extra ten minutes to get ready and at the last moment decide to undo your braids.

Rei meets you at the door and smiles goofily before leading you into the kitchen, and she's just so proud of herself that you kind of want to knock her down a few pegs, but she's doing this for you so you refrain from calling her baka for once in your life.

You enter the kitchen and you see her mixing batter, and her hair is tied behind her head and a few strands are sticking out, and her tongue is barely peeping out as she mixes and you are so overwhelmed by the sight that it takes Rei giving you a nudge on the shoulders for you to say anything.

"Gokigenyo, Shimako-san," you greet and congratulate yourself for not stuttering over your words.

She looks up from the bowl and greets you in return, though it takes her a few minutes for her to regain her composure.

You feel Rei nudge you during this time, and somehow you manage not to blush.

"Will you be helping us bake, Yoshino-san?"

"That seems like the plan."

"Great!" Rei comments, a little too excitingly for your comfort. "Could you help Shimako cut out the cookie pieces while I go get frosting from the store?"

Rei doesn't wait for a yes as she slips outside the room. You turn back to Shimako, smiling sheepishly.

"I'm not going to be much help."

"I doubt that," she replies kind-heartedly.

You work quietly together, cutting pieces of dough with different cookie cutters, though your fingers and arms brush each other more than usual. It takes incredible effort to focus on your part. But the both of you smile in triumph when you manage to get the cookies in the oven without any major accident.

She tells you that you have flour on her cheeks and before you can do anything about it, she brushes it off for you, though you're sure she lingers a little too long on purpose not that you really mind.

"I like you with your hair down. It's nice." She breathes out, and you feel warmth in your lower belly, and your heart is beating rapidly that annoying rhythm of thump,thump.

You decide you want to kiss her palm and right when you're about to move your head ever so slightly to the left, Rei walks in and both of you jump away from each other.

You can tell Rei wants to groan at herself, but she doesn't and manages to relieve the tension in the air by making some joke about not finding the house on fire.

Shimako still leaves after a few minutes though, not even waiting for the cookies to be ready, saying she had to help her father around the shrine.

You let her runaway because you're not quite sure what's happening between the two of you, and you don't think she does either.

"I'm sorry Yoshino-chan," Rei apologizes after saying goodbye to Shimako at the door.

"It's alright," you sigh before smiling warmly and kissing her on the cheek. "Thank you anyway."

Sometimes you're overwhelmed with the thought that though you like Shimako, you don't particularly know her all too well. You don't know what her favorite ice cream is or her favorite genre of books and you don't have her birthday memorized but you're sure its sometime in summer.

You want to ask her these things when the two happen to be the Rose Mansion together during lunch, but she's reading a letter and you don't want to intrude.

But you're bored so you watch her instead and when the white rose starts to blush profusely, you don't care about decorum and brashly ask what's wrong.

"I'm just reading the letter Shizuka-sama sent me." Shimako responds, with just enough and not enough explanation.

You refrain from rolling your eyes because Shizuka-sama is insanely attractive and if she's your competition, you doubt you can really compete.

"And what did she say?"

"She's just referring to something that happened when we were in Italy." Again, just enough but not enough.

You stare in irritation before Shimako sighs and says that she'll tell you but that you have to keep it a secret. That not even Noriko knows.

You feel honored that she trusts you, without thinking too much on the fact that you sort of peer pressured her into it.

"When we were in Italy, Shizuka-sama kissed me right behind the Leaning Tower of Pisa" Shimako explains, as she blushes even further, not quite meeting your eyes.

You flinch but you don't think she notices, and in order to contain your groan of frustration, you bite the inside of your lip because Shimako needs you as a friend right now and not as a potential romantic interest.

You swallow your jealousy, and manage to ask quite teasingly "Ah, I guess it wasn't just the Last Judgment that moved you."

"Yoshino-san!" Shimako chastises petrified, though she manages to succumb to small chuckles after a few moments.

You smile inwardly at her bashfulness, but Shimako isn't one to open up, and you get the feeling that she wants you to ask her for more.

"And what happened?"

"I kissed her back and then she asked me to spend the night with her."

Your eyes enlarge, and it takes all of your self-restraint to keep the gossip in you at bay.

"And did you?" You ask calmly, though your heart is thumping so loudly you're sure Shimako can hear it.

"Heavens no, but I won't lie and say I wasn't tempted but I was too overwhelmed with being in a new country, with the idea of her kissing me everywhere, and what all of this meant in terms of my religion, my future. I was so confused, Yoshino-san."

"And what about now?"

"And now," She breathes out as she meets your eyes, and though you can see fear in those blue irises, you can also see a fierce determination. "I'm not so confused. I had already decided that I didn't want to be a nun anymore. As for finding women attractive, I don't think God really cares, so why should I?"

You want to explode from giddiness and wrap your arms around Shimako and shout 'thank God you're gay too,' but you abolish the impulse, and instead, you place your hand on top of her shaking one and give her a gentle squeeze.

"I don't care either, Shimako-san." You tell her, and she smiles brilliantly at you as tears gather at the corner of her eyes. You wonder how long she had been keeping all of this in, and you try not to think about how much suffering she went through because of it.

She doesn't cry, fully, though a few tears manage to escape and as she wipes them off with her sleeve, her hand is still in yours and you think it means something.

She thanks you, and you say it wasn't a problem, and you fiddle with her hand before meeting her eyes again.

"Also, I understand. I went through a lot when I realized that I found women attractive."

Her eyes widen, comically, and if you weren't scared of her reaction, you would have laughed.

"You're-"

"Yes." You say calmly.

She squeezes your hand and when you meet her eyes, something shifts in your existence though you're not quite sure what. Her eyes are staring at you intently, and you find yourself drowning,

"Thank you for telling me Yoshino-san."

"It's nothing."

Silence hangs in the air as you try to process everything. Shimako finds women attractive and even kissed one, and you think that you actually have a chance. Perhaps, you've always had it.

"Are you and Shizuka-sama dating?" You say after a few moments, and while you try to sound as nonchalant as possible, your voice comes out quieter than you wanted it to.

It takes Shimako a few moments to figure out what you're saying, but when she does, she laughs.

"No, we're not dating, just friends, though that doesn't stop her from shamelessly flirting with me. Besides I-"

At that moment Yumi walks through the door and you want to groan and slap her senseless but then Sachiko follows suite and you bite your tongue to keep from getting glared at. But Shimako squeezes your hand in thanks and holds it within hers until you both have to leave for class.

Now you know you have a chance and that God really isn't in the picture, and you can't help but think that she likes you too. You've been spending more time together and you've been holding hands when no one was looking and sometimes you pretend to mess up your steps when working with Rei so that Shimako still dances with you too.

You decide you want to tell her.

Rei is still playing matchmaker, though this time it doesn't involve Shimako at all but it does involve her Onee-sama, Eriko.

The three of you were supposed to meet for tea, but Rei isn't able to make it, saying she had to step in for her father at the last minute to teach a kendo class.

How fucking convenient.

You will never admit it to anyone, not even Shimako, but you do miss Eriko, albeit minimally (you tell yourself repeatedly) because no one in the Yamayuri can challenge you the way she could. And that's the only reason you allow yourself to have for your pride's sake.

Eriko is sitting across from you, eating cheesecake and telling you about a recent date she had with her boyfriend. You want to tell her to shut up, and that her boyfriend is going to dump her when he realizes that she's secretly a demon, but you realize she is the only person that you know that's in a relationship. You grudgingly gather the courage to ask her for advice.

Though it physically pains you.

"How did you go about telling Yamanobe-sensei that you liked him?" You spit out.

Eriko thinks for a moment. "Well I proposed to him in the principle's office."

"I'm not going to be that forward."

"Ah, so there's someone special in Yoshino's life."

Eriko leans back against her chair with the smuggest smirk you have ever seen on her face, and it takes all your willpower not to groan.

"I was just asking in general."

"Right, well I would just say tell her you like her. Don't stress out too much about it, and if she doesn't share your feelings, and you're good enough friends, then nothing should change much."

You stare at her in befuddlement.

"That was actually helpful."

"I'm not that horrible, and just imagine all the ammo I'll have when the you and Shimako start dating, especially on Sei. Plus, I think the two of you could balance each other out. Though heaven knows what Shimako sees in you."

Your heart sinks as you turn to her with frightful eyes. "How did you know?"

"Come on Yoshino." Eriko is giving you such a smug look that you sort of want to punch her in the face. You grip your pants to stop the temptation. "From what I hear, the two of you have been oh so obvious."

You want to comment further but she grabs and squeezes your hand and the tenderness in that movement left you in a different sort of speechlessness.

On occasion Shimako is in your dreams, and these dreams are hardly ever PG. She always grabs your hand and leads you to whatever bed your mind comes up with, and then you feel her everywhere.

Lips, hair, fingers, skin, and it always end with you being overcome by her.

In these dreams, she always kisses the scar on your chest.

You have lunch with her on a sunny day behind the church. Noriko is having lunch with Touko, and so, it's just the two of you. You're listening to her talk about her favorite flowers- the ones she likes to touch, the ones she actually likes to tend to-and though you've always found her voice alluring, it's difficult to concentrate because you're trying to redo your braids because you didn't have time to do them correctly in the morning and you're sure they look horrid.

After a few minutes, Shimako stops talking and laughs beside you. She reaches out and begins to redo your hair for you. Her fingers work through the kinks in your hair, and in the process, she's gently massaging your scalp and you briefly think she's a saint before sleepiness overtakes you.

You wake up with her petting your hair, and you're comfortably snuggled on top of her lap, and the whole ordeal just screams of home to you.

"I'm sorry for falling asleep." You apologize, though she waves off the apology as she smiles at you fondly and fixes your hair.

"It's okay."

Her fingers linger on your cheek.

Before you can think too much about it, you kiss her cheek, and she blushes, as her eyes are as blue as you've ever seen them and completely unguarded.

She wants you too.

You know that it's no longer a question of if but of when.

You find Shimako waiting for you in the Kendo locker room after practice one day. While everyone else had already left, you were stuck doing some stupid routine stupid Chisato was going to test you on tomorrow, and you wanted to rub it in her face how well you could do said routine.

Step, step, strike, back, step, strike, strike

You fantasize briefly about doing these movements on her grave one-day, and though the idea is extremely morbid, you really don't care.

But all these negative thoughts evaporate when you spot Shimako sitting patiently on a bench. You want to ask her how long she was waiting for you and how she managed to sneak into the locker room, but you see a book on her lap and your heart melts.

She looks up and smiles sheepishly at you as she stands up, handing you the book.

"You mentioned that you left a book in your classroom, and that you probably wouldn't be able to get it before practice so I got it for you. I hope that was alright-"

She's rambling, and you've never known her to do this, and you realize that it's your presence making her so nervous, and so you stop her by placing a hand on her arm

"You're a different kind of wonderful Shimako-san. Thank you."

You say sincerely, and she blushes and you feel yourself start to blush as well because you've just decided that you're going to do what you've wanted to do with her since you saw her with that silly moustache.

You stand on your tippy toes, place your hand gently behind her head, and bring her lips to yours. It's incredibly chaste, a small brushing of lips.

You're first kiss, and before you can pull away, her lips are on back on yours, and suddenly you're losing yourself to the softness of her lips.

You don't really know what you're doing, and you don't think she does either, but she wraps her arms around your waist and you think some part of your mind that's still coherent finds this to be way way better than dancing could ever be.

She pulls her lips away and leans her forehead against yours. The mingling of breaths overwhelms you because the breath in your lungs is her breath.

"It's about time one of us did something." She whispers as she cups your face, looking into your eyes.

You hum your agreement, and because you no one is around you bring your lips to hers again and again.

You practically burst into Rei's room later that night and tell her "Shimako-san and I made out, and I'm pretty sure she likes me too."

Rei congratulates you by hugging you fiercely. However, she pulls away when you groan in pain, but she's still smiling when she announces, "this deserves cupcakes!"

You follow her to the kitchen, whispering baka underneath your breath in adoration and so many other emotions because Shimako kissed you back and it was all just so surreal.

You're dating?

Perhaps?

At least you think so, but neither one of you has officially said anything, and though the two of you have manage to steal kisses whenever you can- behind closed meeting room doors, behind the church on warm enough days, and behind small fibs of retrieving neglected books- you're not sure what it all means.

You watch Shimako bend over as she picks a gingko nut off the ground, and even though whatever is going on between the two of you is still extremely fragile, you groan and say "I don't want to do this anymore Shimako-san." You rub your back for added emphasis.

Shimako turns to you in amusement, and you see a twinkle of mischief in her eyes as she walks up to you, She beings playing with your uniform bow, and you allow her because while you hate when Rei does it, you like it when Shimako fusses over your appearance in these small quiet gestures.

"Oh really, I thought you liked picking gingko nuts seeing as you always left me a small pile of them in the courtyard." She teases.

Your face flushes because how long did she know and what did she think when she found out, but instead of giving her the upper hand, you turn away from her, crossing your arms in front of your chest, nose defiantly in the air.

She laughs at your expense, and you're beginning to grasp that this is going to be a staple of your relationship.

"You knew? Since when?" You huff and open one eye to observe her reaction.

She gazes at you fondly, like your brattiness was in some way adorable, before rubbing her cheeks in quiet contemplation.

"I don't remember exactly when it was, but I came early one day to finish up the azalea section that I wasn't able to get to the day before, and I find this crouched figure next to the gardenias. Some one had been leaving these piles of gingko nuts for a while, and I had no idea who it was. Then I see your trademark braids, and I was as confused as I was touch. You had been acting squirrely around me for weeks now, and then it clicked."

You sigh as you turn to her. "I thought it would make you happy."

She walks over to you and softly kisses your cheek.

"It did."

Noriko corners you one day after you finish your cleaning duty, and you're not really surprised because Noriko had always been fiercely protective of her Onee-sama, and while you and Shimako decided to not tell anyone until you figured things out, Rei already knew so you figure Noriko would know as well.

She doesn't say anything as she paces in front of the windows. You're leaning against the desks and while you really just want to go, for Shimako's sake you wait and wait.

She pauses and looks at you so fiercely that you're frankly a bit startled.

"I won't say I'll kick your ass if you break her heart because I'm Buddhist and we don't really believe in violence. But I know I will make an exception for you."

You know she's completely serious so you nod your head. "I'll try not too."

"Good," Noriko sighs. "Look, I'm glad you're together because you make Shimako-san happy, but the two of you look at life completely differently and you will clash with her repeatedly. And it won't work if you don't communicate with her as simply as possible."

Noriko takes a breath, hand running through raven tresses.

"Listen to her Yoshino-sama," she continues. "You understand through words and tone. She understands through silences and syntax. So pay attention to what she says to you and what she doesn't."

You smile gently. "Thank you Noriko-chan. I'll try my best because I do really care about Shimako-san, and I'm not going to let her go so easily."

"Okay then, but I'll still kick your ass."

"Noted."

Later, Shimako tells you that Rei gave her the talk earlier in the day and you wonder if Rei and Noriko had planned it all out. But when Shimako recounts that Rei went ahead and apologized for any boneheaded thing you might do or say, you just laugh and laugh because Shimako's lovely, and you think you might love her, especially when she kisses so softly you think you'll break.

"We're girlfriends, right?"

You're in the Rose Mansion, doing homework while waiting for the others to arrive. You set your pen down and look at her, and though your heart is pounding loudly in your chest and you want to yelp yes!yes!yes! you instead nod your head and smile brightly.

"Yes."

"Good," Shimako says before going back to her work, and you feel incredibly warm all of a sudden.

The two of you decide to tell the rest of the Yamayuri. But Noriko already knows and so does Rei, so the two of you are really just telling Sachiko and Yumi.

Sachiko takes it in stride, and tells the two of you that while she wishes your relationship well, you must not let it affect your duty as student council members.

Yumi on the other hand is parts angry for not knowing any of this was going on and parts elated that you two were together and seemingly happy.

"If you two get married, I'm going to be one of your bridesmaid." She tells the both of you, and while you blanch at the thought, because that sort of reasonability seems light-years away, Shimako laughs.

"If I can manage to put up with her for that long, then you can be our bridesmaid."

The room laughs and though you huff as you take your seat removing your hand from her grasp, when the meeting starts, your hand finds hers underneath the table and they stay interlocked until it ends.

One night, she kisses your scar.

In your third year, you find Shimako in the changing room in the theater department, and you're overcome with déjà vu and a burst of love that you walk into the room and encircle your arms around her waist. She leans into you, and even though you hate the play she and Yumi bulldozed the Yamayuri into doing, you're still incredibly happy.

You brush her hair to the side and place a chaste kiss on her neck.

"Hey, lovely." You whisper into her ear.

"Hey yourself," Shimako greets as she turns around.

Your eyes automatically go to her lips and you laugh out loud with what you see.

A moustache.

And before she says anything else, you place your hands on the back of her head and bring her head down to yours.

You kiss her hungrily, and ignore the bristles grating your skin and focus on her lips and her roaming hands.

Shimako is still incredibly beautiful. With or without the moustache.

You pull away, breathlessly. Though you do smile fondly at the flush gracing Shimako's face. "Should we head to the Rose Mansion?"

"We should." She says as she removes the moustache and places it back in the box.

You offer her your hand, and she takes it, interlocking your fingers in the process. And even after all this time, she still makes your heart flutter.

Perhaps, you're still hopeless but it's a different kind of hopeless.

And when you catch Shimako staring at you with such fondness, you think it's not altogether a bad thing.

FIN