Leave This All Behind

Kieron was waiting for the punch line. It had to be some kind of joke. Everything he had come to know seemed to be unravelling around him and he felt powerless to stop any of it. If it wasn't a joke then it was some cruel twist of fate, making him pay for what he had done. Perhaps that's exactly what it was; maybe he deserved this, deserved to feel the pain of watching the person he loved more than anything slowly drift away from him.

As each day had gone on the ache in his heart had grown stronger. The first morning that he woke up without John Paul felt like any other morning, mainly because for one brief moment he forgot. It was just the same as it had been for months, he could still feel John Paul's presence and his body shifting to move closer to Kieron's; and then it was gone. His eyes opened quickly and the harsh reality hit him.

The next day was worse, he was so aware of the fact that John Paul wasn't there. He couldn't sleep and he couldn't relax, his mind going over every single moment, going over every single word he had said and how he could have prevented any of it. He remembered briefly drifting off in the early hours of the morning, drifting off into slumber with the sound of his own sobs in the ringing through his ears. He woke up with his eyes heavy and still wet with tears.

Today was the third day, but it felt like a lifetime. The room they had shared together seemed empty with John Paul. His things were still in the room, his clothes still hung in the wardrobe. But he wasn't there anymore. He had left this room and his life with Kieron the moment his past had come walking back into his life. Kieron should have seen it coming; he had heard from different people exactly what had happened a year ago. Each person reliving the memory of it to him, he had seen the look in John Paul's eyes whenever Craig's name was mentioned in his presence. He had been so blind and so stupid, because he really should have known.

He could have sworn there was a moment when that doubt had drifted from in, the fear of John Paul's heart being somewhere else had drifted away when John Paul had stood in front of him, when he had told him he loved him and wanted to marry him. For Kieron that said everything, it had meant everything. Years of his life spent searching for something he didn't even realise he was missing, to turn up in the form of John Paul McQueen and everything felt on balance, it felt like he found that missing piece.

How quickly everything had unravelled after that moment. Such a brief moment of happiness and clarity suddenly became a blur and a spiralling downfall into despair. Where was John Paul now with his promises of being together forever? Where was he with his I Love Yous? They had all vanished as quickly as they had been said. The words that had once held so much meaning to Kieron now seemed hollow and shallow. How could he have ever meant any of them if it was possible for him to be so easily swayed back to someone else?

So Kieron resigned himself to the fact that what the two of them had meant nothing to John Paul. It had been nothing but a way to spend the time waiting until the person he really wanted was back in his arms. Which only made the pain even more excruciating. Because he still loved John Paul with every single beat of his heart.

He still wanted John Paul to walk through the door and tell him it was Kieron he wanted, he even pathetically enough when he heard the door opening looked in quiet hope that it would be him. Of course it never was, and he knew it never would be.

The days passed by much the same, he could never sleep and yet he was constantly tired. He would find himself awake in the middle of the night frantically packing away everything John Paul had left in their room, his room now. Angrily throwing it all in bags, taking it all outside and stopping as soon as it came time to actually throw it out. He had lost count now how many times he had gone through that very routine. Which it was now, just routine, another part of his long day.

He tried with everything he had to ignore Niall; he had managed so far for two weeks. His constant words of reassurance and so called help meant nothing to Kieron, the words held no meaning to him and he pushed them all out of his mind, until he was no longer even listening to Niall. He would let him say what he had to say, pretend to take it in, reply with a fake thank you and then carry on with his day full of nothing.

But it all changed when Niall finally saw through all his pretences.

"It's been two weeks now Kieron. You can't stay in this flat forever. Look at yourself"

Kieron didn't even know why Niall's words had made him so angry. He wasn't angry by nature at all, even in the worst of situations he always remained calm, but this was completely different and he had never in his life felt this way. He had never before been so angry with himself or another human being or God.

He used to be able to find peace in most things, happiness in the simplest of things. And now he was struggling to find it anywhere, he couldn't remember one thing that would ever be able to take the pain away.

So when he felt the chair that was under him crash away and his arms pushing Niall violently against the wall yelling at him in an incoherent voice that he had never recognised in himself before, he felt himself stepping outside of everything, looking down as a spectator at the scene before him. Who exactly had he become? This wasn't him. And he was losing everything that made him who he was.

Niall hadn't been angry, he had understood, but still Kieron mumbled countless apologies until Niall left the flat leaving him alone once again. He was pushing everyone away and he was so aware of it. Even Staph had been to see him, he had let her in reluctantly and he tried his best to listen to what she was saying but the constant reminder of who she was of who her brother was, of what he had taken from him.

Did he really blame Craig? He wasn't sure that he could, he knew what it felt like to love John Paul, to miss him and want him more than anything else, and could he really blame Craig for fighting for John Paul. Perhaps that's what Kieron should have done; he should have fought harder for John Paul. But the truth is, fighting is only worth it if there is something to fight for. And John Paul was already gone, he had already left with that first sight of Craig, there was nothing there for Kieron to cling onto.

A silence had fallen between him and Steph and she must have known exactly where his thoughts went. A dark bitterness in his eyes showing through. She had stood up and said her goodbyes but before she even reached the door the words had spat angrily out of his mouth.

"Are they happy now?"

She never said a word. Her face just changed like she might burst out crying. He expected her just to leave, there was nothing she could respond to that, no answer would have been the right one. He wasn't sure he even wanted one. But she stayed, she stepped back towards him, sat down beside him and rested her hand on top of his.

He didn't even know how long she stayed, or when she left. He tried to feel some kind of gratitude for her visit, but anything he could muster up would have only seemed fake, because that's all anything was now, underneath any sentiment that would have been grateful would have clearly been the truth of it; that he wasn't thankful and that he didn't want to move on, not when everything inside of him wouldn't let go.

After three weeks, the pain of it had somewhat faded. His routine had shifted and now instead of unpacking all the things of John Paul's he had thrown in a bag he left them in it. Just inside the door of his room. He found that most nights he slept, still restless but it was sleep none the less.

What replaced the pain now was just anger. He woke up to the same words from Niall, the same words that still meant nothing and this time instead of the anger shocking him he welcomed it, it set him free of anything else he was feeling and he had somewhere to release it, someone to focus it at. And still Niall never showed any anger back, even when Kieron pushed him, he never faltered. Kieron wondered why Niall was even bothering anymore.

He spent most of his time in his room during the day, even in the evenings when Niall came home and asked him to go to the pub. He angrily declined, the thought of going anywhere near there making him sick to his stomach. For the first time he seemed to hear Niall crack. He let out a loud sigh and headed towards the door, before pausing and turning to look at him.

"It will get better Kieron. I know you don't think it will. But time... you know... you aren't the first person to get their heartbroken..."

Niall's voice trailed off, almost as if he wished he hadn't spoken those last few words. The anger sparked in Kieron and he didn't want to take this out on Niall, he knew he shouldn't.

"You think I don't know that Niall? You think I don't realise how pathetic I am. But you tell me what I'm supposed to do now; where I'm supposed to go from here. A few months ago everything was so certain I was so sure of myself and exactly what I wanted; and that wasn't John Paul McQueen. I was content with my life. Where am I supposed to go from here? I feel empty Niall. I have no faith and I've lost the one thing I only ever wanted for myself. I deserve this; I deserve to feel like this. I was selfish, and I took what I wanted and this is my punishment"

Kieron stared blankly down into his beer, all of his words said with barely any emotion, just the words of how he felt. They meant nothing of course; what was Niall going to do? Try and relate? How could he, there was no one who would understand this.

"It won't get better if you stay cooped up in here will it? I'll be in the pub, if you feel like it, come over"

He wanted to yell and scream, but he had no energy to move from where he sat, so he let Niall leave without a response. He sat in the silence for who knows how long, only moving to get another beer to replace the ones he finished. He hadn't even realised how dark it was, and the only light that filtered through the room was that from the street lamp outside shining through the window. It lit up the lounge and barely the dining table he sat on.

Memories started to flood back to him; he had been avoiding letting his mind wander too far back, to angry to even think about happier times with John Paul. But perhaps it was the alcohol running through his system, relaxing his mind and letting those thoughts through. He thought about the countless nights he had sat in this very spot with John Paul sat staring back him. How happy they had been, how blissfully unaware of the very truth that was staring him in the face.

He could almost hear their laughter echoing through the house, he could clearly see the two of them lying on the sofa, wrapped up in one another watching TV. The tears absently began to fall again, at least he had that one thing to congratulate himself on. He had gone two days without shedding a tear over John Paul McQueen, at least the intervals were growing in length now.

He literally couldn't stand the walls that surrounded him anymore, and although he despised the idea of leaving it almost as much as being here, he had to get out. He practically ran from the flat not even bothering with a jacket before he left. The cool air hit him as he stepped outside, but he liked it. The alcohol had left his head feeling fuzzy and clouded, it almost woke him up.

He headed without even thinking towards the pub, hoping Niall would still be there. As he turned the corner, he felt like he had been kicked in the stomach. And he felt angry with himself for his complete stupidity. He knew exactly as he watched the scene in front of him why he hadn't wanted to come here.

A large group of familiar faces were crowded around the pub, lights hanging across the front of the pub and all along the railings over the river. A large banner reading "Good Luck" hung across the front of it. And amidst all of that, the only clear thing he saw. The two of them; together, smiling. They were so blissfully unaware and he felt envious. That happiness he had just a few weeks ago had been ripped from underneath him and was now staring him in the face, and yet his eyes still wouldn't avert away, his body wouldn't move as if the world was holding him in that place.

It was good that he see this, that it was made clear to him exactly what was going on. It was good that he felt the pain that came with seeing the two of them, stealing quick kisses whilst everyone else chatted around them. He felt his hands curl into fists and he wanted nothing but to be free of the agonising pain.

He felt a pair of eyes catch his, and he watched as Steph's already sad face grew bleaker; looking at John Paul and Craig and then back at Kieron. He seemed to be moving closer without even realising, and he could swear he saw Steph mouth his name, perhaps she even said it, he didn't know and he didn't care.

He watched them from just a few feet away and then everything else seemed to happen in a matter of seconds, of the faces he knew turned to look at Steph and then they were all on him. All of their faces staring at him, a look of disbelief across every one of their faces that only moments ago had been full of smiles and laughter.

But he barely registered them; just one face stuck out to him. One amongst everyone else shining through; and what he hated the most was that he still loved that beautiful man. Even as he stood there celebrating his new life while he had left Kieron broken and alone. He still loved and wanted him and it felt like nothing he did would ever make that change.

"Kieron..."

He felt a tear fall down his face at even the sound of John Paul saying his name, and he wiped it away roughly. He refused to let John Paul see him like this. Then it suddenly seemed to dawn on him that he was completely unaware of what his appearance was. He had made no effort over the last few weeks, he hadn't shaved and he wore his ripped jeans and a baggy black t-shirt. He realised to them, it was too late to give the impression that everything was okay, because his appearance would have given it away in a heartbeat.

He was not okay.

John Paul had slowly been moving away from the grip Craig held on him and Kieron wanted to run, again his feet failed him and all he could do was stand and watch as he made his way closer to him.

"I've wanted to come and see you. Niall said... he said to give it more time. But I would have come this week anyway... Kieron... I... shall we go back to flat? We can talk, there's something's I have to say..."

Kieron's fists tightened and the anger threatened to explode and this time it was directed at exactly the right person.

"Things you have to say? Well, please John Paul, go ahead. This should be good considering I've gone three weeks with nothing from you but now you have something to say. So go on John Paul, I'm all ears"

The bitterness surprised even him, he had never spoken to John Paul like that and he hated himself for doing it now, even with the pain he felt he didn't want to see John Paul's expression shift to what it was now. John Paul seemed to re-coil like he had been hit in the stomach.

"I just meant there are things we need to talk about. Things we have to say"

"I don't think there is anything to say. And I don't think you really want to hear about how I feel, how the last three weeks have been for me. I think you've been very comfortable going back to what you know, happy to ignore how I have been feeling..."

"That's not true"

He said it like it meant it. But it still didn't feel like he did. Kieron had lost any faith in the words John Paul had spoken a month ago when he had turned up back at his then home; his guilty expression saying everything that needed to be said without words.

"I wish I could explain this to you Kieron. Try and make you understand somehow..."

"I don't want you to explain and I don't want to understand"

Kieron had enough, he couldn't stand John Paul's eyes on him desperately pleading to listen to what he had to say and he couldn't stand everyone else looking at him but pretending not to. He pushed angrily past John Paul as he did he felt a hand grip his arm and he shook it off violently turning to push John Paul away from him. He watched as John Paul staggered backwards and fell to the floor.

He stepped forward; surprised with his own actions, torn between rushing to help John Paul or add another blow. He looked down into John Paul's eyes. They looked just as shocked as his own did.

"Kieron... I am sorry"

"I wish that meant something John Paul"

He turned round to look at the familiar faces again; Steph still stood where she had been before, the same look across her face. Craig had moved now; he was closer clearly reacting to Kieron pushing John Paul, he stared on anxious and angry. Kieron turned his whole body to look at Craig properly. He tried to work out exactly what had held John Paul to him, and he didn't understand. Of course he didn't understand. He had heard about it from other people about the two of them and how close they were. But he didn't know, and he hadn't seen that connection until now as Craig looked straight past Kieron and to the man on the ground and it was as if he may as well not have been there.

Suddenly John Paul's words from the past were ringing through his ears.

"It's got to mean something. I mean it's got to be worth the risk. I loved Craig, I really loved him. When I was with him all the hurt and the pain the upset that I caused all my friends and family it was all worth it because I loved him"

Kieron turned back to look at John Paul, his eyes had met Craig's and suddenly Kieron wanted nothing more than to be as far as possible from where he was right now. He could feel the tears resurfacing again as the harsh reality came crashing down around him.

He was nothing here. Just another to add to the long list of casualties in the John Paul and Craig story. He had nothing to hold him to this place, nothing but broken promises and happy memories that were slowly being shattered with each day that past and each new truth that faced him.

And this was the last one; the hardest one of all.

"Did you ever even love me John Paul?"

He regretted even answering the question, he knew either way the response he got would in some way cause him pain. But he had to know, if he was going to walk away from this now without looking back he at least deserved that one last truth from John Paul.

"Honestly, did you?"

"Yes."

It was strange, he desperately wanted to believe him. He wanted nothing more than to lock that away and find comfort in that one small word and yet somehow he couldn't. Perhaps it was something that would come with time. But for now; it meant nothing.

He walked away after that, ignoring the sound of John Paul's voice asking him not to, protesting with him to stay and talk. It was so John Paul. Perhaps he wanted to try and clear his conscience before he started his new life with Craig. But Kieron couldn't stand there any longer and he couldn't watch as John Paul tried to explain what had happened or why he had acted the way he did.

It really didn't mean anything now, the damage was done; no words or explanations would have changed that. It was better this way. It was better if he was just gone. Better that Kieron had packed just the few possessions he had, left a note for Niall and left.

He had no life here; not anymore. And people adapted easily when things change, when people leave, they continue on as everything were the same, and the one small thing that for some bizarre reason filled Kieron with a sense of comfort was that it would be like he never even existed.

The End.