AN: All standard disclaimers apply here.
Announcer: "Now, for another installment of? 'If They Mated'!" (echos off for several minutes) "What if the TV shows Yu-Gi-Oh, and Hogan's Heroes had baby? Well, it'd be something like...
Yugi's Heroes !
(Electronic Guitar plays 'Hogan's Hero's theme)
Deep in Nazi Germany, in camp number 13 - which doesn't at all like Japan ;) - Commandant, Col. Setto Kaiba, his monocle spiffed and polished, ordered that the prisoners be called out for roll call, and their bunks inspected.
"Sgt. Mokuba!" Col. Kaiba shouted. The little sergeant came running out of his barracks, and quickly ran a finger over his very tiny mustache. "Where is Col. Yugi?" Col. Kaiba demanded.
"I don't know, big brother- I mean, heir Colonel!" the tiny Sgt. Said.
"What do you mean you don't know!?!" Col. Kaiba screamed, infuriated. "You're supposed to have your eyes on these prisoners 24-7!"
"Well? I... I... I... only b-blinked a couple of times," Sgt. Mokuba stuttered. Meanwhile, behind Col. Kaiba, Col. Yugi snuck out of his office, papers in hand, and quickly stuffed them in his leather flight jacket. Then, he dropped to the ground, and crawled over to the line up of prisoners. He stood up, dusted himself off, and began to whistle innocently.
"Look, sir, there he is!" Sgt Mokuba said, pointing to Yugi. Kaiba turned on his heel, and hurriedly stomped over to stare at the shorter man.
"Well, Col. Yugi. Where have you been?" Col Kaiba asked, semi-calm.
"Right here Commandant," Yugi said, smiling. "Where else would I be? I would like to be home, looking over my card collection, but-"
"You know what I mean!!" Kaiba shouted at Yugi, brandishing his riding crop.
"Hey, Yuge," Corporal Joey Newkirk said, chuckling, "The crops are in!"
Col Kaiba spun around, and lifted the business end of the riding crop up under Joey's nose, and said. "Silence! Was I speaking to you? Hmm?" The young, irate Colonel turned back to Yugi, and confronted him, "This is precisely what I wanted to talk to you about, Yugi. The condition of your men is deplorable. Look at them! Their moral is terrible!" He pointed along the line, each looking ragged in their old, tattered uniforms. First to Joey, then to Sgt. Tristan Carter, then to the French soldier, Tea LeBou. "Look at them! One of them's a woman!" He said Gesturing to Tea, who promptly blew a bubble with her chewing gum and popped it with her tongue. Kaiba marched over, and demanded of the girl, "Where did you get that gum?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Tea said in a bad French accent.
"Spit it out," Kaiba said, holding out his hand. "Spit it out now." Tea chewed for another minute, then spit the sticky gum into his gloved palm. Kaiba threw it on the ground, and as he walked back to Yugi, Tea got out the pack, and stuck another piece in her mouth.
"See what I mean?" Kaiba asked.
"Oh, don't worry about her sir," Yugi said cheerfully. "We like to think about her as one of the guys."
"She spits like a camel," Col. Kaiba frowned.
"That's what won her the camp beauty contest." Yugi said matter-of-factly.
"Who could she compete against?" Col. Kaiba demanded. "She's the only woman!!"
"Well, sir, she beat out Joey by one vote." Yugi said, Joey waving beside him.
"What?" Kaiba asked.
"Well we only had one judge," Col. Yugi said, "Sergeant Mokuba." Kaiba turned around, and saw Mokuba twiddling his thumbs and whistling. His face as red as a tomato.
"Well, she is pretty," Tristan said.
"Quiet!" Kaiba ordered. "Listen Yugi, you know my record. Not one single successful escape from Camp 13, unlike at Camp 7, where they walk the prisoners out by the dozen. Two escapes from the camp last night, and they still haven't found them. I won't let such a terrible misfortune befall this camp. Keep your men's moral up, and keep them out of trouble, or else my guards will shoot them down with a snap of my fingers. Understand?"
"Perfectly sir," Yugi said.
"Dismissed!" Kaiba shouted, turning around and going back into his office. As the line dispersed, Yugi turned to his group of heathens, and said, "Well guys, looks like we're gonna have to have another beauty contest."
"Oh no," Joey said, Tea smiling behind him. "I don't wanna have to wear that stupid dress again, man. It makes me look fat."
"It distracts from your ugly face," Tristan said.
" By the way, Joey," Tea said, tossing a tangle of fabric at him, "My dress got ripped last time."
"Wonderful," Joey grumped, "Now I gotta spend another freakin five hours over that sewing machine in the dark." He trudged along after the other three into their barracks. When the door was closed behind them, Yugi went into his private bunk and laid down. A few minutes later, Tea walked in, and sat down beside him.
"Well, Yugi, what do we do now?" she asked.
"Well, I've got some ideas," Yugi said, hinting.
"I mean about those two prisoners from Camp 7. They're hiding in the tunnels right now. And they're starting to sing to the radio! I can't take another minute of it! We have to get them back to London."
"Right!" Col Yugi said. The puzzle around his neck glowed, and he became Yugi/Yami. "Let's go!" Yugi/Yami tapped lightly on the side of his bed, and lifted it up to reveal a hidden staircase., which he and Tea descended. In the tunnels, Joey was sewing up fake German uniforms, while RAF Capt. Baukra and USAF Lt. Duke Devlin of California sat on a cushioned bench.
"How are our refugees?" Yugi/Yami asked.
"I think they might be cold, since we took their clothes." Joey said, finishing up Bakura's new uniform. At that, Tristan came down the other side of the tunnel, which led outside the camp's walls to the forest.
"All evidence has been incinerated, Yugi," Tristan said, giving a thumbs' up.
"Good job," Yugi/Yami said, "No one will ever know they were here."
"I can't wait to go home to England," Bakura said, slipping the new uniform on. "I'll be living in the country side in peace soon."
"Well I'm itching to see some action again," Duke said, putting on his uniform. "I'll be blowing those enemy fighters out of the air in no time!"
"Don't count your eggs before they've been laid," Yugi/Yami said. "We still have to get you out of here. We need a good diversion to keep Kaiba's eyes away from us for at least one night so we can get you out of camp."
"You know, it's a shame you can't stick around for the beauty contest, Bakura," Tristan said. "You got a good chance of beating Tea."
"No one in this whole country could beat me," Tea said, opening her coat, revealing a very low cut one piece bathing suit. All the guys fainted.
--------------Break-----------------------------
"So, you want me to infiltrate Yugi's motley bomber crew?" Mai said, freshening up her cherry red lipstick.
"Yugi's one weakness is beautiful women," Col. Kaiba said from across his desk. Sgt. Mokuba stood behind him, at the ready for anything. "He'll never be able to resist you."
"Of course," Mai said. "What man could? Why, I could charm the Fuehrer himself into giving away precious secrets. I think I already have." She said, trying to remember her last trip to Berlin.
"Here, you will be our newest prisoner, just transferred from camp number 5. And you've come at a very interesting time, since Yugi and his gang are planning a camp beauty contest. And I suspect that you'll win," Kaiba turned and gave Mokuba a cold stare. Poor little Mokuba gulped and nodded.
----------Break-------------------------------
Yugi and the others came in from the tunnel, and closed it off for a few more hours. They sat around on the bunk beds, and discussed the pageant.
"Alright guys," Yugi said, "We need to discuss this contest. First, new decorations for the stage."
"Uh, Yuge," Joey said from the door, "Sergeant Mokuba's coming."
"Act natural," Yugi told them.
"You mean just totally ignore the fact that he's here and keep talking, like we always do?" Tristan inquired.
"Sure, why not," Yugi said, "Mokuba's a good sport." They made plans for the contest, while Mokuba let himself in, and walked around, acting smug, and smiling to himself.
"Hmmm," Yugi whispered to Tea, "Something's up by the looks of this."
"I'm on it," Tea whispered back. She un buttoned the top of her coat, and walked over to the short Sgt. "Oh Mokuba, I'm so happy you came by. We just got our Red Cross packages, and I saved a bar of chocolate just for you." she said, pulling the chocolate bar from her blouse.
"Is that Swiss Chocolate," Mokuba asked, starting to sweat nervously.
"Of course," Tea answered. "The finest in the world. And it's just for you." Mokuba reached for it, but Tea drew it away quickly. "But first, you have to tell me what's going on." Tea said, the other guys leaning in to listen.
"What?" Mokuba asked. "What do you mean? I... I know nothing."
"Oh come on, Mokuba," Tea said, her hands on he hips, "That's what you tell your brother about us. Now be a good little boy, and tell me what your brother has planned for us. I'll not only give you the chocolate, but I'll also give you a kiss."
"Okay!" Mokuba shouted, eagerly. Tea gave him the chocolate bar, and Mokuba spilled the beans about everything as he ate.
"So, Kaiba's bringing in a ringer for our beauty contest, who's gonna try and charm our leader?" Joey summed up.
"You guys have to keep this woman away from me at all costs," Yugi said.
"Don't worry, dude. I'll charm her and win her heart." Joey said with confidence.
"Why can't In seduce the spy?" Tristan asked, disappointed.
"Who was runner up in the last beauty contest?" Joey asked him. Tristan hung his head, and began to cry, because he came in third.
"I think we had deal?" Mokuba said, puckering his lips. Tea leaned down, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Mokuba laughed happily, then fell over.
"Time to drag him back to the colonel," Tristan said, hefting the little sergeant over his shoulder.
--------------Break-----------------------
The next day, the camp prisoners were introduced to their newest bunkmate, Corporal Mai Valentino. When they were dismissed, Mai started to saunter over to Yugi immediately. But, she was quickly intercepted by Tristan and Joey.
"Welcome to camp 13!" Tristan said, "I'm in charge of the welcoming committee."
"How nice," Mai said, sarcastically. "Could I speak to Yugi for a minute?" She asked.
"He's busy right now," Joey said, twirling her around, and taking her arm in his, "But I'm free for the rest of our lives. I'll get you whatever your heart desires. I'd swim the tallest mountain, for you. Climb the deepest sea!" He dropped to bended knee, and held her hand tightly.
"We just met!" Mai said, nervously.
"And I feel like I've known ya a lifetime," Joey said, pulling a box from his coat pocket. "Marry me, babe, and we'll share all or hopes, dreams, and towels together!" He popped the lid on the box, revealing a huge 'diamond' engagement ring.
"Wow!" Mai gasped, quickly taking the ring, and slipping it on her finger. "Is this rock real!?!"
Kaiba, who'd watched the whole thing, let his monocle fall from his eyes, lifted a clenched fist, and said, "Yugi!!!!!!!"
(Guitar plays end theme)
Announcer: "Now, for another installment of? 'If They Mated'!" (echos off for several minutes) "What if the TV shows Yu-Gi-Oh, and Hogan's Heroes had baby? Well, it'd be something like...
Yugi's Heroes !
(Electronic Guitar plays 'Hogan's Hero's theme)
Deep in Nazi Germany, in camp number 13 - which doesn't at all like Japan ;) - Commandant, Col. Setto Kaiba, his monocle spiffed and polished, ordered that the prisoners be called out for roll call, and their bunks inspected.
"Sgt. Mokuba!" Col. Kaiba shouted. The little sergeant came running out of his barracks, and quickly ran a finger over his very tiny mustache. "Where is Col. Yugi?" Col. Kaiba demanded.
"I don't know, big brother- I mean, heir Colonel!" the tiny Sgt. Said.
"What do you mean you don't know!?!" Col. Kaiba screamed, infuriated. "You're supposed to have your eyes on these prisoners 24-7!"
"Well? I... I... I... only b-blinked a couple of times," Sgt. Mokuba stuttered. Meanwhile, behind Col. Kaiba, Col. Yugi snuck out of his office, papers in hand, and quickly stuffed them in his leather flight jacket. Then, he dropped to the ground, and crawled over to the line up of prisoners. He stood up, dusted himself off, and began to whistle innocently.
"Look, sir, there he is!" Sgt Mokuba said, pointing to Yugi. Kaiba turned on his heel, and hurriedly stomped over to stare at the shorter man.
"Well, Col. Yugi. Where have you been?" Col Kaiba asked, semi-calm.
"Right here Commandant," Yugi said, smiling. "Where else would I be? I would like to be home, looking over my card collection, but-"
"You know what I mean!!" Kaiba shouted at Yugi, brandishing his riding crop.
"Hey, Yuge," Corporal Joey Newkirk said, chuckling, "The crops are in!"
Col Kaiba spun around, and lifted the business end of the riding crop up under Joey's nose, and said. "Silence! Was I speaking to you? Hmm?" The young, irate Colonel turned back to Yugi, and confronted him, "This is precisely what I wanted to talk to you about, Yugi. The condition of your men is deplorable. Look at them! Their moral is terrible!" He pointed along the line, each looking ragged in their old, tattered uniforms. First to Joey, then to Sgt. Tristan Carter, then to the French soldier, Tea LeBou. "Look at them! One of them's a woman!" He said Gesturing to Tea, who promptly blew a bubble with her chewing gum and popped it with her tongue. Kaiba marched over, and demanded of the girl, "Where did you get that gum?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?" Tea said in a bad French accent.
"Spit it out," Kaiba said, holding out his hand. "Spit it out now." Tea chewed for another minute, then spit the sticky gum into his gloved palm. Kaiba threw it on the ground, and as he walked back to Yugi, Tea got out the pack, and stuck another piece in her mouth.
"See what I mean?" Kaiba asked.
"Oh, don't worry about her sir," Yugi said cheerfully. "We like to think about her as one of the guys."
"She spits like a camel," Col. Kaiba frowned.
"That's what won her the camp beauty contest." Yugi said matter-of-factly.
"Who could she compete against?" Col. Kaiba demanded. "She's the only woman!!"
"Well, sir, she beat out Joey by one vote." Yugi said, Joey waving beside him.
"What?" Kaiba asked.
"Well we only had one judge," Col. Yugi said, "Sergeant Mokuba." Kaiba turned around, and saw Mokuba twiddling his thumbs and whistling. His face as red as a tomato.
"Well, she is pretty," Tristan said.
"Quiet!" Kaiba ordered. "Listen Yugi, you know my record. Not one single successful escape from Camp 13, unlike at Camp 7, where they walk the prisoners out by the dozen. Two escapes from the camp last night, and they still haven't found them. I won't let such a terrible misfortune befall this camp. Keep your men's moral up, and keep them out of trouble, or else my guards will shoot them down with a snap of my fingers. Understand?"
"Perfectly sir," Yugi said.
"Dismissed!" Kaiba shouted, turning around and going back into his office. As the line dispersed, Yugi turned to his group of heathens, and said, "Well guys, looks like we're gonna have to have another beauty contest."
"Oh no," Joey said, Tea smiling behind him. "I don't wanna have to wear that stupid dress again, man. It makes me look fat."
"It distracts from your ugly face," Tristan said.
" By the way, Joey," Tea said, tossing a tangle of fabric at him, "My dress got ripped last time."
"Wonderful," Joey grumped, "Now I gotta spend another freakin five hours over that sewing machine in the dark." He trudged along after the other three into their barracks. When the door was closed behind them, Yugi went into his private bunk and laid down. A few minutes later, Tea walked in, and sat down beside him.
"Well, Yugi, what do we do now?" she asked.
"Well, I've got some ideas," Yugi said, hinting.
"I mean about those two prisoners from Camp 7. They're hiding in the tunnels right now. And they're starting to sing to the radio! I can't take another minute of it! We have to get them back to London."
"Right!" Col Yugi said. The puzzle around his neck glowed, and he became Yugi/Yami. "Let's go!" Yugi/Yami tapped lightly on the side of his bed, and lifted it up to reveal a hidden staircase., which he and Tea descended. In the tunnels, Joey was sewing up fake German uniforms, while RAF Capt. Baukra and USAF Lt. Duke Devlin of California sat on a cushioned bench.
"How are our refugees?" Yugi/Yami asked.
"I think they might be cold, since we took their clothes." Joey said, finishing up Bakura's new uniform. At that, Tristan came down the other side of the tunnel, which led outside the camp's walls to the forest.
"All evidence has been incinerated, Yugi," Tristan said, giving a thumbs' up.
"Good job," Yugi/Yami said, "No one will ever know they were here."
"I can't wait to go home to England," Bakura said, slipping the new uniform on. "I'll be living in the country side in peace soon."
"Well I'm itching to see some action again," Duke said, putting on his uniform. "I'll be blowing those enemy fighters out of the air in no time!"
"Don't count your eggs before they've been laid," Yugi/Yami said. "We still have to get you out of here. We need a good diversion to keep Kaiba's eyes away from us for at least one night so we can get you out of camp."
"You know, it's a shame you can't stick around for the beauty contest, Bakura," Tristan said. "You got a good chance of beating Tea."
"No one in this whole country could beat me," Tea said, opening her coat, revealing a very low cut one piece bathing suit. All the guys fainted.
--------------Break-----------------------------
"So, you want me to infiltrate Yugi's motley bomber crew?" Mai said, freshening up her cherry red lipstick.
"Yugi's one weakness is beautiful women," Col. Kaiba said from across his desk. Sgt. Mokuba stood behind him, at the ready for anything. "He'll never be able to resist you."
"Of course," Mai said. "What man could? Why, I could charm the Fuehrer himself into giving away precious secrets. I think I already have." She said, trying to remember her last trip to Berlin.
"Here, you will be our newest prisoner, just transferred from camp number 5. And you've come at a very interesting time, since Yugi and his gang are planning a camp beauty contest. And I suspect that you'll win," Kaiba turned and gave Mokuba a cold stare. Poor little Mokuba gulped and nodded.
----------Break-------------------------------
Yugi and the others came in from the tunnel, and closed it off for a few more hours. They sat around on the bunk beds, and discussed the pageant.
"Alright guys," Yugi said, "We need to discuss this contest. First, new decorations for the stage."
"Uh, Yuge," Joey said from the door, "Sergeant Mokuba's coming."
"Act natural," Yugi told them.
"You mean just totally ignore the fact that he's here and keep talking, like we always do?" Tristan inquired.
"Sure, why not," Yugi said, "Mokuba's a good sport." They made plans for the contest, while Mokuba let himself in, and walked around, acting smug, and smiling to himself.
"Hmmm," Yugi whispered to Tea, "Something's up by the looks of this."
"I'm on it," Tea whispered back. She un buttoned the top of her coat, and walked over to the short Sgt. "Oh Mokuba, I'm so happy you came by. We just got our Red Cross packages, and I saved a bar of chocolate just for you." she said, pulling the chocolate bar from her blouse.
"Is that Swiss Chocolate," Mokuba asked, starting to sweat nervously.
"Of course," Tea answered. "The finest in the world. And it's just for you." Mokuba reached for it, but Tea drew it away quickly. "But first, you have to tell me what's going on." Tea said, the other guys leaning in to listen.
"What?" Mokuba asked. "What do you mean? I... I know nothing."
"Oh come on, Mokuba," Tea said, her hands on he hips, "That's what you tell your brother about us. Now be a good little boy, and tell me what your brother has planned for us. I'll not only give you the chocolate, but I'll also give you a kiss."
"Okay!" Mokuba shouted, eagerly. Tea gave him the chocolate bar, and Mokuba spilled the beans about everything as he ate.
"So, Kaiba's bringing in a ringer for our beauty contest, who's gonna try and charm our leader?" Joey summed up.
"You guys have to keep this woman away from me at all costs," Yugi said.
"Don't worry, dude. I'll charm her and win her heart." Joey said with confidence.
"Why can't In seduce the spy?" Tristan asked, disappointed.
"Who was runner up in the last beauty contest?" Joey asked him. Tristan hung his head, and began to cry, because he came in third.
"I think we had deal?" Mokuba said, puckering his lips. Tea leaned down, and gave him a kiss on the cheek. Mokuba laughed happily, then fell over.
"Time to drag him back to the colonel," Tristan said, hefting the little sergeant over his shoulder.
--------------Break-----------------------
The next day, the camp prisoners were introduced to their newest bunkmate, Corporal Mai Valentino. When they were dismissed, Mai started to saunter over to Yugi immediately. But, she was quickly intercepted by Tristan and Joey.
"Welcome to camp 13!" Tristan said, "I'm in charge of the welcoming committee."
"How nice," Mai said, sarcastically. "Could I speak to Yugi for a minute?" She asked.
"He's busy right now," Joey said, twirling her around, and taking her arm in his, "But I'm free for the rest of our lives. I'll get you whatever your heart desires. I'd swim the tallest mountain, for you. Climb the deepest sea!" He dropped to bended knee, and held her hand tightly.
"We just met!" Mai said, nervously.
"And I feel like I've known ya a lifetime," Joey said, pulling a box from his coat pocket. "Marry me, babe, and we'll share all or hopes, dreams, and towels together!" He popped the lid on the box, revealing a huge 'diamond' engagement ring.
"Wow!" Mai gasped, quickly taking the ring, and slipping it on her finger. "Is this rock real!?!"
Kaiba, who'd watched the whole thing, let his monocle fall from his eyes, lifted a clenched fist, and said, "Yugi!!!!!!!"
(Guitar plays end theme)