THE ADVENTURES OF HAROLD PAUPER
Narrator: In a magical land we know as Detroit there was a young boy who went by the name of Harold. He lived in a small and quirky house living in the cupboards with his stepfather Uncle Ben. Uncle Ben was a great man, but he often had drinking problem; he also had discipline issues with Harold.
Uncle Ben: *Drunk* You're going to technical college..? BULLSHIT! You're gonna *Hic* go to a magical school, and ride in a magic schoolbus. And you're gonna meet some hot chicks, and piss in the water supply. Do you understand what I'm asking of you boy..?
Harold: Y-yes, Uncle Ben
Uncle Ben: *Burp* Good boy, wheeze gonna sign you up in the morning. Git yo clownza pants on, and make sure to wear lots of underwears boi.
Narrator: That night, something terrible happened. A crash was heard from the front door. A man dressed in pink, sneaked through the house as if in a musical craze. He grabs Harold, and the boy screams. His mouth gets covered by a dainty hand. His step-father, Uncle Ben awakens with a 2 gauge shotgun in his hands.
Uncle Ben: I knews it would come to this one day, I thought the elephants from SPACE would come down and abductificate my young and brittle Harold. I'ma gonna git down there and shoot yo ass! *Cocks Shotgun*
Narrator: Moldawort stabs Uncle Ben in the heart, he lets out a ear-piercing cry of agony and EXTREME discomfort.
Uncle Ben: AH HELL NAW, Why do the black guy have to die in this cracker ass world.
Narrator: As fate would decide, Harold would not be abducted that night. As Moldawort was walking out the door, he was hit by a bullet in his left testicle, by Uncle Ben.
Uncle Ben: PLOT TWIST NIGGA.
Narrator: As Uncle Ben let out a last exasperated groan (Of many he had given out in his life). Moldawort flees from the house. Scared to lose his other testicle, Harold is dropped on his head onto on a solid concrete sidewalk, making a star shaped scar on the back of his head.
Narrator: Unfortunately, Harold never got to put his clown pants on, and he only wore one pair of underwear that day. As Harold was mourning over Uncle Ben's dead body next morning, he heard a loud thump at his door.
Harold: Huh, who is that..?
Narrator: Again he heard a thump
Harold: Hello, is anyone there..?
Narrator: Again he heard a thump
Harold: Uh, who it it..?
Narrator: Once again, he heard a thump.
Narrator: At this point, the story has had too many thumps, moving forward, a large man now slams through the tiny door using his powerful abs. He appears to be riding a small tubular device of sorts.
Harold: Wh-who are you..?
Habrid: MAH NAME IS HABRID, AH AM FRUM PIGBOILS. YOUR UNCLE SENT ME TO TAKE YOU THERE ON OUR MAGIC SCHOOLBUS. UNFORTUNATELY IT'S BEING USED BY MRS. F. RIGHT NOW. GET BEHIND ME SON, GRAB ON.
Narrator: Habrid turns around to face his large bulging rear towards Harold. He is riding what appears to be a 'pool noodle'.
Habrid: DON'T BE BASHFUL, MY ASS IS BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US.
Harold: My Uncle was just killed!
Habrid: HE WEREN'T YOUR STEP FATHER, OR YOUR UNCLE, HAROLD. YOUR MOTHER WAS A STUDENT AT PIGBOILS, AH LAD, I'LL TELL YOU LATER. I'M HERE BECAUSE IT'S YOUR DESTINY TO JOIN OUR RANKS AND BE A MAGICAL GIRL.
Harold: Okay
Narrator: As Harold grabs Habrids broad firm buttock, they ascend into the dawning sunlight. Flying over the streets of Detroit. They head towards Castle Pigboils, where Harold would soon follow his destiny. As Harold enters into the castle, he sees the vast hallways that adorned the arcane asylum that would soon become his new school. As he enters into the school hallway, he sees all sorts of slop thrown about the tables with students of various sorts of babbling nerds. As he sits down, awkwardly, regretting that he only was wearing one pair of underwear, he sees an old decrepit man stumble onto a stage facing the surrounding tables.
Dubbledraft: Oooh, hah, ah ohh, WOAH. Why hello, all my students. My name is Dubbledraft I am the man who is the guy to tell you that I am the person who is responsible for your well being
I will pluck you from the soil of your miserable lives, plant you in fresh manure, water and grow you into a strong, firm, big, tall PLANT thing. You will all wear the underpants of understanding, to smell the armpit of wizardry. If you smell roses, you will sit at the seats of Bubblebath. If you smell the stench of rotting flesh, you will sit at the house of Mc Burger. If you smell the screams of Kthulu, you will sit at the seats of Bananapants. If you feel the wet tingle of Ravenfur, you will enter the house of YIFF, a clever acronym I might add. *GROANS* And if you hear nothing, you will be exiled to survive the elements of this dark and haunted island. You will also be hunted by Americans looking for the bigfoot. So are we clear!?
Narrator: The disturbed and dumbfounded students collectively relieve their bodily functions, leaving a slight tinge of piss in the air.
Dubbledraft: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO*Coughs*OOOOOOOOOO's first?
Billy: I'll go first, sir.
Narrator: A young, brave, prodigy of a student steps up to the underpants of understanding. He calmly steps up and sits into the large undergarments, sure that he will end up going to the seats of YIFF.
Dubbledraft: (Calmly) What is your name young boy..?
Billy: My name is Billy Sir.
Dubble Draft: (Still Calmly) Tell us about yourself Billy, tell us about your dreams, tell all us about your ass-pirations of joining our prestigious college.
Billy: I grew up with a strong understanding of the arcane; casting my first healing spell at just the age of five. I joined the academy of distinguished pupils with honours, making strides in saving people from terminal illnesses as well as developing an established orphanage for starving abandoned puppies. I hope to one day become a great wizard, healing those who are burdened with malignant diseases, and one day, revolutionize modern medicine in order to make progress toward world peace.
Dubbledraft: *GROANS* Well, boy, sounds like you have a vast and wonderful future ahead of you! Tell me boy, what do you smell, hear or feel..?
Billy: I hear the bells of peace ringing throughout the lands, I smell warm houses of a people with plenty of food, I feel the cool breeze of a land without war and fear.
Dubbledraft: *Groans* Hmm, Very well.
Billy: So, sir, which seat do I go to..?
Dubbledraft: Well, boy, you will be.. Dropped into the vast and treacherous caves below. Exiled to survive the elements of this dark and haunted island. Never sleeping, always running to avoid American Hunters searching for bigfoot. Rarely seeing the light of day and sleeping your numbered nights on the cold blood-stained floors of the bowels of this university.
Billy: Wait.. what..?
Narrator: As little Billy, the small pupil, let out a small yelp, he was dropped into a deep dark pit. Never to have his aspirations come to light.
Dubbledraft: *GROANS* Alright, so who's next..?
Narrator: LAST TIME ON HAROLD PAUPER:
Uncle Ben: PLOT TWIST NIGGA.
Habrid: MY ASS IS BIG ENOUGH FOR THE TWO OF US.
Dubbledraft: If you feel the wet tingle of ravenfur, you will enter the house of YIFF
Billy: My name is Billy Sir.
Dubbledraft: Boy, you will be.. exiled to survive the elements of this dark and haunted island.
Dubbledraft: *GROANS* Alright, so who's next..?
Episode 2: Harold Makes Some Friends
Dubbledraft: *Groans* OHHHHH, I think I just pissed myself. Confound these students, they make me wet my nickers. Alright, who's next..?
Gron: *Screams*
Dubbledraft: *Groans* Ah, you there boy, come on up here.
Narrator: Gron whimpers and walks up to the underpants and sits in them.
Dubbledraft: Ah, what do you fEEEEEEEEEl?
Gron: I feel uncomfortable, it's like your raping me with your eyes. Are you wearing any pants under that tunic?
Dubbledraft: *Groans loudly* AHHHHHHHHHHH, You need to go to the seats of Bubblebath.
Gron: Do I have to get naked..?
Dubbledraft: *Laughs boisterously* Oh, heavens no!, But if you'd like to get naked..
Gron: My butt feels sore.
Dubbledraft: Alrighty, now we have a boy by the name of Dorko. Come on over here.
Dorko: Alright, I'm ready!
Dubbledraft: You know the drill.
Dorko: I feel a bit wet..
Dubbledraft: You will sit in the seats of-
Dorko: My Daddy says I'm going to sit in the seats of Mc Burger.
Dubbledraft: *GROOAANS* But you will sit in-
Dorko: But my Daddy saaayayaaaass!
Dubbledraft: ARRRGH BOLLOCKS, alright, you will sit of the house of 'MC BURGER' Are you happy you brat..?
Dorko: Very
Dubbledraft: Harold, step up PLLEAAEAEEAAES!
Narrator: As our hero steps up to the underpants, he feels a strange tingle down his spine. He is certain that he will be led to his destiny in the underpants of understanding. He sits down and smells the fragrant scent of soap and bath water
Dubbledraft: Well..?
Harold: I smell old people soap.
Dubbledraft: Go sit at the seats of bubblebath! AWAY WITH YOU VERMIN, Now then. What about you young woman?
Hermayney: Go suck a dick old man.
Dubbledraft: Bubblebath, GOOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW.
Alright, we will deal with the rest of you peoples later. We ARE DONE FOR TODAY, LEAVE NOW you buffoons!
Narrator: As Harold went to his dorm and set up the little possessions that he brought, Gron bumped into him.
Gron: I'm sorry that I thrusted into you right there.I didn't want to bump into your chest. I hope your nipples are okay.
Harold: Yes.. they're... fine.
Gron: While we're talking about personal space, do you wanna be my bunk buddy..? We can cuddle up close together and even sleep in the same bed!
Harold: Uhh..
Hermayne: NO, I don't want to stay with a bunch of other sissy cunts, I want to be around respectable human beings that don't blather on about boys, and sex, and what kind of frilly arse dresses they are wearing.
Girl #1: Come on now, we're not too bad. We can accept your differences and lack of femininity and style.
Hermayne: I will literally kill you if you talk to me again, I will cut your head off, and display it in the dining hall. No joke, DEAD.
Girl #1: *SCREAMS!*
Hermayne: Good on ya' you dick shagging cocksucker!
Gron: Speaking of dicks, my dick is where it belongs. In my pants.
Hermayne: If you speak about your dick again, I'll cut it off you strange pervy bastard.
Harold: Uhh.. What I think he means to say is: hello there Mrs. person.
Hermanyne: Who are you two weirdos..?
Gron: My name is Gron Glarbity Banana Pants Ferret the third.
Harold: And my name is Harold, pleased to meet you.
Gron: Wanna sleep in our room, we can be a threesome.
Hermayne: You two are literally the weirdest people I ever met, why the hell would I want to do that?
Girl #2: Yoohoo! Hermayne, we're gonna have a slumber party tonight, we're gonna do our nails, and we're gonna cast 'enlargement' spells on some of the boys down the hall and see what happens *Giggle*
Hermayne: I will rip your fuk'n eyeballs out and shove them up your arse.
Girl #2 *Shrieks in Terror*
Hermayne: *under breath* Oh fuk' me, yes, I'll stay with you!
Gron: We're gonna be Best Buds forever, you'll see! I'll bring the panties!
Narrator: Later that day, the three new 'best buds' got ready to go to sleep in their bunk beds. Gron was snuggling with Harold on the top bunk while Hermayne sharpened her knife in the bottom. They were to become the greatest of friends, I made sure of that.
Narrator: LAST TIME ON HAROLD PAUPER
Gron: You wanna be my bunk buddy..? We can cuddle up close together and even sleep in the same bed!
Harold: Uhh..
Hermanyne: Who are you two weirdos..?
Gron: My name is Gron Glarbity Banana Pants Ferret the third.
Harold: And my name is Harold, pleased to meet you.
Hermayne: Oh fuk me, yes, I'll stay with you!
Gron: We're gonna be Best Buds forever, you'll see!
Episode 3: Gron takes a Bath
Gron: *Screams* Something's attacking me, AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Harold: Gron, what is it..?
Hermayne: *Sigh* G-rreeaat what the Fu'k have you done now?
Gron: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, ITS A SNAKE NOOOOOOOOOOOO…. AHHH…. *Laughs* Oh, false alarm guys, it was just a morning boner.
Hermayne: Well, good morning to you, you fuk'n little ball of sunshine.
Harold: Golly gee, it is quite a beautiful day.
Gron: Like I said, 'best buds'!
Narrator: The trio went to their first class at Pigboils with their teacher Professor Snake.
Snake: Why hello sssstudentsssss. My name is professor Ssssnake. You may call me Ssssssnake or Mr. Sssss if you'd like.
Gron: Professor, why do you talk like you have peanut butter in your mouth..?
Snake: I have a lissssssssp, and I can't pronounssssssse my essssssssssesssssss.
Gron: Well okay there, bro
Snake: I will teacccch you how to make Ssssouflesss and Squasssh and Sssspaghatti. Beausssse thisss isss a cooking classsss.
Hermayne: THIS is fuk'ing retarded.
Harold: Sir, why do we need to take a cooking class if we're going to a magic school..?
Snake: My dear boy, we require all of our ssssstudentssss to take cooking classssesss as one of their electivesssss.
Hermayne: Fuk'n bullshite.
Gron: I've always wanted to pinch a loaf.
Narrator: Our team of friends now understand the redundancy of the modern education system. But even educational redundancy will not help them for what was about to happen next.
Tired from a long day of 'pinching loaves', gron decided to take a shower in the bathroom, which just so happened to be where the old 'rapist' asylum was when the place used to be a prison.
Gron: Lalalalala, washing my toasies, washing my toasies. Went and pinched some loavesies, now I'm, washing my toasies. Whooooooooooooops, dropped the soap.
Narrator: Suddenly Gron heard an old raspy voice out of nowhere.
Ghost: Give me yo booty, boy!
Narrator: As Gron turned around, his gaze met that of a morbidly obese ghost with extreme body hair.
Gron: AAAAAAHHHH, Oh, who are you..?
Ghost: I used to be a senator. I was also a convicted rapist of choir boys when I was still living. It was just a conviction though, no substantial evidence.
Gron: You're dead..?
Ghost: Yes, I died from Fuking a grown man in the ass. It felt so good I died.
Gron: Wow, what a way to go.. or come.. into being a ghost. Wait.. so how can you have sex with someone if you're dead..?
Ghost: Wanna find out..?
Narrator: Later that day, Harold also went to take a shower..
Harold: Oh, hey Gron, so this is where you were for the past five hours. How are you doing..?
Gron: My butt's a bit sore but, otherwise i'm doing awesome!
Harold: That's great!, Mind if I join you?
Gron: It would be an honour.
Narrator: Harold took off his clothes and jumped in the bath with Gron.
Harold: So what's up..?
Gron: Nothing much, cleaning between my toasies, thinking of mustard, a ghost came to say hello..
Harold: Wait what..?
Gron: Yeah, I used to eat mustard right out of the tube when I was younger, I still do it on occasion when no one's looking.
Harold: No, go back to the part about the ghost.
Gron: Oh, he was really nice. He asked if he could come and I said "Alright, you can come if you want to, we're all friends here". He did some weird groany things, but he also whispered a deep dark secret into my ear about a magic orb of power or something.
Harold: What..?
*Flashback*
Ghost: *Groaaanns* Oh, boy, have a secret to tell you, one that is deeper, darker, and more perilous than my own bunghole. There is a secret orb of arcane mystic power. It's called the orb of the Shamalan. It is said to fill even the deepest of plotholes. It is about the shape and size of a kidney bean, and holds great power over changing fate itself.
Gron: Well, golly, gee bro. I'm gonna get that kidney bean power pellet and save the world with my friends.
*Flashback Ends*
Gron: I'm gonna miss that old man, he was a swell fellow. He came and now he's gone.
Harold: Hey, Gron, I have a great idea. Let's try to find that Shamalama Ding Dong, and see what sort of power it actually has!
Gron: That is the best idea I've heard, since that old man paid me a visit, lets do that right now.
Narrator: And so, the very first day of classes, Harold and Gron decided to embark on an epic quest of massive proportions. Certain that they will find the key to their destinies by finding this Orb that a Rapist ghost politician whispered into Gron's ear in the most intimate moment he's had in his short life. The boys set off to find this mysterious orb of which they virtually knew nothing about, with only a pocket full of change, and a pair of pink polkadot panties that Gron had worn the night before. The boys ran towards a gate in the school that stated "No entry, extremely dangerous." "Do not enter, unless you want to die. No soliciting, mormons, or scientologists. Trespassers will be shot."
Harold: Hey, Gron, we're at the place you were talking about, I don't know if this is the best idea though.
Narrator: When Harold gets concerned about a bad idea, that means that the endeavour ensured almost certain death. In this case, this is completely accurate of what is about to take place.
Gron: Naw, they just put these signs up to keep tourists away. They probably keep all of their good chocolate and nuts back there.
Harold: I really don't think that this is a good idea.
Snake: Get back here you ssssuffable rapssscallion. Give me back my magic hole!
Hermayne: What, you want this back you wanker? Well, you're not gonna get it!
Snake: Come back here sssssswine.
Gron: Com'on Harold, we have to help her, it looks like he is chasing her because of some reason.
Harold: That is exactly the best thing that we should do. Let's go into this door and grab Hermayne before he grabs her first.
Narrator: The boys open the door, and go inside. They poke their arms out as Hermayne runs past. They quickly pull her in and slam the door shut. Little did they know, they just shut a one-way pan-dimensional door that led to one of hundreds of locations in the underground of Pigbboils. There was no way back for our brave heroes.
Gron: *Phew*, It's a good thing we're safe now.
Harold: Hermayne, what was that all about..?
Harmayne: I caught that grown shitebag of a man wanking in his own classroom. I grabbed his Shaghole, and ran as fast as I could. The sod of a man, went running around after me with his trousers 'round his ankles.
Harold: So, you stole that thingamawhatsit from the teacher? That's bad.
Gron: So, what's inside it..?
Hermayne: Well, It's not sour cream, I'll tell you that. Wait, where did you bring me..?
Gron: Well, there was this door that said something like "Extremely dangerous, do not enter, death."
Hermayne: W0t..?
Harold: I was saying that it would probably be a bad idea, but when we saw you running from Snake, we thought that you were in trouble, so we decided to pull you in here.
Hermayne: Alright, well, I think I should get back to our dorm now. I'm getting pretty tired of you two.
Narrator: Hermayne attempted to open the solid iron door, but it didn't budge.
Harold: I think we might be trapped down here.
Hermayne: What did you say..?
Gron: We might be stuck down here forever, I heard that the tunnels go on for miles.
Hermayne: Goddamit, hell, Fuk, don't leave me with these two Fuk'n idiots!
Narrator: LAST TIME ON HAROLD PAUPER:
Gron: *Screams* Something's attacking me, AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
Hermayne: Well, good morning to you, you fuk'n little ball of sunshine.
Ghost: Oh, boy, have a secret to tell you, It's called the orb of the Shamalan. It is said to fill even the deepest of plotholes and holds great power over changing fate itself.
Harold: I really don't think that this is a good idea.
Snake: Get back here you ssssuffable rapssscallion. Give me back my magic hole!
Gron: We might be stuck down here forever, I heard that the tunnels go on for miles.
Hermayne: Goddamit, hell, Fuk, don't leave me with these two idiots!
Episode 4: Miles of Caverns
Gron: Yay, ADVENTURE!
Hermayne: SHUT THE FU'K UP! You two might have just trapped me here for the rest of our lives.. Let me try to figure out how to get out of here.
Narrator: After a minute of contemplation, Hermayne had a plan.
Hermayne: Alright, so the island isn't all that big, so if we go ONLY IN ONE direction, we should find a way to the surface within a few hours.
Narrator: As the trio walked down the rocky path, Gron and Harold discussed their current situation with intense focus and calculated thought.
Gron: Do you think that Hermayne is mad, she is yelling kind of loud and giving me angry looks.
Harold: I think she might just be upset because she doesn't like caves.
Gron: Ohh, okay. Well, gosh, I feel bad for trapping her here now.
Harold: Yeah, I knew it would be a bad idea to open that door to begin with.
Gron: Hey, Harold, what do you think Snake was doing with that box..?
Harold: I'm not sure, but I hope he's not too upset.
Gron: Yeah, hopefully he doesn't put anything important in there.
Harold: He might store his most valuable possessions in there.
Gron: That would make sense why he was so mad.
Hermayne: Hey morons, I think I hear something up ahead. I can hear some weird noises.
Harold: It sounds like the stomping of a dinosaur or a monster.
Gron: I'm scared guys, maybe we should turn back..
Hermayne: No way in Fuk'n hell, we just walked for about ten miles, and we are probably just about to get to the surface.
Gron: Ohh, I was afraid you were gonna say that.
Narrator: As the group approached the sound, the cave opened up into a massive room. Inside, they saw a giant turtle with five heads guarding a small box in the back of the room.
Harold: Hey, Gron, that box might be the thing that we were looking for down here.
Gron: Or, it could be some useless junk. Maybe we should get out of here.
Hermayne: Alright, we can take on this MotherFuk'r, one v one me fuk'er.
Gron: How are we supposed to do that, it's a 20ft tall monster with five heads, and a menacing shell!
Hermayne: Well, Gron, you have a pair of panties, Harold, you have pocket change, and I have Snake's pocket pussy.
Harold: What are we gonna do with those..?
Gron: What's a pussy?
Hermayne: One of us are going to get it's attention to draw it over here, one of you are going to throw the change in it's face. Then, someone is going to jump on top of it, and gag one of it's fuk'ing heads. The third person is going to throw the dimensional storage cube down the big arse Fuk'er's throat.
Harold: So am I gonna choke it..?
Heymayne: No, I will. Harold, you are going to get it's attention by throwing your change at it, and Gron is going to throw the cube into it's mouth. Alright, MOVE!
Narrator: Hermayne started moving toward the back of the giant tortoise, and Harold began throwing change at the creature.
Harold: Take that mr. turtle monster!
Narrator: Hermayne began to climb on it's tough shell as it was thrashing from the shock of being hit in the eye with a nickel. Hermayne quickly got to it's neck, wrapping her arms around it's thin throat and began gagging it with the panties.
Hermayne: NOW GRON!
Narrator: Gron lobbed the cube into the creature's mouth, and the small box slid down it's throat.
Hermayne: EVERYONE GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THE TURTLE, RUN!
Narrator: Hermayne jumped off of the giant reptile and the three schoolchildren ran for their lives. In a few short seconds the turtle exploded, white creamy liquid burst from it's body, leaving just an unidentified mangled corpse.
Gron: Wow, there's white stuff everywhere.. I thought you said there wasn't sour cream in there..
Hermayne: No, no. You don't get it, he was wanking into the box.
Gron: Oh… So it's yogurt..?
Narrator: Harold bent down to put some of the unidentifiable substance on his forefinger, and smelled it.
Harold: Smells kind of salty.
Gron: Huh, it must be greek yogurt then.
Hermayne: DON'T FUK'N EAT THAT. You don't know where that.. *Shudders* .. Yogurt has been, it probably went bad and you might die if you eat it.
Harold: She's probably right Gron, I wouldn't mess with it if I were you.
Gron: It's alright, I don't like greek yogurt anyways.
Hermayne: Alright, now we can get the Fu'k out of this God forsaken hell hole.
Gron: Wait, there's a box over there behind where the turtle was.
Harold: *GASP* This might be where the Orb of Shamalan is hidden!
Gron: Yeah, it makes sense that they would guard it with a giant monster guard dog.
Hermayne: Wh0t..? What the hell are you two yammering about..?
Harold: Gron was visited by a ghost, and it told him about a magical artifact of great power.
Hermayne: Right so Grons special butt friend dragged us on this special adventure, great.
Gron: That's not even the half of it.
Narrator: Harold and Gron quickly ran up to the small wooden chest. When they opened it, they saw a small tan object, about the size and shape of a kidney bean.
Gron: It's more beautiful than I imagined.
Harold: So, the ghost must have been telling the truth.
Hermayne: You cocksuckers, this isn't even an orb.
Narrator: Hermayne picked up the small object, and under careful inspection, she came across a startling realization, threw the object at Gron and screamed.
Hermayne: That was a severed Fu'king testicle!
Gron: What's a testicle..?
Narrator: LAST TIME ON HAROLD PAUPER:
Gron: Yay, ADVENTURE!
Hermayne: Hey morons, I think I hear something up ahead. I can hear some weird noises.
Harold: Take that mr. turtle monster!
Hermayne: EVERYONE GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THE TURTLE, RUN!
Gron: Wow, there's white stuff everywhere.. I thought you said there wasn't sour cream in there..
Hermayne: You cosksuckers, That was a severed Fu'king testicle!
Episode 5: Escape
Hermayne: Alright, now to get the Fu'k out of this god-forsaken hellhole.
Harold: Good idea, we should get back to everyone before they get worried about us..
Gron: Goodbye sour cream.. :(
Narrator: The team moves forward, certain that they are about to reach the end of the tunnels, unfortunately the band of youngsters instead become hopelessly lost..
Gron: We are hopelessly lost!
Hermayne: That's the 20th FUK'N time you said that since we killed that turtle five minutes ago Gron!
Gron: Well it's true!
Harold: I think he has a point Hermayne.. I think we are lost!
Narrator: As the children walk on, they *conveniently* stumble into a mysterious passage..
Harold: Wait.. I think I see something glowing guys..
Gron: What is it..? What..? What..? Whaaat!?
Harold: I think it's our way out of here!
Hermayne: Thank fu'k, I was about to chew my own ears of from Gron's constant snivelling.
Narrator: The children crawl through the thin glowing crevice and end up emerging in a locker of sorts.
Gron: Where are we..? It smells like butt in here?
Hermayne: *Sigh* G-reeatl! We're in the men's locker room.
Gron: Hey look guys, I found a balloon!
Narrator: Gron exclaims holding a lengthy rubber device.
Harold: That balloon looks a bit deflated.
Hermayne: THAT IS A FUK'N CONDOM, IF YOU TOO ARSEHEADS DON'T STOP BEING SO GODDAMNED STUPID, I'LL RRRRIP BOTH OF Y'ER DICK OFF!
Narrator: Just then a soft feminine voice called out from the darkness and butt smell of the men's locker room.
Voice: Hello, is anyone there..?
Gron: YES!
Hermayne: (Under her breath)
Voice: It's okay I'm coming!
Harold: (Whispering)
Gron: (Whispering)
Narrator: A middle-aged woman walks up to the trio, she is wearing a thick nightgown and has her hair done up in a bun, she has a worried expression on her face.
Lady: Oh there you three are!
Gron: Who are you lady..?
Mrs. Butterfluff: I am Mrs. Butterfluff and I was looking for you children all day! Snape was so worried that you got lost somewhere while you were playing hide and seek.
Harold: Hide and seek..?
Mrs. Butterfluff: Yes, we have to go see him right away, he'll be so relieved to see you all again!
Hermayne: (Under her breath) To fu'k he will.. Damned pervy bastard..
Narrator: Mrs. Butterfluff takes the children to Dubbledraft's office where Snape is nervously pacing, Dubbledraft attempts to calm Snake down with some conversation and doesn't seem concerned.
Dubbledraft: HHHHHMMM, Snake, YOUUUU don't have anything to worry about. HIDE and SEEK has been a frivolous pastime that has claimed the lives of a number of students at this facility.. You find some.. You LOOOOOSSSEE some..
Mrs. Butterfluff: SIR, I found the students! They were hiding in the Men's locker room the whole time!
Dubbledraft: AHHHH! THANK YOU Mrs. Butterfly! The kids are saved!
Snake: Ah, ssssstudentsssss, whaaaats a rivetssing game of hidssse and ssssssseeeeekk!
Hermayne: SHUT THE FU'K UP!
Snake: Whaaatssss the problemsss Hermayne..?
Hermayne: No, you were over there in the classroom rubbing your dick in your shag box!
Dubbledraft: SHHHHaaagg boxxxx..?
Hermayne: YEAAH!
Dubbledraft: *Groans* WOOOOOAHHH! Snake, there will be SEVEEEEERE CONSEQUENCES FOR YOUR ACTIONS!
Snake: But...
Dubbledraft: NOOOOO BUTTS, now go to your room YOUNG MAN!
Narrator: Snake slinks off to his bedroom with his tail between his thighs.
Dubbledraft: AND AASSS FOR YOU STUDENTS!.. You're free to go, try to get some rest, alright?
Narrator: As the three children leave Dubbledraft's office they hear a loud whiny sound.
Dorko: YOU GOT MY DADDY IN TROUBLE!
Hermayne: And who are you, you little cocksucker..?
Dorko: I am Dorko the Darkspawn, and YOU GOT MY DADDY IN TROUBLE!
Gron: We didn't mean to!
Harold: It was an accident!
Hermayne: LIKE HELL IT WAS, Your Dad is a wanking piece of garbage, and you are his little cocksuck, go back to daddy!
Dorko: That was mean!
Hermayne: GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I CUT YOUR FUK'N BALLS OFF!
Dorko: WAAAAAAAAA!
Narrator: Dorko runs back to his father wailing the entire trip there.
Harold: Golly gee Hermayne, you didn't have to be so mean.
Hermayne: The dickwit deserved it.
Gron: Hmm, good enough for me!
Harold: Well that was quite the adventure
Gron: I'll say! What daring adventures will we have next?
Hermayne: I'm going the fu'k to bed, what a shite day..
Gron: So you didn't have fun on our adventure..?
Narrator: Hermayne gives Harold and Gron the middle finger and slams the door to their dorms shut.
Harold: Well, Gron, at least I had a good time!
Gron: Awww! Thanks Harold, you're the bestest friend ever!
Harold: You too buddy!
Gron: Hey, let's celebrate! I still have that balloon from earlier, we can blow it back up if you want..
Harold: Gron.. That's a great idea!
Narrator: Hermayne went to get some much needed rest and the boys had a party with their very own balloon! So ends the first book of the Adventures of Harold Pauper.. But there are still many adventures to be had and tales to be told. What became of little Billy, had the Americans captured him thinking he was bigfoot? And what of the Shamalan stone, what purpose does it hold.. ? We may or may not find out in the next book! In the Adventures of Harold Pauper!