I have both lived and died, sometimes all at the same time. It is a weird way to live, as if your mind is running on the outside and your body is running on auto pilot. To tell the truth, I have lived like this most of my life. It shielded me through all of my pain, it helped me survive. And now that I have stepped back into my own shoes and started walking on my own again, I am lost and I am crashing even so.
There are times in life when we wish to simply disappear into the woodwork, to dissipate into nothing. And since this is molecularly impossible we therefore live through it, wounding as we do. These times have happened often in my lifetime.
There are the times you know about, Hank creating me to be the other women and then there's Grissom, to him I wasn't even worth the risk. But then again I wasn't worth anything from the day I was born. I was loathed and beaten from that day forth.
I never asked to live a life the way I do. I wish to erase all of my memories and my "minds filters"; I want everything to be gone. The only way to forget is to forget yourself, therefore not exist anymore.
I have spent many nights in the resolve of my nightmares, but more often, as of late, wishing I was the one abducted. The one to carry that scar because what is one more to my thousands. Nicky never deserved that, he's too good of a person. Besides he's been through so much already.
If I was the one buried alive, who would have cared if I died in there. Who would I have had to say goodbye to. Who would have taken care of my effects? Who would have cried at my funeral?
I wonder and I answer my own questions. Not liking them.
In this world, I am alone. Utterly, implacably alone. I am alone and I accept this fact, even though I hate it. I cry most nights, alone in my room, the four walls of my bedroom my only witness. Other nights I don't sleep at all, I sit up and write, or I think too much.
I think about what could be, what could have been. What will never be.