Disclaimer, I do not own Robert Burns or any of his works nor do I own Naruto. However, I do own Koko and Fi.
In taking a break from Pisses me off, I have decided to give you a little spin off to suffice until I can get the next chapter up. It was inspired by a Robert Burns poem called 'My Tocher's The Jewel' and a plot bunny showed up and I decided the idea was worthy enough for the likes of Koko.
Fi gets curious one day about how exactly Koko came to be a maid for the Akatsuki. Soon it is revealed that the old woman is much more intelligent than she already comes off as. Takes place before the portal incident (aka Jefafa and co.)
Akatsuki Headquarters
Fi stared at the looming pile of clothes needing to be fixed in front of her. Who knew that 9 criminals could cause so much damage to some of the most resistant cloth available? She gingerly picked up one and promptly dropped it when she saw it wasn't exactly clean. She looked for the name on it, trying not to touch it as much as possible. Finally, she found the tag that stated the name of whom she already expected. "Hidan-sama, why must his always be the most challenging?" Fi groaned aloud. She set it aside, leaving it to Koko Baa-Chan, the head maid.
The young maid's hands worked quickly to fix the small rips and tears of Uchiha Itachi's cloak and a ripped seam in Konan's. Tobi's was a bit difficult as he had ripped his while running and tripping, getting caught up in his own coat. He had been especially tearful and apologetic about it.
The hours passed before Koko entered the room with her walking stick for when the arthritis kicked up. "Are you done yet Fi-chan? I have more for you to do once you are finished with that. The east wing needs cleaning from Deidara-Sama and Sasori-Sama sparred spur of the moment." The elderly woman sniffed. "Shinobi, can't believe I married one in the first place." She huffed as she shuffled out. Fi looked around in confusion. Koko Baa-chan? Married to a shinobi?
"Koko-Baa-chan! Wait!" Fi stumbled as she got up and hurried after the old woman.
"What? I also have work to do." Koko snapped.
"Who were you married to?" FI asked, curiosity getting the best of her.
"That is none of your business, now get back to work." Koko continued on her way, thinking that was the last of it. But what Koko did not consider was the young woman's infamous persistence. Fi bugged Koko for the rest of the day and for the two days following that. Finally, Koko had had enough.
"Fi-chan, if you do not stop harassing me, I swear I'll offer you to Hidan along with his coat." Koko threatened.
"Then tell me and I will let you be, Koko baa-chan." Fi insisted while bowing. Koko's face twisted in frustration. If she told her, the maid would prove that Koko could be worn down eventually. But on the other hand, if she did not, then Fi would persist and she would lose a vital member of staff to Hidan's religious rituals.
"If you can fix Hidan's coat as close to perfectly as possible by the end of the week, I will tell you. If you cannot, you shut up about it for good." Koko instructed. Koko was certain that the coat could not be fixed within a few days. The damages were very close to the point of beyond repair. She smirked with satisfaction and hobbled off.
The next few days, Fi worked endlessly on the coat, pausing only to sleep, eat and complete her normal chores. The other servants watched in amusement and awe. They were also curious about their over-seer's past, and in order to do so, they had taken over many other jobs without Fi's consent.
Finally, the end of the week had arrived and so had Hidan's patience to its breaking point with waiting for his coat. Koko entered the sewing room and demanded to see it. Fi proudly held up the cloak. Koko snatched it and set to examining it for any flaws. She only found one error in the stitching. Other than that, it was nearly perfect. Koko scowled. She had not counted on this.
"So?" Fi pressed.
"Fine, fine. Take this to Hidan-sama before he throws another hissy-fit." Koko grumbled. Fi hurried took the coat and rushed out to Hidan's quarters. Koko sighed and sat in the chair. Fi rushed back in, face full of eagerness.
"It all started back when I was a young woman in Takigakure…" Koko started.
---
Takigakure, year ?
The young woman sat in front her parents, staring at them blankly. The room was silent other than the wind chimes outside. "W-what did you just say?" Koko stuttered in shock.
"I said, you are to be married. There are a considerable number of suitors already lined up." Her father said once more. It only makes sense, Koko thought to herself, because we are wealthy. Her father, Hashimaru, was an advisor to the leader of the village and was paid a considerable amount for his opinions.
"Do I have any say in this?" Koko asked, bitterness adding an edge to her voice.
"Do not take that disrespectful tone with me!" Her father roared. "You should be grateful that so many wish to be a husband to a beautiful young woman such as yourself!"
"They are only interested in the money! What is my dowry? Inheritance to our wealth?" Koko yelled back, tears starting to form.
"Silence! I will take no more disrespect from you. Get out of my sight!" Her father ordered angrily. Koko got up and rushed from the room, tears streaming down her cheeks.
Koko locked herself in her room for days, refusing food and company to any who wished to provide her with either. Then, one night, she sat up in bed with a plan. A plan to turn away any suitors that may wish to marry her. She quickly rose and got dressed before hurrying to her parents room.
She knocked on the door. "Come in." Her father's voice called.
"Father, I am sorry for my disrespect." Koko kneeled before her parents. "but if I am to take part in this, let me choose my dowry."
Her father listened to her suggestion. "I am grateful that you have apologized and accepted the situation my daughter, but as for this request…"
"Please father, it shall weed out any who wish to gain only your wealth." Koko pleaded.
"Fine. Dismissed."
--
The next day, Koko's father had gathered all the young men who expressed interest in marriage to his daughter. Koko accompanied him, recognizing many shinobi from the village in the room. Most were Chuunin or Jounin, there were a few Genin hanging in the back. "Men," Hashimaru addressed them. "You came here to find out the dowry for my daughter, and I will now tell you. If you do not find this acceptable, the door is there." He said solemnly.
The men muttered amongst themselves. They did not expect this.
"The dowry is a single, priceless jewel. There is no other like it in the world and will only be given to one person. But beware, it is fragile and will be destroyed at the first touch." He warned. A few men got up and left. What was a jewel worth if you could not touch it? A few other men understood and also got up and left. Half the men remained. "We will meet with you individually over the next months." He got up and left, followed by his daughter.
"Koko-sama, this is a cruel trick to play upon these men." Her maid hissed to her as she helped Koko out of her Kimono. "They are not intelligent enough to know exactly what you mean."
"That is the point." Koko smirked.
"Is that it?" Fi complained. Koko smirked.
"Exactly. Clean the hallway perfectly and I will tell you more of the story. Not a pebble out of place. Patch where Sasori has thrown Deidara smoothly. You have to the end of tomorrow."
Fi grumbled as she set about the task. Koko smirked, knowing it was nearly impossible to fix the hallway perfectly after Deidara and Sasori got into arguments. Many had just given up and cleaned up the rubble.
"Fi, what did she say?" Another maid sidled up and asked in a whisper. Fi relayed what she had been told. "Is that all?"
"Hai. She refuses to tell me anymore until this hallway is patched perfectly." Pretty soon, at least four other maids were cleaning up the hallway too. Fi had to tell each of them the story and make them swear never to tell anyone else. It was partially done by dinner. Fi worked alone through the night and finished very early in the morning. She fell asleep in the hallway and got stepped on by Tobi on his way to the bathroom.
Koko came out to inspect. She was amazed at what she saw. True to her word, she had Fi follow her back into the sewing room for the next part of the story.
Over the next few months, the list had been narrowed down to three men, all shinobi. Koko prided herself on the amount of time it took to chase each suitor off. Her record was five minutes so far. But what the young woman did not expect was a newcomer to the game she played with the situation.
"Let him in." Her Father ordered as the man was announced. Koko's sharp eyes watched from behind her hand fan as the suitor walked in. He wore a black cloak with a cowl and mask about his face. His headband showed he was also a shinobi. His oddly colored eyes suggested bloodline.
"Ah, Kakuzu. This is unexpected." Her father rose and greeted the man. Koko's eyes narrowed. A friend of her fathers no doubt. A Jounin at the least.
"Remove your cowl if you do not mind me asking." She voiced from her spot on next to her father's empty one. "For I wish to see a possible husband's face fully." Her voice was a bit harsh, from the anger of her father now bringing in his friends in desperation no doubt. She knew of Kakuzu. His greed was legendary as was his temper.
"Only if you allow me to see yours. I also wish to see my future wife's face fully." Kakuzu replied. Koko felt heat rise to her cheeks. How dare he speak to her that way! She glared at his from behind her fan.
"I shall leave you two to acquaint yourselves." Her father exited and slid the door shut behind him. The two stared at each other.
"So will you let me see your face, Koko-sama?" Kakuzu questioned.
"I believe I asked first, Kazuku-san." She replied coldly. Kakuzu ignored her.
"I hear that you have been heard to fraternizing with the Uchiha Clan." Koko changed subjects. "Such controversy would not be favorable upon my family if we were to wed."
"You would not understand, not being a shinobi. It is more complicated than you think." Kakuzu spoke, his voice a bit harder than he meant it to be.
"I am more intelligent than you think I am. Do not talk down to me as if I am an unintelligent child." Koko snapped. She was not liking this man and wished to be rid of him quickly. "You forget, I am the daughter of a top shinobi. I know more about politics than you would imagine. I am able to follow debates between leaders without confusion. Therefore, I demand that you do not assume you know of my level of intelligence Kakuzu-san."
Kakuzu chuckled. He liked her spirit. He liked her family's wealth more. "I'll tell you what Koko-sama, I admire your spirit. I shall show you my face, if only you allow me to be so privileged to see yours." Koko scowled. She would not allow this man to see her face. But her curiosity was getting the best of her and she consented.
Kakuzu removed his cowl and mask to reveal dark hair and fair skin with a few stitches running along his neck. He was fairly decent looking. "Your turn, Koko-sama." Kakuzu put his cowl and mask back on. Koko's face hardened as she snapped her fan closed and gave him an open glare. She allowed him a few moments to study her features before snapping it back open. "Now that was not so hard, was it?"
The door opened again as Hashimaru entered the room. "I trust everything has gone well. Thank you, Kakuzu. You may leave." Kakuzu rose and bowed before turning and leaving. As he left, he smirked under his cowl. He had made up his mind that both her and her money would belong to him shortly. Especially her money.
"Kakuzu-Sama?" Fi asked in amazement.
"I'm not done yet." Koko snapped. "There is much more to the story than that!"
"Will you tell me?" Fi asked.
"Once you have weeded the entire garden. Be sure that none of the plants are disturbed and that you pull up all roots of the weeds. Be certain that no blade of grass is left in the plot save for what's supposed to be growing. Also pick whatever is ripe. You have by the end of tonight. But sleep first. Tobi said he found you sleeping in the hall." Koko demanded.
Fi's face fell. The Akatsuki's garden was almost an acre. It took a lot to sustain 8 men, a woman and all their servants and underlings.
This time, no one could help her. They were assigned other tasks. Koko had suspected she was getting help and after all, that was against the rules of their agreement.
Fi ignored the order to sleep. She instead spent the entire day out in the garden. She paused only to eat and light a lamp when dusk fell to see the ripe crop to pick. Finally, she dragged the baskets back in, determined to hear the rest of the story. Koko surveyed her and the crop. 'How does this girl keep doing it?' Koko wondered.
"Koko baa-chan, I've completed the task." Fi bowed.
"Very well." Koko sighed.
Over the next weeks, her father insisted on bringing two suitors back. A Chuunin named Hiro and Kakuzu. Koko was not happy with this at all. Although Hiro was a very nice and sincere man, he smelled of the woods a bit too strongly, having come back from missions before immediately meeting with her. Kakuzu was a different story. Koko did not like him one bit. She found him to be egotistical and a bit too greedy for her liking. He had taken to removing his cowl and mask for most of their meetings and insisting on her putting away her fan. He had also begun gaining more stitches on various places of his body. Koko figured he was a slow healer. The only redeeming factor in her eyes was his ability to debate issues with her and hold his ground while doing it, unlike so many others who easily crumbled under her arguments.
But it was one night that she truly felt anything other than dislike for him thus far. They had been debating over the new issue of whether or not the Village should raise taxes to provide shinobi with better equipment. The council was torn on the decision.
"The equipment is fine. People like to complain so they can have new expensive weapons like Konoha. We cannot afford it. We need the money for back up in case anything should happen. It is foolish to waste it on an improved kunai when it can be done yourself for free." Kakuzu argued. They sat facing each other, with Koko sitting up properly and Kakuzu lounging.
"But the other villages are gaining advantages over the rest. Suna and Konoha being the biggest. Their weapons are things many of our shinobi have never seen and do not know how to fight them, thus resulting in the high number of casualties we have been experiencing lately." Koko argued back.
"Perhaps it is just because other shinobi are incompetent and should not have even been inducted as such." Kakuzu was getting a little pissed. This woman was trying his patience today. He had already killed the wrong person for a bounty and was not feeling well to boot.
"For someone who keeps getting injured enough for stitches, you sure have a big ego." Koko sniffed. That was it. Kakuzu snapped. He jumped up as thick black threads shot out from his sleeve and twisted around her throat, dragging her up. He was resisting the very strong urge to kill her. "Put me down." She said calmly, although her heart rate stated she was anything but calm.
"Why should I?" Kakuzu dragged her so that their faces were inches apart. "I could kill you right here and now."
"Because I know you won't." Koko replied.
"And why is that?" Kakuzu sneered.
"Because, if you kill me, you end your chances of gaining my family's money." She sneered back. "And we both know that is the only reason you are here. So what exactly are you telling my father you will give him in exchange for me? Love? Protection? Stability?"
Kakuzu growled. She had a point. He released her and she massaged her throat, gasping for air and extremely shaken. Kakuzu stormed out of the room. It was then Koko had no doubt in her mind that her choice was definitely Hiro. Even if he smelled bad.
Kakuzu left the house despite the protests of the servants. He threw his cowl back on as he left the property. That bitch! How dare she question his abilities. But it wasn't as if he could tell her why he had all these stitches. He reminded himself why he was even doing this. She had beauty, brains and Money. Lots of Money. And also that dowry. He had never heard of such a fragile jewel. He was curious to find out what it was and how much he could sell it for. As he walked through the dark streets of town, he came across a man he had always hated in the academy and promptly killed him. He felt a bit better after that. Then he felt even better when he remembered that Suna had placed a bounty on the man. He grinned as he set off for Suna.
---
Hashimaru had hurried in when he heard Kakuzu had left in anger. "What did you do? You may have just ruined your chances at finding a good husband! Kakuzu can provide you with so much!" Her father raged.
"I have decided Father." Koko replied calmly. "My mind is set on which of the two I wish to marry."
Hashimaru stopped, taken aback at her sudden decision. "You have my daughter? Very well then. Tell me."
"I choose Hiro, father." Koko answered, her voice made it clear she had made up her mind firmly.
"Hiro? Why? He is but a Chuunin. Kakuzu is a Jounin and is very well respected." Her father tried to reason.
"Hiro may be a Chuunin, but he is sincere and has a bright future ahead of him. Whereas Kakuzu is concerned for only his money, is egotistical and has relations with people that may or may not cause problems for you in the long run." Koko fanned herself lightly with the hand fan. Hashimaru nodded, not at all agreeing but rather respecting her decision.
"Very well. We will send for Hiro in the morning and start preparations immediately. Dismissed."
"What? Then how did you end up here if you decided to marry Hiro-san?" Fi asked.
"I'm not done yet!" Koko said briskly.
"What is my next task?" Fi asked glumly.
"You must clean Kisame's bathroom, Deidara's bedroom and Sasori's closet." Koko said. Fi recoiled. Was she serious? Who knew what horrors lurked in each those places? "I'm giving you until the end of tomorrow. Now sleep!" Koko left for her quarters. No one knew exactly where the woman slept. After she left, the other maids snuck in and eagerly listened as Fi relayed the story.
Yupp, you got a few parts of the story. Hope you enjoy this. Reviews let me know whether or not to bother continuing with this spin-off... The next chapter or PMO should be up soon, so worry not!