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I knew it was wrong, falling for Rose. But she simply was irresistible. I knew that if I acted on my emotions, my feelings toward her, it would be the end of both of us. I would be fired, my hard earned reputation would be ruined, my past soiled by the mistake of my present, leaving me with a grim future as a cast out guardian. Rose would be left with nothing, not even a glorified past.
I was her mentor, she was my student, and that should have been the end of the story.
But it wasn't.
I didn't know why I stood up for her in Kirova's office, offering my skills as a mentor so that Rose wouldn't flunk out. Why should I, Dimitri Belikov save the disgraced reputation Rose had as a novice, when I didn't even know the girl.
I don't know why I stayed her mentor even when I developed feelings for her.
I don't know why I let the lust charm go, let everyone believe that she attacked me, when I laid in bed every night thinking of the touch of her skin. It was wrong.
I don't know why I kissed her back in the practice room when Tasha had given me her offer, why I denied that offer, instead to offer Rose my undying love, which she accepted with all her heart.
I don't know why I let the cabin happen.
The best thing I'd ever done was tell her that my love had faded, even when I know damn well it's the opposite. I only did it to protect her, when I'd already done so much wrong by loving her anyway.
I don't know why I let myself love her, when the past has only showed me anguish when I allowed myself to love. Guess what? History is repeating itself.
"Dimitri, Dimitri!" squealed Elizaveta as she threw her arms around me. My best friend and lover of two years seemed especially happy today. I felt the need to say so.
"Happy today Eli?" I laughed as she squealed again.
"Oh, Dimitri, can you believe it? We actually get to guard together, and not only do we get to guard together, but we get to guard a royal, Ivan Zeklos, and even better he'll be at court so we get to see each other and I think this is the best thing that's ever happened to us and " her little speech just got faster as she spoke. I put my hands up in a slow down motion.
She was beaming. I loved it when she smiled like that. Sometimes her smiles were the only thing that got me through the day. That, and the thought of running my hands through her rich, long, brown hair. I smiled, saying, "Slow down a little Eli. You know I'm happy too right? But remember we have to take this seriously. His life is in our hands now. We "
"Oh Dimitri, must you always be so serious? Must I always be the fun one? I mean really, loosen up, joke around, be a little sarcastic once in a while will ya?" Her tone was stern but her eyes were laughing. She really was the carefree one, and I loved that about her; I always had. High school sweet hearts, we were complete opposites and made a perfect whole. I knew she loved how dedicated I was to being a guardian, no matter how much she preached to me about the merits of fooling around.
"I think you're carefree enough for the both of us."
"That is true." She then proceeded to run out into the Siberian rain, skipping and twirling with her tongue out to catch the drops.
"Come! Join me in celebrating out new guardian life together!" She yelled through the downpour.
"Are you crazy? This is how you want to celebrate? By frolicking in puddles why our charge waits upstairs?" I yelled back.
"Why not?" She laughed, her exotic princess eyes dancing. She beckoned with a finger and I had no choice but to rush to her side to comply. I picked her up in my arms and twirled her around, letting true happiness fill me with the thought of spending my life fighting beside this beautiful girl.
Suddenly I tripped with Eli still gathered in my arms. I cushioned her head with my hand so she wouldn't hit the cobblestone street. I found my entire body running the length of hers, every part of me pressed to every part of her. Her eyes must have mirrored my own, for they were full of love. I leaned my head down and pressed my lips to hers. Love. Pure love. I never wanted this to end; unfortunately there is no such thing as forever.
Five Years Later
"I love you."
"I love you too" Eli said as she looked up at me. Ivan was nestled safely in a court apartment, and my love and I took the short five minutes we had to hold each other beneath the court's stars.
"You know I would do anything to protect you, right?" I said. I had been plagued with nightmares of losing her, not to a Strigoi, but to myself. I couldn't make sense of it, so I had to say this out loud to her, to hear reassurance.
She gave me a look. I pressed on. "You know that I'd never abandon you, right? That I would throw myself in front of you as well as Ivan?"
"Of course I know that Dimitri. You're a great man, a great guardian; I'll never doubt your ability to protect me. Not that I need protection." She nestled her head beneath my chin, held me closer.
"Yeah, you're right, you're right." I had the terrible suspicion she was wrong.
"Dimitri, come on! Ivan wants to get to the summer house before night falls. Quite frankly, so do I!" Eli yelled up to me impatiently.
"I'm coming, just give me a minute!" Ivan had a summer home that was three hours away. So was dusk. And, seeing as how Elizaveta and I would be the only guardians protecting Ivan on this little two week trip, Eli had every reason to be nervous. In fact, I was actually nervous. Usually I was quite sure of myself, even cocky, but I had a gut feeling something was about to happen. I hate those feelings. Usually they involve Strigoi and life changing(or ending) events. I brushed off my melancholy and went down stairs, guardian mask in place.
Eli looked at me with a cold look. She had given me one of those three weeks back after our fight, a quite stupid matter actually, and those looks had become common place. Neither of us were over that fight, but I had ceased to flinch when she looked at me that way. She was in one of her 'I'm Head Bitch' moods; they were kinda like hurricanes strong and scary while there but they pass over shortly.
"I'm driving" she said.
"Ok" I conceded.
The three hour drive to the house was completely silent except for a few of Ivan's idle pratterings that I really didn't care that much about. We arrived just before dusk, and I could hear Eli breathing out a sigh of relief. So did I. We did our usual scouting and declared the house safe. Ivan went to bed. I watched the front exit, Eli watched the back exit. The night went smoothly and normally, up until about one in the morning.
Eli came up to me front behind. I didn't start, I knew she was there. I always knew when she was there, a light, calming presence amidst all the darkness of the world, even when she was in a pissy mood.
But I had to shoot her a dark look. "What are you doing? I don't know if you have noticed, but it's still dark out, therefore, danger still lurks."
"Oh stop it will you? I don't need your serious crap. No one is coming for Ivan, its not like he's that important. Besides, this is not an area majorly populated by Strigoi, therefore we can afford a little rest." She grumbled.
I looked at her, shocked. "How can you say that? We're guardians, this is what we do. Get back to your post."
"Come on Dimitri, you usually let loosen up a little when we have shifts together. Why is this one any different?" She quirked an eyebrow at me. I started to regret teaching her that.
"Because Eli oh never mind. I'll never get through to you. Take your rest, I'll watch for both of us." I turned away from her, angrier than I'd been in a long time. The fight had seeped into every part of our lives, even our sworn duty. Now it was a stupid petty match, but Ivan shouldn't have to suffer for it. Yet he did.
But Eli pushed me further. "Fine Dimitri, if you don't like my guarding techniques, maybe you should just leave. Go on, go ahead, leave. Then come back in the morning and I'll guarantee we'll both still be alive. There, that should solve this fight!" she said angrily.
"Fine then!" I yelled. I then did the stupidest thing I'd ever done in my life. I left her alone to guard Ivan.
I drove for a long time, seething. I was so angry at her so angry then I realized with horror what I'd done. I'd left my post, not just over the span of a house floor, but in highway miles. I drove like a madman back to the house, only to find that my worst nightmare had come true.
Entering the yard, I immediately sensed something was wrong. The door was open a crack, and the lights were off inside. I turned them on to find the living room clean and put together. Not a pillow out of place. I went to the back of the house, but Elizaveta wasn't at her post. I assumed she went upstairs, and resumed my cautious prowl of the house. I climbed the stairs, made my way to Ivan's room. What was inside will be burned into my mind forever.
Ivan, sprawled on his bed, eyes wide, gaping at the ceiling, lying in a pool of his own blood. Worse, I saw a booted foot on the other side of the bed, on the floor. I walked over slowly, horror paralyzing my body. I saw a slim calf, a toned thigh, a small waist, thin torso, and then her face. Eli looked up at me with blood pouring out of her chest, as well as her mouth. Her fingers beckoned as they had done so many times before.
I collapsed to her side, tears falling freely, sobs ripping themselves from my chest. "Elizaveta, oh my Eli!" I sobbed as I held her in my arms, barely felt her wheezing breath upon my cheek.
"I love y " Her last words faded off at the end, and with her final breath, the love of my life died in my arms. And it was all my fault.
As I remembered, I knew I was lying to myself. I knew why I let myself love Rose. She was my second chance with Eli; she was so much like her it hurt, but I couldn't let my feelings go. And then, when more feelings for Rose herself, not just Rose as Eli developed, I knew there was no going back. I'd loved Eli, but I'd die for Rose.
And that is why I had to leave her before I could hurt her even more. I'd turned on Eli, and I'd turned on Rose as a Strigoi. I'd hurt Elizaveta, abandoned her, and it had led to her dying in my arms. If I didn't leave Rose now, I'd only abandon her later, and then for the second time in my life, the woman I loved would die because of me. Especially now, she'd die because the world didn't trust me.
My twisted logic said that if I didn't leave her now, I'd leave her in a moment of weakness later when the Strigoi part of me came back. My sending her away from me would protect her in the future when she'll have a more worthy guardian to watch her back.
Oh Rose, I wish it could be different. I wish I could trust myself to protect you, to save you, to love you. But it can't be. I can't let myself be the reason for your death, in whatever form I turn on you.
Oh Rose, I love you.
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