Again
I do not own these characters, NBC and Dick Wolf do.
It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep again. Funny thing is, I can't remember the last time I slept through the night, it seems like it's been months. I gave up staring at the ceiling and hoping to go back to sleep weeks ago, realizing it only made me more frustrated. So, I slip out of bed and go make myself some tea, then sit in my favorite chair in the living room and watch the street below. I can barely make out the shadowy figures until dawn breaks but I struggle to focus anyway, because this is my city and I love to watch it wake up.
I have learned to covet these quiet mornings as of late because I realize that this is probably the only time during the day that I am alone with my thoughts. Soon I will be at work thinking aloud with my team, discussing another grisly case committed against another innocent soul. Sobering thought, I reflect, and then my mind wanders back to the subject I have been mulling over these last few weeks... me. I hate to admit that I have spent so much time being selfish but I tell myself that I am just doing what others have told me to do for years in order to keep my sanity. I have allowed this rare indulgence lately because I fear if I do not, I will slowly lose control and that thought frightens me to the core.
I am wondering if the thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing during these restless months is what it feels like to have a "mid-life crisis." I mean, hell, I already bought the car this last year, my baby, a black Mustang convertible. It was a pure impulse buy and I have no idea what came over me but I had to have it. Now all I need to do to complete the cliché is to go out and find a 25 year old mate. I laugh at that thought and focus back on the fact that I have sat in this chair examining my life and wondering about the decisions I have made thus far. That's part of the "crisis," too, right? Looking back on your life and wondering if you have found any meaning in it? The only thing I have figured out for sure in these last few weeks is that I am glad I became a detective for Special Victims. This job has defined me, for better and sometimes for worse, but I am grateful for the significance it has brought me.
I think what has made me so sleep deprived, is thinking about my personal life. I have kept that side of me private and hidden from my friends and co-workers, mostly because I don't have one. Don't get me wrong, I go out with people and I enjoy myself in social settings but I never thought I would be in my 40's without having truly shared my life with someone else. When I started my career as a beat cop, it was just too complicated to find a date and that was fine. I threw myself into my work and because of that, I became a detective and that was my goal, so I never looked back. It is only recently that I have begun to question myself about this particular decision, as I sit and ponder on my life and opportunities missed.
I feel like my first missed chance came when I met, Karen Fitzgerald. She was an ADA and we ran into each other over and over at the courthouse during my early years with SVU. We would stop and talk in the corridors from time to time and that soon led to occasional drinks. I found that I enjoyed her company; she was sweet and funny and it was so refreshing to be with someone who understood the demands of the job. I wasn't even sure she was gay until she kissed me one night when I walked her home. It was a gentle kiss and I was excited to see where it might lead, so I asked her for a proper date the following weekend. Sadly, it would never come to pass because a call Elliott and I took a few days later found her dead in Central Park. She was murdered by a sick bastard named, Richard White. I was visibly shaken when her name was revealed that fateful day and it was the first time I think, Elliot, had any inkling I was gay, although we have still never spoken about it. I went home that night and cried for the loss of such a gentle soul and grieved over what might have been. Little did I know that this event was only preparing me for what lay ahead.
Her name was, Alex Cabot; Assistant District Attorney, Alexandra Cabot. She was assigned to our unit and was, well still is, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She is tall and lean, with the most striking blue eyes. When she introduced herself to me, with that soothing, husky voice, I thought, "Damn. I am in trouble," She was intelligent and passionate about the law, although many said it was more condescending and sarcastic. Not me, I couldn't see her that way. I went out of my way to be more patient with her because I sensed she knew she wasn't well liked and at the time, it was true. I was just about to abandon my initial assessment of her when we caught the Sam Cavanaugh case. That trial broke her shell and she revealed to everyone the Alex Cabot I knew was there all along. She cared; she cared so much it nearly cost her job. From that point on, she became one of us and I became infatuated with this gorgeous creature.
Not only did, Alex, soften toward the entire squad during this time, but it felt like toward me in particular. We talked more about casual things as well as the case. She studied me more closely and listened to me more intently. The night that I pulled her away from Sam's mother's wrath over what had happened to her son, I swear I felt her hold onto me tightly before I let her go. She asked me to drinks after the case and her suspension were over, and she poured her heart out to me about her sadness over Sam's actions, his mother's grief, and the decisions she both made and didn't make. She asked about my most difficult case and how I handled it. It was the most honest conversation we had ever had, not to mention the longest. From there, we started to spend more time together; dinners, lunches, coffee, drinks; you name it, we did it. The more time we spent together, the more comfortable we became with each other. Subtle flirting began and I was sure I was imagining it until it became blatant flirting when no one else was around. Our looks became more languid and brushes of the hand or arm became touching.
One night, we decided to watch a movie at her place and it was one of those movies that had everyone arguing about its meaning. I am not sure what either of us was thinking watching it together because the credits were barely rolling and we were already in a heated debate. We were known for our "disagreements" and I was already getting the all too familiar eye roll and frustrated sigh. Yes, it did drive me nuts but that night, instead of firing back at her, I reached my arm over, grabbed the back of her neck, drew her forward and kissed her. I couldn't believe I had done it, either and she sat there dumbstruck and silent for a few seconds.
"You kissed me," she said quietly.
"Um… yes. I did," I say, trying to play it cool while I caught my breath.
"But, you kissed me," she says again.
"I am sorry. Should I not have?" I ask sheepishly, hoping that I am reading her face correctly.
"No," she says. My heart sinks and I swallow hard. "I mean… you finally kissed me," her face is soft and she is clearly not disgusted or upset by the gesture.
I shake my head and say, "I think we have established that I kissed you, Counselor." I pause, "Wait... finally? Did you just say finally?"
"Yes. I guess I always thought I would be the one to make the first move," she says as she smiles softly and rests her eyes on me.
"Well, do you want to be the one who makes the second move?" I say coyly.
Her lips curve into what I now know is a seductive smile and she stares at my lips as she leans in to make the second and then third move.
I leave that night feeling like my mouth is bruised and with a smile I cannot wipe away.
From there we became inseparable. We spent every bit of what little free time we had together. I do everything I can to see her during work, as well, because the only thing that quiets my mind from constant thoughts of her, is laying eyes on her. The smiles of relief I see on her face when these moments arrive, let me know she feels the same. If I thought I was infatuated with her before, then I slowly realize I am falling in love with her. After a late dinner one night, I finally decide to stop fighting with myself and tell her how I feel. I swallow my fear and begin:
"Alex, can I ask you something?"
"Sure. You can ask me anything, Liv," she says through a stifled yawn.
"How do you… What do you… I …. " I stop and sigh in frustration, flashing her an apologetic look.
She smiles and says, "What's the matter, sweetheart? Can't find the words to tell me you love me?"
My mouth drops open and I stare at her in disbelief that she read me so well. She is looking at me with contentment in her eyes and continues with her easy smile. She looks a little cocky, too, having just nailed me on my indecision but I don't mind, it is something that I find more endearing than conceited.
She then reaches up to cup my cheek and says, "Well, I love you, too, Liv," and she kisses me.
This would be the first of many nights that our love making was interrupted by one job or the other. In the days that followed, it would have been funny if it hadn't been so fucking frustrating. After a particularly heated, yet unfinished encounter, Alex, decided that was enough and declared the next weekend off limits to everyone else. Reservations were made, bosses were informed, and come hell or high water, we were going away together. My only thought was that I couldn't wait to spend the entire weekend exploring every inch of her body.
Fate was not our friend that week as we caught an especially brutal case of an undercover agent who had been murdered. As the evidence was uncovered, the case became increasingly more difficult as her death was linked to a powerful drug cartel lead by a man named Velez. Alex and I saw our opportunity dwindling and by the time the Feds were involved, we had given up on our time away. What no one saw coming was the fact that Alex's stubborn and combative nature had landed her in the cross hairs of Velez's cartel. The Feds were concerned for her safety but Alex continued her pursuit of the case. When one of the Federal Agents was murdered in front of us, the D.A. told Alex to drop the case and having no other choice, she acquiesced. We all went out for drinks that night to commiserate with our fearless ADA but she seemed defeated. While we all tried to cheer her up, I thought about calling the hotel later and reinstating our previous reservation in hopes this would take her mind off of the injustice. As we left the bar that night, it happened…
As Alex and I were playing out our well rehearsed ruse for whoever was in our company at the time, shots rang out and I felt a familiar tackle to the ground as, Elliot, tried to shield me from the gunfire. He immediately got up and started to run after the SUV and I thought about joining him for a split second before I realized I couldn't feel, Alex, near me. I looked over to see her body lying lifeless on the sidewalk, blood pooling around her right shoulder. I hear myself say:
"No. No. No. No, Alex, Alex."
I go over to her and tell her it is going to be OK and to stay with me. I am in shock as I watch the blood seeping between my fingers and I feel like I can't even begin to stop it. As I look down at, Alex, I am having flashes of Karen as I stare at her still body. "Oh God, not again, Please, not again," I think. I travel with her in the ambulance and talk to her the whole time. I am holding her hand and telling her that she can't go, that she can't leave me. I tell her I love her and to please hang on for me, for us. I don't even remember anything that happened before I heard the Doctor say that she was dead. After that, I felt a familiar hand on my back and a body lean into me as I folded into a strong chest that I knew to be, Elliot. He took me home and I sat in the darkness and thought, "How could this happen again? Why? Is it me? Have I done something wrong? Oh God, why would you do this again? Why?"
The days that followed were a haze until I found myself at my desk, mentally preparing for Alex's funeral that was to be the next day. My cell rang and I answered it. It was the hotel calling to say that they had a cancellation and that they could indeed accommodate us this coming weekend. The reservationist said, "Ms. Cabot's cell has been disconnected and she left this number as an alternate." I heard myself say that we wouldn't be able to come and hung up the phone. Apparently Alex had the same idea to get away after the case had ended so unjustly. My mind froze when I realized that this must have been one of her last thoughts and the pain in my heart was so great that I ran to the bathroom to throw up. I came back to my desk just as the Captain was telling Elliot and I to meet the Feds at a remote location. I knew I couldn't say, "No," so I sat in silence until we arrived.
I got out of the car and ignored whatever Agent Hammond was saying. He was a bitter man that I had no desire to deal with at the moment. I turned my focus to the door of the SUV he was opening and then, she appeared. Alex Cabot was alive and I felt my work tilt on its end.
Conversations were going on around me as my mind was reeling. I started to piece together that she was going into Witness Protection and I could only think of one thing: "How long?" I heard myself say this aloud and wasn't surprised to hear the words choke out as I fought back tears. I saw my pain reflected in her eyes as she shrugged her answer; her tears having gotten the best of her. I sat there staring at her face, trying to memorize it, not knowing if I would ever see her again. Before I knew it, she was gone. I didn't even get a chance to really say good-bye or even hold her one last time. As I watched that black SUV drive away with every piece of my heart, I shut down.
Once again, I threw myself back into work because it was the only thing I was certain of. I built walls around my heart, blocking out anyone who wanted to get close because I was there when Karen died and felt responsible for what happened to, Alex. If only I had told her to back down, told her sooner that it wasn't worth the fight and to let this go, she would be with me now.
Days rolled into months and I had realized not long after Alex had left, that she might very well be the love of my life. No one could compare to her, not that I was letting anyone try but I knew it was futile. During this time, I lived under the illusion that I shouldn't be with women anymore since something bad seemed to happen, so the dates I did go on were with men. Obviously, my heart was never in it because it would forever be with Alex. The thing is, I didn't know where she was, I could only feel the hole in my heart where she used to be.
Fate dealt a hand shortly after my realization about, Alex that returned her to NYC. She came back to testify for the murder trial of the man who shot her, Liam Connors. As ADA Casey Novak explained the ramifications of Elliot and I's actions in court a few days earlier, arresting Liam Connors for a murder he didn't commit, she looked up into her doorway to explain our defense strategy and there she was, a breath of fresh air that I so desperately needed. The blow to this fateful reunion was that I was too wounded to let Alex in for the short time she was with me. I wanted to fold into her again and pretend this absence never happened but my heart could not bear the thought of loving her and losing her again. I saw these same emotions play out in her eyes as she told me about her time in Wisconsin and the man she was seeing. I couldn't even be hurt by her revelation, knowing more than I let on about the void she was trying to fill. I only hoped that somewhere deep within, she had come to the same realization that I had; that she would forever love me, too. That night was the first night I could remember that we slept in the same room without sleeping in the same space. I could not bear to be near her again and give myself any hope of having her stay. I wanted desperately to grasp on to something that would bring us together again but there was nothing. Fortune was not in our control and I think we both spent a sleepless night wanting more. After Alex handed Liam Connors his ass in court, I started to drop my defenses as I watched with awe at her performance on the stand. Alex was just as fearless as ever and I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I had hoped to pull her aside at the celebration in Casey's office later but before I knew it, she was gone again.
It's funny how the Universe has a way of making you deal with things, even when you aren't ready to. A few years after Alex's day in court, the squad had caught a particularly sticky case of a Doctor who was molesting his underage patients. The whole team was called to secure the crime scene due to the already high profile case, and just as Munch and the rest of us were cracking on the fact that we had to wait for the "overzealous" ADA Graylick, Fin looked up and said, "That's not Graylick," and sure enough, he was right. Alex Cabot came strolling up with the Captain with that subtle smile that always left me weak in the knees and simply said, "What have we got?"
I sat there slack jawed and tried my best not to cry. I wasn't sure if I was trying not to cry because I was so happy to see her, or because I was angry at her for not contacting me after she was released from WITSEC, or the fact that she didn't even tell any of us she was coming back to our Unit. I secretly seethed during our first few minutes together, especially when she provided no good excuse for her unresponsiveness to our calls. The more she, Elliot, and I stood at the crime scene, the angrier I became. I was incensed but could smell her perfume, the same perfume she always wore. It left me feeling heady and I was so glad to get out in the open air. That scent was smothering me inside as thoughts of what we used to be flooded back and I couldn't concentrate. Flashes of her skin and lips invaded my every thought and I felt like if we didn't leave the scene, I was going to pass out.
I avoided, Alex, as much as I could for as long as I could after that day. God love her, she is nothing if not persistent. She started to break me down by just keeping me as engaged as possible in every conversation we had. Then she started asking me to lunch, dinner, drinks, whatever she could think of. She took every, "No" as a personal mission to change the answer and when she didn't after weeks of trying, she stopped playing the game and started a fight.
After one long, particularly difficult day, I was walking up to my apartment and found her there waiting for me. I silently gasped because she looked so beautiful standing there. I couldn't let on, though, so I managed to say:
"Alex, what are you doing here?" I tried my best to filter out my anger. It didn't work, I saw her bristle.
"I need to talk to you. No, scratch that, I need you to talk to me," she says. She seemed a mixture of both angry and vulnerable.
"Please, Alex, I can't. Not tonight. Can we try another time?" I ask, almost plead.
"Normally, I would say, "Yes," but you haven't wanted to see me since I got back and there are things we need to discuss," she states in a matter of fact tone.
"Oh, really? That's rich. I called you after you left WITSEC to "discuss things" and you never returned my calls. Now you are mad at me for doing the same thing? Nice try, Counselor." I say, with all the venom I can muster.
"Can we please have this conversation in your apartment and not out in the hallway? Can you at least give me that courtesy?" She lowers her voice and I relent.
Once inside, Alex, continues:
"Olivia. I know you are mad at me and I have a pretty good idea why but can you please listen. Just listen like you used to, with an open mind… for me? Please?"
I drop my head and I can feel my walls cracking. I don't want them to but I swear I can't help it. Her face is soft and her eyes are fixed on me. She is staring at me with the eyes of the woman who admitted her mistakes in the Cavanugh case, the woman who I fell in love with over 10 years ago. Flashes of those early days invade my thoughts and I look back up and say, "Go ahead."
"I'm sorry. I am so sorry for not calling you after I was released from the Program. There is so much to say about what happened after I last saw you but suffice it to say, I didn't call you back because I was scared; terrified…."
I stop her short, "Of what? What scared you about coming home?"
"You live every day with the thought that you might get shot on the job. I never did. I anticipated empty threats by perverts and rapists being hauled off to jail after they were convicted because I did my job correctly but never of being shot. I never saw losing my life as I knew it as part of the equation." Her tone was even but stern.
"You seemed fine at the Connors trial. Why didn't you say something then?" I say, confused and still angry.
"Are you kidding? I came back with a protective detail! I was flanked by people 24/7. I knew I would be safe with everyone watching out for me, with you staying with me that night. I had never felt safer than I did during those few days. Prior to that, I lived in constant fear from the moment I entered the program."
"You still could have come back! I would have protected you," she stops me cold right there and raises her voice again.
"And how fair would that have been to you, Olivia? How fair would it have been for you to pick up the pieces of my broken life and put me back together? You can't protect me from everything, but I knew that you would try to. I knew that you would give everything you could to help me and I couldn't ask you to do that. I didn't want you to give up so much for me. I would have hated myself for that and I just knew, that maybe someday, you would hate me for it, too," she finishes and I see her lightly shaking.
The room is silent and the air is thick. I am having trouble breathing and I see her chest heaving, too. She tries to say a parting thought on what is almost a whisper:
"I will let you go. I am sorry I yelled. I'm sorry… I…. Good night." She starts to leave and then stops. I look up and realize it is because I have grabbed her arm. I stare at it for a long minute and then look up into her face. There are tears streaming down her cheeks.
"I could never hate you, Alex. Never."
"Don't. Don't do this, Liv. I.. I can't… I don't deserve… I hurt you. I'm sorry. Please, let me go." She is facing away from me and I see her wiping her face.
I reach up to brush the other cheek free of tears and she tries to pull away. I tighten my grip.
"Please, let me go, Olivia." Her voice is pleading and the tears are coming hard and fast.
"What if I can't," I whisper and my own tears start to form.
She turns and stares at me, "I don't expect you to forgive me. That isn't why I came. I just wanted you to know…."
"What if I can't help it? What if I can't help but forgive you?" I ask and my heart aches.
There it is. There is the absolute truth; I can't help myself when it comes to, Alex Cabot. I love her and I always will.
"Olivia, I …" she stops talking and it is because I am kissing her.
We spend what seems like hours kissing until I take her into my arms and carry her to my bed. I waited 10 long years to finally make love to her uninterrupted and I have to say, it was well worth the wait.
We spend the next several months taking our relationship slow. We talked about the past hurts of WITSEC and the silence between us that followed. I told her about my time undercover with the FBI and Sealview. We shared everything, just like we used to and slowly but surely, we became the couple from years passed before that near fatal missed chance.
Just as we were settling in to our new, yet, familiar life together, a case hit Alex particularly hard. A woman from Africa had been a reluctant witness to a rape. As the case unfolded and our victim died, it became urgent that we find this woman and we did. She told, Alex, about the systematic rape of the woman in her village, of her own savage rapes and the loss of her daughter to the senseless violence. I have never seen, Alex, so affected by a case in my life. Her desire to help grew exponentially when the woman was being deported and sent back to the hell she had once known. Elliot and I caught up to our former witness and it was from her that I learned my Alex had signed on to a special task force to help other women in need overseas. I was stunned at first and it stung further when Alex didn't tell me more on the steps of the courthouse the day Elliot and I confronted her. When I got home, I got the whole story:
"Before you get mad," she says, "Please hear me out. You know how much this case affected me. I just can't sit idly by knowing that I can help more women like Nardalie get the justice they would otherwise evade. I know I should have talked to you first, I know that, but when I went to inquire about what it would take to join the taskforce, I found myself so moved by the stories I heard, that I signed up before I knew what I had done. I couldn't tell you when I saw you with, Elliot, because…"
I stop her there. I know all of this. I know why she did it. I saw the strain on her face and the toll her soul took during this trial. I know she couldn't say anything to me in front of, Elliot, because we haven't announced our relationship to anyone. I know that her passion for justice wouldn't let her sit on her hands and not try and help more innocent women from these savage acts. I know all this and what kind of lover would I be if I held this all against her and told her to stay for me and for my selfish reasons. That thought makes me start to cry because I DO want to be selfish. I want her to stay. I need her to stay.
She comes to me and wraps her arms around me. "Please, please, don't be mad and shut me out again. I can't do this without you. I know I can't take you with me but if I leave knowing that I have nothing to come back to…." I pull away and put a finger to her lips.
"Don't. Don't finish that sentence, Alex. You should go. I don't want you to, I want you here with me always but you can't fight this fight from here and I have seen it all over you that you want this. You can win, too, for all the women who have no strength left. I love you and I won't stand in your way. I love you too much to do that."
Alex is stunned into silence and she is searching my face. I start to softly laugh through my tears. She looks at me confused.
"I'm sorry but you're speechless and it just isn't something that I am used to seeing," I say, still laughing in this tender moment.
She smiles through her tears and says, "Didn't you know? You always leave me speechless; I just usually hide it better." She kisses me and holds me tight. She keeps whispering, "Thank you," over and over and we spend the night in each other's arms knowing that she will be gone soon.
In the weeks that follow, Alex prepares for her trip and I memorize her every move so I can carry her with me while she is gone. At night when I am home, I fight to find the words that are buried deep within. I wanted Alex to go away knowing that she will come back to me waiting for her. Somehow, it seemed like there needed to be more said, though, but I struggled to find the words.
This is the moment I play over and over in my head every morning that I can't sleep. I knew the moment I met her that I would fall in love with her. I knew the moment she finished my sentence about my love for her, that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. That was the part I could never get out, though. I could never say it out loud. I realize that not telling her was my biggest missed opportunity, my biggest regret.
The day I dropped her at the airport for her flight to Africa, I had wanted to ask her to marry me but that would have been so unfair. I should have said something long before then because it would have only seemed like a ploy to get her to stay and that was so not the reason. So I stayed silent as I kissed her and hugged her good bye. I vowed as I watched her blow a kiss to me from the security line that I would tell her what I couldn't find the words to then, the next time she was home.
As I am finishing this last thought, relieved to have finally put to rest the jumbled thoughts from my head, there was a noise outside my door. I dismiss it at first because I am sure it is an early rising neighbor. But the noise persists and I wait and listen. I start to get up as I hear a light scratching and I remain calm as I look through the peep hole. I pull back and unlock the door.
"What.. again?" I say, my lips curving into a big smile.
"No! Wait! I have it! I didn't lose it again. I think the key just fell into the bottom of my carry on and it is just too big to dig..." Alex quits talking and falls in to me. She dropped her carry on, her luggage and whatever else she had in her arms and is holding on to me for dear life. I hug her close and breathe in. Her scent floods me with emotions and I pull her in tighter. We stand there for a few minutes then we slowly release each other.
"I am so glad you are up. I have so much to tell you about since my last e-mail," she starts grabbing her things off the ground so that we can close the door and give each other a proper hello.
I am drinking her in with my eyes as I say, "I have so much to tell you, too. Would you mind if I went first?" She smiles curiously and I push her bag aside and close the door.
No more sleepless nights for me. No more mulling over opportunities missed. Alex Cabot said, "Yes" before I even finished my question and I laugh to myself thinking just like before, she probably already knew what I was going to say before I did.