"Carpe Diem" by Amy Sithens

She still felt awful about what she had done. Even though she'd done it to protect hundreds of thousands of lives, she couldn't get the picture of Cassandra's face out of her mind. The child had been confused and scared and not really sure what was going on, and Sam couldn't even find any words to comfort her. How could she comfort the child when she was the one who was taking her down to that cold dark room to die?

Sam thought she would never get over the feeling she had when she had left the little girl inside the missile silo. One minute she was forcing herself into the elevator, and then the next minute she was waiting and praying that she and the child wouldn't die...that her instincts had been correct. Well her instincts had been correct, and today Cassie was beginning a new life with Janet Frasier as her adopted daughter.

There was going to be a celebratory party for the two of them tonight...in about two hours, but Sam didn't think she could force herself to go. She felt too guilty to go, because taking the child to that awful place to die was something she couldn't forgive herself for. It was something she didn't deserve forgiveness for from anyone, especially Cassie.

Colonel Jack O'Neill sat by the telephone trying to decide whether or not to call in 2iC. He had been sitting there with the same thoughts for the past half hour. Should he try and coerce Sam into going to the party? Should he make it an order if she refused? And he was fairly certain she would refuse. At lunch that day in front of her team Daniel had asked Sam if she was bringing a gift, and Sam had said she didn't think she could go, putting the blame on a report that she said needed her attention. Jack knew Sam worked overtime quite a lot, but he also knew a lie when he heard it.

He felt sorry for the poor kid, who had grown attached to the pretty blonde Captain, and now the Captain wouldn't spend time with her. Cassie was confused and hurt, and it made Jack angry that Sam would act this way toward the girl. So there was good reason for him to talk to Sam. He just wasn't sure a phone call was the right approach. So after almost an hour of changing his mind back and forth, he decided to go see Sam in person.

Captain Sam Carter lived on a quiet street in suburban Colorado Springs, Colorado. She rarely had visitors, so when she heard her doorbell ring, her first thought was that some neighbor needed something. The old woman next door sometimes asked to borrow some coffee or something else, and although Sam was certain the woman just used borrowing as an excuse to see inside Sam's house, she didn't really mind the interruptions. Hurrying from the back of the house to the front door, Sam wiped her hands on a dish towel. She was barefooted, and was wearing an old pair of sweat pants and a terry cloth, hooded sweatshirt. Wiping the hair back from her face with a damp hand, Sam looked out of the peephole. Who she saw there truly surprised her.

She unlocked the door immediately, wondering what on earth had brought her CO to her door. Just as suddenly she thought she knew.

"Sir! Come in!" She stepped back, realizing how unkempt she must look. She never showed up at the base dressed like this or without makeup on and her hair combed. 'He must think I look terrible,' she said to herself.

"Hey, Carter! I was just in the neighborhood, and I thought... Ah hell! I wasn't in the neighborhood at all...I...I came by to see if I can convince you to go to Janet's with me tonight. Cassie really misses you, you know," he stated more than asked the question.

'God, him too!' Daniel had asked her three times today. Janet, on the other hand, had not asked her again after the first invitation. Sam figured Janet was mad at her, and Sam didn't blame her.

"I'm sorry about that, but I really can't. I've got things I need to do, and ..."

"Carter, you can give me all the excuses you want, but I know why you're doing this and you're dead wrong! You weren't at fault for anything that happened to the kid! You were only doing what any sensible person would have done! For God's sake Sam, you thought the kid was gonna blow up and take all of Colorado with her! You even stayed with her, not knowing if you were right or not. That was the bravest, most unselfish thing I've ever seen anyone do!"

"Sir, it's nice of you to say that, but I know what I did! I took that little girl down there to die, and then I left her! She'll be lucky if she doesn't have nightmares about it for the rest of her life!"

"Carter...Sam, you have got to stop blaming yourself! Cassie's just fine, except that she misses you. She doesn't understand why you won't see her. Do you want her to think you don't care about her?"

"No, of course not! But I just feel so guilty, Sir! I can't face her. I just can't!"

"I was afraid you'd say that, so I came here to order you to go with me. As your superior I can do that," Jack reminded her.

"You wouldn't do that, would you?" She really hoped he wouldn't, although he seemed quite sincere.

"I will and I just did! Now go put on something nice...and clean...and comb your hair. I'll wait here. And don't take forever; the party's already starting," he informed her. Sam just stood there, tears welling in her bottom lids.

"Sir, please!" The tears began to spill down her pale cheeks. Jack saw them and cringed. 'God, I'm such an asshole. Now I've gone and made her cry,' he chastised himself. He sighed deeply and took a stand. She was under his command, and as such she was his responsibility. So he took a stand.

"Sam, I'm sorry, but that little girl wants to see you there, so you're going and that's final. Now go clean up your face, change clothes and let's get going!"

Sam turned and slowly walked away. He hoped she was going to her bedroom to change.

TBC