A/N: I don't owe any of The Big Bang Theory characters and I am not making any money from writing this.
This IS NOT a slash story.
Please forgive any minor grammar or spelling mistakes, English is not my native language.
It wasn't something he expected.
Actually, he never thought about possibility of that happening, but he probably assumed that he would be able to see warning signs.
It was nothing like that. His parents fought often, but that was more of a routine than sign that something like that will happen.
He only knows that he woke up earlier that day, at about five am, and that he heard something like his mother sobbing or crying and some click sounds-like those when you close a suitcase-and he knew that probably means something bad, but he was too tired to think more about it and he soonly fell asleep again. But at seven am that day, when he went downstairs for breakfast, he saw his mother trying to smile, he saw that she is red around nose and eyes, he saw that his dad isn't there-and it all hit him. It was like he hit a brick wall. Of course that his mother realized that, and that he knew she did, and that they ate breakfast in silence, without apetite, that he went into his room instead of school, that his mother called his teacher to explain why he won't come to school that day, and that she tried to be silent enough for him not to hear her but failed.
It was strange, frightening feeling; his heart was beating fast, his throat was dry, his stomach hurt, and thoughts were playing in his mind like some background music: he wanted to stop them, but he couldn't.
His mother entered the room after almost two hours: they stared eye contact, and than he started crying; he doesn''t remember how long, he only renembers that his mother was with him the whole time.
He didn't cry only because his father-whom he loved-left, he also cried because his father left before he showed that he is proud on him.
In next few days, he was thinking repeatedly about every moment spend with his father. What did he do wrong, so wrong that he forced his father into leaving them and hurting his mother? Was he really that selfish?
He believes his mother wanted to send him to psychiatrist, but their crappy health insurance wasn't covering it.
He doesn't know was it good or bad thing. He only knows that everything went downhill from that point on. His mother started spending less time with him. She needed to work harder to support them since his father wasn't around anymore. She gained a lots of weight, even her voice wasn't the same anymore. He could barels recognize her. He could barely recognized himself, actually. He was never the same.
#
Twenty years passed.
Howard is actually pretty satisfeid with way how his life turned out. He has wife he loves, mother who loves him, good friends, job he likes, he was even in the space! That's pretty decent for, well, any man, not only for the man who was abandoned by his father as a child.
However... he still has those dreams sometimes.
He sometimes dreams about his father coming back. In those dreams, his father looks exactly like he looked twenty years ago, and he looks exactly like he looked when he was eleven. But soon enough, he wakes up.
The worst part about those dreams is that they are always so real. That makes it only more painfull and makes him feel even more cheated when he wakes up.
The worst part is not knowing. Is he dead or alive? Did he hear about his accomplishments, his trip to space? Is he proud on him, on his Howie, or he simply doesn't care anymore, if he ever did?
He still remembers on which date his father abandoned him and his mother. He knows that is stupid and irrational, but he always takes a day off that day, and stays at home, with his mother, hoping that his father will maybe return. But he never does. And that's exactly what happened today. He didn't return, and Howard left his mother's house early that morning, and went on work, earlier than usual. Only he and Leonard were there.
"You OK?", Leonard asked him. They never discussed that matter, but Leonard was smart enough to figure it out himself.
"Yes", Howard said, trying not to make an eye contact.
"I... I'm sorry."
"It's OK, Leonard, really. I'm just... dissapointed, that's all."
"You don't need to be, really. I am not saying that your father was completely bad or that you need to forget him... but he really isn't worth it. You shouldn't feel all miserable because he was stupid enough to abandon you. You can just... live your life the best you can and treat people you love on a better way than he did."
"I know that... but that feeling is not going away."
"It will, believe me, eventually. You will still remember him, of course... but you won't feel miserable because he is not coming back."
Howard sighed.
"Why... why do you think he left?"
"I think... he simply wasn't strong enough. To cope with all the pressure about being a husband, a parent... and he wasn't mature enough to realize, to understand that he will hurt you by simply... leaving. But it is definitely not your fault, believe me."
Howard ran toward Leonard and hugged him tightly. Leonard was confused, but he hugged him too. It lasted for almost whole minute.
"Why did you do that for?", Leonard asked.
"I don't know. My way of saying "thank you", I guess."
"OK... just... don't do that in... you know... public..."
"Sure", Howard smiled awkwardly before going back on work.
I am definitely going to be a better father and husband.