THE COW
CONSPIRACY
Part 1: The Escape
Everybody in the ranch always picked on Rosie the Cow, just because she ate the cuckoos and barked like a dog instead of hanging out with the other cows at the Lon Lon Ranch. One day Malon came in to see how she was doing.
"Why can't you be like all the other cows", Malon asked. "Why are you so sick and demented all the time?"
"Mmph gnnnh nnnngh hmmpf mmm…"
"What?"
"Mmph gnnnh…"
"Rosie, don't tell me you've been
eating cuckoos again…!"
Rosie opened her mouth and out flew a cuckoo.
"Sorry", Rosie said. "I couldn't help it."
"Now, Rosie, I want you to apologize to Mr Cuckoo."
"Alright, I'm sorry I nearly chewed
you to bits…"
"Too late", the cuckoo responded. "You already chewed off one of my most vital parts."
"Which is that?"
"Let's just say I'll never be a father."
"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that."
"I never want to see you again. Bye", the cuckoo said and slammed the door.
Malon looked Rosie in her eyes and said:
"Now look at what you have done. What do you have to say in your defence?"
"Not getting any food and working all day makes Rosie an angry cow!!"
"Wha—Nooo!" Malon yelled as Rosie broke out and ran away in the direction of Hyrule Castle.
"Oh, no. What have I done? I've created a monster and now it's heading towards the King! I've got to stop it! But first, I must drink my daily bottle of carrot juice."
As Rosie entered the Hyrule Castle Market, she saw three other cows discussing something. She went over to them and introduced herself to the group of cows.
"Hi, my name is Rosie. I'm the famous cow rebel."
"We were just discussing that", one of the cows said. "My name is Suzy and these are my two friends Mary Ann and Wanda. I was the one who came up with the idea of escaping, so I am the only rightful hero."
"That's stupid", Mary Ann said. "I came up with the details on how to escape, so I am the hero."
"No way", Wanda said. "I 'borrowed' all the necessary equipment so it's quite obvious that I am the hero."
"Stop arguing", Rosie said. "Right now you are being so unprofessional, all three of you! To work as a group, we must act like one, and not just a bunch of babies!"
"You mean calves."
"Whatever. The point is, if we wish to get into Hyrule Castle, we will have to co-operate."
"I think Rosie is right", Mary Ann said.
"Yeah, me too", the two other cows responded.
"Good, then we have an understanding", Rosie continued. "Now let's head for the Hyrule Castle. Anyone with me?"
"Yeah!"
"Yeah!"
"Yeah!"
"Great! Besides, I came up with the
plan, I figured out how to do it and I did it without any equipment! All of
this by myself, too, so I am the hero."
"But…"
"Shut up! Let's get going before
someone throws us out."
"Okay."
So the three cows busted into Hyrule Castle until they met Zelda who seemed to be upset about something.
"Damn it", Zelda spoke to herself. "I don't want to wait no more. If they don't bring me my carrot juice, I will go nuts."
"Uh… hello, princess", Rosie said.
"Who are you?"
"I am Rosie, Rosie the Cow. And these
are my three friends Suzy, Mary Ann and Wanda. We are cow rebels and we will
take over this castle."
"No way! You'll have to discuss that with my Smith & Wesson."
Zelda pulled out a gun.
"That's not a gun!"
"Then what is it?"
"It's a dishwasher!"
"Is it? Or are you just trying to trick me?"
"I don't know, but if you give me the
gun, I'll take a look at it."
"Nice try, soon-to-be-hamburger. You made your last mistake and you will now die."
Zelda tried to shoot, but all that came out from the gun was carrot juice.
"Oh, there's my carrot juice!" Zelda said and shot some more juice into her mouth. "This is good. You better taste it."
"Shut up! Can't you see you're being kidnapped?"
"Well, if you wish to kidnap me, you
better bring a gun or it won't be easy. Do you have a gun?"
"No, but I'm selling these fine leather jackets."
"Wha—" Zelda didn't say anything more because Suzy and Mary Ann came up from behind and knocked her unconscious.
"Now we got that dry-cleaner out of the way", Rosie said.
"Dry-cleaner? What's up with that", asked the three other cows.
"I don't know, actually. I was trying
to say calculator, but… Hey… you can't curse in this game!"
"Game? What do you mean, game?"
"I don't know, ask the author."
"Who's the author?"
"Never mind. Anyway, let's talk to the
citizens of Hyrule and tell them that we have gained control of their castle.
Wanda, go get CNN!"
After just a couple of minutes, Wanda came back with CNN.
"Uh, are we on the air", Rosie asked and looked into the camera.
"Yes, you are", the cameraman responded.
"Good. Ahem. Hi! My name is, uh… Dustin Hoffman and these are my three friends Marilyn Monroe"-Suzy waved to the camera-"Jack Nicholson"-Mary Ann waved to the camera-"and, uh… Jerry Seinfeld". Wanda waved to the camera. "All your castle are belong to us. Do not try to get us out of here, as we are psychos on the loose. We will kill any trespasser."
"Mr Hoffman, what is your purpose", asked a reporter.
"This is my revenge at the people who used to pick on me during my time at the Lon Lon Ranch. This is my way to prove that a rough childhood is enough to make anyone insane. Even a cow."
"Is there anything we can do to make you leave the castle?"
"Well, yeah… You can… Actually, I never thought of that. But, as I said, the purpose of all this is to get revenge and we won't even consider handing back the castle before I've done that. You'll have to wait and see. Now get those cameras out of here, this interview is over."
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir. I'm Dustin Hoffman, remember?"
"Okay, sir. Thank you for the interview."
END OF PART 1