"You can't ever understand what it's like…" Cas' words spoke through cracked lips, low and gravelly; his knees pulled in so close to his chest that he could rest his forehead on his kneecaps. "Everything that I've done, losing everything…" His voice cracked and he stopped, closing his eyes. "I thought I was making the right choice, I always thought I was doing the right thing, following God's plan for me. I can't even-" Cas tightened his grip on his knees. "It all was simple, I was a good soldier, a good warrior – I followed every order that my Father ever sent. Saving Dean from hell; how was I to know that it would lead to this…" Cas could feel the strangling grip tightening inside him – it felt like the hold of the leviathans; he wished he could shake that feeling. "I don't know where I went wrong…
I knew that I was supposed to protect Michael's vessel, even before that plan was clear to see – it was my destiny to do so… to make sure that the apocalypse went the way it was planned. I don't know why my loyalty changed – it just felt wrong." Cas sighed; how long ago those days felt, how pure and simple they had been – despite feeling complex at the time. Cas wished he could go back, start over – but a tiny part of him didn't want anything to change; and if he had that chance to go back to do it all again, he couldn't honestly know that he would do anything differently… It had felt right at the time, and forced into those situations again, he would probably repeat it all over, even if it was to land him here again, like the useless lump of flesh he was. How was anything ever going to be normal again? What even was normal?
"I can't even remember what that kind of purity feels like!" Cas trembled in longing, "I can't recall that feeling – the assuredness, the knowledge; my place in the world. I can't even remember the feeling of security that being in the presence of my Father gave…" A hollowing sensation had begun inside Cas' chest and was growing down like roots through the rest of his body. "I wish I knew… but all I know is doubt, and pain – and everything in this world has been damaged, and risked, and broken because of me.
I rebelled out of heaven because of the way the world changed when I began looking out for the Winchesters. I saw the beauty in what I had before seen as erroneous matters; before humans were simple – but it was like the veil was lifted from my eyes… That complexity, the beauty of humanity – oh I never understood what that actually meant. I get it now; I hate it." The petulance and childishness rung through Cas' voice; now he understood the human condition, now that he was experiencing it first hand – he was repulsed by it. "I don't want this! I can't cope with what I did! I rebelled against the Father who created me; I believed that I was acting in His will as guardian while the apocalypse was derailed! I thought it was what He wanted!" Cas needed to justify it all, he needed to line it all up and make it make sense in his head. "I thought that Raphael was a fool for trying to go against what clearly was God's plan; but all that did was fill me with pride and self-assured confidence that I was right – and I couldn't have been more wrong!" The words were cathartic, he was purging himself.
"And I betrayed my friends – I broke their trust, and I knew what I was doing with Crowley was wrong – I knew that it was risky, and I knew that I was becoming the one thing I had never wanted to be – a traitor to the people who opened my eyes to the world… but I didn't care! Defeating Raphael was all that mattered – I guess that pride and sanctimonious self-belief sullied everything about me. I wasn't going to let everything go to waste, I wouldn't let the humans see the crap that always obliterates the good in the world! I wasn't going to abandon them like my Father had done! I wouldn't let this world continue to be Godless! I wanted to help, to make things better… for everyone." The rage was painful, a physical clawing inside Cas, a lump in his throat. "All I did was show what a catastrophic failure I am… that everything I have done has only destroyed… I tried to show the angels the correct way to go – I wanted them to understand freedom, but I got sucked in with the souls, and their power… and the leviathans…" Cas' voice had dropped in pitch again; the rage had disappeared – it was full of fear and disappointment. A cold ice bubbled up in Cas' abdomen, filling the hollow space in him. "I got it all wrong." A cold chill swept over Castiel's skin, making the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end; cold prickling in the backs of his eyes heralded the formation of tears. "And I don't know how I'm supposed to cope… How do I live with myself?" Cas' voice broke, it was thick with emotion as the tears leaked out from under his eyelids. "I'm – I'm stained with guilt, I'm tarnished, I have let down everyone, and I don't know what to do next… I'm broken, and I'm lost." Cas ran his hands through his hair, gripping at the root in exasperation and desperation. "I'm lost – how am I ever supposed to find myself again? How do I keep on living when all I feel is nothing – when I hate every fibre of what I am, who I am… How do I do it?" Cas' hands pressed firmly into his skull, he could feel himself trembling all over, the tears flowing freely from his eyes and his breath catching in his throat as he sobbed.
From out of nowhere Dean's strong arms wrapped around Cas' shoulders, he sat behind him on the motel bed and pulled the sobbing ex-angel closer to him.
"You don't have to do it alone – you share the weight, and the guilt, with me…" Dean told him firmly, holding Castiel in a secure hug, wanting to reassure him. "If the burden's too heavy, you share it Cas…" There was something about Dean's arms that made Cas feel sage. "If you feel lost, I'll help you find your way; if you feel like you can't cope, let me do it for you." Dean spoke so calmly, so firmly that Cas believed every word. "You've done so much more good than you realise Cas… and your mistakes, well they're just that – mistakes, and nothing is so bad that you can't ever be forgiven. You protected me, and Sammy, for so long… now it's time for me to return that. I'll protect you." Cas could feel Dean's heartbeat against his back and, for a reason he didn't quite understand, the steady pounding comforted him. He didn't deserve this loyalty from Dean, but he was grateful for it. Dean would keep him safe; Dean would help him with his burden… Dean would look out for him, protect him and, despite everything, would love him. The bond between them, which had been bent and twisted and strained – could not be broken. And Cas knew that he reciprocated everything that Dean felt – he loved Dean wholly and forever…
A/N: I hope you enjoyed reading this, I'd love to know what you think about it! :)