Word count: 700
A/N and warning: all people, gods and animals belong to History, themselves and human imagination. I don't know anybody's reaction to the infamous Alexander's phrase, I made it all up. I have the utmost respect for the every participant of the story below.
Another A/N: Two people whose opinion you'd expect to read here were left absolutely speechless by Alexander's ridiculously stupid outburst and as a result couldn't participate.
Readers' comments are highly welcomed and appreciated.
He said what to Hephaistion? – Alarmed Bagoas asked another eunuch who brought him the news.
"You are nothing without me!"
Oh Great Ahuramazda, please forgive me, I probably gave Alexander a wrong medicine in the darkness…
He said what to Hephaistion? – Surprised Hermes (who was a god of travellers among other things) asked Apollo (who was a god sending false prophetic dreams among other things)
"You are nothing without me!"
Hmm, I know that beautiful scenic route through Gedrosian desert; can you send him a dream that this is the best shortcut from India to Babylon?
He said what to Hephaistion? – Brad Pitt stared at his assistant who was reading him the biography of Alexander.
"You are nothing without me!"
Nobody says such a thing to my face! Send a reply to Oliver Stone that I am not interested in that role!
He said what to Hephaistion? – The shadow of Bucephalus asked the shadow of Castor.
"You are nothing without me!"
I knew it! After my death he started to fancy elephants. I bet he tried again to jump on one of them as if it was me and hurt his head hard during the fall.
He said what to Hephaistion? – Indignant Sisigambis stared at her servant.
"You are nothing without me!"
Didn't I ask you last time to cut Alexander's opium supply in half?
He said what to Hephaistion? – Aristotle asked his pupil in disgust.
"You are nothing without me!"
Actually, I am not surprised. The only subject Alexander ever failed in my classes was a correct use of pronouns!
He said what to Hephaistion? – Cassander (who in reality remained in Macedonia during Alexander's conquests but was nevertheless still pining after H.) vividly asked Antipater.
"You are nothing without me!"
Father, Father, can you order those Egyptians to build a canal through Suez so I can sail to India in no time?
He said what to Hephaistion? – Irate Athena asked Ares.
"You are nothing without me!"
That's it, no more conquering new lands! And can you, dear brother, make his army revolt and force Alexander to turn back?
He said what to Hephaistion? – Oliver Stone stared at Robin Lane Fox when the historian was telling him about the famous episode for the first time.
"You are nothing without me!"
Darn, it's a pity Zack Efron can't dance as Francisco Bosch. I would cast him as Bagoas and explain to the viewers that Alexander just mistook Hephaistion for him.
He said what to Hephaistion? – The shadow of King Philip asked the shadow of Parmenion.
"You are nothing without me!"
I see, it's still my son's favourite phrase when he can't get what he wants from his superiors.
He said what to Hephaistion? – Alarmed Olympias asked Lanike.
"You are nothing without me!"
Oh mighty Dionysus! I worshiped you all my life, why couldn't you teach him to handle the wine better?
He said what to Hephaistion? – Kalanos (the Indian philosopher who knew a thing or two about the famous piece of literature that originated in his country) asked one of his students.
"You are nothing without me!"
Hmm, I wonder what position Alexander couldn't get into last might.
He said what to Hephaistion? – Achilles asked Patroclus while strolling in the Elysian Fields.
"You are nothing without me!"
I remember Agamemnon told me that once. The poor king doesn't realize how much this phrase will cost him!
He said what to Hephaistion? – Puzzled Legolastariel asked Delos13 chatting with her via Skype.
"You are nothing without me!"
No birthday cakes for him! And he is going to stay alone in the dark naughty corner forever while we, fan girls, take care of the poor Hephaistion.
He said what to my double? – Hephaistion asked the page lifting his head over the pile of papers he was working on.
"You are nothing without me!"
That stupid intern! I told him not to ask Alexander for a salary increase so soon!