"She's only ever late when somethings wrong. She's only ever missed a day when she's ordered to take one."
"Do you think something's goin' on? She's been kinda-"
"Bitchy."
" Simply stated, yeah."
"I'm late, I know. Don't ask."
"What's wrong, Liv?"
"Nothing. What part of don't ask don't you understand? Tell Cragen I've gotta follow up on something."
"Something, huh?"
"Yeah, problem?"
"hmmph no, of course not. Do what you wanna do. As usual."
"Excuse me?"
No answer. There never really is.
"Liv?" The apartment was dark. Of course it would be, it's late. Cassidy answers the door. You ignore him. You're here for her. You're not really friends, but you're here anyway. If you need to, you can blame it on Georgian hospitality. But you're hardly hospitable. Whatever.
"Liv?" You're in the bedroom. He isn't happy. He just got home, you can tell, she said he worked the graveyard. Back when she was talking. She's laying there, eyes wide open, she didn't even hear you.
"Livi," A whisper, close to her ear, "C'mon." You're not sure why you decided to come here, or why you're trying to take her to your apartment as if its safer for her. But she's been showing up late. A lot. Olivia Benson isn't late to work, if anything work is late to Olivia Benson. She laughs a little, and it throws you off. You lean in to pick her up or maybe to talk, you're not really sure what you're doing. And you smell it. All over. Her warm breathe floods over you and you close your eyes and sigh.
"Are you drunk?" You're surprised. It shows in your voice you ask. She must think its funny. She's smiling.
"Liv. Have you been drinking? Liv!"She scoffs at you and nods.
"What are you here for anyway? Hmm, Amanda?" You feel hot red running up your neck and you get nervous because you don't know.
"We aren't even friends." Her boyfriends been harassing you about your presence here since you knocked. Frustration is wrapping around you so you just pull her out of the bed and shove her towards the door. She's leaning in to your neck. You can feel her lips against your skin, your hair.
"You smell good. So good." She sighs into you, you can feel her smiling and you laugh, but you can't breathe. He's still yelling. She tells him you're taking her out, to go to sleep.
"What are you wearing? That makes you smell so good?"
"Soap. And probably a lot of sweat." You laugh.
She's so drunk.
"I love it." Drunk.
The drive home is...drunk.
You put her in the bed and call the Captain about getting both of you a day off tomorrow.
"Take two."
You make sure she's still in bed, then head towards the couch.
"Stay" She sounds almost panicked. So, you do.
She's really drunk and so she's talking. A lot. And she's curled around you with her face buried in her 'favorite spot'.
"You smell so good. I love the way you smell. It's so good. I love it.
I love you."
You freeze. She laughs. You shrink.
"I bet I know what you're thinking," she pokes at you're nose, "that i'm joking. That i'll leave. But that's you isn't it? Everyone always leaves." a pause, she sighs.
"Even when you love them for so long, they go and they don't say goodbye. They never call. Never visit." Everything's slurred together and you feel like you shouldn't be listening because this is personal and you're not really friends.
But she continues, and you let her.
"Are you gonna leave too?" It's so soft, almost scared, but more like she already knows the answer. Like she's not really asking.
It takes you a while to answer.
"No, i'm not gonna leave." She huffs.
"Yeah you will. One day you'll be gone and then you won't write or call or visit or even send a pigeon because that's how it happens. That's how it happens with me. From the beginning. My own mother-" She's crying.
"I thought they all cared. Something must be wrong with me. They all just leave."
"i'm not gonna leave you, Liv. I promise." She looks up and sees she's not convincing you. She grabs your hand and lifts it up a little. She smiles in that way. And her reply is soft and sad, retreating, resigning.
"For now,then."
Olivia woke with a smile plastered across her face. She shoved further into the mess of blonde before she realized, she didn't live with a blonded. She awoke then, pushing back and looking at the body she was using as a pillow.
"Shit. Shit!" She rolled over.
"Good morning to you too, honey." The blonde laughed. Olivia looked over at the clock.
11:23 a.m
"SHIT. Amanda! Why didn't you wake me up! We're late!"
"Two days off. Mandatory. Captains orders." The senior detective groaned and rubbed her head, triggering the younger S.V.U detective to remember the Advil and coffee she brought for her friend.
"thanks. So, not to be rude, but why am I here?"
"Gee, thanks."
"I said not to be rude."
"I picked you up yesterday. Drunk."
"Um..What did I do? Or say or..." The brunette asked, suddenly very nervous.
"Oh, don't worry you were a perfect gentlemen." Rollins laughed, flipping off the comforter and hopping out of the bed.
"I'm going to make breakfast. Feel free to take a shower." Olivia sat there and ran her hands over her face.
Shit.
I try really hard not to make mistakes. Not to get drunk. Not to be in Amanda Rollins' apartment. Alone. Put all three together and...Shit. My head is pounding harder than a goddamned rave. Taking a shower in Amanda Rollins' apartment would just have to go on the list of mistakes I make today. It will probably be a long list. Definitely.
I decide that upon getting out if the shower and getting dressed I'll thank her and go home because Amanda. Apartment. Alone. Oh and Brian... Of course. Can't forget him. Gotta love Brian...
"Hey Amanda, thanks so much for um-Everything. But hey, I should go so-um bye." Heading for the door and making a quick exit sounded easier in my head.
"But I just made breakfast."She looks so disappointed. Add it to the list.
"Um-okay. I guess I can stay for a while.." It's hard for me. It really is. She's just so...cute. Covered in flour, a, unexpectedly, polka-dot apron fastened around her waist. It's hard.
I can't help but be awkward and quiet because I'm afraid of what I might say. How I might say it. So I just kind of watch her and that's weird, I know it's weird, but I can't help it because she's adorable. Everything she does is just-I could watch her do anything for hours. It's like everything she does is some kind of magical feat but not even that it's just...Ugh. it's too hard to even try to explain.
She asks if I want to watch a movie and I really can't do anything but say yes because I'm sucked in now. I never get to spend time with her. Partly because I avoid her and partly because, well okay I avoid her. At all costs.
We watch more than one movie, or she watches the movie and I watch her. Except for the last one because I love A Few Good Men and I can't help but hope that she was watching me instead of buying into the truth no one can handle. And don't get me wrong, I tried to think of Brian because he's nice and everything and he happens to be my boyfriend. That I live with. But then she smiles or nibbles at her lip or just breathes for that matter and there I am. Sucked in. So I stay the night. And don't you even make that face because if you knew her you would too. She makes me so...We laughed a lot today. We had a good time. The best of any time. So my list of mistakes is down to the basement and I haven't even called Brian.
She wears cute pyjamas. Give me a break.
I ask her again about what I said last night because I don't trust myself enough. I was right to because she told me. About the leaving stuff.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"Well at least I didn't tell you about-anything else..." You try to cover it up because you meant to say about how you wanted to kiss her and hold her hand and...other things...all the time. Brian's a nice guy, but c'mon. She laughs and asks me about it and I avoid it like wildfire. Shes laughing and then she starts to tickle me and shit. I turned around! I tried! Scouts honor! I latch onto her wrist to stop the tickling and hold it tight. Her arm is locked over my waist because I know she will tickle me again and I can't have that. But then my grip slacks and I fall asleep.
Waking up to some guy yelling when you're tangled around someone you've basically been in love with for like a year sucks. Big time. Especially when the yelling is coming from her boyfriend.
"What the hell are you doing? Are you sleeping with her?!"
"First of all, how the hell did you get in here? Second of all, we were until you burst in." I know it seems like a harsh reply, but its like seven am. And I basically love her.
"We fell asleep Brian."
"First of all," he mocks," The door was unlocked. Are you having sex with her or not?"
"Oh my god! No Brian are you insane? I would never sleep with her. Are you kidding?"
"Lets go." And she leaves. And now my life really sucks because did you hear the way she said that. You basically fall in love with someone and bam bam chicken and ham she hates you. Yay.
Amanda Rollins spent the rest of the day crying over shitty movies and eating baked goods she shouldn't. When the knock on the door came she just told the knocker to come in thinking it was the pizza when it was Olivia. She was drenched in pouring rain, weather Amanda didn't even notice raging war outside, and looking like hell.
"I'm sorry." The first words out of her mouth make the blonde roll her eyes.
"Amanda what was I supposed to say?"
"I don't know but you didn't have to sound so disgusted." Olivia looked at her rolled her big brown eyes to gaze, frustrated-with herself, at the ceiling.
"I had to convince him-I had to-I had to convince myself.. Look I wasn't disgusted I... I wish I were having sex with you believe you and me..."She braved, trailing off. Amanda's baby blue eyes widened, barley catching the end of the sentence.
"Look I want to...I want to be with you all the time and hold you and kiss you and yes, sleep with you. In more ways than one. So sue me." Amanda's look of shock quickly turned into a small, quiet grin as she got up from the couch and moved towards the woman she 'basically' loved.
"Really?"
"Really."
"What about Cassidy?"
"I'm moving out."
"Okay then."
"Yeah?"
"mhmm" The kiss was short and burning. It led to another and then a few. Amanda started to go further, but Olivia stopped her with a small smile.
"Not even gonna buy me dinner first?" She raised an eyebrow. "I really, really want to have sleepless sleep with you, Amanda. But I'm really, really tired so why not just sleep with me instead?"
"Okay then."
"Okay then."
It started out as just staying there until she could find a place, and quickly led to moving in with Amanda. Date after date and lots of sleeping together in every different way added to the quick pace of their relationship. Then one day an accidental goodbye kiss outed them to the precinct. But it didn't matter as long they didn't work too closely together.
They were in love. That's all there was to it.
You sleep so comfortably now. Her arms wrapped around you. No nightmares, nothing. You knew she got too close to the case this week. Dangerously so. These men, or this man, you didn't even know yet, were dangerous. And she was close to the line, threatening to cross it. So yeah it was dangerous, but it always is. You were worried, but you never expected this.
It was louder than you've ever heard it. And you've heard it a lot. It woke you up, obviously, but it was so loud. It rang in your ears and you could've sworn it was a dream, but it never is. You turn to check on her, still unsure of what happened, and it takes a minute for your vision to focus. But then you see it. Beyond the mess of blonde hair. The blood. Crimson gold more valuable to you than anything. Spilling across the pillow, seeping deeply into the bed sheets, the mattress. The air in your lungs is hot and musky. Humid and poisonous, coated in the precious, glistening red. You're screaming, or you think you are. And you wrap around her and whisper violently into her neck. Your favorite place.
"You promised.
You promised."
And she did. But you knew better than to hold so dearly a promise you know no one, not even she, could keep. But you did and now all you have is the deafening mantra spewing out of you in whispered sobs and caught breathes.
Right through the head, it was instant.
You sit there for God knows how long.
"You promised. You promised. You promised!"
Fin came. He must have received the call. She was his partner. You don't even notice until he touches your shoulder.
"Liv." He says, laced in putrid pity, pretending to be strong because he thinks he has to. He doesn't understand that you knew better. This happens all the time. Never the less, your mantra alters.
"She promised. She promised!" You stare through him with cold, frozen eyes and turn back to her. He calls for a bus to take her to the morgue. And you break apart. He can't take her. Not yet. Not ever.
"No! Please no. You can't take her from me please don't make me-" You wallow viciously around inside. Bursting in pain. Your body a shell, nearly rigid. The bus comes and they strap her to a gurney, draping a sheet over her limp form. And you fight for her, of course you do, he tries to hold you back, but the adrenaline shoves through your thin, straining veins in a pounding rush. You push your way out to the door to be so kindly greeted by the press and you're still screaming about her and leaving and everything all at once is spurting out of your mouth. You can't even tell if you're breathing. You beg him to let you go with her, not in the way he thinks. It never is. He unknowingly agrees to sign the certificate of death for you. You reach to his side when you envelope him in a crushing embrace. Put the cold metal against your head
"She promised."
and its over before it began.
"You promised."
It always is.
The press is screaming out in bright flash photographs and camera angles. He's done. They all must be. He cries over top of your bloody mass.
Goodbye he cries and you find that odd.
As you look down at him you find that odd, but you reply, though he can't hear it.
For now, then.