Losing You

Mcat

May 14, 2011

It all happened too fast, Danny. One minute we're going after Wo Fat, then we're practically getting blown up. I feel bad now – I didn't even check on the HPD guys that were down. My first thought went to you – to make sure you were okay. And you were. So in I go, back on the hunt. You can't know how disappointed I was when I saw Sang Min up there. My heart just about broke. Then, losing him in the chase… I know. I can't get this play by play out of my head… Hearing your voice, telling us that you'd gotten him in that other house; your voice was so calm, just like you, smugly knowing you had my back again, coming in to save my sanity; again.

And then I lost it. Oh, my God, Danny, seeing you come out, gasping for air, I didn't know what to do. I panicked, lost my own breath running over to you, wondering if you'd been hit, and wondering if Sang Min not only escaped, but took you with him. But there was no blood. No bruises. I must have been in denial, thinking that if there was no blood, that somehow you were just having a panic attack, too; that maybe it was just your knee tiring you out, making you show your age, proving that I need to get you out running and swimming with me in the mornings; get you away from the donuts and coffee… I left you there and went into the house.

Then, between Jenna saying that you might have been exposed to a biological agent and Kono's panicked call for me, I couldn't deny it any more. I was gonna lose you. And there wasn't a goddamned thing I could do to change that. All I could do was watch as the convulsions came and came again, shaking your whole body. All I could do was stand by and watch the paramedics try to treat you. All I could do was watch helplessly, my own body threatening to shut down, as they wheeled you away from me in the hospital hallway.

Yes, I know that I snapped orders to Chin and Kono and even Jenna; that I sounded like I was in complete control. But you know how that works. How we can keep the façade. Show the seriousness; get the job done, while inside our hearts break. We do it every day. But, Danny, mine hadn't broken this badly since my Dad… I hadn't let anyone get so close to me as you had. Not since him. But nothing like him…

When things finally turned around, when Jenna came through, when the doctors got the right medicine into you, I thought it was over. I thought my heart would mend again. That you'd be there for me again, that maybe I'd finally have the guts to tell you how much my heart needed you. I wanted to tell you right there, but with Grace in the room… I just didn't have the guts. Maybe later, I'd thought. Yeah, after this whole mess was done, when you were feeling better; when your sarin induced hangover was gone…

But then… but then my heart broke all over again. I think I was convincing, putting on yet another façade, the happy face, for you. I tried to be happy for you – for you to be happy – that's all I ever want for you, you have to know that. But seeing you holding Rachel like that, seeing the love you still have for her, the hope you still have in your eyes for her… I gotta tell you, Danny, it broke my heart. Maybe even worse than the sarin did.

Yeah, I know, losing you to sarin – you dying – yes, I know that's bad. I'm not saying I want you dead. God, Danny, that's the last thing I want! But knowing I'd lost you to Rachel, even if she is the mother of your child, the woman you've loved for ten years… How could I compete? How can I go on, knowing that you're next to me, sometimes twenty-four hours a day it seems, knowing that I'll never be more than just your partner at work? You saved me, Danny. You're the one that's kept me sane these past six months, kept me from killing myself, kept me from letting vengeance rule my life. Hell, you brought the life back into my life, Danny. But you're breaking my heart.

And now here you are, strutting your way back into the office. I saw Rachel drop you off; watched you out my office window. After hugging the others, even Jenna, you make your way over to me. I try to keep the bitterness out of my voice when I ask about you and Rachel. I'm good at putting up the facades, remember? And of course, I can't deny you anything. I can't deny the hug, because I need it, too. I hug you because I know how close I was to losing you to the sarin. I hug you because I know I lost you to Rachel. I want to hold you forever and not let go. I don't want you to go back to Rachel. I wonder now if I can somehow show you how much I have to give you.

Damn Sang Min and his bad timing.