Infomercials as Related to the Multiverse Theory, by R. Lutece.
Disembodied Voice: HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH A FANTASTIC NEW OFFER!
DV: THATS RIGHT FOLKS! I'VE RISEN FROM THE GRAVE, JUST TO BRING YOU THIS FANTASTIC NEW PRODUCT!
Booker: Damn, not this guy again. Elizabeth, close the tear, this isn't where we want to be!
DV: ARE YOU TIRED OF RANDOM FLYING BIRDS ATTACKING YOU WHILE YOU'RE TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM A FLYING CITY?
Booker: What the hell...?
DV: DO YOU WANT TO BRING SOME MYSTERIOUS TWINS THE GIRL AND WIPE AWAY THE DEBT?
DV: ARE YOU SICK OF HAVING YOUR ATTEMPTS TO ESCAPE COLUMBIA THWARTED?
Booker: Look, I appreciate the offer but we've got places to be. I'm not interested.
DV: IF SO, YOU WANT TO BUY OUR FABULOUS NEW PRODUCT!
DV: OUR NEW ROBOTIC ELIZABETH COMES EQUIPPED WITH EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO FOOL YOUR PURSUERS!
DV: THROW IT AT SONGBIRD WHILE YOU RUN LIKE HELL!
Booker: Something tells me it's going to take more than a painted tin can to fool him.
DV: STUFF THE REAL ELIZABETH IN A VERY LARGE GYM BAG, WHILE GIVING THE ROBOT TO THE MYSTERIOUS TWINS!
Rosalind Lutece: An admirable effort.
Robert Lutece: But one doomed to failure.
DV: OR JUST GIVE AWAY THE REAL ELIZABETH, AND TAKE THE ROBOT TO PARIS!
Rosalind: He already tried.
DV: TAKE THAT BITCH TO PARIS!
Robert: Will try?
Rosalind: Is trying.
DV: BITCHES LOVE PARIS!
DV: BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
DV: BUY NOW AND YOU GET A FREE, ALL EXPENSES PAID VACATION TO RAPTURE, THE GLORIOUS UNDERWATER CITY!
DV :BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY THAT WILL EVER BACKFIRE HORRIBLY!
Booker: An underwater city?
Booker: That's ridiculous.
DV: LET'S HEAR FROM SOME OF OUR SATISFIED CUSTOMERS!
Jack: I have no idea what to do with this stupid-ass robot. BUT FOR GODS SAKE, RAPTURE IS FUCKING EVIL GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Booker: Real convincing.
DV: SHUT THE HELL UP JACK, YOU AREN'T HELPING.
DV: LET'S HEAR FROM SOMEONE ELSE, SHALL WE?
Delta: *WHALE NOISES*
DV: NO DELTA. JUST NO.
DV: UH...
DV: WHAT ABOUT ELEANOR?
Eleanor: Fuck my life.
DV: MOVING ON!
DV: BUT WAIT, THERE'S EVEN MORE!
Booker: Uh... Elizabeth, why are there two of you?
Booker: And why's the other one British?
Eleanor: Piss off.
DV: ELEANOR, YOU'RE DONE. GET OUT.
DV: CALL WITHIN THE NEXT FIFTEEN MINUETS AND YOU GET A FREE CROWBAR!
DV: PROVEN AS THE ALL-PURPOSE WEAPON BY MANY APOCALYPSE SURVIVORS!
DV: LIKE GORDON FREEMAN! LET'S HEAR HIS OPINION ON THE CROWBAR!
Gordon: ...
Gordon: ...
Gordon: ...
DV: WOAH, GORDON, CALM DOWN THERE
DV: YOU'LL DEAFEN OUR GOOD CUSTOMER HERE!
DV: ANYWAYS, BUY TODAY! ONLY 20 EASY PAYMENTS OF 99.99!
Booker: Like hell I'm going to pay that.
DV: SHORT ON CASH? DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT!
DV: ROBOTIC ELIZABETH CAN HELP YOU MAKE UP THE DIFFERENCE!
DV: THAT'S RIGHT, ROBOT ELIZABETH IS CAPABLE OF FINDING YOU THE WORLDS MOST VALUBLE CURRENCY:
DV: 20 CENTS, A RUBBERBAND, TWO PAPERCLIPS, AND A COUPON TO SUBWAYS!
DV: JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE COUPON!
DV: BUY YOUR OWN LUNCH YOU DAMNED HOBO.
Elizabeth: Booker, I found some money!
Booker: Thanks.
DV: SO, DO YOU WANT TO BUY GOOD SIR?
Booker: Sorry. No takers. Elizabeth, let's get out of here.
DV: DAMMIT.
DV: ...MAYBE WE CAN SUCKER COMSTOCK IN TO BUYING ONE.
DV: WAIT.
DV: FUCK.
DV: THAT'S A NO.
Comstock: THY CROOK IS BENT AND THY PATH IS TWISTED
DV: HAH, SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
DV: AH, ALTERNATE UNIVERSE JOKES.
Booker: Elizabeth, we need a tear out of here right now!
DV: HEY, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE MYSTERIOUS TWINS?
DV: THEY'D FIND THIS SHIT FUNNY
Rosalind: Still here.
Robert: We always are.
DV: COME ON, IT WAS FUNNY
DV: ADMIT IT
Rosalind: Always will be, isn't it?
Robert: I don't think there's a difference.
Rosalind: A fair point.
DV: DAMN, YOUR TWINSPEAK IS SPOT ON.
DV: IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU'RE THE SAME PERSON.
DV: SEE, THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS.
Rosalind: What do you see for this one, brother?
DV: MUCH AWESOMENESS
Robert: Dead.
DV: WAIT, WHAT?
Rosalind: Alive.
DV: YES!
DV: THANK YOU!
DV: I LIKE YOU!
Robert: It's all perspective.
DV: YOU ON THE OTHER HAND, CAN JUST GO FUCK YOURSELF.
Rosalind: Why don't we ask him?
Robert: Heads?
Rosalind: Or tails?
DV: LIKE FUCK I'M CHOOSING.
DV: THIS SHIT BE RIGGED.
DV: UGH, FINE.
DV: HEADS.
DV: I REGRET THIS ALREADY
Robert: This one gets it right.
DV: REALLY?
Rosalind: I told you we'd find some variation.
Robert: No you didn't.
Rosalind: I was going to tell you.
Robert: But you didn't.
DV: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
Rosalind: But I don't.
Elizabeth: The tear's ready, Booker!
Booker: Perfect timing!
DV: OH, YOU ASSHOLES ARE STILL HERE?
Booker: Let's get out of this place.
DV: AWWWW.
DV: BUT I LIKE YOUR FACE.
Booker: Get in line.
DV: IT'S VERY PRETTY.
DV: WANNA GO ON A DATE?
DV: C'MON, DISEMBODIED VOICES MAKE FANTASTIC DINNER.
Elizabeth: *closes tear*
DV: DAMMIT
DV: *SOBS*
DV: I'M SO ALONE.
Jeremiah Fink: Oh, relax, old boy. I see you've got a bright future... at FINKTON!
DV: YAY!
DV: *TURNS IN TO A POTATO*
DV: *ROLLS MAJESTICALLY IN TO THE SUNSET*
CAST
Ender the Time Lady: Disembodied Voice
Jack
Subject Delta
Eleanor
Gordon Freeman
SingularityUnit (Tumblr): Booker
Rosalind Lutece
Robert Lutece
Elizabeth
Jeremiah Fink