Naruto Uzumaki
Kiba Inuzuka
In:
Haru no Kuni Rizoto
A parody of Looney Tunes show's Casa de Calma
A/N: I don't own Naruto, Looney Tunes Show or any characters or references to such material. If I did, I'd be very, very rich, and I wouldn't have to write these notes that say I don't own them.
Now, everybody happy? Ready? Yes? Good. On with the show!
xxx
We join Naruto and Kiba as they flash in a yellow and brown blur from place to place.
"When normal people travel they fly, or drive, or even walk! Anything but this, I mean what the hell are we even doing? It's like something from Dragonball Z! What did he call it, Transmitting right away? This is crazy!"
"You're thinking of Instant Transmission, this is something similar my dad taught me called Hiraishin, originally you needed special knives and a complex seal, but I modified it so I can move freely, and how is this crazy? Your whole family has the genes of a dog, Shino can control insects, and even that girl Haku can freeze things, how is me moving super fast strange? Just relax, you turn into a real maniac on these trips."
"I am relaxed, I'm more relaxed then you'll ever be!"
"It's not a competition, it's a vacation."
"Do you even know where we're going?"
"I'm following the directions, GPS is never wrong."
"I'm getting motion sickness!"
"Here we are."
Naruto stopped and looked around.
"Hmm."
Kiba, after puking in a bush, shoved him out of the way, knocking him to the ground.
"Ahh, Haru no Kuni Rizoto, the fanciest smansiest resort in Japan!"
Looking around he realized they were in a run-down trailer park.
"What? Is 'Haru no Kuni Rizoto' Japanese for 'false advertizing'?"
Naruto stood and dusted himself off.
"I think we're lost, man."
Glancing at his GPS he tisked.
"Lesson learned: Never buy a GPS from a vending machine."
Kiba glared heatedly at him.
"Hey, isn't that your uncle?"
Sure enough, standing on the roof of one of the trailers was his uncle, adjusting a satellite dish.
Glancing up from his work he spotted them and started waving.
"Hey Kiba! It's me uncle woahhhouch!"
And promptly fell.
Kiba tried to hide his embarrassment.
"I've never seen that man before in my life. Come on let's go!"
xxx
Opening:
Naruto wakes up and starts his day smiling the whole time. As he gets ready to take a shower he stops and shivers.
Cut to Hinata: she's sitting in a tree in his yard Byakugan active and giggling perversely as she watches him. She looks confused when he smirks with his back still turned, until she hears some one clear their throat behind her. She faces them.
Karin and Tayuya: both redheads grin evilly and begin chasing a screaming Hinata out of the yard and down the street brandishing several sharp weapons and in Karin's case a large War Hammer.
Cut across town several times:
Restaurant: Choji is stuffing his face at an extreme pace, dishes piled high. Across from him Shikamaru is leaning back, asleep, until a waitress brings him the bill and he begins to cry anime tears at the price.
Clothing outlet: Ino is trying on different dresses, then turns to Sai asking him how she looks. Blinking he turns a few pages in his book on normal human interaction, reads a bit then says something. After a moment Ino slaps him then tells him to try again.
Street: Sasuke is walking down the street, barely acknowledging a still screaming Hinata and her pursuers as they pass but ducking as Sakura flies over him and instead finds herself hugging a telephone pole as he passes.
Park: Shino is sitting on a bench communicating with a handful of different insects when a small group of girls pass by, making a few comments that seem hurtful and giggling. As they go to walk away they all scream when they slip and find themselves sliding down the path on a long trail of ice. Turning he raises an eyebrow at Haku who's giggling and trying to play innocent. shrugging he gives a small chuckle too.
Cafe: We return to Naruto who's sitting at a table with a couple of women, everyone clearly flirting. Excusing himself he leaves only for Kiba to show up in his place poorly disguised as Naruto and trying to make him look bad. He thinks it's working until he notices a shadow looming over him, turning around his face meets Naruto's fist sending him flying through the sky. The girls giggle as he sits back down and continues where they left off.
Finally Kiba crashes through a wall leaving a human shaped hole, everyone we saw plus the rest of the cast stands posed around Naruto with said blonde's name as the tittle above everyone.
End Opening
xxx
(20 minutes later)
Haru no Kuni Rizoto: Check-in counter
Koyuki Kazahana, the manager and owner of the resort, sat at the front desk, mildly bored as she greeted the guests walking in.
"Welcome to Haru no Kuni Rizoto, enjoy your stay. Hi, Welcome to the resort, enjoy. Hello, welcome, enjoy."
As two more people walked in she started to look up.
"Hello, welcome to. . . Oh my God, Naruto-kun?! Is that really you?"
Leaping over the desk, she ran up and pulled him into a tight hug, which he eagerly returned.
"Koyuki-chan! It's been forever, how are you? Gosh, I haven't seen you in like, what has it been? Six, seven years?"
She nodded as they separated.
"Yeah, it has. So, how's life treating you?"
"Pretty good, as you may know I've invented a few things, and with that plus the inheritance from both mom and dad, I'm living pretty well. Though I do still help people when ever I can. Anyways, I found out that you owned this resort, and decided to take a friend with me on vacation here, so I could visit as well as relax."
She gave a genuinely happy smile and clapped.
"Wonderful! I'll set you two up with the best room at half price. Maybe before you leave we can 'catch up' if you know what I mean?"
Kiba gaped as Naruto chuckled.
"Oh, most definitely."
After handing her the money she gave him their room key.
"Enjoy your stay you two, and welcome to Haru no Kuni Rizoto!"
As they made their way to their room Kiba watched Naruto blow her a kiss, blinking as she giggled and fainted.
"You know the owner?"
He nodded, chuckling.
"Yep, it's a long story."
xxx
(15 minutes later, pool side)
Naruto sat in a beach chair, wearing blue&orange swimming trunks and orange framed sunglasses, reading a book. While Kiba dug through a bunch of stuff wearing black trunks with a red flame design.
"Now this is more like it! Surfing, scuba diving, sky diving, alligator wrestling, cliff jumping! There's so many risky activities that require skills I don't have, I don't know where to start!"
Glancing at Naruto, he narrowed his eyes.
"Where's all your stuff?"
"I've got everything I need right here: Tsunade Senju's Icha Icha: Haru no Ai, and my SPF 30. I'm not gonna live like there's no tomorrow, I'm gonna lounge like there's no today."
At the sound of giggling, both glanced across the pool to see a beautiful sandy blonde haired woman in a teal green bikini with her hair in four pigtails sitting in her own beach chair, reading a magazine, while a serious looking red headed man wearing a black buiseness suit with the kanji for love (愛) tattooed on his forehead stood guard next to her.
Kiba had hearts in his eyes while Naruto lifted his shades and grinned.
"Oolala, it's that famous starlet, Temari no Sabaku."
Kiba glared and got up in his face.
"Oooo, she's mine! You hear me? Mine, mine, mine! I'm the one who's always loved her! I've seen all of her movies! I'm her biggest fan! What's her name again?"
Sneering, he shoved Naruto into the pool and ran towards her.
Resurfacing Naruto blinked and looked at the readers.
"You think I should let that one slide? Yeah, me neither."
Back with Kiba, he slowed down and puffed out his chest as he passed her, then quickly made his way to the diving board.
"If there's one thing women love, it's a guy who knows how to show off! And snort, and chew with his mouth open. That makes me a triple threat!"
Standing at the top, he flexed a bit as he prepared.
"Behold! Masculinity personified!"
As he prepared to jump, Naruto aimed a tanning sheet to reflect the sun directly into Kiba's eyes, dazing him and causing him to fall off.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!" *Splash*
Immediately a large wave came up and drenched Temari, eliciting a small scream from her. Gaara scowled and walked over to Kiba, who had pulled himself out and was coughing and rubbing his eyes.
Glancing up all he saw was a huge fist made of sand, before it punched him in the face. He groggily looked at Naruto as he stood next to him, then fell backwards.
xxx
Kiba glanced at Temari, who now sat in a floating pool chair, as he climbed up to the high-dive.
"I should've started with the high-dive, everybody knows you always start with the high-dive!"
As he reached the top he looked down and gasped.
Naruto, on his own floating raft, lightly bumped into her and gave a foxy grin, eliciting a giggle from her.
"Nice try, foxy, but if you think you're gonna swoop in and steal the love of my life, who's name escapes me at the moment, then you are wrong! R-O-N-G, wrong!"
At that he dived off.
Back with Naruto.
"Ahhh. This is heaven. Wait a second."
Pulling a cord on the side, his raft blew-up into a small island raft with a palm-tree, an umbrella, two chairs, a small table with drinks, and on the side it said S.S. Naru.
"This, is heaven."
When it inflated, it bumped Temari right under Kiba, who hit the raft and sent her flying up.
"Woah!"
And landed her gently in the seat next to Naruto, who smiled and offered her a drink.
"Pina Colada?"
"Oh! Yes, thank you."
As Kiba sunk to the bottom of the pool, Gaara stood waiting and punched him into the side of the pool, leaving his legs sticking out of the hole he created.
xxx
Naruto sat chatting with Temari, Gaara sitting off to the side, both laughing together.
"Hehehe, oh stop, hehe!"
"Hehe, no it's true, he actually thought it would work! Hehehe!"
"I bet you never let him live it down, huh?"
"Nope!"
Kiba glared then made his way up the ladder.
"I should've started with the platform! First rule of charming a woman: Always dive from the highest point possible!"
As he reached the top, he looked down and gulped.
"Second rule: do NOT plummet to your death."
Taking a moment to say a quick prayer, he jumped.
"Swan position, into Double Gainer, into Reverse Triple Gainer, Jackson Five! This is the greatest dive ever done. Assume entry position, and, nailed it!"
*Crash! Crack!*
Naruto ran up as he hit the empty pool bottom, head first.
"That's impressive dog breath, not a single splash."
He struggled to look up and spoke painfully.
"What happened to the water?!"
Naruto lifted up a large plug.
"Oh! Is that what this does?"
Placing it back, he climbed out and locked arms with a giggling Temari, leaving Gaara to deal with Kiba.
xxx
(Later)
Naruto walked up to Kiba, who sat at the bar with a pair of binoculars. Both were dressed somewhat casually, Naruto sporting a white muscle t-shirt under an orange plaid button-up short sleeved dress shirt, faded blue jeans, and sandals. While Kiba wore an Hawaiian style open button-up t-shirt, tan shorts, and flip-flops.
"Wanna play a round of golf?"
Kiba scoffed.
"You mean the world's most boring game? No thanks, Grandpa."
Naruto rolled his eyes.
Glancing back into his binoculars, he spotted Temari and Gaara riding in a golf-cart towards the course.
"Wanna play a round of golf?"
Naruto narrowed his eyes, sipping on a drink.
"I thought you said it was boring?"
"Boring? It's not boring! It's the sport of kings!"
"That's Tennis."
"It's Japan's pastime."
"That's Baseball, which is also America's pastime."
"It's the city by the bay."
"That's Wave Country, Or San Fransisco if you're in America."
"You say potato, I say, well, I say potato too. Does anyone say patato? I mean really, who says that? Name one person who says patato. You can't, because no one says it. No one on earth says patato, so this is a mute point!"
Naruto lazily sipped his drink.
"It's moot."
Kiba shrugged.
"You say potato, I say patato."
He lazily glanced at the readers.
xxx
Naruto slowly lined up his shot, trying to find the perfect spot to swing.
Glancing at Temari, who was getting ready to putt her ball into the hole, Kiba tapped his foot impatiently.
"Urgh, just hit the damn ball!"
"Do you mind? You're ruining my concentration."
Looking back, he saw her leaving to the next part of the course.
"Hurry up and concentrate! Why aren't you concentrating?! Concentrate! Oh, forget it!"
He picked up the ball and threw it.
"Great shot, let's go."
"What about your shot?"
"From here? Are you crazy?"
xxx
(Next hole)
Kiba sat in the driver's seat of the golf-cart.
Looking up his jaw dropped at the sight of Temari giggling sexily as she lined up her shot.
Just as Naruto had grabbed onto one of the clubs, The golf-cart took off, dragging him with it.
Hoisting himself in his eyes widened in panic.
"Kiba! Watch where you're goin'!"
"I know what I'm doing!"
Naruto fell out as they promptly landed in a sand pit.
Kiba glanced around.
"Sand? What's sand doing in the middle of a golf course? It's like some kind of trap."
Trying and failing to drive out, he looked back at Naruto laying on the ground.
"More lounging around? Is that what we need right now?"
Getting up and grabbing a large golf club he glared.
"What do you need? This!"
Swinging he launched Kiba, golf-cart and all, out of the sand trap.
"I'll send you a postcard from our honeymoon!"
And into a pond.
"He was a good man. Eh, who am I kidding? He was a man. Who am I kidding? He was a mutt."
Surfacing he spluttered and flailed to shore.
"What's water doing in the middle of a golf course? It's like some kind of hazard!"
Looking up he could see Naruto waving, and looking over to the side he saw Temari smiling and waving back.
"You think you're gonna get her? Well, you haven't seen the last of-"
He got cut-off as an alligator floated up behind him and clamped it's jaws down on him, dragging him down.
"I'll send you a postcard from our honeymoon."
Grinning he waved as he walked towards Temari.
"You-hoo, mind if I join you? I seem to have lost my partner."
She giggled.
"Of course."
With that they walked off together as the sun began to set.
xxx
(The next day, beach)
Temari sat sun bathing on a beach chair, Gaara holding an umbrella over her head, while Naruto stood a few feet away putting the finishing touches on a gigantic stylish sand castle with an actual working drawbridge, the whole thing looking as though it could be explored and stay together, which it probably could.
"Ah, a castle fit for a king."
Temari looked impressed and even Gaara whistled in appreciation.
"I couldn't have built a better one myself, nice."
As he went to take a step towards the entrance, Kiba walked up and laughed.
"Ha! Sand castles, you think you're going to impress what's her name with sand castles? Ha, that's kids stuff!"
Back with Temari and Gaara, they rolled their eyes.
"Obviously he doesn't realize I'm sitting right here, otherwise he'd see that I am, in fact, impressed."
Gaara nodded.
"Dumb mutt."
Naruto raised an eyebrow, hands on his hips.
"Have you ever even talked to a girl?"
He shrugged.
"Why bother? Talk is cheap, ladies love action! The bigger and dumber the better! That's why you're taking me para-sailing."
xxx
(With Kiba and Naruto on a speedboat)
Kiba strapped on the harness and jumped into the water.
"Don't go too fast, or too slow."
Naruto pressed a red button with a back arrow.
Kiba screamed and dived just as the boat nearly backed over him.
Surfacing he spit out a mouthful of water.
"Are you nuts?!"
Naruto glanced at him uncaring.
"Sorry, my mistake. They should really label these buttons more clearly. I'll try another one."
Pressing another he sped forward, nearly hitting him again. Before Kiba could recover the rope tugged him hard causing him to skip across the water behind the boat. Glancing at the harness he saw a cord, which he pulled, releasing his parachute and bringing him up into the air.
"Wow, I'm flying! I'm like a bird!"
Looking down at the beach he spotted Temari and grinned.
"Hey good lookin what's - Cookin? Cause it smells like - you're stirring up some Love Stew. - You know what I think you should do? - I'll tell you right after the boat - turns around, I think you should give - me a great big - glass of ginger ale cause I'm - getting sick from going back - and forth - Bleehh! - Wahhh! - Yehh!"
Shaking it off he glared down.
"Come on what ever your name is! Point your lookin balls at your future ex-husband! You stupid famous actress!"
Gaara looked up and frowned. Closing the umbrella he walk over to a small dock where he found a jet ski and rode over to the boat, walked up the rope, punched the smiling Kiba in the face, walked back down, then rode back to shore where he took back up his place of holding the, once again, open umbrella over Temari, briefly cracking his neck.
"Okay, I'm ready to get down now."
Naruto smirked.
"What's that? You want a pet clown? You're kinda old for clowns aren't you man?"
"I WANNA GET DOWN!"
"Sorry Kiba, you'll have to speak-up!"
"PUT ME ON THE BEACH!"
"Well, all you had to do was ask!"
Grinning he made a sharp turn towards the beach, flinging Kiba down and forcing him into the sand up to his neck, sand spilling from his mouth the moment he opened it.
Without warning the drawbridge from Naruto's sand castle slammed down on top of him, Naruto and Temari walking up as Gaara stood off to the side.
"Hey man, keep an eye out for any paparazzi would you?"
"Will do."
After both walked in the drawbridge rose back up, revealing a disoriented Kiba holding a camera.
Smirking he smashed Kiba into the sand with a sand fist, catching the camera as it went off. The picture showed an unconscious Kiba missing a few teeth, his hands and feet by his head while the rest of him was in the hole.
"That's a keeper."
xxx
(Later, Spa)
Kiba wore the standard white robe, while Naruto wore a specially designed for him black robe with the orange Uzumaki swirl on the back and an orange sash, both laying in reclining chairs with cucumber slices over their eyes.
"This is your idea of a fun vacation activity? Doing nothing?"
"It's not just doing nothing. It's doing nothing with new-age music playing in the background."
Kiba tossed his cucumber slices in his mouth.
"You gonna eat you're salad?"
Naruto tossed his to him.
Finishing, Kiba looked up and saw Temari and Gaara walk in.
"Wow, look, it's that lady I'm in love with!"
Stopping in the doorway of the massage room, wearing nothing but a towel sun hat and heels, she sent them a sexy look, though it was obvious to everyone but Kiba that it was meant for Naruto. Stepping all the way in she threw her towel outside, Gaara picking it up and immediately closing and guarding the door.
Kiba grinned and examined his face in a mirror.
"Maybe a Beauty Day is just what I need."
Naruto smirked.
"Beauty Day? You need a month just for your eyebrows."
Gaara snorted, trying not to laugh.
xxx
(Massage Room)
Both laid on a massage table, sighing contently.
Glancing down Kiba read the sign that said who'd be giving his massage.
Massage by: "Konan"
Looking at Naruto's, it read Massage by: "Kisame"
"Konan? I don't want a massage from Konan."
Shoving Naruto off his spot he lay back down on his table.
"You take him. I want Kis-ame."
A few seconds later, in walked a beautiful woman wearing a white short sleeved shirt and white knee-length skirt with shoulder length blue hair that curved perfectly round her face, a lone origami flower which sat in it, blue eyes that were accentuated by light blue eye shadow, and finally a lone piercing just beneath her lower lip. In all, a flawless beauty.
"You must be Kisame."
Frowning, she shook her head.
"No, I'm Konan."
Glancing at the Uzumaki sitting at her station she smiled.
"You must be this Naruto that Miss Koyuki has been gushing about."
Naruto sent her his signature foxy grin, causing her to blush.
"The one and only. So you'll be giving me a massage. I think I'll enjoy this."
Giggling she walked over and started his massage while exchanging small talk with him.
Back with Kiba, he looked at the door confused.
"Well, then who's Kisame?"
In walked a huge brute of a man who shared quite the resemblance with a shark.
"I'm Kisame, where do you hold your stress?"
Needless to say one enjoyed his massage, while the other, did not.
When they were done, Kiba ran, more like limped, out as fast as he could, while Naruto gave Konan a $20 tip as well as his phone number eliciting a giggle from Konan. He even gave Kisame $10 for his troubles with Kiba.
"Wow, what a nice guy."
Konan nodded.
"And sweet too, no wonder Miss Koyuki likes him so much."
Kisame quirked an eyebrow, doing a double-take.
"Wait, you mean that was the Naruto Uzumaki she's been talking about?"
She nodded.
"Huh."
xxx
(Sauna)
Naruto shoveled some hot coals into the bucket of water.
"The only thing better than doing nothing to new-age music, is doing nothing to new-age music in a 160 degree sauna."
Kiba glared.
"It's not hot enough, my back is killing me! Put more heat on!"
"What's the magic word?"
"I'm dyin!"
"Sorry, the correct answer was: Please. I also would've excepted: dattebayo."
Kiba growled.
"Give me that! If you want something done right you have to do it yourself."
He flung a few shovel fulls of coal over his shoulder, setting it down and turning around he saw that it had all landed in Gaara's lap.
Using his sand, he picked him up by the throat and legs, then pulled, eliciting a quick and loud series of pops and cracks, causing Naruto and Temari to wince.
After a moment of silence, Kiba cheered.
"Eureka! I'm cured!"
Gaara promptly smashed his face into the wall.
xxx
(Later, mineral baths)
Naruto slowly stepped out and walked up to a mirror.
"Gotta hand it to those minerals, I look like a kid again. Check out my hair, like silk, and my skin, like velvet. Well, time's up dog breath, you better get out."
Kiba scoffed.
"Oh, no, I'm gonna soak in these minerals, until I'm so young, that what's her face will have no choice but to fall madly in love with me!"
He shrugged.
"Suet yourself."
As he slowly sunk under, the readers are pointed to a sign.
Mineral Bath, take years off your look!
Warning! DO NOT EXCEED 10 MINUTES IN BATH
xxx
Naruto sat down in a chair by the pool to read.
(Night fall)
Naruto closed his book.
"So, Kimiko finally realized that Daisuke is the man who truly loves her, huh? Tsunade Senju you've done it again, three times the story as Jiraiya's works, and just enough smut to be tasteful! *Gasp* I just remembered something!"
Dropping his book he bolted back to the mineral baths and gasped.
"Do I look younger?"
Kiba had reverted back to about 6 months old.
xxx
(Next morning)
Naruto walked up to the exit of the resort, humming a little tune and pushing a stroller with baby Kiba in it. Standing there was Koyuki, Konan, Temari and Gaara.
Temari giggled.
"Good looking and great with kids?"
He grinned.
"And I cook too."
That sold all three women. As he left with them, Gaara looked down at Kiba.
"Even you wouldn't hit a baby."
Gaara shoved a pacifier in his mouth and pushed the stroller in the direction the others went.
xxx
(Afternoon, trailer park)
Naruto quietly set the sleeping baby Kiba along with a note at the steps of one of the trailers, knocked, then sneaked away.
The door opened to reveal Kiba's uncle, who looked down and picked up Kiba and the note.
"Please take care of me."
Hugging the baby he went back inside.
"Mama, looks like we've got us another mouth ta feed!"
"Aw, ain't he precious. Give him here so's I can hug him."
"But I wanna hug him, I found him!"
Naruto stood next to a black limo.
"They get a baby."
He stepped in and sat between the three girls wrapping his arms around their shoulders.
"And I get the babes."
He winked at the readers as the girls giggled, the door shutting and the limo driving off towards the sun set.
End