Title- Everything's Made To Be Broken
Author- Katt
Rating- R
Pairing- Sheppard/McKay, implied Sheppard/Ford, Ford/Teyla
Series- Lost For Words Part 2
Feedback- Like it or loathe it let me know
Archive- I'd be honoured
Disclaimer- No infringement intended. "Iris" by "The Goo-Goo Dolls" was written by Johnny Rzeznik.
Author's Notes- This is a sequel to my previous fic "Lost For Words". I really never intended to write a sequel, but a couple of people requested one and the idea took root in my mind. Since the first was a song fic it seemed fitting that this one should be too. If I find the right songs I'm even considering Teyla and Rodney installments too - yes, be afraid, be very afraid LOL.
Everything's Made To Be Broken.
"And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am."
John sat with his back against the wall, his knees drawn up to his chest, and his arms wrapped around his legs, hugging himself. He was as far away from the bed, from Rodney, as he could get. He stared at the sleeping man. Rodney lay on his side, one arm flung out across the sheets, the arm that had been wrapped around John's waist, holding him whilst they slept. It was a good thing Rodney was a heavy sleeper so that when John had slipped out of bed, out from under that arm, he hadn't stirred.
John felt torn. One part of him wanted to be in that warm bed, held in his lover's embrace, content, loved, at peace. However, another part felt that he was defiling Rodney with his touch, his presence, his lies. He wanted this; he needed it more than he'd ever needed anything, or anybody, in his life. For the first time in John's life a relationship felt right. For the first time it was about more than just him, and what he wanted. He'd finally found someone he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. He'd had to travel to another galaxy to do it, but if being here, with all it's risks, all it's terrors, meant he could have Rodney, than John didn't care if they never saw Earth again.
However, he wasn't content. How could he be when he'd built his relationship with Rodney on lies. Rodney thought he knew him. He thought John was this white knight, chivalrous and brave. He bought into the Major John Sheppard act. The charming exterior, full of boyish grins, gentle touches and soft words. John made damn sure that Rodney never saw the other side of him. He never saw the eyes of the cold killer, the manipulator, the user. No, he saved that part of himself for Ford. Jesus, he'd taken the kid's hero-worship and perverted it to his needs, and the worst thing was he enjoyed it. Today in those woods when he'd had Ford on his knees, fucking his mouth, he'd thrilled at the power he'd felt. John had been turned on by the thought that with one click of his fingers he could have Aiden on his knees begging him for it, all thoughts of Teyla wiped from his mind. He'd asked Aiden once if he was screwing anyone else, and the Lieutenant had told him about his relationship with Teyla. John hadn't been jealous, he'd just been excited by the hold he had on the younger man. Christ, he was seriously fucked up.
It was just that sometimes things got too much. The memories of the faces of the people he'd killed. The look in their eyes the split second before he'd snuffed out their existence. The thought of the innocents that had been murdered by the Wraith, by the creatures that he'd woken up. The weight of everybody's expectations. Their belief that he would come up with a plan, that he'd save the day, and the knowledge that that was exactly what he had to do, or else everything would be lost.
"And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive
And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am."
John shivered and curled in around himself even tighter. He didn't want to lose Rodney, but he couldn't keep lying to him either. He couldn't keep cheating on him. He needed to come clean, not only for himself and Rodney, but also for Ford and Teyla. He was afraid though. Afraid he'd lose his team; afraid he'd lose Rodney.
He'd made his mind up on the walk back to the Stargate that things couldn't go on as they had been. The weight of Rodney's open trust, and Ford's infatuation, was beginning to crush him. He'd tried to use Ford as a fuck buddy to relieve his tension, give the Lieutenant what he wanted, and give himself a much needed outlet for the cold rage that dwelt inside him, but it was spiraling out of control. It wasn't making John feel better, it was just one more thing for him to beat himself up over. One more thing for him to try and suppress. In fact, John was suppressing so much of himself these days that he was losing track of who he was. He was worried that the disparate sides of himself would bleed into each other, and he didn't want the people he cared about most, to be caught in the blast when it happened, and the John Sheppard facade was shattered.
So he'd decided to tell Rodney the truth. He owed him that much. The only problem was that he was terrified about how the other man was going to react. When he saw that the John Sheppard he loved was a fraud, an illusion, camouflage created to stop anyone from glimpsing the darkness, how would Rodney feel then. John was afraid he knew that answer. Rodney would be horrified, and he'd put as much distance between himself and the monster behind the mask as he could. John would lose him, he knew it, and that thought sliced through him like a knife.
So he hadn't told Rodney right away. No, he'd made love to him, kissed him, touched him, tasted him, felt himself surrounded by him, relishing every second, knowing it would be the last time. Even then, after they'd lain in each other's arms, sated and quiet, John hadn't been able to break the spell. He'd just wanted to fall asleep in Rodney's arms one more time, he'd just wanted to feel loved and accepted one more time. However, when he'd woken up earlier he hadn't been able to stay there, knowing he didn't deserve to feel such happiness. Knowing it was hollow. So here he was sitting on the floor waiting for Rodney to wake up, so that he could destroy everything they had. So that he could destroy the illusion of John Sheppard that Rodney cherished. So that he could destroy the man he loved. He didn't want to do it, even now he was tempted to climb back into bed, curl around his lover and go back to sleep, but he knew that was impossible now, things had gone too far. Even if it meant he lost everything dear to him, John knew he had to remove the mask, and let Rodney see the real John Sheppard.
Hearing Rodney stirring John braced himself for the storm to come.
"And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want t you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am."